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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 13:43

Moonnstars · 21/02/2025 13:14

I don't think it's the poster who wants a better lifestyle and it doesn't sound like they are on a tight budget either. She has said that she currently pays 60% of the costs, the house is big enough should they have another child and she does the majority of the house work.
The issue is her DH wants holidays, a new car and an extension but he doesn't have a good job that pays well, so wants the OP to work more to cover this.
My interpretation is she is not bothered about a new car or extension and has said a holiday isn't even fun for her as he will go off with the SC leaving her alone with the baby. So why should she work more to fund a more luxurious lifestyle and miss out on time with their baby just because he wants more material items.

Yes, you are right. As I said, I somehow missed the OP's later posts when I wrote my reply to her.

FatLarrysBanned · 21/02/2025 13:45

Out of interest @Arabella3 what hours was his ex wife working when they had small children?

BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 13:46

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 13:14

We’re not on what I’d consider a tight budget. We can afford holidays, just it'll be more camping and staying with friends on the coast and less fortnight in the Canaries in August. We have a five bedroom house - a kitchen extension would be nice but it’s not essential. The children all have extracurriculars which we pay for.

I wouldn’t be opting to have children we can’t afford. My day off with DD means I can take her swimming then, and spend 1:1 time together then, so the weekends can still be all about SC.

Yes, sorry about that. As I said to someone else, I somehow missed your other posts before responding. Sorry!

Mulhollandmagoo · 21/02/2025 13:48

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 12:00

I should add we’re not fighting over it and he accepts he can’t force me back in to work! But he is a bit grumbly about it because it’ll delay what he wants (extension and holidays etc)

So he needs to find a way of earning more money then surely?? Sounds like he wants you to make sacrifices so he can have the life he wants!

BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 13:48

thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 13:24

OP has said that they have plenty of money for living costs. The only negative impact of her doing 4 rather than 5 days is that they have fewer holidays and can't afford an extension (which they don't really need).

OP is already paying 60% of everything each month, which includes whatever her step-children need while they are at OP's house. She is doing much more than her fair share, financially.

In relation to OP's DH taking a day off a week to spend time alone with his children, OP has said:

'He doesn’t want to reduce his hours. We had the opportunity for shared parental leave and he didn’t want it. He likes working.'

Yes, you are right. As I've said a couple of times already, I somehow missed the OP's later posts before replying.

NotSmallButFunSize · 21/02/2025 13:50

I work 4 days and my youngest is 8 - have said I am prob never going back to full time as I use the 1 day a week to do all the house crap and general life admin that he would then have to partake in at weekends if I didn't.

DH seemed pretty ok with me continuing the 4 days when I mentioned that....

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 21/02/2025 13:50

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 12:00

I should add we’re not fighting over it and he accepts he can’t force me back in to work! But he is a bit grumbly about it because it’ll delay what he wants (extension and holidays etc)

Well he’ll just have to get a better paying job then won’t he.

EarthSight · 21/02/2025 13:50

I assume he finds no value at all in the mothering that you can provide your child then?

Does he understand that parenting can't be outsourced like that? That parenting and being a good parent is more than just having your child fed and played with by other people? Was he packed off to boarding school as a child or something?

You're already working 4 days week. I understand some people have to work as they can't pay the bills or eat otherwise, but what the point of having children if their own parents aren't the ones to look after them for 40 hrs a week??

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 13:52

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 12:31

I know many

Seriously? Or are rhe men you know simply "pulling their weight" you actually know multiple men who do the lions share of the housework, the lions share of the childcare (including his wife's other kids), bring in the lions share of the money, pay for the lions share of the bills?

Where is thus mythical land?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/02/2025 13:54

@Arabella3 so who looks after his visiting kids when he is working in the holidays??? he should be taking on extra work if you cant go back full time.

wfhwfh · 21/02/2025 13:55

Mulhollandmagoo · 21/02/2025 13:48

So he needs to find a way of earning more money then surely?? Sounds like he wants you to make sacrifices so he can have the life he wants!

Agree with this 100%. OP is the one entitled to be grumbly - if he wants to be transactional with her then she’s the one who has got the raw deal!

DorsetHornet · 21/02/2025 14:00

Tell him to fuck right off. No way I'd be dictated to about what days I should work if I was still managing to pay over half of the bills. Is he mad?

I'd drop an extra day and pay 50/50 out of spite.

StormingNorman · 21/02/2025 14:02

Neither of you are right or wrong - it is something you need to agree together. I voted YABU because you think you get to decide unanimously.

When considering a compromise, I would also consider whether he would still want a second child on the basis of you working part time.

CindereIIa · 21/02/2025 14:02

I will never understand why women of childbearing age, who want to have children, would shack up with a man who already has children, is paying maintenance, and has his availability severely curtailed (or at least, should do) by already having children. There are thousands of men who DON'T have these restrictions on their time and finances. OP chose poorly, it seems. Bad enough that he isn't in a well-paying job, but he's paying CM, we assume, they have to have a bigger home to accommodate the existing kids, he has to put time in to them (rightly so). Women, raise your bars, dearie me. And yes, same goes for young men looking to start a family. I really don't get restricting yourselves in this way.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/02/2025 14:04

Surely the reason why you can’t afford a holiday is because he is supporting two families?

thestepmumspacepodcast · 21/02/2025 14:04

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

Hi OP, Unless there's a massive backstory then you're absolutely not being unreasonable! Enjoy the time with your baby, it is good for you and the baby. Having stepchildren as well means a busy household a lot of the time so having that Wednesday just the two of you is very precious. Good luck!

GabriellaMontez · 21/02/2025 14:05

Yanbu.

He has 4 kids and expensive tastes.
However his salary is slightly limited.

He'd like you to work more so that he can maintain his current lifestyle.

He's a cheeky bastard. And I agree with a pp, he's struck gold with you.

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 21/02/2025 14:07

Yeah I take a different view. Four days to five at a nursery normally isn’t significant in terms of cost as they can do per week rather than each individual day.

I do think you are being unreasonable but not for the reasons you may think.

You say he expects you to go back five days a week but you refuse to do so. There is no compromise or partnership thinking it’s just you both being stubborn about what you both want.

Also, why don’t you share money? If you are married it’s shared anyway and may stop this feeling of division.

You are being unreasonable for digging your heels in instead of trying to find a way around this.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/02/2025 14:08

He's got a nerve, hasn't he? It sounds as though he sees you as a cash cow, who can give him the life he thinks he deserves. He's not prepared to do anything to improve his life himself, is he? He won't even cut his hours to enable you to go back to work. You already do most of the housework. You pay for 60% of household costs even though he has three children who need to be paid for, too.

Hold tight on this one. You have a five-bedroomed house and now he wants you to give up time with your baby so that you can work harder and buy an extension? Absolutely cheeky bastard.

I'd be reconsidering things.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 21/02/2025 14:10

Wait. You pay 60% of the bills, do most of the childcare/household chores, fund holidays for HIS children (your stepchildren) ... and he wants you to work longer hours and miss out on precious time with your little one so he can continue to have expensive holidays and a house extension?

And this is in a house that you only purchased so his own children have rooms of their own when they visit; you'd have been happy in a smaller home that costs less to run for you and your own children?

And he's also unwilling to re-train or look for a better paying industry himself because he doesn't want to. But expects you to.

I think I know why he's divorced.

Good thing you can support yourself and your child. You may get fed up of his entitled attitude in future and need to.

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 14:11

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:42

He’s more money-driven than I am, but happens to be in a lower paid industry with little chance of that changing unless he retrains and takes a big pay cut (which he’s never expressed an interest in doing). I think he finds it quite frustrating that I have the opportunity to earn a lot more, but don’t take it. He’s more ambitious and a much harder worker.

I’ve got no issue with going back to full time and career progression, just not while I have pre-schoolers.

We have no immediate financial worries. He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays with SC, but they’re all wants to me, not needs.

What industry does he work in?

If he does decide to learn a new trade or skill then it depends on what it is. Learning a new trade doesn't mean a down pay that's not what I have experienced it means a pay rise. It does depend on what he is going to do.

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:12

To be fair to DH, if he could increase his income he would. He’s on a high salary for his field. He needs to keep weekends free for SC and he works all week, so he’d be looking at midweek evening shifts, which would likely be pubs / restaurants / supermarkets and near minimum wage. With 50% tax it’s not going to be hugely worthwhile.

And to retrain, he’d need to not work for a while and/or take a pay cut to build himself up, and whilst I’d be open to discussing supporting that, I wouldn’t be up for paying his maintenance at the current level, so it’d have a negative impact on SC in the short term.

Long-term, it does make sense for me to advance my career, and I’m sure I will do that in due course. We make a good team 95% of the time and I don’t begrudge paying what I pay.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/02/2025 14:13

the7Vabo · 21/02/2025 13:07

I think this is scandalous. The man has 3 children already. His priority should be supporting them IMO. Having another relationship with additional children is fine but not if it means he pays less towards his existing children. What is their mother supposed to do, magic up additional money while minding 3 kids?

How do you know the 3 kids are not at school most of the day? If he has 4 DC his resources should be spread between them. OP has a baby but is working 4 days could the mother of his other DC not do the same?

GabriellaMontez · 21/02/2025 14:14

Sounds like the problem isn't really his job which has decent pay and he enjoys.

The problem is, he has 4 children to support but doesn't want to cut back for a few years.

So he would like you to fill the gap.

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 14:16

Why does he have to pay CMS? Why aren't his kids living with him half the time?

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