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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
Umbrellasinthesunshine · 21/02/2025 20:07

Wtf!? Would he have come to your office and done that? Has he no shame? And no boundary understanding? Along with no respect for you?

billybear · 21/02/2025 20:07

double lock front door, work is work unless he is having a very bad illness ie heart attack etc, another manflu moaner sounds like my x all about them

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:08

Just to clear a few things up:

  1. He didn’t ask for a cuppa, I made one for him to be nice as there would have been a snippy remark later if I had not paid him any attention
  2. He didn’t actually say that as my partner he should take priority over my work, that’s simply what I was anticipating

I have just seen him. I decided to tell him how embarrassed I’d been about the stupid noises he made on the call/turning up unannounced and see how he reacted.

He said that he didn’t know I was on a call or even that the noises would have been audible anyway (of course he did. I’d been talking ffs!)

He was obviously cross at this point. So when I quite calmly also asked him not to turn up without letting me know he was furious. Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t. I said that it wasn’t being silly, he knew I didn’t like it and it was a very reasonable request.

He also threw at me the fact that he took me to the hospital a few weeks ago as my dad had been rushed in, he was “good enough to run around after your dad but not good enough to be able to just pop in when he was passing”.

He told me to get out of his house as he didn’t want to see me- so I did :) I got my boots on and left. I don’t think he really thought I would. I had to lock the car doors once I was in as he came running out of the house and tried opening the drivers side.

I actually smiled with relief when I drove away. I hadn’t realised how wrong this had all felt until this afternoon. The penny actually dropped.

I am sat on the sofa with my cat. V relieved. Thank you MNers.

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 21/02/2025 20:10

Good for you @Inchacha

Sounds like he has finally met his match. Enjoy being rid of the mysoginistic twat.

MyLimeGuide · 21/02/2025 20:11

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:08

Just to clear a few things up:

  1. He didn’t ask for a cuppa, I made one for him to be nice as there would have been a snippy remark later if I had not paid him any attention
  2. He didn’t actually say that as my partner he should take priority over my work, that’s simply what I was anticipating

I have just seen him. I decided to tell him how embarrassed I’d been about the stupid noises he made on the call/turning up unannounced and see how he reacted.

He said that he didn’t know I was on a call or even that the noises would have been audible anyway (of course he did. I’d been talking ffs!)

He was obviously cross at this point. So when I quite calmly also asked him not to turn up without letting me know he was furious. Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t. I said that it wasn’t being silly, he knew I didn’t like it and it was a very reasonable request.

He also threw at me the fact that he took me to the hospital a few weeks ago as my dad had been rushed in, he was “good enough to run around after your dad but not good enough to be able to just pop in when he was passing”.

He told me to get out of his house as he didn’t want to see me- so I did :) I got my boots on and left. I don’t think he really thought I would. I had to lock the car doors once I was in as he came running out of the house and tried opening the drivers side.

I actually smiled with relief when I drove away. I hadn’t realised how wrong this had all felt until this afternoon. The penny actually dropped.

I am sat on the sofa with my cat. V relieved. Thank you MNers.

Yay!!! Well done 😊

stampin · 21/02/2025 20:11

Blimey, I don't like the sound of him.....at all.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 21/02/2025 20:11

Sad man has now gone. Good for you

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:11

And re: working from home, this normally works fine because my children are either away at uni, at college, or at school. If they are on half term like they are here at the moment, they know to be quiet. Unlike him.

OP posts:
wp65 · 21/02/2025 20:12

WELL DONE, OP! Good for you.

ctk496 · 21/02/2025 20:12

I’d be seriously worried about his intentions and abuse being a risk … I have been in very abusive relationships so undersatand it’s very hard to unblane yourself

Hedgingmybetching · 21/02/2025 20:13

Holy shit, well done OP. What a relief! Xx

LillyPJ · 21/02/2025 20:13

He's showing massive disrespect for your work. He was lucky to get a cup of tea.

StrongasSixpence · 21/02/2025 20:14

Great work not taking his shit.

Evaka · 21/02/2025 20:14

Good on you OP! Stand firm, he sounds nuts and an absolute drag on you. Enjoy the peace xx

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2025 20:15

Good for you.

NOW STICK TO IT!!!

He's told you that you aren't allowed boundaries. You have to lose him to have them.

MummaMummaMumma · 21/02/2025 20:15

He sounds awful and extremely childish.
I'd get rid.

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

OP posts:
MummaMummaMumma · 21/02/2025 20:17

He could have already secretly got a key cut.
Change your locks to be sure. He sounds a real creep who won't take this well.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 20:17

He sounds really needy and over-sensitive with no idea of boundaries. Well done for walking out and going home.

I doubt that he will leave you alone though. He'll be panicking right now. Don't let him guilt trip you. You've got your own adult children, you don't need another.

stampin · 21/02/2025 20:17

I find it hard to believe he's going to go quietly OP. Be careful.

diddl · 21/02/2025 20:19

He sounds stupid, nasty, needy, manipulative & possibly frightening all at the same time!

Pickledpeanuts · 21/02/2025 20:19

Good for you OP. The switch between being cross with you to chasing you to the car is crazy. He knows he's lost control.

His immediate suspicion around what you were hiding shows his behaviour was rooted in jealousy and control.

Crupts · 21/02/2025 20:19

Change the code tonight.

Please text him that it is over.
If he comes near your home you WILL call the police.

This will be your proof shiuld you need it.
Well done.

gettingthehangofsewing · 21/02/2025 20:20

Good for you op. I agree his actions sound controlling. He will probably be apologetic next and try to demonstrate he has changed. He hasn't changed he just realised his bullying isn't working.

MrsLeonFarrell · 21/02/2025 20:21

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

Can you take the keys out of the box overnight?

Also make sure your children know it is over so they don't let him in.

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