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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
DazedDragon · 21/02/2025 20:22

@Inchacha I'd take the key out of the box tonight, just in case...

He sounds VERY intense and rather controlling. He was exceptionally rude to keep interrupting your work call, but to turn it back round on you isn't acceptable.

Suzuki76 · 21/02/2025 20:23

Remove the keys! And block him.

WilfredsPies · 21/02/2025 20:24

Well done OP, but I agree that he’s not going to go quietly. I wouldn’t trust him not to have a copy of a key ‘just in case’ so changing the locks as well as the code would be my first priority tomorrow morning.

Crupts · 21/02/2025 20:25

Do not be surprised if he threatens to self harm.
Should he, you need to request the police do a "welfare check" as you have left an controlling relationship and he is now threatening to self harm.

They are well used to scum like him.
Whatever you do, do not allow him in your house again.
He is unhinged. Be very wary.

GameOfJones · 21/02/2025 20:26

Definitely take the keys out of that box. To be honest I'd be getting the locks changed as well as the key safe combination as you don't know he hasn't had a key cut. His comment about "what are you hiding if I can't drop in unannounced" tells you all you need to know about his controlling and jealous nature.

Block him.

DeepFatFried · 21/02/2025 20:26

Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t.

Bloody hell.

OP, SO glad you have swapped him for your cat. And well done with the dead lock. Yes, change the key safe code. I would take the spare key out right now in case he comes and takes it / copies it.

It might be very difficult for your Dc if he shows up, tell them not to answer the door unless they know it is a delivery or a known person?

WELL DONE!

SofaSpuds · 21/02/2025 20:27

Two thinks strike me from your post:

  1. Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t.
    He still has that jealous streak! Actually control streak!!

  2. I actually smiled with relief when I drove away
    Keep remembering this feeling!!

Actually point no.3 - who treats someone they love like this?
He also threw at me the fact that he took me to the hospital a few weeks ago as my dad had been rushed in

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:27

Fantastic news! please be careful now OP as men like this do not like being told NO and think how dare you break up with him?

Be aware that he may try placating you, try to make you feel guilty, have a sudden 'health emergency' a 'mental breakdown' etc; etc; don't fall for it!

If (hopefully) none of this works, the abuse may start big time. On no account let him into your home ever again.

DaffodillyDallyDame · 21/02/2025 20:29

I’m usually sceptical when threads see such a development in the space of a few hours. But, given the issues you’ve obviously previously mentioned - I’m ready to cheer on your behalf, @Inchacha.

(People have asked what he brings to your life and you noticeably haven’t been able to come up with anything!)

Do be sure your offspring understand he isn’t to be let in - for any reason.

Really, it was no way to live.

PorridgeEater · 21/02/2025 20:31

Good riddance.
Take the key out of the key box now, and not a bad idea to change the locks if you think there's any chance he might have copied a key - just for your peace of mind.
Don't let him "come and talk about it" - he's said more than enough already.

BatchCookBabe · 21/02/2025 20:34

BlueGantry · 21/02/2025 16:52

thank you so much! 🌹 newbie here

Show quote history

WELCOME! 💛

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:35

Key is safely inside and yes I will change lock.

It’s like there are two people inside of me- the one that knew he was a twat all the time but another that was actually in the relationship and thought he was nice. I can’t work out why the gutsy one didn’t show up sooner.

OP posts:
PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 21/02/2025 20:37

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:08

Just to clear a few things up:

  1. He didn’t ask for a cuppa, I made one for him to be nice as there would have been a snippy remark later if I had not paid him any attention
  2. He didn’t actually say that as my partner he should take priority over my work, that’s simply what I was anticipating

I have just seen him. I decided to tell him how embarrassed I’d been about the stupid noises he made on the call/turning up unannounced and see how he reacted.

He said that he didn’t know I was on a call or even that the noises would have been audible anyway (of course he did. I’d been talking ffs!)

He was obviously cross at this point. So when I quite calmly also asked him not to turn up without letting me know he was furious. Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t. I said that it wasn’t being silly, he knew I didn’t like it and it was a very reasonable request.

He also threw at me the fact that he took me to the hospital a few weeks ago as my dad had been rushed in, he was “good enough to run around after your dad but not good enough to be able to just pop in when he was passing”.

He told me to get out of his house as he didn’t want to see me- so I did :) I got my boots on and left. I don’t think he really thought I would. I had to lock the car doors once I was in as he came running out of the house and tried opening the drivers side.

I actually smiled with relief when I drove away. I hadn’t realised how wrong this had all felt until this afternoon. The penny actually dropped.

I am sat on the sofa with my cat. V relieved. Thank you MNers.

Before I read this update, I knew he would suggest at some point that you were talking to another man rather than actually working. It's gaslighting.

Look at it all from a gaslighting POV and your eyebrows will raise even higher.

Congratulations but he will be a PITA for the next month I bet.

anothermnuser123 · 21/02/2025 20:38

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

Thats good you made it clear its over as that would be his next excuse. If he does come over, tell him to leave and if he doesnt you will call the police, you have made it clear, its not your fault if he ignores it but you need to protect yourself.

Well done for recognising the behaviour and acting. Hopefully you can recognise this sooner next time but I think the freedom programme is never a bad idea. Good luck for the future.

Nowvoyager99 · 21/02/2025 20:39

Please be careful here OP.

If he’s causing a problem, don’t be afraid to call the police.

Loloj · 21/02/2025 20:41

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

Be prepared for him to start backtracking OP.

He will realise he has pushed you too far and start trying to guilt trip you with all his “health anxiety issues”. Don’t fall for it.

If he comes knocking then don’t answer the door.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 21/02/2025 20:41

Actually OP, you might be wise to put it on a text so you have in writing that you have ended the relationship.

If he gets difficult and a bit illegal, you have proof to the police that you have made your feelings clear when he's harassing the living daylights out of you cos he can't believe you would actually have the temerity to dump him

Turmerictolly · 21/02/2025 20:41

Make sure you take the keys out of the lock box.

Also, it can't have been good for the children who live with you to have him turn up unannounced. They might want their privacy/ uninterrupted time with you. I hope you do dump him, he sounds controlling and manipulative.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/02/2025 20:44

Wonder if the local A&E's already wasting their time and money looking after him tonight? Or whether his next planned emergency admission is for the weekend?

diddl · 21/02/2025 20:45

I can’t work out why the gutsy one didn’t show up sooner.

Better late than never!

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:45

I agree with pp, a text or email to him making it clear your relationship is over is good insurance should he escalate.

martinisforeveryone · 21/02/2025 20:46

Good riddance.

@Inchacha
he's not good to you
he's not good enough for you
he's not a good man

As a point of reference I went to see a DC working from home over lunch today.
I made an arrangement beforehand. Messaged when I was nearly there. The door was left on the latch for me to let myself in and seeing they were on a call, I waited in another room.

That is how a regular, mannered, adult person behaves, let alone one who's supposed to have your back.

Don't backtrack.

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:47

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/02/2025 20:44

Wonder if the local A&E's already wasting their time and money looking after him tonight? Or whether his next planned emergency admission is for the weekend?

Oh no doubt he's planning something!

Nowvoyager99 · 21/02/2025 20:48

To be honest I would block him on everything so you don’t have to tolerate any additional shit.

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:48

A&E on a Friday night can be quite unpleasant, maybe he'll bide his time.