WFH- partner came over unannounced

[Inchacha]

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

I believe you said you'd had another difficult relationship? I would bet the gutsy one turned up more quickly this time, so well done you.

No, not yet. He may indicate his next move to OP, and forewarned is forearmed.

He has me on find my iPhone. One one hand I don’t want him knowing where I am but on the other I don’t want to send him off into a “she must be with someone else to have hidden her location!” rage.

@NeverDropYourMooncup interestingly when I was on the way home from his earlier I realised that the health episode in October was when he was working away from home, alone and was taken to a non-local hospital. The one yesterday was when he was at home alone and whilst his adult child drove him to A&E he miraculously felt better when he got there/saw the queue and couldn’t be bothered to wait. One of my very best friends works there. The first health incident was quite some time ago before he knew that I had a close friend in our local A&E. Coincidence?

Oh God no. Definitely turn off your location. Do it in the morning if you’re worried it will inflame him tonight.

Turn the find my friend off now. I can imagine he'll react worse if it's on then suddenly off in a few days than seeing you've turned it off as you separated.

OP I understand about the find my phone, but you really can't feed him by allowing him to know where you are.

I don’t want to send him off into a “she must be with someone else to have hidden her location!” rage.

Don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet that you have broken up with him. His feelings and reactions are no longer your concern and must not determine your actions.

Stick your key in the door when you're wfh. He would get on my wick with that attitude and I wouldn't like someone, even a partner, turning up without a courtesy text first.

Well done, op. Change those locks and change that tracker thing.

Too many men believe women are not quite human - domestic appliances whose sole purpose is to centre and serve them.

You have a job that is significant enough to support yourself, your adult DC (what's the story there, though), your younger DCs, your mortgage, your car and your cat. None of which place him at the centre. He's on the outskirts of your life and resents this, hence trying to muscle in on your meeting and your cleaning job.

The jealousy is nasty and can become worse.

The hypochondria and guilt tripping attempts may be a controlling tactic in a situation where he wants - but lacks -control.

You can remove yourself from his location finder. He’s a controlling twat even if he’s not like your ex. Well done for giving him his marching orders.

OP is used to placating and pandering though. It's only been hours, she'll still be in that mode in half of her mind.

Beware any sudden 'health emergency' or threats to self harm over the next few days. A well known controlling tactic.

your adult DC (what's the story there, though)

The OP has said she has a young adult child at university. Why wouldn’t she be supporting them? Why need there be a ‘story’?

She didn't , her child let him in.

@JFDIYOLO my adult son is 20, at uni- I don't support him as in pay for everything but I do send him a small amount every month/help him out where I can.

Well done for getting rid of the nasty manipulative prick. He sounds properly nasty so be careful, nasty men can turn even more nasty when you leave them.

I would not be tolerating this kind of behaviour, you do not have to put up with this. End it.

Sorry - read update! Well done OP for seeing this POS for what he is and stay safe.

Bottom line - real jobs - teachers, surgeons, hairdressers, taxi/plane/train/bus drivers, nurses, shop assistants, cleaners, etc. can't be done from home.

@Hwi my job is very real!

@Inchacha 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 Nice work OP - his reactions to everything you said and did speak volumes (escalating a discussion to a row and following you out to the car). Enjoy a peaceful evening - and a peaceful life without him in it. 🤗

Don’t be so ridiculous 🙄

@hwi.. I haven’t seen viviennemary for a while.. you’ve name changed haven’t you??

Now you've sussed @hwi they'll be changing it again - to "Luddite". 😉

“as your partner I should take priority over work”

He'd be gone for this neediness. Tell him to grow up.

Shut off that tracking app ASAP. Who cares what he says. You have broken up with him because of manipulative and rude behaviour that could have messed up your livelihood.

Don't let him in if he comes over. He's using health concerns that haven't been borne out by diagnostics to be valid health issues. Tell your kids you have ended things because of bad behaviour from him and not to let him in or talk to him even if he claims health issues.

Leave this one far behind on the rear view mirror.