To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Again.
The OP said she was letting him down.
I was pushing back against that assertion.

I wonder if he was in any playgroups etc before starting school? This is a big shock for him - he has individual attention at home all the time to talk about his interests, and now he has to mix with a load of other children, share a teacher, and learn to talk about the things they introduce. It's going to take a while.
Introduce some little reading and writing jobs for him - take turns reading each page, learn to write his name so his pictures at school are given to him etc. Maybe next time you look something up he could write some words about it to show his teacher?
The teacher should not have compared your child with others, or shown you other children's work. It is also her job to help him to read and write (former reception teacher here!).
Have a meeting with the other teacher, tell them you're concerned and ask how you can work together to support your child to flourish x

I think not having him in any pre-school setting was a mistake, but he’s still so young he’ll turn it around. He just needs a bit more support to get there.

My DD starts school next year and started pre-school last term and she is thriving there (previously in a nursery where she didn’t thrive as well). It was the best decision. I’m currently on maternity leave for her DB but she still goes three days a week as it’s good for her and she will be so ready for school next year. We still have our days in the week and after pre-school to do things together. Just remember this for your next child. The amount they learn at pre-school before starting school is phenomenal. Writing especially, I’m amazed at how much she knows, and will continue to learn, before starting school.

make sure you work with the teachers and see if there is anything you can do to help him. Definitely don’t move him, that’ll just unsettle him more. Best of luck.

I've not read all the comments...

My son didn't go to any nursery or pre school.
He went to primary and was quiet- he was taking it all in! The kids who were in nursery before knew each other and were confident and loud.
He couldn't read or write.

He settled, found friends,....and is now off to Oxford University.

Having been home until he was 5 didn't hold back his progress or hinder his intelligence one bit. I did it because I think it is the right thing to do. I believe your child is taking in the bustle and noise and he will find his feet.

His intelligence is not shown at 5. You should like wonderful involved and caring parents. Keep being you and trust your instincts. Don't listen too much to random on the Internet xx

Sorry to hear your ds is finding reception hard. My comments as a speech and language therapist would be - a child/person can be bright but still find education tough. Intelligence isn’t just about academics or reading/ writing. It’s just tricky as that’s often how things are judged and is largely the focus of those early school years.
It sounds like it was a tricky parents evening for you. I would be asking more about your ds being ‘silent’. What does that mean? Does he not speak at all in school? If he talks a lot out of school and not in school then this needs addressing and possibly a referral to SaLT.

We had a parents evening recently, same age and I was told my little one wasn’t really ready for formal learning yet, doesn’t want to engage with writing, phonics etc
His teacher went on to say about all the amazing things he does though from being really kind, a great friend, amazing imagination and absolutely loves the outside provision in all weathers and small world role play. He loves crafting and uses clay etc at home and at school to build up his finger strength.
I think if he had been our first I would (and did with our first summer born baby) really worry and blame myself for all the things they struggled with and I wish someone had told me then that they all catch up at some point, our eldest (now a teenager) is on the top half of all his subjects but was exactly the same as our little one at the same age.
My oldest ones didn’t attend nursery until preschool, that was a little bit of a mistake in hindsight for our eldest as he did struggle socially at school despite me taking him to music classes, sensory play, playgroups etc however we did the same with our next one and he was a social butterfly with tons of friends (still is one of the popular kids in his class) purely because of his personality type.
Our little one has been attending childcare setting since he was 11 months old which I think gave him some great tools, because otherwise he would have been exactly like our eldest.
it’s definitely a good idea to meet the other teacher, and I agree children shouldn’t keep moving around, however a close friend was in a similar situation and moved her child towards the end of reception as the child had struggled to make friends and wasn’t really behaving as they did at home.
They were able to send them to a private school (no other state school in catchment) as the fees weren’t much more expensive then what they had been used to paying for nursery. The smaller class size and less hustle and bustle did hers the world of good and they thrived, and still are thriving in all aspects.
Its natural to worry as a parent, my resilience has grown with each school journey our children have made but sending your first child to school can be so worrying especially if you know they aren’t being themselves there.

@Nant90 you say the teacher asked if you have the TV up. This is a classic question EYFS teachers ask to explore if there may be a hearing issue. It sounds like the teacher was tactless, but they're asking you relevant questions about his background in order to understand whether there is a need or whether it is a parenting issue. This is much more relevant in EYFS than at secondary.

Sorry that the parents evening wasn't a positive experience, but don't feel down. Your son sounds great, but quiet in big social settings at this age. That's not going to lead to long term failure.

I haven’t read all the posts but my first thought is move him to a school where they have an actual phonics programme and provide books connected to that. I’m a TA (in KS1) and schools shouldn’t be using Biff and Chip books as they are not phonetically decodeable. Which makes me think he isn’t being taught phonics correctly and will therefore be struggling. I would assume the other children who attended pre school have got some reading knowledge already, maybe they have already been taught to sight read (which is totally wrong btw) so it’s not such an issue for them.
I would ask for a meeting, establish which phonic scheme they are using and go from there. I literally spend my entire day teaching refugee children who have arrived in the country to read with no English at all and some with quite significant SEN. The school is failing him if they cannot do this. I suspect they aren’t following a phonic programme.

Its never a mistake to keep your child out of preschool /nursery and to have more time with you, reading and writing at 4/5 is not what we should aim for. All children will be able to read and write at some point. The issue here is the teacher.

“All children will be able to read and write at some point” is fundamentally not true and hugely over simplifying the situation.

Sorry, maybe this question has already been asked.

"When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' "

Your DS was there during this meeting?

I would like to PM you.

How are you teaching children to read who can’t do phonics?

Schools can get things very wrong. One of our DC had a nursery teacher who completely missed the point and spoke another language to them! She told me at the mid year parent teacher meeting that our DC was just beginning to speak - a DC who spoke fluently at home! Lunacy.

Nothing wrong with simplifying things! It is true for an enormous majority, there is no need to start formal education for our children as early as we do in England, and no reason for children to attend any setting before reception unless its a parental preference or requirement.

I’ve had good and awful parents evenings over the years. As op is a teacher surely she knows schools are massively underfunded and teachers in general are hanging on by a thread and good ones are hard to find. Providing the kind of 121 adult engagement her ds is used to isn’t going to happen and with one teacher’s wage supporting a family of four, options to move to private with a lower adult/child ratio may be limited.

I would use your teaching skill op to help your son with his reading and writing, lots of people have shared resources with you. I taught my dd to read and we helped her with her writing as her reception and y1 teachers were off sick most of the time, the supply cover was variable and I was told that she couldn’t recognise simple cvc words like ‘cat’ after two terms in reception. Eventually we moved school but once we made the decision she was moved to the top table for everything 😁 If your dh is a sahd what’s he doing to support your ds?

Be grateful and happy that the teacher opened your eyes. In my dc school we were assured 'everything is perfect, how wonderful', whilst it was not.

The majority will learn to read but that doesn’t mean they’ve reached age appropriate standards or that they aren’t disadvantaged by weak reading. 1/5 students are eligible for extra time in their formal exams because their processing ability impacts their ability to read / comprehend / formulate answers. It isn’t a case of can or cannot read.

My advice on this is to take it in good humour and build a rapport with the teacher. It's a hard lesson to learn that although our children are the centre of our universes they aren't the centre of everyone elses. It's only a reception report after all. The best thing you can do for your son is let him have consistency in his environment. Building up resilience and getting used to the environment he's in is the best thing you can do for him. Keep him where he is he needs to put down roots there. Youre being a bit neurotic and putting your own feelings and whims first which isn't in his best interests.

Did you actually read my post? That’s not what I said at all. We follow a very specific Phonics programme. All schools in the U.K. should follow a similar programme, it’s one of the things which Ofsted look at. However if the OP’s school are giving out Biff and Chip books, they are not phonetically decodeable so I suspect they are not using a phonic programme.
I teach children to read by using phonics. I never said they can’t do phonics. Every child (with a few specific exceptions) should be able to read using phonics, we start at the very beginning and go from there. No school should be giving out Biff and Chip books as unless they have been taught to sight read they won’t be able to read them. For example in one of the early reception Biff and Chip books there are words with split digraphs in, they aren’t taught that until phase 5.

Your boy sounds very shut down at school. The "silent one" comment would worry me too. No wonder he's not thriving socially or academically if he is so shut down - I would say it is much more about the setting than your ds. Sounds like he needs a smaller, more nurturing environment with a teacher who actually likes him. Sad to say it doesn't sound like this one does. I don't think you're overreacting at all.

Did you read my question? I am asking how you teach the kids who can’t do phonics. Because there are kids who struggle with phonological processing and can’t learn that way, so I’m asking what you do for them?

Please remember that he's 4/5, which is still very young and children develop in different areas at different ages, which is all absolutely normal.

I had a similar experience at the first teacher's evening. They were saying she's a bit behind on this, that and the other. Wasn't surprised by her social struggles as she was almost deaf as a toddler with terrible glue ear. Anyway, a year later she's now in year 1 and is in the highest group for phonics and is advanced in maths. Turns out they've discovered she only does it properly when she can concentrate and she's in the mood to do it. And now she is growing in confidence, she's still one of the quiet, shy children but she's making friends...unfortunately with all naughty boys...so be careful what you wish for.

The first year for some children is about adjusting to school and that's okay. We place far too high expectations on very small children in this country. And I say this as someone who has a degree in Early Childhood Studies.

I personally wouldn't move schools. Give him time to adjust. Some teachers are better than others as well at addressing things. See how you feel in a year or two.

Don't move the child please, had you kept him in nursery it would have been better but you didn't, your not giving him time to settle and make friends and as for the academic stuff he will go at his own rate.

In what way is it helpful to berate the OP in this way (ie for something that she did in the best faith at the time, and now has no way of changing)? Do you have shares in a chain of pre-schools or something?

Well, if true (at my son's school, you have to be reassessed for dyslexia, dyspraxia, etc, before GCSEs and slow processing speed does not qualify for extra time) It is evident that starting education/preschool/nursery early isn't the determining factor in this outcome and wealth is a huge factor which the OP has been berated about mentioning https://ifs.org.uk/articles/uk-education-system-preserves-inequality-new-report
So, I'm unsure what your point is in this thread.