Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 22/02/2025 10:35

@Arabella3 . And that's a decision you're perfectly entitled to make. Tell your DH that spending time with your DC is more important to you than funding material shit for him and everyone else.

GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2025 10:44

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:12

To be fair to DH, if he could increase his income he would. He’s on a high salary for his field. He needs to keep weekends free for SC and he works all week, so he’d be looking at midweek evening shifts, which would likely be pubs / restaurants / supermarkets and near minimum wage. With 50% tax it’s not going to be hugely worthwhile.

And to retrain, he’d need to not work for a while and/or take a pay cut to build himself up, and whilst I’d be open to discussing supporting that, I wouldn’t be up for paying his maintenance at the current level, so it’d have a negative impact on SC in the short term.

Long-term, it does make sense for me to advance my career, and I’m sure I will do that in due course. We make a good team 95% of the time and I don’t begrudge paying what I pay.

Another one here who'd like to know why he's paying so much CM?

You have SC every weekend and all holidays.

You also pay for extracurriculars.

It sounds close to 50 50.

It's certainly reasonable to not be buying designer coats on top of this.

MumWifeOther · 22/02/2025 10:46

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 10:32

I think there’s a balance here.

You knew he had 3 DC when you married him. And children cost money. A lot of money.

So it’s not odd IMO that you may have to pay more household expenses as is supporting 3 kids.

I think it gets confusing when you start paying directly for SC. Instead should it not be your household expenses are X and you agree a spilt taking into account his expenses for his kids?

Show quote history

It’s not her responsibility to pay for his children?

She already contributes a lot but she should not forgo time with her child to give her SC luxuries their parents should be providing!

Uberella · 22/02/2025 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 11:02

MumWifeOther · 22/02/2025 10:46

It’s not her responsibility to pay for his children?

She already contributes a lot but she should not forgo time with her child to give her SC luxuries their parents should be providing!

Show quote history

I never said that. I said that she knew he had 3 kids when she married him so he had an existing outgoing so if she wants a house & two more kids she may have to contribute more to their household as he can’t as he has 3 kids to pay for.

I don’t think she should be paying anything towards SC holidays included. I don’t understand why they have it worked out that way. It would be cleaner to have a spreadsheet for their household where DH contributes X amount to the household and he then pays for everything to do with SC.

NImumconfused · 22/02/2025 11:11

Arabella3 · 22/02/2025 10:21

To be honest, I do think DH (and SC, and his ex) have got used to me paying for a lot which I shouldn't ever have started to pay for. In the past I’ve not had to watch the pennies and I’ve paid most of the household costs plus a lot of extras. DH pays maintenance but he/we also pay for all extracurriculars at both houses and associated costs, all uniform, winter coats and school bags, birthday parties, expensive day trips and holidays, a lot of clothes and shoes which never return…

DH is going to have to start saying no to his ex wife and SC sometimes, or take the financial hit from his personal spends. And it’s expensive. So I do get it.

But at the end of the day, time with DD is more important to me than SC having £100 designer coats or three foreign holidays a year. To me, having to tighten one’s belt when paying for nursery costs is totally normal.

Stand your ground,OP. Your husband wouldn't be able to afford most of that without you. His first family got to have a parent at home for their early years, it's incredibly unreasonable that he thinks your shared child shouldn't have that opportunity for just one day a week so that you can subsidise his kids being spoilt and his ex wife not having to work more than weekends.

JayJayj · 22/02/2025 11:12

I went back to work 4 days. I still really struggled leaving my daughter. A year later and I’m September I dropped my position and went to an over night job working 2 7 hour shifts.

My husband was not on board at first so I missed the opportunity earlier on in the year. But he could see how much I was struggling being apart from her.

I think if you could drop to 3 and wanted to I’d do that.

Tiswa · 22/02/2025 11:17

A very frank comversation is needed about finances I think and some boundaries put in place about the fact that you cannot pay for luxuries and he needs to step up

exaxtly what apart from maintenance does he pay for

I do still feel you are being taken advantage of and the fact he would rather you work 5 days and his child was in childcare 5 days is something I would be thinking about

AlmosttimeforChristmas · 22/02/2025 11:32

OP, stock to your guns. Nothing is more important than this time you will be spending with your child. You are setting them up for life. The early years are so important - it’s where their entire personality is formed and resilience is scaffolded. Enjoy that extra day. I can’t understand at all why you’re being criticised for wanting it

AlmosttimeforChristmas · 22/02/2025 11:32

Tiswa · 22/02/2025 11:17

A very frank comversation is needed about finances I think and some boundaries put in place about the fact that you cannot pay for luxuries and he needs to step up

exaxtly what apart from maintenance does he pay for

I do still feel you are being taken advantage of and the fact he would rather you work 5 days and his child was in childcare 5 days is something I would be thinking about

Agree

Original poster
Arabella3 · 22/02/2025 11:40

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 11:02

I never said that. I said that she knew he had 3 kids when she married him so he had an existing outgoing so if she wants a house & two more kids she may have to contribute more to their household as he can’t as he has 3 kids to pay for.

I don’t think she should be paying anything towards SC holidays included. I don’t understand why they have it worked out that way. It would be cleaner to have a spreadsheet for their household where DH contributes X amount to the household and he then pays for everything to do with SC.

Edited
Show quote history

That’s what we have now, because I can’t afford to pay for everything I used to pay for (and don’t want to). I’ve discussed with DH and I’m happy for SC’s costs whilst here or at school to be considered family costs. We’ll still pay for extracurriculars. But when SC show up saying they all want new trainers even though their old ones still fit, that’s up to DH to choose to fund or not, from what he can afford.

I can accept that it’s my previous generosity that’s made things a bit of a mess now but here we are. You live and learn!

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 22/02/2025 11:41

They got to used to their golden goose.

You shouldn’t be financing designer coats for their children and you/he shouldn’t be funding their entire school trips and uniforms. Both of their parents should be.

You already support via the nicer bigger home covering 60% there that their father couldn’t afford alone.

Mumlaplomb · 22/02/2025 11:41

OP stay working four days. You pay more than your share. You are caring for a child on your day off. I still work four days and mine are both at school, I also earn more and pay for more. I get from 9-2.30 on my day off to myself and it is often used for housework, school stuff, life admin. I would urge you not to agree to going back full time when your child starts school. it doesn’t get easier then they need you more due to homework etc.

I know my husband would like me to go full time but given he works weekends a lot he knows it would be a big ask of me who holds the fort on my own all weekend with two kids.

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 11:50

Arabella3 · 22/02/2025 11:40

That’s what we have now, because I can’t afford to pay for everything I used to pay for (and don’t want to). I’ve discussed with DH and I’m happy for SC’s costs whilst here or at school to be considered family costs. We’ll still pay for extracurriculars. But when SC show up saying they all want new trainers even though their old ones still fit, that’s up to DH to choose to fund or not, from what he can afford.

I can accept that it’s my previous generosity that’s made things a bit of a mess now but here we are. You live and learn!

Show quote history

We all make mistakes. It’s good that it’s been cleared up.

I think the outstanding is working on your husband’s expectations of what is affordable when outgoings are so high.

lessglittermoremud · 22/02/2025 13:05

Could you perhaps up your hours so work the equivalent of a 5 day week but over 4 days, if you want to earn a little more?
Personally I think you’d be mad to go back to a 5 day week when you sound like you more than pay your fair share, and if it means camping holidays over holidays abroad and you’re happy with that then you don’t need to work full time.
There are many 2 parent families who have full time working parents who cant stretch to frequent holidays.
It does sound that you and your DH aren’t really on the same page, I suspect that is because he has other children and as you say has struggled previously with money/tight budget.
The separate finances aren’t odd really when you consider he has to pay maintenance and I can understand you wanting another child. I guess it depends how ‘grumbly’ he gets about you not wishing to work full time, if it becomes an everyday grumble and lots of pointed comments, the relationship will start to struggle.

wfhwfh · 22/02/2025 13:20

Your husband must have had a much lower standard of living when he was with his ex-wife. Therefore, his expectation of a more affluent life must have developed after meeting you.

Hopefully you’re able to have a frank discussion with him around finances as I think his attitude will start to cause resentment unless it’s nipped in the bud now. I also think that he maybe just needs a prompt to reflect on just how good he’s got it. He was the one who made the choice to go for a lower paid career/industry. And he needs to be accountable for that choice and not make it a “you” problem.

Id at least broach with him dropping to 3 days. Maybe you compromise on 4 - but I think it’ll give him pause to reflect on the sacrifices you’re making for him and his children. You say that he’s otherwise a good man - so I think he’s maybe just lost sight of this. I do think it’s easy for partners of higher-paid spouses (whether male or female) not to appreciate the effort that goes into earning the extra money unless they’re reminded of it

NewMrsF · 22/02/2025 13:35

(Only read the first page so far so sorry if I missed info)
so he wants you to work more so that he can pay less? So you’re his work horse?, he can get fucked.
I have a NWD and they’ll have to prize that from my cold dead hands. So much easier to have the day off as standard than have to fight for it off amongst colleagues at half term.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 14:19

How often are the SC with you?

I can’t imagine a penny of my penny going to towards 3 children that have their own parents when I have my own child.

id want the money you’ve spent on them to be spent on MY child or investing in their future

MamaBear4ever · 22/02/2025 14:30

100% do not go full time , with extra nursery costs it's just not worth missing out on time with them when they are little. When they are in school you can reconsider

Endofyear · 22/02/2025 14:32

Tell him if he wants more money, he can earn it. You're not his cash cow. This time with your baby is precious and fleeting!

caringcarer · 22/02/2025 14:57

It's pretty obvious the 3 DC from his first marriage are getting far more now with you treating them to all extra curricular activities than when they lived with both their parents. Next time they come asking for new trainers when their current ones still fit I'd say did you ask your Mum to buy them for you? Your dh's resources should be split between all his 4 DC not just the 3 first ones leaving you to pay for everything for your joint DC. Hold your ground OP.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 14:59

Op if (if being the key word) this relationship actually lasts until your child is a tween / teen..,, you will be so pissed off with the money you spent on his children because you’ll realise how that money would have benefited your children , if not directly then at least savings

Tiswa · 22/02/2025 15:00

So he has money in his personal spends and still wants you to cough up for new trainers (which don’t sound needed)

I still think he is using you for a luxury lifestyle mine wouldn’t ask for new trainers until the old ones have worn out

and the fact that in order to have this he wants his wife working 5 days his child in nursery 5 days rather than wanting them
to spend a day together as to is affordable

Manthide · 22/02/2025 15:21

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:58

Before I had DD I expected to want to go back full-time, and thought part-time wouldn’t be an option in my industry. To be honest, as much as I love SC, I also love a break from them, and I (wrongly) assumed I’d feel the same about DD. So it’s me who’s changed the goalposts!

I was very upset about going back to work and DH and I agreed to me dropping one day (I wanted two) but haven’t discussed when I’d be returning to full-time.

Domestic wise I do the majority plus all the admin / mental load, but he isn’t useless and does a lot of the big jobs without complaint.

Dd1 had a beautiful baby girl last year and expected to go back full time after maternity leave. She has now decided she will only go back 3 days as she doesn't want to leave her dd. Her dh hasn't expressed any opinion - she is more advanced in her career than he is - but she doesn't want to leave dd. No one knows until they have a child what they will feel like.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 22/02/2025 15:21

Stick to your guns OP, managing work and childcare gets even more complicated when your DCs start primary school. Your DH needs to get a grip on his expectations and work out a fair way to finance the lifestyle and expectations of his DC with his ex. You should not be expected to work FT so his DC can have trainers and new coats.