To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

He sounds quite similar to my son who is now 8. He’s very bright, loves being read to but struggled to learn to read and still struggles with writing.

Here’s what worked for us:

• scrap the school reading books (or do the bare minimum). Take him to the library to choose books he wants to read. We started with Dog Man comics - DS went from struggling to read to reading fluently pretty much overnight because it wasn’t a chore.
• get a twinkl subscription. When you speak to the other teacher ask for specific examples of work he finds difficult and then support him with resources from there.
• letter formation - writing in sand/dirt with sticks, or play doh. Use sky-grass-ground paper (can be found on twinkl) and explain how some letters go up to the sky (like h or d) some go down to the ground (like g or y) but others sit on the grass (like a or e). Explain that most letters (apart from e) you write by starting at the top.
• other than that, keep doing what you’re doing. He missed the first year of EYFS. I understand your reasons for this and don’t disagree with it - that time spent with you would have been just as valuable, but the trade off is that he’s a little behind now so needs a bit of extra support.

You’ve got this!

I say that you know your son, have faith in yourselves and in him. I haven't read the whole thread so no idea what others have said, I don't want it to sway my gut feeling but in my experience (2 sons, now young adults), as in any job or profession, some teachers just aren't very good and some aren't very nice. You sounds like brilliant parents, I would arrange to meet with the other teacher who shares the job and see what they say. All the best. Oh, and also, it's a great sign that he has made friends in school.

For the teacher to show you other children’s work so you can see your dc is behind was unnecessary. Children learn at such different pace's
He’s in reception-I would keep encouraging him to read, write and draw at home but I wouldn’t get too worried about it, especially if you think he’s bright and articulate.
Invite other dc for play dates and try to foster a love of learning, the rest will come when he’s ready. If there is a learning difficulty there, he will be ok with parents that care like you do. I’ve been a primary teacher for a very long time and seen many a child like this, especially boys.

I wouldn’t move him just yet. Ask to see the other teacher as I would say ‘nothing about what Mrs Jones said rang true, and it has caused us to worry. Referring to him as the silent one was also a cause of concern.’ Ask what you can do to get him up to speed, make sure that school knows you are your DH are all over this and

My DC went to pre-school two days a week and in that last six months they really got her started on writing. She could write her own name by the time she started school.

Op he sounds absolutely lovely, it is his first year and he will catch up in his own time. Don’t panic, the school environment can be a lot for children that haven’t spent much time at nursery.

OP I'm sorry you are getting such judgmental comments and random speculation from people who weren't there.

I don't think it is a mistake not to have sent him to preschool if he didn't like it at all- it's not like it matters whether he starts reading at 4 or 6 in the long run. It might mean he needs more support to settle than others but I think a lot depends on the setting too.

I think the teacher is the issue here- it is unprofessional to compare him to others. My son couldn't write or draw neatly at 4 and still can't and I was told it was normal - especially for boys. He wasn't very interested. They are often behind girls with fine motor skills. But no one ever said it was an issue. At nursery and school I am always told about his strengths and I can tell they see him as a person and who he is.

If your son seems happy I wouldn't move him -but perhaps talking to the other teacher would help. Doesn't sound like his teacher has really got to know your son.

I will add OP, that your son is still really young. My son is still at preschool (Nov born) but I anticipate he might struggle with reception (due to his ASD and weaker motor skills). However I'm confident that he's in a supportive learning environment and don't doubt that collaboratively we will be able to work with the school to help him get to where he needs to be. He's in mainstream with no additional accommodations in place and he loves it and it's such a relief to see that he's happy and know we have such supportive teachers.

Also, OP if my child hadn't been happy in pre-school, I would have take them out, too.

The teacher saying 'another silent one' is quite unprofessional !

My Ds (now 18) was extremely quiet in his reception year (especially with adults) . His understanding was fine !
He failed to hit a lot of his ELGs too, but did get intervention in year 1 etc and as parents we supported him at home with reading !
DS , now 18, has predictions of 2 x As and a B in A levels.
Your son has SO much time ahead of him - don't underestimate your input as a parent too!
The school he was at (in a deprived area too) was FAB, same with the secondary - he and his sister have learnt SO much tolerrance and acceptance of a variety of individuals in society.

My oldest had his preschool years interrupted by covid, and half his class were "behind" when they started. They are in year 3 now and all just fine.

If you are worried, do some extra bits with him at home. Get him to find all the letters in his name on a page. Get him to copy out the title of each book you read to him and draw a picture of the cover to make himself a reading record (make it an art project rather than pressure on his writing). Get him to make an alphabet for his baby sibling's room so you can teach the little one the alphabet. Watch some alphablocks. Get some placemats that have the alphabet on them so he is looking at his letters every time you sit down to eat. Make letters toys - get some alphabet magnets for the fridge or alphabet shapes for the bath.

If he is reading Biff and Chip then I think he is doing fine. Lots of reception age kids wouldn't be able to read those.

Ask to speak to the other teacher. He's only in reception so really don't stress, kids develop at different rates. Sounds like you are doing lots to support him at home.
My dd went to pre school but still took a while to settle at school. One teacher in particular she didn't click with who was obsessed with her being quiet! I had one awful parents evening with her. Went away and wrote down my concerns and went back and asked for another meeting to discuss.
I explained what we were doing at home to support her and asked if they had any other ideas. I explained she was shy and that wasn't going to change over night and some kids just are quiet!
Just keep supporting him at home he's only four.
My very quiet dd thrived with her next teacher, maybe she was just a bit older and had settled better. I also suspect she just liked the teacher better. The comment about the other silent one 😮 some kids are just quieter! Hopefully his other teacher doesn't have such a downer on quieter children.
Write everything down, take a bit of time to calm down and ask for another appointment.
My very quiet DD is now in her 20s did well at college and got a distinction for a work based apprenticeship and spend her days talking to people and sorting out difficult issues.

The only time teachers do this with other kids work is if parents are refusing to accept the issues, which reading the post and subsequent comments it sounds to be the case. Even the fact that the next step is not to start recognising and addressing issues it’s to either move or meet with the other teacher to presumably to try and get a different picture.

Teachers do not have difficult conversations like this without cause, and for a not small number of kids the rest doesn’t just come. And the key thing when looking at outcomes for these kids is engaged parents - as in parents engaged with their child’s difficulties rather than a state of total denial.

Of course a teacher will disagree but as a parent who had 2 job share teachers for her child, lots of things fell through the gaps of communication and it was clearly not as good as having one teacher.

Much better to have consistency. What use is a teacher at parents evening who doesn’t see the child for over half the week?! At the very least both teachers should be present at parents evening to give the complete picture.

I haven't read all the replies, I'm sure this has been said many times but I think preschool is hugely important! For both my DD's in was invaluable in teaching them social skills and how to be independent, they came on massively at pre school. TBH you say it was somewhere he didn't need to be, I disagree, he did need to be there and that shows now!
Not to make you feel bad though, what's done is done.

I was very quiet at school, and not particularly sociable, I wasn't unhappy though. It might just be his personality, I am a bit introverted, much better in small groups, hut I am quite a happy positive person. Contrary to popular belief Introverted does not necessarily mean unconfident. I can speak up n a crowd if I need to, but I love quite and my own company.

I was also pretty average at primary school, but did well at GCSE and A-Level and went to a decent uni

The feedback will have been based on both teachers feedback not just one and is based on specific criteria. If this was the feedback given it’s both their feedback and will have been agreed in advance. There isn’t going to be a situation where one teacher says working toward and the other says exceeding.

What a despicable way to speak to you about your very small child.

They sound amazing, and she sounds unprofessional at best.

Not all children thrive in a classroom environment at that age.

See what the other teacher says.

I was a teacher for thirteen years, and it's disturbing how many teachers are in the wrong job.

This ^

You are in a deprived area and your child is behind others in his class, the teacher is trying to find out if there is a reason for this.

They are asking appropriate questions.

Yes go to see the other teacher, he might get on with the other better.

If he is not used to being with a large group he might just be taking time to find out the 'rules' for the situation.

Support the school with his reading and writing and ask them to help him work on social skills.

Talking to the other teacher is a good idea.

It’s very common for kids to behave differently at school compared to home. Based on your description of him being very quiet and being friends with another quiet child, I’d be most concerned about the possibility that he needs support with social skills and I’d be asking teacher 2 if they had nurture groups etc Anecdotally my sons were quiet in Reception but by the time that they were in juniors, were chatty and much more socially confident. They went to schools that supported social skills and it helped their confidence.

It’s super normal for kids who are good at one thing to need support with other areas do while he’s doing well counting to 100, it’s fine that his writing needs support. As you said, he’s not interested in it so doesn’t do it at home so it’s no surprise that he’s behind in it 🤷‍♀️ . Education is a marathon and not a sprint. As long as he catches up long term, his handwriting at age 4/5 won’t matter. Look up ways to build writing muscles if you want to help him without it being obvious to Ds that it’s about improving his writing muscles.

I understand that it’s annoying (embarrassing?) for you that the teacher assumed that he’s quiet at school because he’s in front of screens all day but the school system relies on kids demonstrating what they know to teachers so more confident and extrovert kids are assessed more accurately. When a child is quiet then the teacher obviously can’t give balanced feedback like complimenting his knowledge of say Ancient Egypt but say that he needs to work on writing because she doesn’t know.

If you’re kicking yourself for pulling him out of preschool then I’d stop because it’s fine and you can’t go back. I also wouldn’t move schools. He’ll still be behind with writing and the new school and children might mean it takes even longer for him to relax at school. Have you invited anyone from school for a play date ? Dealing with one person on his home turf might be more of a confidence boost?

I think for children school, especially state school is so different to other parts of life.

For example, I work with people who do the same job as me, we are diverse in some ways but overall we are similar people, we think in similar ways which is why we do the job we do!

My friends are people I met at uni or people who live locally and have children a similar age. They have similar values to me, we own similar houses and our incomes are probably in the same range. We share a lot of the same struggles.

We go to church where there is more diversity but generally we share the same values and expectations.

School is just everyone in together in a way that most other parts of life aren’t. They have to cater to everyone, people who have vastly different experiences and values.

What I would say is YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD BEST.

But maybe there are some areas you haven't focussed on, which at his age is fine, that you could turn to a bit now. so for e.g. fine motor type skills related to writing and drawing - so if he knows his numbers try dot to dot books, writing books where they follow the lines and then chatting about things - it sounds like he is a little withdrawn at school so maybe a bit more socialising for him

The school does seem negative and the teacher clueless. It really was wrong to show you other children's writing. And you were naturally upset. I think I would move schools but maybe give it a bit longer. Maybe get him a tutor once a week. I think that is what I would do.

OP,
Arrange to have your son's hearing checked.

Very often, what can be seen as not being focused, not paying attention, not fully joining in etc. and behaviour that could possibly be indicating neurodiversity can be caused by the effects of things like Glue Ear which is easily treatable.

Ex primary teacher (now home ed parent) here.

It’s not unusual, especially for boys, to be bright and articulate at 4/5 but just simply not ready for formal reading and writing. Unfortunately starting school so young takes away the opportunity to start that process when they’re ready rather than than when school dictates they should be ready. School can’t really function without kids who are able to read and write hence the focus so young.

Also boys develop fine motor skills later then girls (generally, not always), which means writing can become difficult and even painful for them which just puts them off. Again, starting them too early forces this. To aid this you could use things like plasticine at home and little taaka like using plastic tweezers to pick up small items and transfer them bowl to bowl. If you google it you’ll find loads more information about this.

In terms of reading, what you don’t want to to do is force it anymore than school is doing. All you will do is kill his love of books. I’d go this own pace as far as possible and don’t stress about it. He will get there in his own time x

I do think your son sounds a bit like mine at that age. He had excellent vocabulary and was interested and charming and seemed (verbally) quite advanced for his age it was a bit of a shocker when he couldn’t grasp things in school. Reading was a massive issue, pencil control etc. He’s actually really dyslexic which took years to diagnose as he really refused to work in school.

I think it’s actually a real struggle when you are “clever” to not be able to do what every one else can do. It’s really disheartening. Other children can be also be very mean.

Im not saying he is dyslexic but something to consider. He is bright and articulate and interested. We found the way that he needed to process knowledge was different. The way he learnt to read was different. Phonics was absolutely useless. Also had issues with fine motor skills. Although excellent gross motor skills. Never toddled of fell over as a young child. Teaching art and music and dexterous stuff like finger knitting actually really helped build up those skills without the pressure of a pencil.