Page 9 | To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

Arabella3 · 2025-02-21T11:23:09+00:00

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂 DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby. It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school. Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD. AIBU?

ThePartingOfTheWays · 21/02/2025 14:16

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:12

To be fair to DH, if he could increase his income he would. He’s on a high salary for his field. He needs to keep weekends free for SC and he works all week, so he’d be looking at midweek evening shifts, which would likely be pubs / restaurants / supermarkets and near minimum wage. With 50% tax it’s not going to be hugely worthwhile.

And to retrain, he’d need to not work for a while and/or take a pay cut to build himself up, and whilst I’d be open to discussing supporting that, I wouldn’t be up for paying his maintenance at the current level, so it’d have a negative impact on SC in the short term.

Long-term, it does make sense for me to advance my career, and I’m sure I will do that in due course. We make a good team 95% of the time and I don’t begrudge paying what I pay.

The solution then is for him to gracefully cut his cloth, and accept he's on a good thing here. The only person who takes any issue with the current arrangement is him.

Huskytrot · 21/02/2025 14:18

Motnight · 21/02/2025 12:11

He might be more money driven but he's not more ambitious or he would be actively seeking a new better paid career for himself.

This. He's already got 3 kids and you're planning a 4th... He either needs to earn more, stop having kids or accept that his whims are not possible anymore as HE can't afford it.

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 14:18

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:12

To be fair to DH, if he could increase his income he would. He’s on a high salary for his field. He needs to keep weekends free for SC and he works all week, so he’d be looking at midweek evening shifts, which would likely be pubs / restaurants / supermarkets and near minimum wage. With 50% tax it’s not going to be hugely worthwhile.

And to retrain, he’d need to not work for a while and/or take a pay cut to build himself up, and whilst I’d be open to discussing supporting that, I wouldn’t be up for paying his maintenance at the current level, so it’d have a negative impact on SC in the short term.

Long-term, it does make sense for me to advance my career, and I’m sure I will do that in due course. We make a good team 95% of the time and I don’t begrudge paying what I pay.

Could he work for himself?

wfhwfh · 21/02/2025 14:19

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 21/02/2025 14:07

Yeah I take a different view. Four days to five at a nursery normally isn’t significant in terms of cost as they can do per week rather than each individual day.

I do think you are being unreasonable but not for the reasons you may think.

You say he expects you to go back five days a week but you refuse to do so. There is no compromise or partnership thinking it’s just you both being stubborn about what you both want.

Also, why don’t you share money? If you are married it’s shared anyway and may stop this feeling of division.

You are being unreasonable for digging your heels in instead of trying to find a way around this.

But I think the OP would ideally work 3 days a week. So 4 days a week is a compromise.

The issue isn’t OP being stubborn. The issue is that her husband (a self-proclaimed ambitious and hard-working man with multiple children to support) isn’t willing to find any solution to HIS problem of wanting more material things other than his wife working more and losing time with their daughter.

Thats not a partnership - she is a wife and a mother not an income source

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 14:19

Huskytrot · 21/02/2025 14:18

This. He's already got 3 kids and you're planning a 4th... He either needs to earn more, stop having kids or accept that his whims are not possible anymore as HE can't afford it.

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I don't think that's a solution op obviously wants children.

Theoldbird · 21/02/2025 14:22

We have no immediate financial worries.
This is what matters

He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays with SC, but they’re all wants to me, not needs.
You'd be mad to give up a day with your dc to fund this list of his

Original poster

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:25

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 21/02/2025 14:07

Yeah I take a different view. Four days to five at a nursery normally isn’t significant in terms of cost as they can do per week rather than each individual day.

I do think you are being unreasonable but not for the reasons you may think.

You say he expects you to go back five days a week but you refuse to do so. There is no compromise or partnership thinking it’s just you both being stubborn about what you both want.

Also, why don’t you share money? If you are married it’s shared anyway and may stop this feeling of division.

You are being unreasonable for digging your heels in instead of trying to find a way around this.

As any stepparent will know, there’s a lot of sacrifice involved, and in the past I’ve compromised hugely for them (and DH).

We don’t share money because I don’t think it’s my responsibility to pay for SC when they’re not in my home. I love them and they want for nothing when they’re with me, but I don’t have an ex-wife. He does.

As a few people asked, SC’s mum didn’t work at all until they were in school and now works weekends, which is why we have them then. I know DH found this stressful as they were always broke and I believe it to be a contributing factor in their divorce (though the main reason was she left him for another man).

OP posts:

Sunnyside4 · 21/02/2025 14:25

Unless you both really need to work full-time to pay essential bills or individual well being, there seems little point in having a child and not being able to spend a reasonable amount of quality time with them while they're little. If he really wants extra money coming in, can he work a few hours one evening/or on his days off? DH has done this a couple of times over the years for some extra money and after we moved, I was working in the week and too a Sunday job.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/02/2025 14:26

From what you've said you're reasonaby far the more reasonable one in this situation. It sounds like you took his kids on quite happily and are a good step mum. Does he not realise how much this changes the dynamic for you, though? You both don't get much time with the baby apart from your one day off, because at weekends the SC are around and that means you'll plan your day differently than if they weren't there.

I feel you're effectively subsidising him because he has stepkids. Which is fine, of course, but he needs to appreciate that fact and not try to make you earn more money for it. I bet you do a lot for the SC in practical ways too, when they are there. Have you ever taken the baby to stay with family for the weekend while he stays at home with the SC to see if he appreciates the difference it makes having you there?

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 14:27

When you work for your urself you can earn more money and work less hours. How ambitious is your DH he doesn't sound like he likes money that much.

The people I know would never dream of giving there knowledge and skills to employer so they can shit all over them. They earn more money working for themselves and get more time with the family. When you work for someone else you never know when your time is up in that company.

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 14:29

BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 12:50

First, I'll answering your question with a question for a sec here: Why do people insist on getting in over their heads?

So, you married a guy who you knew already had kids. And now, after having another child together and cutting a day off your work schedule, you're on a tight, no-frills budget, with both money and time, for the foreseeable future.

Okay, I totally get wanting to have a child of your own and wanting a little extra time to spend with that child.

Beyond that is where you start to lose me. Here you're focused on digging in your heels and "refusing" go back to work that extra day, when that's not even on the radar for a couple of years anyway. While I don't necessarily disagree with the four-day workweek, I think your focus is a bit off here.

Because, at the same time, you're talking about having another child? Thereby ensuring even less money and even less time, and stretching the need for that extra day off further into the future. An additional child is a far heavier issue than a four vs. five day work week. And let's not forget, more tension, when your marriage is already showing signs of strain as it is. Piling on even more on top of this could easily lead to a break. And then you'd have far more serious issues than working one day more or less per week.

So, why not step back a little and at least consider not having another child and instead considering your stepchildren enough to fill that void? It seems to me the two of you already have plenty of children.

Also, you want (or rather, demand, going by your post) one day per week alone with your child but did you even consider if his children ever get a day alone with their father? They were here first and they deserve as much consideration as your current and possible future children together, not to be thought of as something he "owes you" for or somehow "not counting," as far as how many children you two have. An additional child's needs would also take more away from them, when they've already suffered loss.

Anyway, I hope I'm not seeming too rough on you right now but I'd urge you to re-consider how to best navigate so things get easier, rather than harder, in the future. I think you'd all win if that weighed in more strongly than an image you have in your mind of what your family "should" look like.

Also my opinion, as someone who's been married for decades, refusing/demanding and scorekeeping aren't great attitudes for a long and happy marriage. As a starting point, I think you're both far more likely to win if instead, you think of yourselves as what you really are now, a team where you both want the same main thing: The best life possible, all around, for your family (including the children he came in with). So that's my two cents, for what it's worth. Good luck to you.

Edited

So she should give up her desire for a second child of her own, and her wish to spend time with her existing DD so that she can subsidise this guy even more than she's already doing? That's ridiculous.

He's already getting a really good deal, with her paying more of the bills, so that he can fund his existing kids in a five bedroom home with holidays and extra-curricular activities. Would he be able to do that on his own salary - no of course not! And yet he's moaning about not being able to indulge his expensive tastes. OP is doing loads for her step-children, her husband needs to appreciate what he's got and if he wants more money then earn it himself.

Viviennemary · 21/02/2025 14:29

Since you pay 60%of the bills he can either get a higher paying job or do a part-time job at the weekends, in other words tell him to get lost.

Cyantist · 21/02/2025 14:30

It sounds from your post that your DH pays additional rate tax - is that right? If he's already earning more than 125k and you earn even more than him despite being 4 days a week he's being a bit ridiculous because surely you should be able to have pretty much everything on that income anyway, while you maintain a better work life balance.

CindereIIa · 21/02/2025 14:31

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 14:29

So she should give up her desire for a second child of her own, and her wish to spend time with her existing DD so that she can subsidise this guy even more than she's already doing? That's ridiculous.

He's already getting a really good deal, with her paying more of the bills, so that he can fund his existing kids in a five bedroom home with holidays and extra-curricular activities. Would he be able to do that on his own salary - no of course not! And yet he's moaning about not being able to indulge his expensive tastes. OP is doing loads for her step-children, her husband needs to appreciate what he's got and if he wants more money then earn it himself.

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That's why she should have picked someone who didn't already have kids, no?

UlceratedPapacy · 21/02/2025 14:32

You still out-earn him at 0.8 FTE so I say he can try to earn more if he wants the holidays and house extensions!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/02/2025 14:33

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:25

As any stepparent will know, there’s a lot of sacrifice involved, and in the past I’ve compromised hugely for them (and DH).

We don’t share money because I don’t think it’s my responsibility to pay for SC when they’re not in my home. I love them and they want for nothing when they’re with me, but I don’t have an ex-wife. He does.

As a few people asked, SC’s mum didn’t work at all until they were in school and now works weekends, which is why we have them then. I know DH found this stressful as they were always broke and I believe it to be a contributing factor in their divorce (though the main reason was she left him for another man).

Show quote history

This is clearly having some bearing on how he feels about it all. I guess he can't help how he feels but he's not looking at it from a sensible point of view.

I'd suggest that it's his ex wife who needs to up her working hours, not you. Does she have a partner who lives with her now? Wonder what he thinks of her weekend working?

ErinAoife · 21/02/2025 14:37

My ex husband was the same, did not want me to reduce my hours after our third child so I did not. And I now know why is because he did not want to have to pay maintenance to me when he decided to leave.

Wordau · 21/02/2025 14:37

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:12

To be fair to DH, if he could increase his income he would. He’s on a high salary for his field. He needs to keep weekends free for SC and he works all week, so he’d be looking at midweek evening shifts, which would likely be pubs / restaurants / supermarkets and near minimum wage. With 50% tax it’s not going to be hugely worthwhile.

And to retrain, he’d need to not work for a while and/or take a pay cut to build himself up, and whilst I’d be open to discussing supporting that, I wouldn’t be up for paying his maintenance at the current level, so it’d have a negative impact on SC in the short term.

Long-term, it does make sense for me to advance my career, and I’m sure I will do that in due course. We make a good team 95% of the time and I don’t begrudge paying what I pay.

So both of you are higher rate tax payers so you're both well off...

He can piss off.

If you were on the breadline fair enough but you're not even close.

vivainsomnia · 21/02/2025 14:39

That's fair enough as it would be if he said he didn't want another child because he can't afford a fourth. You'll be OK to accept it?

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 14:39

He is no spring chicken is he…. If he’s married, has three kids, met OP, remarried, had a fourth baby? I reckon he see your as helping him in his retirement so wants to maximise it!

Do you actually love him and trust him op?

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 14:40

CindereIIa · 21/02/2025 14:31

That's why she should have picked someone who didn't already have kids, no?

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Hardly. If they're both higher rate tax payers, this has very little to do with being able to afford more children and much more to do with her husband's expectations to be able to spend as much her money as he wants.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2025 14:41

What's the point op? What is the point in working when you clearly don't have to? Genuinely. For what reason? So that you can have a bigger kitchen, and so that your 2 weeks holiday per year (4% of your life) is in a more exotic place? And in place of spending the only bit of quality time with your own child you will get. The choices some people make genuinely baffle me.

Original poster

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:43

vivainsomnia · 21/02/2025 14:39

That's fair enough as it would be if he said he didn't want another child because he can't afford a fourth. You'll be OK to accept it?

If he said that, we’d need to go to counselling and talk it through because we would no longer have the same vision for the future.

OP posts:

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 14:44

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:43

If he said that, we’d need to go to counselling and talk it through because we would no longer have the same vision for the future.

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Surely this is a sign that you already don’t share the same vision for the future?

Theoldbird · 21/02/2025 14:46

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 14:27

When you work for your urself you can earn more money and work less hours. How ambitious is your DH he doesn't sound like he likes money that much.

The people I know would never dream of giving there knowledge and skills to employer so they can shit all over them. They earn more money working for themselves and get more time with the family. When you work for someone else you never know when your time is up in that company.

What on earth does this have to do with the OP's question? Not everyone can be self employed or set up their own business, and loads of us don't want to either.