To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

In Reception, our school does a lot of the fine motor skills building interventions and some kids are taken out for Lego well into Year 2 in groups and love it. So I would ask about what they do in that regard.

Where does it say the op is a teacher?

I don’t have kids so I could be absolutely wrong. But he just sounds like he’s not used to that kind of environment yet. I remember being super chatty and creative as a kid around people I’m comfortable with but being a bit shut down in a situation I didn’t know. It doesn’t mean he will never get used to it though just needs a little time. I’m a little concerned that it may have been the opposite and he came in chatty and asking lots of questions but maybe got shut down because technically it wasn’t “appropriate” at that time. Again that’s just because he wouldn’t be used to a classroom setting but I’d hope the teachers would have been kind about it. Definitely work with him on his reading and writing, maybe make some relationships with other mums and organise play dates to help bring him out of his shell. Every kid is different, did you ask the school what they were doing to help him? From what I understand parents evening is for feedback for you and a chance for you to ask questions.

In one of her previous answers. She teaches secondary.

That sounds like a really unnecessarily negative parent's evening no wonder you're upset. They should really just focus on the positives at that age.
I've worked in reception classes as a TA for years and at the moment they are really pushing them even at this age to produce the best results, this will be even more apparent in a deprived area.
I feel it is a shame as they are just little children and mainly want to play and also learn most through play at this age.
He sounds like such a lovely boy and you are caring and lovely parents. Try to worry less about that teacher who sounds a bit strange and like she barely knows him. Hopefully next year he won't have a job share situation again. Maybe you can ask him to invite a couple of classmates round and get him to make some friends.

I think this teacher does not sound very professional or good and I usually am sympathetic to teachers. She has left you feeling your child is lacking and I especially dislike the silent comment. Teachers should be nurturing and trying to help him, is she making him feel like she has you . Did she say anything positive at all? Try and speak to the other job share teacher if you can get another appointment.

@Ritzybitzy You do seem to think all children develop at exactly the same rate and can do everything at the same time. It's a bit odd to be honest. I appreciate that there may be an issue and I'll see what the other teacher says but you sound absolutely convinced even though you've never met him. Plenty of people have posted to say their dc were like this in YR and went on to well and didn't have SEND - it does happen!

Yesterday, 09.52. 'I teach in a secondary school'

That is absolutely not what I’ve said, there are windows for typical development. Children walk between 10 months and 24 for example. Outside that and it’s a concern. I have said nothing at all that would suggest I think children develop at exactly the same rate, what I have said is if the teacher has said they’re behind - and that means they’re behind the typical window not within the parameters of what’s expected - this should be listened to.

I am aware re other posters saying their kids caught up but my guess is that they were supported to catch up within class because that is what early intervention does. It also helps establish gaps in learning or development that aren’t send. What does not help is dismissing concerns or deciding it’s fine based on no evidence.

i am sure as a teacher you’re aware that if one of your students was struggling and you flagging this and they posted here a load of people posting similar to “my kid was fine” would be far from helpful to you or the child.

Also - to repeat because this is important - early help never disadvantages children. Ignoring issues has the potential to harm.

I think this is a first-born rookie mistake. We all make them, just about different things. But you've now learnt the value in those 15h of nursery for 3-4 year olds. Ideally in a nursery that is part of a primary school (so staffed by qualified EYFS teachers, not minimum wage staff in private nurseries.

Pleased to note your second-born is going to nursery. It's hard to explain until you've done it, but in 3 years time you'll realise the value in the nursery place, through the eyes of your second child.

Don't beat yourself up @Nant90, all parents are learning as we go along. Your first born will catch up, it's still early days.

Not going to preschool is equivalent to Elective Home Education - a perfectly reasonable choice for a parent to make but no academic is going to advise it.

My apologies, I missed that part, even still there's an big difference between teaching high school and primary school children and the op will be aware that different children develop at different rates and if there is any underlying problems they will be picked up by staff.

They literally have been picked up by a teacher!

The teacher has not given him much of a chance, he's only in reception.

We're in Scotland. I had a similar experience to you @Nant90 at my daughter's P2 (Primary 2) parents evening. It was an onslaught of negativity, this teacher had essentially written my daughter off at 6yo! I DID move her, partly because we'd moved house (though I had initially planned to keep her in her original school), and her new school (where she stayed from the final term of P2 to P7) was much better. It wasn't outstanding, but she was very happy and stayed on track. She is now in S3 (high school) and is doing incredibly well - certificates, prizes, commendations. Her parents evenings border on embarrassing 😂 given how much her teachers gush about her! So... keep the faith, and go with your gut.

@littlehangleton Thank you for the encouragement, but I find your post a bit scary really. Shouldn't we be saying school starts at 3 then and anyone, like me, who wants to maximise time with their dc before school starts is doing something on a par with home schooling? I find that shocking really.

I think you're getting a lot of unfair bashing on this thread OP. I think probably the phrasing around low outcomes / deprived area was slightly off and people have leapt on it. But I do see what you were trying to say.
I had DD when my DS was 3, and he had 1 year left of nursery (he's a July baby) before starting school. I could have kept him home with me or reduced his nursery days but I chose to continue sending him 4 days a week. Partly because it took him a really long time to settle at nursery and I didn't want to undo all that. I do regret not moving him from nursery to the school's preschool, a lot of friendships were formed in that year, which meant that by the time DS started there were cliques, and he's quite introverted so struggled to make friends in reception initially. But we partly kept him at nursery because we needed longer childcare hours than preschool for the final 3 months because I went back to work in June, and I didn't want to lose his place. He mostly enjoyed nursery but he certainly enjoyed being at home more, however because of his introverted nature I felt it was important to keep him there, to prepare him for school.
So I do think you might have been better keeping your DS1 at preschool, and persevering with his feelings about it but hindsight is always 20/20.
In terms of the teacher, her words appear to be unkind. All I can say is, maybe she's not a "great" teacher. In any profession you will get a range of good and poor performance, for all you know she might be under review. So do speak to the head and make it clear how her words made you feel. Have you asked DS1 how much time that teacher spends with him? In a class of 30 for just 2 days a week I wouldn't be surprised if her direct interactions with your DS are pretty minimal. I'm sure when you consult the other teacher she will have more insight.

I disagree. He may be completely overwhelmed in the setting and not demonstrating what he can do, especially when he has been used to a calmer quieter environment.

OP I would definitely speak with the other teacher. Maybe consider a school move too.

Early identification and early intervention is key.

It's the reality, in my view anyway. You just didn't realise.

(To qualify my view: Mum of four, age range 10y-20y, and Secondary Assistant Headteacher.)

Surely you realise that choosing not to send your child to nursery is therefore a form of home education. Early Years Education is learning through play. You and your DH chose that your child would learn better though play and experiences at home. You've now learnt that you haven't been able to replicate the learning-thro-play environment a preschool offers. Your child did other learning, in the same was EHE children do other learning. Very different to school based learning tho.

Early identification is the key if a child has Sen but you seem to keep pushing the Sen agenda when in fact the child maybe perfectly neuro typical.

I think you are massively overthinking / overreacting here.
All four of my children developed at different rates.
Your son sounds a lot like my second child. She attended nursery two afternoons a week, never socialised with anybody, always played alone, didn't respond if teachers spoke to her.
She started full time in reception, she was very good with numbers but struggled massively with reading/writing. Covid happened in the middle of her Reception year. Reading (phonics) didn't click for her until the start of Year 1. She was (and still is) quiet and shy, very sensitive, didn't do much mixing.
She's in year 5 now and I can't see that aspect of her introverted personality changing, BUT she is working at "greater depth" in every subject, she is exceptionally bright. She has been a "free reader" - meaning she has flown through all of the school books and can choose anything from the library - since the start of year 4. She is an avid reader both at school and at home.
She still struggles socially and has one, maybe two at a push, good friend(s).
Please don't worry so much about your boy. Definitely speak to the other teacher. I'll be honest, some of my kids teachers have been nicer than others - it's a mixed bag. You, and your son, might gel more with the second teacher than the first one. I will say it's highly unusual for a teacher to give all negative feedback at parents evening - they normally focus on the positives. You are your son's biggest advocate of course, and it's hard not to take it to heart when they suggest you are doing something wrong or not doing enough.
I've never focused on the academic side of things, all I ever want is my children to be happy - they all have different strengths.

I just want to say here you’ve had a lot of violin type ‘poor child, poor child’ comments.

I have been thinking the opposite actually, I’ve been thinking what a lucky child. You clearly adore him.

When I had my DD, DS was two and a half and I kept him at nursery three days a week not for his perceived benefit but for my sanity! I think there’s a lot on here about how children don’t need nursery and I think a good nursery school is a great thing but I also think time with a parent who values and loves her child is a great blessing.

I think the teachers ‘chosen’ words were very tactless and thoughtless.

Im a stay at home mum have been for all 7 of my children. But they did go to preschool, some afternoons (2.5hrs sessions) from age of 3. Depending on location and availability some went to an independent a local preschool and some went to the preschool attached to the primary school. The reason I personally think attending preschool can be an advantage for children socially is NOT because as parents they are being ‘held’ back it’s that it gets them to slowly gain independence and interact socially with their peers in a preschool/school setting. It is different environment than toddler groups and being at home and play dates. Some children are naturally shy in certain settings even when with parents etc they aren’t so. He has only been at school since September and also assuming full days it’s exhausting for them and it’s all still new.

It’s actually key regardless as it can stop barriers becoming a SEN. Early intervention does close gaps.

So @littlehangleton or anyone else who is in a position to comment knowledgeably, can you see a difference between children who did and didn't go to preschool years later? I can see how ds may be struggling to adjust now because he didn't have the preschool experience, but surely this isn't going to last for years and he will catch up, assuming no other factors are at play?