To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Don't necessarily listen to me, but listen to your own instincts and trust those over 'the norm'

My nephew had issues early on at school and it turned out to be a hearing issue. He seemed fine at home, but not in a noisy classroom. He was also quite shy and the hearing problem didn't help.
The situation improved after he got grommets.

Ok. Have read through all the OP posts, and here are my thoughts:

1. Taking him out of preschool entirely may not have been the best idea, because children do get a hell of a lot of socialisation and interaction. You’ve been told this a few times I think, but it’s in the past and you can’t change it. My son ended up with a mild speech delay when his nursery closed because of Covid, despite having interaction 24/7 with myself and my husband - he is 7 now and all caught up.

2. It sounds like your son is intelligent - but intelligent doesn’t equal school smarts or get you ahead on the curriculum unfortunately. I don’t think the teacher you saw was particularly helpful - focusing on negative issues is counterproductive. It sounds like your DS would benefit from improving fine motor skills to help him with writing etc. It’s good that you’re doing to speak to the other teacher - my son’s year 1 teacher was awful in comparison to both reception and y2, she was used to teaching older children and it showed.

3. I think you should research neurodivergence. You say you’re a teacher, but as you teach secondary it’s unlikely to help you identify any possible ND diagnoses in a primary age child. You don’t necessarily have to pursue a diagnosis, but exploring ND traits, behaviours, and coping strategies may stand you in good stead.

Can you source that claim re damaging please? Because that claim is as dangerous as the claim it does harm to not.

Where have I said they have SEND? As opposed to repeatedly stating if they’re behind whether it’s SEND or not early support will not harm them. I have deliberately not said send, in fact in one of my earlier comments I was very clear it’s hard to know if it’s send or lack of opportunity.

Absolutely agree.

The government funds earlier nursery, from 2yo, for families who are low or no income (qualify for free school meals). This is because nursery benefits disadvantaged children. The opposite of damaging them.

Honestly you sound so overbearing & nothing would be good enough for your child. Maybe homeschooling is for you. Big mistake not sending to preschool. He has had zero preparation.

Government-funded research shows that children in these settings before starting school have better outcomes, which is why they fund the free hours. Look up the SEED study which my ds (now 12) has been in since he was tiny. But seeing as you are clearly decent and caring parents who want the best for your child, and the teacher has alerted you (albeit clumsily) to this possible issue, I’m sure your ds will catch up.

I’d stop stressing @Nant90 he’s only reception and he has loads of time to gather the skills he needs. Sounds to me as though he has lots of potential and lots of advanced skills - but they’re not that useful in reception when what the teacher wants is kids who can read and write on a basic level rather than ask questions about why the sky is blue…

I think the teacher does sound arsey (the “silent one” comment) but don’t forget she doesn’t know you if you’re never doing the school run (no criticism, I’ve rarely done it myself). But moving probably won’t help him socially and he’s got someone else 3 days a week.

Focus on an easy reading programme at home (dancing bears by sound foundations is the one I used) just ten mins a day, but make it every day. And keep doing all the rest you are doing, he will come into his own. The reception teacher thought my DS1 was a little savage I think and without any redeeming features. Turns out he has ADHD and moderately severe dyslexia - but he also has an IQ in the top 3% and LOTS to offer! (And at 21 is about to finish third year at uni). I did so much stressing, but wish I had chilled out about it a lot sooner!

Just to give you some perspective. When my daughter was in nursery, her verbal report- with her actually sat with me- was absolutely glowing. The written one I was given didn't match at all. When I queried, they'd mixed up one of 'the other blonde girls' with her and we'd received her written report! So sometimes it's best just to clarify. ❤️

My son went to a ‘good’ primary school but despite us (and others) thinking he was very bright, every time there was a parents evening they would consistently say he was average or below. We couldn’t understand it. Then when he was 9 at the parents evening his teacher said he was very intelligent and would do well in whatever he did in the future. We then had him sit a test 11 plus exam (out of curiosity) and at the age of 9 he failed it by 5 points! He went to Grammar school and got 3+ A levels and a maths degree at university. So I’d recommend you trust your own gut on this- move him if necessary but don’t always believe all the teachers.

As a teacher, I NEVER show parents other children’s work at parents evenings, for this very reason. I always start with a positive and end on a positive, sandwiching in any developmental points in between.

It’s still very early days in Reception at this point in the year though. I wouldn’t worry so much about his academic attainment, but I do find his teachers attitude a little concerning.

You probably don’t want to hear this, but there’s no guaranteee that if you move him, things will be different. Infact it may actually make things worse.

Go with your gut.
I’d get him the hell out of the school.
Happiness is everything.

Oh my goodness. Don't cry! Think its the 'customer relations' aspect that is all wrong here. You shouldn't have been shown anything of any other child. Failing to see the positve sides of your child is the teachers problem and she is wrong in making it yours. I agree a meeting with other teacher (they should both have been there in the first place). Register your disagreement , and disbelief strongly and I can almost guarantee the situation will change.

Any parent would have been upset.
Definitely shouldn't have seen other children's work.
Any good teacher should give positive aspects.
I would be worried about the teacher not your child.
I had 3 at school now I oversee my 4 grand children and do their homework.Two different schools, they have all worked at different levels and eventually catch up with each other.
Please don't worry it's amazing when they start to read write and excel.
What they do need is positive feedback and encouragement from the teacher. ❤️

Just ignore ‘em! He sounds fine; he can articulate, and has a friend. A health visitor once suggested my eldest needed speech therapy because he refused to talk to her (I wasn’t too keen either) and the first time he had to write his name at school he did it back-to-front. All the other pushy mums had been trying to teach their kids phonics, etc and I’d just concentrated on colours, numbers, the alphabet, wiping his own bottom, tying his shoe laces, as well as reading to him which, like your lad, he loved from being a baby. He went to Oxbridge.
Don’t sweat about it. With a loving and supportive home he’ll find his own level, whatever that is, and his own way.

There's nothing here that says he isn't happy...

Quick Google searches bring up information but also lots of reading over the years (ie Steve Biddulph's Raising Boy's) and conversations I have had with those involved in child development. Elements of my degree also touched on child development and the impact of the environment children are in.
As it isn't popular to raise questions about the length of time young children are away from their primary carer, research can be sketchier.

The preschool room was a misstep and is probably a prelude to what's happening at reception. Personally I wouldn't consider moving him yet as I don't see any red flags regarding the school (you obviously already knew about outcomes but even that is often due to a combination of things not necessarily bad teaching.
My gut feeling from what you've said is this... you've done everything great brain wise but he lacks the motor skills & practice. So he's frustrated his comprehension far outstrips his ability and socially probably the opposite he's used to adult discussions and more grown up TV so probably doesn't understand why the other kids don't. The other 'quiet' one maybe similar thinking before speaking.
It's good to get the other teachers perspective and I'm personally not a big fan of job share teaching unless they're in perfect harmony (rare) so it's perfectly possible next year will show a big improvement. When you talk to the other teacher I'd ask what she suggests for home and also ask what the school proposes to help him.
I think a school swap now would not be beneficial (just with the info on your OP)
👍good luck

Of course they would be upset. Why does any teacher need to upset any parent? I agree with all you say. Suspect said teacher might not be EYFS speciality too.

And moving schools is a big step because then you are a bitstuck if it all goes wrong again. Just try and give it a bit of time. X

Your ds really seems to be advanced as the language level is the sign of this but schools are assessing on more visual things like writing and reading.
Usually children do things when they find interests in doing it just like reading you can just say you can’t see very well what I written here and if your ds can help you reading some words, same for writing we used to do lots of cards for grands parents and friends at this age.

A bad teacher is a teacher who does not know your child friends and interests and focus only on weakness not progress. Also they shouldn’t mention this in front of your ds. Just for the last reason I would personally change school as this teacher will not help him develop that much and this year will be a lost year for him.

If he is silent at school he is not happy.

OMG - I don't think I have seen such a febrile thread and haven't read half of them. I've had 3 children, 2 with sen. It is perfectly natural to get emotional at anything that involves our children and I've certainly worried about mine. Let your DH arrange another meeting with the school, to discuss your concerns but please do not worry, unless your son is unhappy, not learning or not thriving. Please remember ALL children develop at different times and have different strengths and talents. If it's of any comfort, all of my boys are happy well adjusted adults and financially successful.