To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

I think it’s very easy to have wrong ideas about what’s developmentally appropriate. It feels good to have a preschooler who spends hours watching Attenborough documentaries and then holding forth afterwards, but what preschoolers really need is dough disco, fine motor skills and opportunities to develop peer interactions. But handing a kid some plasticine doesn’t give the warm and fuzzies in the same way as watching Planet Earth together.

And cut the teacher some slack. I’ve seen loads of other kids’ work, simply because the school have it on walls during the “meet the teacher” sessions. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to show another child’s work (without the name) to give you an idea of what is appropriate.

Here is a live example for you. In our year 7 cohort we have 16 kids who have come up with a reading age of 8 or under, not on the SEN reg but identified by teachers because they’re struggling to access the curriculum due to reading difficulties. All 16 have been through a reading intervention and of the 16 14 now have a reading age of 8-10 and have moved onto the next programme where we fully expect further progress and by the end of year 7 we will never see them again. If we had not put them in that intervention by the end of year 7 they would be struggling considerably and falling further behind. Their SEN would ultimately be due to lack of support and intervention.

The remaining 2 clearly have previously missed SEN and are now going on the reg and will have targeted support.

We also run a maths intervention - over 30 kids on this. Of the 30 3/4 have gaps in learning due to poor attendance. The remaining 1/4 have SEN and need significant support particularly with over learning. The 3/4 with the catch up to support gaps, if they improve attendance will be fine.

Early intervention isn’t just about supporting SEN and early identification is key to understanding if there is a need and how to support that child to close gaps. Gaps that can exist in every respect from social to cognitive. All of which I’ve covered elsewhere.

I know that wasn't aimed at me but if course it's going to take him time to adjust and settle in then soon enough the learning will happen. He's not going to magically settle in straight away and start reading and writing straight away it will just take time. A lot of children that are at nursery learn through play and identifying things like coat pegs through pictures and words and trying to write their names ect.

Year 7 is totally different from reception when children are still learning through play.

All things being equal, he'll be able to catch up, especially so with engaged and educated parents.

Moving schools will be a bad idea. He's struggling socially because the rest of the class made friends over a year ago and he needs to fit in. Moving schools will restart that clock.

Starting the essentials like reading and writing late doesn't mean disadvantage. Lots of educational movements like Steiner and Montessori actively discourage formal learning until later. That said, and you won't like this, anecdotal experience from my children going through school show thst children who start school exceeding expectations are generally thr ones who stay exceeding expectations throughout. Similarly those who start below expectations generally stay there.

So in your position I would be actively working to accelerate DS's learning - outside of school I mean. Because while he absolutely can catch up, it needs some focused attention to get there. That's why I said that you and DH being engaged and educated parents is a significant factor here.

It’s not though, the point is if there is a gap it makes a huge difference if that gap is supported early. It doesn’t matter what age. If a child has limited social opportunities supporting the gaps helps that child catch up and prevents social isolation as an example.

also to flag, they had those gaps in year 7 because they weren’t addressed in primary. The interventions we are having to use are primary based interventions. Secondaries should not be using them - their primary school should have done it.

As a secondary teacher though, she'll also be hyper aware of children who have been left behind (and it does get to a point where it's too late) due to lack of support in primary/middle school. Also as a teacher, I'm sure that it'll never get to that point with her child, because she'll recognise it and intervene.

Had the child been in year 3 or 4 then yes I would agree with you however there is a huge difference and when the child settles in the learning will come, the child has only been in a learning environment for 6 months and not much in nursery so it's a lot for the child to take in.

It can and often does take primary schools years to admit there is an issue (due to lack of funding) so parents have to advocate for their children.

I know all about the failings of the system and the lack of staff and resources but this child has not even been given the chance to settle in the environment.

Could be dyslexic? See what the other teacher says and then support where you can. I have a dyslexic son - he reads really well but can't spell for toffee and his writing was illegible when doing cursive. He's year 6 now and writes lovely now he doesn't have to do cursive. It's all trial and error with every kid on certain things

I’m afraid you’re wrong. Once a child is falling behind the quicker you put in place support the better. And I don’t mean within normal developmental time frames I mean behind. If you don’t the gap gets wider and wider. With social skills in particularly gaps lead to social isolation which leads to bigger gaps. The quicker you support the better.

I am not sure why people are so negative toward supporting children.

I’m a little shocked at what the teacher has said, e.g. “The other silent one.” Plus showing you other children’s work?! I’m also a teacher and children behave differently at school compared to at home. It’s a different environment and they’re in a class full of children. Maybe try to talk to the other teacher and consider your options. Please don’t worry about your son’s academic development though, as everyone develops different skills at different rates, and it sounds as though he’s doing just fine.

I don't think your child has SEND, I think he's been under socialised and not prepared for school by not being in pre-school.

Now, that's not a "bad" thing, some kids are quiet and some kids are and always will be social butterflies. Some prefer 1-2-1 play and don't adjust well to 30 kids easily. BUT he will get there!

He may always be the quiet child, that's okay!!!

Your idea that being able to sit through documentaries made you wrongly assume he was advanced. First time parents do this, we all think our kids are the best. But at this age, it's less about "learning" and knowledge gaining and more about can they hold a pencil, can they write their name, can they do up their zipper on their coat, can they tie their shoe laces, can they follow basic instructions, learn to be part of a "society" ie their class. Actual learning is done later. You're still very early days.

I have 3 kids. My first born was the quiet one, never wanted to engage, hid away with books and art supplies. She was behind her cohort academically but now she's 15 and top sets for everything and has a better social life than i do. My youngest prefers to keep just one close friend, and would happily sit with her nose in a science book all day. She has been tested and her intelligence is the top 10% of the country, so she's smart!! But socially, it's just not her cup of tea. Why bother with lots of friends when there is a book to read instead. My middle child, he's centre of attention. Average academically behind in some subjects, but lots of friends, loves a documentary especially a policing one. He's a sweetheart.

All were raised the same! Which shows, not only do kids change, grow and evolve, sometimes parents just need to hold the course, support our kids whether they are gifted or below average and I promise it will be okay in the end. You just need to find your new understanding of your son, from what you expected to what you need to accept.

I always joke with my 15yo (my others are 13 and 12 now) that she was the rehearsal but it's kinda true isn't it.

Nursery and pre-school aren’t the only way; my July born didn’t attend either as I knew she would struggle in the setting away from her family caregivers, and with no nursery or preschool attached to her intended school, couldn’t put her through it twice. Settling in was as difficult as anticipated, but she excelled academically. She did attend a group of some sort every day before she school age though. Are there any after school (outside school) groups he can attend to support socialisation? He might be shy. I would not move him, but I would speak to the other teacher. Keep doing what you are doing. It is hard to hear something you perceive as negative and it sounds like you are fully engaged and invested. He’s only little. As other pp’s have said, happiness is key so take stock again at Easter. Best wishes.

Unless the child is being neglected at home, it will always be better for them to be with a loving parent or caregiver one to one at home as opposed to preschool. It’s ridiculous to think children learn best from being stuck in one room with other children their age, as opposed to mimicking their parent at home and going out and socialising with people of all ages and just being immersed in every day life! The one thing that has always stuck out to me when I meet children in eyfs who have been to nursery and preschool, as opposed to being home with parents, is how much less articulate the children are. Their speech is often behind because they’ve been “conversing” with other toddlers as opposed to adults. And before someone says the teachers are adults; you cannot compare having one on one time with a child to one adult split between multiple children! It’s nonsense to think preschool is the holy grail. In terms of emotional development too, it’s miles more beneficial to be home with a parent.

From what you have said, he is just this - a little behind due to no pre-school. He will catch up, and with no SATs at the end of Y2 anymore, there’s no desperate hurry for that to happen.
That said, if his confidence is impacted by knowing/feeling that he is behind his classmates, he may disengage, so you and the school need to keep an eye on that. His ‘silence’ in class is a red flag for me, for example.

Good luck at your next meeting with the school. It’s great that you are a caring, engaged parent.

Sorry but you are putting too much focus on learning, Reception is supposed to be about fun and getting used to a school environment not who can write their name the neatest or already read.

i would be a little concerned if that indeed is how the teacher is speaking though saying “the other silent one” is not a very nice way to speak about 4-5 year olds and she should definitely NOT be focusing on what he can’t do so if maybe speak to her again but maybe also speak to the head about the way she talks about the kids.

He will of course get use to it and catch up with those that did go to preschool. Will just take him time to adjust they’ve a lot to get their little heads around, full days alone are exhausting, but there is the rules, routine, dinner times, play times, learning time and the socialising factor and getting us to teachers not just parents, family and family friends. X

My eldest 2 children had some prior socialisation before starting school, my youngest didn’t. That was quite noticeable when he started school nursery, even though he could read ( I honestly didn’t teach him!-somehow he taught himself!) when he got there and was on ‘proper’ reading books while his cohort were still on wordless books. He also had an amazing vocabulary and a great interest in science. What he couldn’t do was write well… hated it!… and this continued throughout his school years, mostly because he didn’t see the point!
School is very “swings and roundabouts” … nobody is good at everything, and I really think the OP needs to relax a bit!
All three of my kids made it to University, with very differing likes and abilities. ( youngest has dreadful handwriting , in my opinion, and STILL will not hold a pen/pencil correctly! ).

My friend who is a Reception teacher pleads with parents not to teach kids how to read or write, but how to go to the toilet, tie their own shoelaces (or practise), share toys etc.

don’t beat yourself up about playgroup, although I wouldn’t move him schools as that could make him retreat further.
Just try to socialise him where you can, and don’t worry about him being quiet - he could be an observer. You know he is chatty, it will come.

Your son choosing quieter friends could be a huge blessing in the future!

The whole children miss out if they don't go to nursery/preschool is a nonsense. (Whilst controversial) It can in fact be deeply damaging to children, their development and wellbeing. If it didn't suit your child, that is fine. Listening to their needs will give them such a strong foundation and they know you have their backs.

The child is only in reception and hasn't been to nursery this does not mean the child has send why do you keep trying to push the agenda?

My son's teacher said exactly that to me. She was reassuring me that my son wasn't behind as he didn't start already reading but he could tie his shoe laces, go to the toilet unaided, use a knife and fork etc.

The school has targets the government has told them they must meet. If that clashes with what's best for your child they will choose the government, not him.

It sounds like he was doing great at home. I'd be joining a few home ed groups and see if that's for you. You could also try a different school, but they're all under the same pressures and seem unable to say 'no that's not a good idea'. I guess that comes of being in an institution.