To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

And I would have concerns about a teacher not saying anything positive at all about a child who can converse well about the natural world etc. At my DS2’s reception induction the teacher and TA both commented on that - after two hours with him.

It sounds like he needs to engage with writing so might be worth practicing this at home. Otherwise I think he does sound bright but it isnt coming across at school as perhaps he is being shy if he's a "quiet one". He will eventually hopefully settle in and feel braver and speak up more

Jobs share teachers are a nightmare, DD had 2 in primary and it’s never as good as one teacher who knows the children really well, so I would definitely speak to the other teacher. She sounds awful, tbh. Calling kids “silent ones” is terrible.

Children who go to nursery or pre school often have a year where the pre school start teaching letters and numbers, and a lot of the skills needed for reading and writing - so activities with pens, activities to develop fine motor control etc.
If your child has mostly been at home he won't have had this, and yes he may well be behind.
Why wouldn't he of done that at home he had a parent with him all the time. My 4 could do all this and could write their own name before school. I was a SAHM.

How is the teacher supposed to comment on OP’s ds’s ability to discuss the natural world when he doesn’t do that at school. Anyone can say ‘my dd can do long division at home, ride a pony bareback and monologue about Plato’ but if they never speak at school and won’t pick a crayon up how is the teacher supposed to know

Your son sounds like my son when he was in reception, very vocal and engaging at home, but the opposite at school.

They didn't think he could speak at all, he was so quiet at school, he took a long time to settle, but remember, every child is different, and it hasn't been long, changing schools will just unsettle your child more.

He hasnt had any other school experience, so naturally he will not know some of the things the other children that have, will have, I know he is your darling child, but don't take it to heart, it is the teachers job to highlight where help is needed, I bet in 6 months time, it will be different.

Give him time

My older one was slow to write, quick to read. The younger one is the opposite! They will get there in the end but I know what it feels like when the school say things like this, as if you are a terrible parent. Mine both did two days a week at private nursery with a pre school which probably helped them with expectations, but the older still had struggles with school and working in the classroom environment despite being bright. It's often a long haul with kids, you have to put in a bit of effort often with the writing or reading or maths, disguise it as other things. DS2, in Y1, is much more resistant to reading books than his older brother but for example likes reading posters, or magazines, or what was written on my t shirt this morning! It can be really frustrating as a parent too to keep this up when they are resistant, so you have my sympathies!

Look, it means nothing to be behind at this age.

My older one wasn't doing great with reading at this age and now, in secondary they did those tests to pick up any issues and apparently, his comprehension is around 125, which is a genius level (that's what they told me at school). It still doesn't correspond to his achievements at school, I believe he is in the second highest set for English and not the highest.

I think the most important thing is that he likes it there.

Don't beat yourself up about what you could/should have done in the past, focus on the situation going forwards.

I think the first thing I would do is check whether you agree re your son's penmanship skills. Give him some paper and pens at home and ask him to do a picture and sign his name.

There are plenty of ways you can support him if he's struggling with writing- it could be something as simple as him not holding the pen correctly. There are special triangular pens that can help with that.

If he likes dinosaurs maybe dino colouring books. I really like the Julia Donaldson activity books, they are better than a lot of other similar books, very handy to have with you when out and about. He might like the Room on the Broom one or Zog.

Other ways of exploring fine motor skills - art activities with beads, painting etc. Cooking (opinel does a safer knife set for kids learning knife skills). Games like operation. Using chopsticks (do this together for a fun family dinner)

And also have a think about friendships, maybe setting up a few play dates in the park when spring eventually arrives!

My youngest went to a “alternative” type nursery from the age of 2. They didn’t follow a preschool curriculum so no phonics or writing etc. minimal reading. When he started reception I worried a LOT that he wouldn’t be on the same “page” as those who went to the usual local nurseries. Before the year was out he was the same as the others and now halfway through year one, he’s slightly ahead in some areas and where he should be for the rest. He will catch up. Dont be so hard on yourself and defo don’t be moving him… he will have to start again socially more than anything, which seems to be a problem. All the best

I don't think that's typically just dyspraxia. I'm dyspraxic, I can't ride a bike , trip over my own feet a lot, have to tie my shoes in a different way, but I am very creative, extroverted and sociable, make friends easily. I work in an industry where my communication skills are crucial. My handwriting is fine albeit it took me a little longer as a child to get there.

So you are going to take your child from his friends and what he knows and move him to another school because you are not being told what you want?

What about if the 2nd and 3rd school say the same? How on earth is this fair on him?

It's incredibly unusual not to go to pre-school these days. I'm surprised you didn't realise this would be a major disadvantage for him! You can't keep removing him when things are tough. Stick with it, talk to the other teacher and hopefully he'll catch up. He does sound to maybe have obsessions/over-talking/ routines etc, so keep an eye out for SEN. You clearly want the very best for him.

Sometimes the teachers are really crap at giving a message, either because they just aren't good with people (we have one teacher at school who pretty much has her job share interpreting and saying "what Mrs X MEANS is...." Or because they have 25-30 kids and don't know them yet.

I remember our first parents evening where we were saying we thought our DD was bright / engaged and the teacher said "a lot of parents think that and this seems like a bright class (end of conversation)". It wasn't until she found my DD teaching others the 12× table during a role play session that we were called back in.

I would ask for a meeting with the other teacher but also be aware of hidden messages. You've said his interests are narrow and fixed, he may be overwhelmed by the sensory environment (quiet). If you do need some kind of ASD assessment then get on the list as it's long.

At 6 yrs old I was told by private school they could not teach me son, they did not want him ie I should withdraw him from their school. He now has 3 degrees and earns £300,000 pa and bonus - so richer than all those teachers!

No, this wasn't the school I wanted but there was very little choice in our area, where they are all full and you are only guaranteed a place in your catchment school, or this one. This will sound snobby, but it's a fact that the school we are in is largely populated by white working class people and others in the area are more ethnically diverse, which we liked as they better reflect the demographic of the area overall. However,at the lovely catchment school the headteacher said that, while they have been praised for having no racism, children only really mix with people from their own ethnic groups outside of school and that she 'can't get involved with birthday party invitations.' I thought that was such an odd thing to say unprompted and it made me think friendships would be an issue and would never extend out of school. That and the lack of outdoor space made us choose the school he is in now. Had we chosen any others (other than the catchment one) we would almost certainly not have got in, but places do come up in year as there is quite a lot of movement in and out.

I do like the school though and the head is impressive. At the transition meeting we met the other teacher and she seemed great so maybe we'll feel better after a meeting with her.

120+ is exceeding. 140+ is gifted if NFER or similar. 130+ is rare (top 1-2% nationally)

Doesn’t mean he wasn’t a little shit bag aged 6 though! Money ain’t everything! My brother earns similar, terrorised his teachers and is a grade A arse hole as an adult.

I wouldn’t worry. My DD was put in a class for children needing extra support in reception and year 1, and she left school with 12 x grade 9 GCSE’s last year. Seriously he is so young. Mine were definitely behind the DC who went to the school nursery as mine were at a daycare as we worked. All the other DC were quite advanced in phonics and the daycare hadn’t touched on any of that. But they caught up. Sometimes I didn’t think the teachers knew my DC at all. So many comments about DD being quiet, but that’s her personality. It came as a huge shock when she got the highest marks in the mocks in the school as she never put her hand up in class, but she knew the answers. Your little boy sounds just fine. I think some of the teachers comments were rude (the other silent one).

You did nothing wrong, you're doing nothing wrong. He is happy, this is a big win and everything else will come in time whether you spend lots of extra time at home or whether you don't. None of mine did preschool (they also stayed home with dad) and they all found their way at different points. If they are happy they will learn. You have not let your child down with any of your decisions. Don't worry x

DON’T PANIC. Of course he’s behind those who went to preschool, he hasn’t been exposed to most of what they have. I think the teacher asked some questions that were bordering on rude personally but I wouldn’t pull him out at this point as he needs to stick with a routine I feel. He’ll catch up, he probably has a greater vocab than lots of children in the class but they of course aren’t seeing that YET. Leave him there for the rest of the year, ask for things to be sent home that you can help with - name writing template, phonics books or flash cards etc. He’ll be fine, mine were similar because they’re August born and they didn’t start school until reception. My daughter is doing really well now she just needed more time to show it (Y3 now)

What's NFER?

I have a kid who was the silent one. Very chatty at home but very quiet. He’s a teenager in high school and still quiet. Being quiet and not having a big gaggle of friends is not a problem. DS1 struggled a bit in pre school with friends but soon had a group of 3-4 friends and that’s how it’s always been. He’s not the life and soul of the party but he has a nice small group of friends.

I agree with the person who said that the teacher should be comparing your son to age related standards NOT to what his classmates can do.

Is HE happy in school? Is he learning? You can always help him with reading, writing and numeracy at home (not worksheets, never worksheets but games etc). As someone else said can he concentrate, does he follow instructions. All of these are more valuable than what his art work looks like age 5.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about the pre-school thing. A boy in my oldest DS class had never been to nursery or pre-school at all and he settled straight into reception and is very happy and popular in the class, so its as much to do with the individual child and their personality. Pre-school can definitely help, but you can’t change the past so just move on from that and deal with what’s happening now.
Also remember that each child is different. Our DS1 did well in terms of writing, reading, but took longer to settle and struggled emotionally.
Our DS2 is in reception now and has some issues with his fine motor skills so is struggling with his pencil grip, so we’re doing loads of fine motor skills at home to help and are waiting on an OT assessment; and in terms of reading/blending he is behind on where others are but not in a concerning way, but he’s an August baby so he’ll get there.
I would definitely have a meeting with the other teacher and find out what areas he’s struggling with and what you need to do at home to help.

But more concerning for me would be that he’s referred to as “the silent one”. That would indicate to me that he’s not happy or settled in the class, especially if he’s not like that in other social settings. If he’s not happy and settled he’s not going to learn effectively. You mention he has some friends that are in the other class, could he be moved into that class perhaps, even for a trial period? I wouldn’t rule out moving schools though, if you and your son both aren’t happy, there’s nothing to be gained from staying where you are.

We're out and about all the time and he has never shown any social anxiety other than at preschool and now, it seems, school. This is why I am leaning towards blaming the setting rather than seeing is as a problem with him, but I don't want to set a pattern of him leaving somewhere whenever the going gets tough, I do see that would be a mistake

You've got a pattern of social anxiety across 2 settings. I think it's better to stay in one place, they will have to document and review any interventions they put on place to help your DS. Even if you end up moving him further down the line, he needs to be in one place long enough to build up an evidence base for what works for him and what doesn't.

But do be kind to yourself, I've been there with the awful first parents evening (although in our case we were kind of expecting it, just ended up being worse than we thought).