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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 21/02/2025 22:12

GrumpyPanda · 21/02/2025 21:26

But it's morally right for OP to indirectly subsidize a bone idle ex wife?

My point isn’t directed at the OP.

the7Vabo · 21/02/2025 22:15

caringcarer · 21/02/2025 21:28

CMS child maintenance payments does not reflect the cost of bringing up a child, no. It simply states all DC should get a share of the absent parents resources. The likes of footballers, e.g. Kyle Walker pays thousands every month for each of their DC which we all know DC don't cost that much. Other parents who maybe don't work at all, don't pay enough to feed their DC. CMS takes a percentage of whatever they do have and awards all DC an equally percentage. That is how it works. I have a relative who works for CMS and she gets all kinds of abuse when she explains this to the parent who provides most care for DC. For example a Dad might have 2 DC with his partner. They split up and he remarries and has another DC with new spouse. Mum remarries and has another DC with new partner. Let's say the original Dad is a high earner and pays £800 per DC each month and has DC to stay with him 2-3 days each week. Then after h has a new baby with new spouse he might be told by CMS to pay £533 per DC so ex gets £1066 pcm for 2 DC. Ex has a baby with new partner he is unemployed. First 2 DC are well provided for by their Dad but her new baby won't be because it's Dad is unemployed. Dad and new partner both provide well for their new baby so that baby is well provided for. Each of Dads 3 DC get £533 of his resources each month. Life is not always straight forward and can be complicated. But that's how it works.

Seems like a system that just encourages feckless men to keep having kids tbh

LastRoIo · 22/02/2025 00:46

Given that OP earns more, would it not make more sense for him to drop to four days and look after the kids while she works full time?

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 00:48

Bambiisasillybilly · 21/02/2025 19:54

The ex can up her working days from 2 to 3.

Always someone jealous of the ex 😂

MissTrip82 · 22/02/2025 02:07

Well clearly retraining and not working isn’t an option as obviously no parent can just stop supporting their children. As a decent parent he’d be devastated to be unable to even offer the bare minimum that is government mandated child support.

You can’t really have expensive tastes and four or five children. Something has to give. He needs to relook at his options to earn more.

timetodecide2345 · 22/02/2025 03:57

He's money driven but not in a job that pays well! Sounds like a loser. Tell him to retrain or shut tfu.

NewHeaven · 22/02/2025 04:37

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:43

He doesn’t want to reduce his hours. We had the opportunity for shared parental leave and he didn’t want it. He likes working.

Then he needs to earn more money to support his family and help raise his children by being physically present.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 07:00

The OP clearly WANTS 2 children and if prepared to do that with someone who clearly has skin as thick as a rhino to think he can possibly have a view in the OP’s working arrangements when he earns less and has no less than 3 other children to provide for.

Not only does he sound like a complete piss taker, he’s also a bit thick and clearly very greedy

but the Op blindly wants 2 children come what may (anyone else think it’s odd when the op said she’d have preferred to have had NO children rather than just one?)

TBH both the Op and her husband come off as a bit odd!

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 07:59

MissTrip82 · 22/02/2025 02:07

Well clearly retraining and not working isn’t an option as obviously no parent can just stop supporting their children. As a decent parent he’d be devastated to be unable to even offer the bare minimum that is government mandated child support.

You can’t really have expensive tastes and four or five children. Something has to give. He needs to relook at his options to earn more.

CMS is I assume the minimum?

wfhwfh · 22/02/2025 08:16

I think what OP meant by the 2 children or no children comment was that if her husband hadn’t agreed to 2 children upfront, she wouldn’t have entered into a serious financially-committed relationship with him in the first place - she’d have walked away from him (and the step-children) at that point.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 08:24

wfhwfh · 22/02/2025 08:16

I think what OP meant by the 2 children or no children comment was that if her husband hadn’t agreed to 2 children upfront, she wouldn’t have entered into a serious financially-committed relationship with him in the first place - she’d have walked away from him (and the step-children) at that point.

Which is surely a rather odd stance

OP: either you commit right here and now to TWO children or I’m off
Partner: shall we see how we fare with one child first?
OW: NO!!! Commit to TWO or I’m off

my view is
the husband is a greedy thick cheeky fool

the op entered in to a relationship with someone I guess quite a bit older than her, divorced with 3 dependents and earning less than her hit at the same time knowing she adamantly wanted two children come what may. Quite a risk, wouldn’t you say?

CrispieCake · 22/02/2025 09:19

Tbh I get where the OP is coming from regarding the two kid thing. The husband may stay or he may leave or the OP may boot him out, but would she rather be a single parent to two children or one child? It's fine to think two, if you can support them adequately in the event of relationship breakdown.

caringcarer · 22/02/2025 09:20

OP wants a little time at home with her baby. She works 4 full days a week. It seems to me if the DH or the ex complains about receiving a bit less they should up her own working hours. OP is already providing more income than her DH.

Harry12345 · 22/02/2025 09:23

SwanOfThoseThings · 21/02/2025 12:02

Before I had DD I expected to want to go back full-time, and thought part-time wouldn’t be an option in my industry.

You are the one who has changed the goal-posts, in that case. You agreed to go back full time and now you have reneged on that. Your DH is right to challenge you.

Do we just forget biology here? I could never have imagined the feelings I would have after giving birth. What is better for the child here too? I’m all for equality but I don’t think we should ignore that most woman’s instincts and feelings are different to men and the fact she covers most of bills and does most of mental load and house work makes her unreasonable

Convolvulus · 22/02/2025 09:36

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 13:14

We’re not on what I’d consider a tight budget. We can afford holidays, just it'll be more camping and staying with friends on the coast and less fortnight in the Canaries in August. We have a five bedroom house - a kitchen extension would be nice but it’s not essential. The children all have extracurriculars which we pay for.

I wouldn’t be opting to have children we can’t afford. My day off with DD means I can take her swimming then, and spend 1:1 time together then, so the weekends can still be all about SC.

I suspect your children get a lot more out of your local holidays than they would flogging off to the Canaries. It won't do your husband any harm to park his expensive tastes for a few years, and it will positively benefit your children if you're around more.

nope2025 · 22/02/2025 09:38

nope2025 · 21/02/2025 11:35

See if you can work 3 days, not 4.

You don't need to explain a damn thing. Literally everyone, including your husband, understands why you want to spend time with your baby.

The time is flying away from you and these years are utterly irreplaceable. DO NOT return to full time work until you are ready to do so.

Ignore the fuckheads.

I would reconsider having another baby by this man though, as he sounds like a bit of a fuckhead too.

PacificAtlantic · 22/02/2025 09:45

On the assumption household chores are split. Why should he subsidise your lifestyle? Why should he be the one to miss time with his child and pay for you to be able to. Unless you are able to pay half of all the shared bills you have no right to refuse to work less hours without his agreement. Shared child, shared cost.

PacificAtlantic · 22/02/2025 09:48

I totally misread the money split so completely ignore my comment! If you are paying over half it’s totally your choice.

nope2025 · 22/02/2025 09:49

PacificAtlantic · 22/02/2025 09:45

On the assumption household chores are split. Why should he subsidise your lifestyle? Why should he be the one to miss time with his child and pay for you to be able to. Unless you are able to pay half of all the shared bills you have no right to refuse to work less hours without his agreement. Shared child, shared cost.

And yet she is not going to be forced back to full time work, per her own words. So, it seems she does have the right, after all 😂

Branwells77 · 22/02/2025 09:52

I’m sorry OP but your DH sounds awful so he expects you to go back to work full time when you are already doing 4 days a week you are paying the majority of the bills and doing the family admin and housework all because he wants nice holidays an extension and a newer car ooh OP open your eyes he’s a leach and sucking everything from you the question is
“what do you want to do” don’t be bullied or guilt tripped in to going back full time.

CosyLemur · 22/02/2025 09:54

Moonnstars · 21/02/2025 11:52

Is he not realising that it might cost you to put your child in nursery an extra day, so therefore any money you gain is then spent on childcare?

I think he is delusional and if he wants more money then he needs to think about his job (and retraining as you suggest) as I agree the things he wants the money for are wants and why should you sacrifice time with your child if this is not something you also want.

Did you not see the part where he'd have to take a massive pay cut to do that? They have little to no savings so he can't take a pay cut can he - not when OP is not willing to take up the slack!

Figgygal · 22/02/2025 09:56

I've worked 4 day week since my eldest was born hes now in secondary and youngest in ks2. I've stayed in same job all that time and if I move jobs I accept will likely be on a FT basis.

My dh seems to think 8i said I'd return to FT once both in school - which I've never said ever.

I'm the higher earner despite being PT on that day it's all school runs, shopping, cleaning, dog walks and any admin. Thankfully he now works from home and sees that day I barely sit still and all that shopping/cleaning/admin would get pushed into weekends and so it's positive for the household overall we maintain the status quo. Also makes school holidays easier as already 1 day a week easily covered.

Cattreesea · 22/02/2025 10:16

He sounds like a cock-lodger...

You are the highest earner, you pay a bigger share of the bills and I assume you do most of the childcare, house cleaning and life admin.

Now he expects you to work full time so he can continue to coast in his low paid, dead end job.

You need to have a serious conversation with him and make it clear that you are already pulling your weight financial and that he is the one who needs to do more at home and also sort out his career.

Arabella3 · 22/02/2025 10:21

To be honest, I do think DH (and SC, and his ex) have got used to me paying for a lot which I shouldn't ever have started to pay for. In the past I’ve not had to watch the pennies and I’ve paid most of the household costs plus a lot of extras. DH pays maintenance but he/we also pay for all extracurriculars at both houses and associated costs, all uniform, winter coats and school bags, birthday parties, expensive day trips and holidays, a lot of clothes and shoes which never return…

DH is going to have to start saying no to his ex wife and SC sometimes, or take the financial hit from his personal spends. And it’s expensive. So I do get it.

But at the end of the day, time with DD is more important to me than SC having £100 designer coats or three foreign holidays a year. To me, having to tighten one’s belt when paying for nursery costs is totally normal.

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 10:32

Arabella3 · 22/02/2025 10:21

To be honest, I do think DH (and SC, and his ex) have got used to me paying for a lot which I shouldn't ever have started to pay for. In the past I’ve not had to watch the pennies and I’ve paid most of the household costs plus a lot of extras. DH pays maintenance but he/we also pay for all extracurriculars at both houses and associated costs, all uniform, winter coats and school bags, birthday parties, expensive day trips and holidays, a lot of clothes and shoes which never return…

DH is going to have to start saying no to his ex wife and SC sometimes, or take the financial hit from his personal spends. And it’s expensive. So I do get it.

But at the end of the day, time with DD is more important to me than SC having £100 designer coats or three foreign holidays a year. To me, having to tighten one’s belt when paying for nursery costs is totally normal.

I think there’s a balance here.

You knew he had 3 DC when you married him. And children cost money. A lot of money.

So it’s not odd IMO that you may have to pay more household expenses as is supporting 3 kids.

I think it gets confusing when you start paying directly for SC. Instead should it not be your household expenses are X and you agree a spilt taking into account his expenses for his kids?