To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

[Arabella3]

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

Bit odd not to express any opinion! Nor do you mean no negative opinion?

I meant negative opinion. Generally they are supportive of each other and obviously they both adore their dd. Dd1 earns more than her dh when working full time but they are not competitive.

If they pay household bills proportionally and she earns more then her have to pay less if she did

I wouldn't do it, I'd cut down to 3.5 days and split bills 50/50 instead and enjoy a half day of me time

When everyone was furloughed - 80% of pay, they didn't see a huge change in income. Sit down and do the calc to see what the actual difference is and you'll be surprised just how little it is.

It sounds like your DH needs a better job.

Pls do not change your hours. That 1 day a week is irreplaceable, I know cos as the breadwinner with my DH as a SAHP, I had to go back full time after a few months with DC1 and never managed to get any time with DC2, which I resented for a long time until I semi retired about 7 years later but Ive always hugely regretted it.

You need a work/home balance. Money isn’t everything so absolutely agree with you!! I have just went back after having a baby 3 days a week (nurse. So long hours) and I have no intention of increasing it even when they go to school 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

So he wants you to work more so you can fund his lifestyle especially his kids?

Are you sure you want a second child? Till time to exit.

If you were in debt, yes. If you couldn’t pay a fare share of the bills yes. But ffs you are paying 60% does he cover his dc (your step dc) costs alone?

I don’t see the point of having kids then farming them off for someone else to look after them. I wanted 3 days working personally. Going to school doesn’t make it easier I found wrap around care was shorter hours than nurseries.

you are an adult, capable and independent you don’t have to anything you don’t want to.

I worked part time most of my life as my children were 10 years apart. I tried full time when my first child went into school but it was a nightmare. Hubby had gotten used to me doing 95% of housework, shopping, homework, school runs, I could obviously go on lol. So when I went full time my life (me) was nonexistent and our relationship really suffered. Reduced my hours to 21 a week and life became good again. You don’t have the fancy holidays and money is tight but we manage. I’m now 53 and I’m still part time 😂. And loving it

Does 60% of household bills include bond / rent etc? So basically you earn 60% of the total family income, while he earns 40%? If that's the case, then he has no legs to stand on.

It is worth clarifying what "60% of household bills" is because it gives the impression that you earn more than him while working reduced hours.

OP, you are a workhorse atm and if you have a second child with him, you will bitterly regret all the money you wasted funding him and his first family.

You are mad.
He will never be able to fully contribute.

Eaten bread is soon forgotten.
They have indeed gotten use to your money.
You should have been banking savings.

Stop all extras now that you are paying for, you will need that money if you want another child.

Youre married and splitting bills ? And you’re paying 60% of them on a reduced salary.

If you’re working full time and making more money - where is that money going ?

Id be a massive cf and open an account for household cost and have my salary put into a separate account. Then I’d total up the household costs divide it by 2 and then that’s what I’d be depositing into that account. Then in alternate weeks for grocery shopping and I’d make sure he had a detailed list. Then I’d make a chore board and alternate responsibility for chores.

let him decide if he wants a roommate or a wife.

Rubbish

he only pays 40% of the bills and that's DH I r 2 kids from. Previous relationship too.

she wants one day that is just with her child.

hiw the AF is that unfair on him.

if he wanted nicer holidays and cars and children by different mothers he should've chosen a different career path loving what you do is all well and fine but it doesn't usually pay the bills as well as another career might

You won't want to do it when she goes to school either. Childcare is harder when they're at school and doing some drop offs and pick ups is so precious. As is a bit of catch-up time at home.

I can't see an extra day making a huge difference when you factor in nursery.

Stand your ground - he sounds like a PITA.

You need to go 50/50 on household costs and save any extra for a ‘fuck you’ fund and/or for holidays/car/second child if you prefer to share with your DH. He needs to realise what you are actually contributing. Most partners I know would be willing to subsidise the SAH parent not be expecting them to foot the lions share of household bills. And definitely not for holidays/new car etc. Do not give up this precious time with your child. Unless there’s stuff we don’t know he is being a selfish dick.

I'm with you OP! I work 4 days and have no intention of ever going back to 5 days once kids are in school (unless I really love the job I'm in by then). Plan is to have a day to run errands, do a shop, etc, which would obviously benefit the whole family as you then don't need to do some of those things on the weekend.

I would never trade my day with my DS for the money, it's not worth it. They're only little for a short time so if you can afford it, do it.

My mother in law still only works 3 days and her youngest is 30 😂

I don't think its unreasonable to prioritise time with your daughter over building up savings and holidays.

But I also thing it's reasonable if your husband doesn't want a little sibling for DD if between you you don't earn enough for savings and holidays now. A 2nd DC would be an additional pressure

He has no argument of any kind regardless of who earns what, because he is prioritising cash in his pocket over motherhood. The only argument in favour of full time work is a) the mother wants it or b) you cannot make ends meet without it.

Some things cannot be weighed up monetarily, so ignore the fuckheads trying to do that.

The fact that you are also the higher earner makes him a true fuckhead.

Do not have another child with this man and make sure you are well covered financially and legally, for when you split up.

Typical scenario.
First wife gets to be with her children at home but he needs a solvent workhorse woman to fund his first family, hence he is well pissed that second wife isn't prepared to work as much as possible and sod her wanting to spen time with her baby.
Your position is clear OP....fund him and his first family.

It’s a hard balance once you have children, esp now in this expensive life. I worked full time until we had children, went back part time with our first,DH worked full time, on a lot more than me.
When we had our 2nd DS, I took a career break, but I also did volunteer work at our 1st DS nursery, which lead me into a new career, early years. So I went term time , earning a minimum wage, just enough to cover the basics.
18 years later I still work in early years, we had our DD amongst it all, its tough working with a family to raise, the illnesses, the appointments, the school hours,
My DH has never really appreciated the juggle, he didn't realise it was half term last week! He works hard but unless I tell him what’s needed regarding our DD, he’s totally oblivious, its been like that for 25 years for me.
Whats the point of my waffle? Who knows ??? I’ve lost my point , guess thats the menopause for you!
Hope you work it out!

He didn’t have three kids, he had two. And if you read OP’s updates, his two kids are getting a lot more than standard maintenance pays for. OP is facilitating their lifestyle as well as having the SC most weekends while his ex works.

Did you not discuss this before you became pregnant? If so, who has changed their position on it?

Yab a bit u, because it should be a conversation and joint decision, imagine if dh also refused to work full time for the same reason? Any change impacting the wider family should be discussed and agreed jointly. If you both agreed beforehand and he has now changed his mind then he is BU.