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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Loloj · 21/02/2025 13:13

Stick with your 4 days. I work 4 days a week and I’m the higher earner. My DC is about to go to secondary school and I have no intention of increasing to 5 days - I love my 3 day weekend - makes life much less stressful.

ThePartingOfTheWays · 21/02/2025 13:13

comfyshoes2022 · 21/02/2025 12:57

I’m going to go against the grain a little bit here. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for one spouse to wish the other spouse would maximise their earnings. At the same time, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for one spouse to say they want to work four days a week while the kids are young. So, of course it’s fine for you to say this is what you want to do, and for you to do it because you’d rather have the time with your kid than the extra luxuries. But I can see why your spouse might wish you felt and did differently, and it doesn’t seem like he’s a totally horrible or taking advantage person to me to feel that way. Of course, he needs to stop grumbling about it at some point , and if he’s really pressuring you, that would be inappropriate. In my circle, almost every couple with children both work full time and so that is the baseline expectation, and I’m sure some people would be grumbly at least initially if their spouse wanted not to do that.

If those people are all being facilitated to the extent that this DH is, they're taking the piss too. But I suspect they're probably not, since this is a very niche set of circumstances.

Original poster
Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 13:14

BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 12:50

First, I'll answering your question with a question for a sec here: Why do people insist on getting in over their heads?

So, you married a guy who you knew already had kids. And now, after having another child together and cutting a day off your work schedule, you're on a tight, no-frills budget, with both money and time, for the foreseeable future.

Okay, I totally get wanting to have a child of your own and wanting a little extra time to spend with that child.

Beyond that is where you start to lose me. Here you're focused on digging in your heels and "refusing" go back to work that extra day, when that's not even on the radar for a couple of years anyway. While I don't necessarily disagree with the four-day workweek, I think your focus is a bit off here.

Because, at the same time, you're talking about having another child? Thereby ensuring even less money and even less time, and stretching the need for that extra day off further into the future. An additional child is a far heavier issue than a four vs. five day work week. And let's not forget, more tension, when your marriage is already showing signs of strain as it is. Piling on even more on top of this could easily lead to a break. And then you'd have far more serious issues than working one day more or less per week.

So, why not step back a little and at least consider not having another child and instead considering your stepchildren enough to fill that void? It seems to me the two of you already have plenty of children.

Also, you want (or rather, demand, going by your post) one day per week alone with your child but did you even consider if his children ever get a day alone with their father? They were here first and they deserve as much consideration as your current and possible future children together, not to be thought of as something he "owes you" for or somehow "not counting," as far as how many children you two have. An additional child's needs would also take more away from them, when they've already suffered loss.

Anyway, I hope I'm not seeming too rough on you right now but I'd urge you to re-consider how to best navigate so things get easier, rather than harder, in the future. I think you'd all win if that weighed in more strongly than an image you have in your mind of what your family "should" look like.

Also my opinion, as someone who's been married for decades, refusing/demanding and scorekeeping aren't great attitudes for a long and happy marriage. As a starting point, I think you're both far more likely to win if instead, you think of yourselves as what you really are now, a team where you both want the same main thing: The best life possible, all around, for your family (including the children he came in with). So that's my two cents, for what it's worth. Good luck to you.

Edited

We’re not on what I’d consider a tight budget. We can afford holidays, just it'll be more camping and staying with friends on the coast and less fortnight in the Canaries in August. We have a five bedroom house - a kitchen extension would be nice but it’s not essential. The children all have extracurriculars which we pay for.

I wouldn’t be opting to have children we can’t afford. My day off with DD means I can take her swimming then, and spend 1:1 time together then, so the weekends can still be all about SC.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 21/02/2025 13:14

BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 12:50

First, I'll answering your question with a question for a sec here: Why do people insist on getting in over their heads?

So, you married a guy who you knew already had kids. And now, after having another child together and cutting a day off your work schedule, you're on a tight, no-frills budget, with both money and time, for the foreseeable future.

Okay, I totally get wanting to have a child of your own and wanting a little extra time to spend with that child.

Beyond that is where you start to lose me. Here you're focused on digging in your heels and "refusing" go back to work that extra day, when that's not even on the radar for a couple of years anyway. While I don't necessarily disagree with the four-day workweek, I think your focus is a bit off here.

Because, at the same time, you're talking about having another child? Thereby ensuring even less money and even less time, and stretching the need for that extra day off further into the future. An additional child is a far heavier issue than a four vs. five day work week. And let's not forget, more tension, when your marriage is already showing signs of strain as it is. Piling on even more on top of this could easily lead to a break. And then you'd have far more serious issues than working one day more or less per week.

So, why not step back a little and at least consider not having another child and instead considering your stepchildren enough to fill that void? It seems to me the two of you already have plenty of children.

Also, you want (or rather, demand, going by your post) one day per week alone with your child but did you even consider if his children ever get a day alone with their father? They were here first and they deserve as much consideration as your current and possible future children together, not to be thought of as something he "owes you" for or somehow "not counting," as far as how many children you two have. An additional child's needs would also take more away from them, when they've already suffered loss.

Anyway, I hope I'm not seeming too rough on you right now but I'd urge you to re-consider how to best navigate so things get easier, rather than harder, in the future. I think you'd all win if that weighed in more strongly than an image you have in your mind of what your family "should" look like.

Also my opinion, as someone who's been married for decades, refusing/demanding and scorekeeping aren't great attitudes for a long and happy marriage. As a starting point, I think you're both far more likely to win if instead, you think of yourselves as what you really are now, a team where you both want the same main thing: The best life possible, all around, for your family (including the children he came in with). So that's my two cents, for what it's worth. Good luck to you.

Edited

I don't think it's the poster who wants a better lifestyle and it doesn't sound like they are on a tight budget either. She has said that she currently pays 60% of the costs, the house is big enough should they have another child and she does the majority of the house work.
The issue is her DH wants holidays, a new car and an extension but he doesn't have a good job that pays well, so wants the OP to work more to cover this.
My interpretation is she is not bothered about a new car or extension and has said a holiday isn't even fun for her as he will go off with the SC leaving her alone with the baby. So why should she work more to fund a more luxurious lifestyle and miss out on time with their baby just because he wants more material items.

Clearinguptheclutter · 21/02/2025 13:15

Having two (more) children is going to delay things like new cars and extensions and fancy holidays for the vast majority of families. It’s how it goes.

not that you should have to, but point out the cost of having two children in nursery full time for starters. It probably makes the extra day working barely worthwhile.

janglejingle · 21/02/2025 13:16

Why would he want to take that precious mummy time away from your child and put them in full time childcare when it’s not what you want either? He sounds selfish.

OhBow · 21/02/2025 13:16

My god he struck gold when he married you OP.

I won't write anymore as I'll get cross with him.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2025 13:18

@Arabella3

hes not wrong to want to have money for stuff like holidays Op.

are you sure he wants to have another child like you do?

cookingthebooks · 21/02/2025 13:19

Oh you’re not even slightly unreasonable here! Stick to your guns and do not let him make you feel bad or less than. If he suggests you need to earn more then suggest he pay 50% of bills and then you can enjoy your extra 10% back!

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 13:21

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2025 13:18

@Arabella3

hes not wrong to want to have money for stuff like holidays Op.

are you sure he wants to have another child like you do?

He wants them, why can't he work harder and pay for them?

Imbusytodaysorry · 21/02/2025 13:23

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:43

He doesn’t want to reduce his hours. We had the opportunity for shared parental leave and he didn’t want it. He likes working.

He wants , he wants .
Also your previous post, wants not needs.

Can I ask why you pay 60% is that based don earnings?
My thinking is with his kids there a lot he should probably equal the percentage out. .

Who subsidies his children staying ?

Maray1967 · 21/02/2025 13:24

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 12:15

His not more ambitious if he won’t retrain to earn the money he seems to want to spend but not earn. You already cover 60% of the costs do all the chores and life admin.

He needs to step up or shut up frankly. Expensive tastes on a poor man wage he needs to live within his means.

Exactly. He can’t afford what he wants - tough. I went down to 3 days not long after I went back full time as it was tough. DS got every bug going, we had no family help and I have a job that doesn’t stop just because a child is ill. Marking and admin just piled up, and supervision meetings had to be rescheduled on top of next week’s work. For my sanity I went down to 3 days and that worked well. We had cheap holidays. My DH never once tried to push me back to full time.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 13:24

BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 12:50

First, I'll answering your question with a question for a sec here: Why do people insist on getting in over their heads?

So, you married a guy who you knew already had kids. And now, after having another child together and cutting a day off your work schedule, you're on a tight, no-frills budget, with both money and time, for the foreseeable future.

Okay, I totally get wanting to have a child of your own and wanting a little extra time to spend with that child.

Beyond that is where you start to lose me. Here you're focused on digging in your heels and "refusing" go back to work that extra day, when that's not even on the radar for a couple of years anyway. While I don't necessarily disagree with the four-day workweek, I think your focus is a bit off here.

Because, at the same time, you're talking about having another child? Thereby ensuring even less money and even less time, and stretching the need for that extra day off further into the future. An additional child is a far heavier issue than a four vs. five day work week. And let's not forget, more tension, when your marriage is already showing signs of strain as it is. Piling on even more on top of this could easily lead to a break. And then you'd have far more serious issues than working one day more or less per week.

So, why not step back a little and at least consider not having another child and instead considering your stepchildren enough to fill that void? It seems to me the two of you already have plenty of children.

Also, you want (or rather, demand, going by your post) one day per week alone with your child but did you even consider if his children ever get a day alone with their father? They were here first and they deserve as much consideration as your current and possible future children together, not to be thought of as something he "owes you" for or somehow "not counting," as far as how many children you two have. An additional child's needs would also take more away from them, when they've already suffered loss.

Anyway, I hope I'm not seeming too rough on you right now but I'd urge you to re-consider how to best navigate so things get easier, rather than harder, in the future. I think you'd all win if that weighed in more strongly than an image you have in your mind of what your family "should" look like.

Also my opinion, as someone who's been married for decades, refusing/demanding and scorekeeping aren't great attitudes for a long and happy marriage. As a starting point, I think you're both far more likely to win if instead, you think of yourselves as what you really are now, a team where you both want the same main thing: The best life possible, all around, for your family (including the children he came in with). So that's my two cents, for what it's worth. Good luck to you.

Edited

OP has said that they have plenty of money for living costs. The only negative impact of her doing 4 rather than 5 days is that they have fewer holidays and can't afford an extension (which they don't really need).

OP is already paying 60% of everything each month, which includes whatever her step-children need while they are at OP's house. She is doing much more than her fair share, financially.

In relation to OP's DH taking a day off a week to spend time alone with his children, OP has said:

'He doesn’t want to reduce his hours. We had the opportunity for shared parental leave and he didn’t want it. He likes working.'

Yotoyoto · 21/02/2025 13:24

Some of the comments on this thread are utterly bonkers! 🤯 @Arabella3 you pay more than your fair share, and you do most of the household stuff. YANBU, do not lose your day with your child to fund him.

WaltzingWaters · 21/02/2025 13:25

Given the circumstances absolutely not. You’re bringing in a very good proportion of money as it is. That time with your pre-schoolers is incredibly important and absolutely flies by.

Leafy74 · 21/02/2025 13:25

I think I've cracked the reason for the gender pay gap.

DazzlingCuckoos · 21/02/2025 13:26

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 11:44

So you'd be going up to full time, giving up a day with dd, and in return, bring in a higher % so then pay in more to the bills meaning he would end up with more free money?

Is he happy you and dd losing out so he can line his own pocket a little more (on your income)?

Quite.

Or another way to look at it is that he wants OP to earn more and sacrifice time with her child, so that he can spend more money being Disney dad to his other children.

OP then says he has expensive tastes and is very money motivated, other than when it comes to actually earning that money in the first place!

He's expecting OP to fund his lifestyle when she's ultimately happy with what they've got.

YANBU OP - if you were really struggling financially, an extra day may help, though obviously you'd be paying for childcare and potentially household help too, so it's possibly not worth much anyway.

School years will come around quick enough and you'll be spending less on childcare then and you can have a bit more spare cash then to spend on holidays and extensions.

Aimtodobetter · 21/02/2025 13:29

He should thank his lucky stars that he has a partner able to contribute so much financially, whilst also doing most the household work, supporting him in his relationship with his first two kids and creating a third (and maybe fourth) child. He’s got a great deal out of this - his values are off if he thinks fancier holidays matter more than you having some time with your child.

Concentrationlost · 21/02/2025 13:32

I do think once they start school it gets harder rather than easier having two parents working full time too. He's thinking about what he can treat himself to but not considering the cost to your DC. If they're in after school club every day, when do they get time for hobbies, playdates, homework and relaxation? If you can afford a parent to be there for pick up some days it is really beneficial IME.

ThePartingOfTheWays · 21/02/2025 13:33

Leafy74 · 21/02/2025 13:25

I think I've cracked the reason for the gender pay gap.

Edited

In general, or in this particular household?

Inthebleakmidwinter1 · 21/02/2025 13:35

@Digdongdoo she doesn’t but I bet it would shut him up!

Shinyandnew1 · 21/02/2025 13:37

He’d like a newer car, an extension and more/better holidays

And he wants you to fund them! Stuff that.

If he wants new stuff and you aren't that fussed about it, it's up to him to fund it. He needs to change industry, not expect you to be the cash cow!

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2025 13:38

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 13:21

He wants them, why can't he work harder and pay for them?

Show quote history

@Digdongdoo

he already works full time though doesn’t he? Don’t think Op would be happy if he were out the house and away from the family even more

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2025 13:38

SwanOfThoseThings · 21/02/2025 12:10

OP doesn't say her original agreement to return to work full time was contingent on her DH covering more of the bills, so this is completely irrelevant.

OP agreed to return full-time before she had the baby, now she has changed her mind - unless her DH agrees to this change, OP is not treating him fairly.

Show quote history

He wants (not needs) fancy holidays and a better car

She doesn't

Why should she work more to pay for what she doesn't want or need? He can get a better paying job

maddening · 21/02/2025 13:39

I was all ready to say yabu as a person cannot demand to be financially carried by another - but you are financially carrying him and his dc so yanbu!