To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

[Arabella3]

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

Well no, because he hasn’t said that. Whilst I’m sure he’d be content to stop at four he’s aware it’s important to me to have two.

If he wants to go to counselling or leave me for working 0.8FTE he can but it won’t make him any better off!

No op

I meant the entire crux of your thread would indicate you don’t share the same “vision” for the future

If he wants to go to counselling or leave me for working 0.8FTE he can but it won’t make him any better off!

doesn’t sound like you’d be fussed either way

OP do you actually love him?

OP did you realise that you out earned your husband when you met him?
Are you always going to be financially more successful?
A lot of men don't like this but also there are those that think they are on to a good thing. If you are splitting bills 60/40 on mortgage/gas/food etc I'm going to assume he needs to contribute less due to his maintenance commitment?
You seem to have then paid for all the jollys.
I might have missed this but how long have you been with him? Did he move in with you?
I'm a high earner up to five times my DH. I have a number of friends that have been targeted. They become pregnant and the game changes. One was even left after ten years taking half her assets and he started a new family with an even wealthier professional singleton.
Fwiw I worked consultantcy projects when my DC were small so I could do a four day week. I still refuse Friday working. It's my day. My DC are grown up so I go out for a jolly now. My husband is usually at work.
Please make sure you have control of your money. My DH has no access to mine but inherits nearly all my assets. Most of the time he has no idea what I earn. I'm concerned for you.

OP wants 1-day a week at home with her new daughter. Working 4 days with a pre-school child is very customary - I’m not sure what your post is trying to get at?

Sounds like the stress of his previous marriage is affecting the choices he wants to let you have. He supported the entire family before and found it hard. I guess his panicking.

Id just lay the cards out. Money is ok, you will go back full time once children start at school. You have savings you just cannot upgrade the car or do the extension, neither are required urgently either, you can have holidays but not the luxury ones that you had before currently that neither you or baby would actually enjoy currently either.

If you wanted to beat him emotionally you could channel well you let your ex wife not work at all and here I am working four days and providing more than you but that’s probably a marriage ender 😅

He needs to earn more if he wants all those extras. You taking precious time away from your child to fund wants is madness. Time is precious, things are not.
I say this as a Sahm who has a dh who wants one of us to always be present for our kids. And honestly, early on I worked part time, I actually dropped my hours when my children started school as they need me then too. Then along came the next child and I gave up work entirely.
Money and work when it’s needed. But time over wants and stuff.

Maybe you could compress your hours into 4 days and work more hours in the evening maybe?

Why should she?

Why exactly does he want you to go back to work?? What percentage of household chores is everyone doing? What’s his actual reason? I suspect he’s controlling and that you are doing almost the entire household burden…

To offer you another perspective- I had baby, took redundancy. DH pays all bills. I have other income from investments, 80% of that that gets saved/re-invested. (DHs salary is 8x my investment earnings btw). You could say I ‘bring in’ minimum wage roughly. When I stopped employment we set up pension fund for me which has set pay in a month, and also a life insurance plan in case something happens to DH so we can manage financially. I plan on returning to work probably when da starts school. He is in nursery 3 days a week. I do all household chores and most admin. I also do some ‘side projects’ with my ‘free’ time whilst DS is at nursery that benefit everyone - DIY jobs etc. DH gets no say in what I do. We are very transparent and communicate well. Lots of appreciation for each others - valid - contribution, whatever that may be.

My advice wasn't for you. He might want to it's worth suggesting because he likes money and extravagant things. He doesn't want to work evening shifts or weekends to pay for it. He has 4 children to support. I have 4 children and know how much money it takes to look after them.

That her husband and her clearly have different visions for the future

he’s taking the piss

the op doesn’t seem to like him very much let alone love him

it’ sounds a shite marriage and the idea of introducing more children in to is depressing

op better off going back full time, saving her pennies on the side and then upping sticks

@Arabella3

As I see it, you work the hours you need to work to have the lifestyle that you want. Comfortable, but not 'luxurious-ish'. Your DH wants 'luxurious-ish' but he wants YOU to fund it at the cost of time with your child. Nope. If he wants it, he earns it. If he can't by increasing his hours or taking a 2nd part time job then he'll have to do without. Just like the rest of us do.

Or as my late lovely MiL used to say "Want in one hand, shit in the other. See which one gets filled first".

@Arabella3 wpild he take on more domestic and admin/mental load why is that not

I think you need to make this non negotiable because it is for you and your children and work towards and far better split of domestic chores and load

Does your Husband have any intention to pull his weight around the home? Either now or if you took on more hours? Is there a reason why you do 90% of this?

Surely this needs addressing before more hours are discussed. As what he is asking is you work more, pay a larger chunk of the bills and have less time with your Daughter, what is he doing to contribute with this?

I can’t get my head around having a baby with someone who already has 3 children and the financial, emotional, practical and logistical consequences of that.

Interesting

a higher paid step parent who has decided not to share their money with their spouse, presumably leaving the spouse working full time on less money without as much money to spend, and having to spend that on their kids.

I genuinely do wonder what responses a male posting this would get

Why the hell should she just to allow her husband to spend on luxuries!!!!

If you work ft, chores must be 50:50. If he hates the imbalance, could he work 4 days too.?

I’m already paying more of the household bills and for stuff directly for SC, just not maintenance. I don’t think any stepparents should pay maintenance.

Generally speaking that 5th day is rarely worth a lot. After tax, travel costs and childcare, the actual extra money tends not to be much, and you can preserve your career as well working 4 days as you can 5.

I’m not disagreeing with that, just that if you were a bloke you’d be hauled over the coals for being a higher earner and not sharing, regardless of the existence of any step kids (he’s be told they come as a package)

Did you miss the part where she pays 60% of the bills and does 90% of the work in the house and with childcare? I dont think this is anything to do with her being a woman, she is doing more than her fair share and he has ambitions apparently but only for his wife to do more while he does less.

@Billydavey
What you keep missing, despite being patiently explained to repeatedly, is that the op is doing 90% of the unpaid work. Which very very few men on this planet would do if also being the breadwinner.

You’re first massive mistake was getting married to a man who was;
a) already a father to three children
b) the lower earner with champagne tastes

This had disaster written all over it from the beginning.