To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Poor child, you took him out of preschool for some reason, and now you want to take him out of school because you’re not happy. By the sounds of it your DS hasn’t been given a chance, these things take time. You’re setting him up to be a socially awkward child. Schools and nursery’s have milestones that kids have to reach and they aren’t things like do they enjoy a book or do they play with long term friends, or even do they talk at home. You can not just run at the first hurdle it’s not good parenting going forward in bringing up a well balanced adult.

I totally agree with @GoodGollyMissDolly , I never taught reception but I had senior infants years ago.. he's only four, that's so little still so stop panicking but definitely yes meet the other teacher, maybe the changing of teachers is unsettling, I know at that age the little mites can get really attached to "their" teachers, even some of the older ones tbh

Anyway best of luck

It sounds like your big problem is anxiety. Definitely don't keep moving him just because you are uncomfortable. If the problem this time really is an unsympathetic teacher it won't last long as there will be a new one next year. I have 2 kids and volunteer in a school so from my experience I can say your child is within the normal range. He has been working on some things and not others. We can't expect our children to be ahead of the others in everything, and have to support them without pushing them too much. I've never seen a teacher point out what a child can't do, as you have said. This one is either highly unusual and offensive, or else you have imagined a fair bit of it due to anxiety, which I believe you have in spades. It is working against you and best to work on it and get it under control.

I think you have severe comprehension problems.
Where did the op say that? Stop derailing the thread and taking out your frustrations on a worried mum and a little boy who is struggling. For the record the teacher sounds dire and I would really take her to task on the inappropriate language she used - at least to protect other kids.

I was referring to the comment that said op would be ok with her kid being behind in a non deprived school

Of course he'll be behind - you took him out of preschool! What did you expect would happen?
Literally from February half term onwards on preschool they get them ready for school. Start learning phonics, they start learning to write their names etc.
From day one of preschool they are learning to recognise their name, and start to build up their fine motor skills.
It seems like he's your PFB and if he doesn't want to do something then he doesn't have to.
And be honest you thought he was a boy genius!

The teachers approach sounds poor, comparing to others work and not being specific with concerns. Talking to the other teacher will hopefully help get some ideas on exactly what the issues are and what is needed, I wouldn’t pull him out and disrupt things yet, not unless you’re sure he’s not being supported.
At preschool one of the things they focus on is helping them write their name, if I were you I’d work on that at home and letter, number formation.

You sound similar to me, but I’m a few years on with our journey. My son clung to me like a koala at 2.5 at preschool drop off. He was hysterical. We tried again at 3 and he was happy. It was a very nurturing , small preschool.

He started school nursery in a group of 8, but never loved it. As the year went on, the group grew and some sessions had about 20. He hated it and didn’t want to go. We persevered. He started reception at the same school in a double form intake. It was awful. By Easter, we had complete shutdowns and unable to get him in. (I’m going to completely ignore any parent who questions why you can’t get a 5 year old into school - you’ve clearly never experienced this properly or are happy to ignore a child physically kicking and hitting you if you try to carry them in. We wouldn’t allow that of an adult. )

For a mix of reasons, we did move him to a smaller setting and he seemed ok, but we later found out he would hide from them.

He IS a bright boy. His older brother is off the scale intelligent, but he is bright. He also struggled massively with reading and writing. If that’s what you’re basing a child’s intelligence on, he would have failed. If you talk to him about different topics, he is bright. But this was not transferring at all to the classroom environment.

His school clearly believed I was a deluded parent who couldn’t believe my son wasn’t as capable as I thought.

We had him assessed by EP, OT and SALT, who all confirmed what we saw. We took the LA to tribunal for his EHCP. They were desperate to crow-bar him into one of their schools for children with MLD. We won a fully funded place at a local independent mainstream, who could clearly see his aptitude in the right environment, a class of 12. He was working below across the board at his old school and is now exceeding in maths.

He is autistic, speech delay, has significant auditory processing difficulties and fine and gross motor difficulties. He still can’t write but we’re working on that. He’s turned a corner with his reading and is flying through the levels. If you assess him based on his writing only, he’s working below reception level and then some. Fortunately, his new school see him and his capabilities in other areas.

we are all experts in our own fields, but a different field and we could be deemed ‘thick’.

Go with your gut.

Hi, I am at times (less constantly than before) concerned about my 5yo boy and girl twins development. We do Reading Eggs for additional phonics, spelling and maths practice at home, I really like it, a number of mums at my school do it too, try it out! Also I try to get them in after school clubs that improve their social skills - football, theatre or dancing.

Why did you start the post with are you letting him down? What parent sets out to let their child down ?

I am totally not a complain about the teachers person but the comment about do you have the TV up loud at home would have been met with an incredulous stare from me.

He’s 4 poor little guy to have this level of scrutiny overall. Drives me mad.

I’m sure in a few months everything will be different.

You mentioned that you wanted to have that time with him when he should have been in pre school. That benefits you not him. You cannot keep removing him from places when the going gets tough it is not going to do him any favours in the long run. My son has always liked documentaries and scientific stuff and also goes to a school in a deprived area and i would say we are in a much better position than a lot of the parents at that school too but doesn't mean these parents don't care either. I still sat with my child and had workbooks that you get from home bargains or whatever that you practice writing in and when he didn't want to we would take a break and we would try again the next day. I'm not going to force him but I'm also not going to give up just because he doesn't want to do something either there are plenty of things in life we have to do when we don't want to and just letting him off with not doing stuff is not going to benefit him either.

This! My daughter is the same. She is at a small private school with 1 form and classes of 10-14. She still struggles but she is meeting expectations. She is reading secondary school books and her English and math are ok. She is doing great in drama, singing and dancing. The school has loads of exta curriculum which she loves. I am lucky we can afford it, but had I left her in a state school she would have been bottom of the class, silent and very much introvert. Reality is main strain education does not fit everybody even if you are not SEN.
It might be that the big setting with a large class is really not suitable for your kid and he is not learning as he could. I would support him with a tutor one or twice a week to make sure he learns the love of learning and he gets to expected level and then go from there.

@Ritzybitzy The OP clearly meant that children from disadvantaged homes are less likely to have access to reading and learning materials at home. This isn’t being snobby, it’s just a fact. Not all kids , not all homes but in general.

Hi OP,

I would be feeling very upset about this too. The teachers approach doesn’t sound child centred to me.

I would request a follow up meeting with both his teaching staff and speak to the deputy head/head as well to express some concerns over the way information was presented to you. I work in school and do assessments with children for learning and other things, and I am really disappointments that someone thought it was ok to show you other 4y/olds work to compare and illustrate to you how badly they are doing. How is that supportive for helpful. She clearl6 doesn’t know who your son spends time with to have to ask him their names (not that she necessarily should really). I would share with the head that I left feeling accused of ‘watching too much tv’ or ‘not supporting my child’, which has been very upsetting given it’s not how you choose to parent at all at home, and that the teacher who spoke with you probably needs a bit of support in how she speaks about or approaches things with parents, which is ok- it might be that she hasn’t had many of those conversations before.

In the shared meeting I would want to know exactly what they think is the problem plus what their plans are to support him, and I would be making it very clear that there are big differences being observed between home and school, and asking why they believe this might be happening.

Moving him around will probably make him feel quite anxious if you believe he can be happy in his current setting I think you should stay there but invite further communication.

I’m Irish and have experienced the school environment in both countries and the pressure put on parents and children in the Uk, from a very young age is completely insane.
It was one of my main reasons for moving home. I hated the pressure

OP so long as he's happy I'd keep him there. He doesn't need any more disruption right now.

I agree with the posters who are saying that they would focus on building his social skills. Get him involved in team sports like football or rugby, it gives them such confidence that lasts through life. Teaching him to swim is another thing that you should be looking into as pools are big noisy places and you will want him to be used to this when school swimming lessons start. There's a lot of kudos in being the fastest swimmer, or runner.

Sadly being able to discuss Attenborough documentaries isn't going to be seen as cool by most of his classmates (or even his teachers) and not being cool can really affect a kids confidence.

Re writing, I think you need to start with the basics. you can buy books where you can begin to trace around shapes and letters. Start with tracing his hand and everyday objects. Cut out the shapes to practise with scissors. Get him chalk pens to write on the windows.
With art, make sure he has easy access to art supplies, we always had a little table and chairs set up with a box of craft supplies, poster paints etc on it. Don't just paint pictures, get him involved in modelling with clay or salt dough then painting his creations.There's a million ideas online.

Keep an eye on him refusing to do things (like reading) my DD has pathological demand avoidance and we had to get very creative about how we sold activities to her, ie not make it look like a learning task.
Have a look at Dr Naomi Fisher on Facebook, she is absolutely amazing.

Finally, never underestimate kids from deprived areas. I know many who have confidence in spades and run rings round "posher" kids.

I think he will likely settle by the end of the year, it's his first real experience of the school setting if he has not attend the nursery. Definitely meet with the other teacher. The first one doesn't sound very nice. She could have put this to you in a more constructive way.

You can practice the writing with him at home, just do short bursts of 5-10 mins with a reward after. Focus on the letters of his name first. Encourage as much colouring or drawing as possible as it really helps with pencil control.

I have a DD4 (5 in a few weeks). Although she could write her name from 3 I have seen a huge improvement in her letter formation in just the last few weeks so it may be he is coming to a big leap in improvement.

There is also an app called reading eggs that does phonics and reading (schools use it). I do this with DD a few times a month and I think it's also helped cement what she's learnt in school and she enjoys it.

You sound like a lovely mum. All children progress at different times. For example DD is absolutely no where near riding a bike without stabilisers when many other children her age can x

I was pushing back on the OPs assertion in her final paragraph that she was letting him down, questioning it!

BTW No parent sets out to let their child down, but it is possible for us to do it accidentally.

Definitely consider moving schools if you’re not happy with the way he’s settling in. It doesn’t matter what folk on here think, he’s your child and you’re his advocate.

We moved to Ireland from UK when DS was 5 as we’d planned to do this anyway at some point but I didn’t think he was benefitting from being in a big reception class in the UK. We lived in a very middle class area with ‘good’ schools but I think 30 kids in a classroom is just too big for some kids to cope with.

We moved to a rural area with a small village school and DS thrived there. There were only 6 boys and 8 girls in his class and they all got on well together. Despite knowing no-one when we moved here, he soon become confident and happy at school.

That is not what I said 😂

Which I have said elsewhere and suggested this explains when in context of the demographic it makes sense that she was asked about pencils.

Here is the thing though, as I’ve said, behind us behind. Why does it matter if you’re behind disadvantaged or advantaged kids. It’s not that being behind disadvantaged kids makes you more behind.

Of course we make mistakes as parents but are you letting him down is not the way to get to this...

Why?
He's not talking at school and potentially not listening - the teacher isn't at home with them so needs to find out about his home life.

It's this incredulous attitude I don't get though... Because op has made NUMEROUS comments about her opinion on most of the families in the school - the school that they are in catchment for. A "deprived" area with "disadvantaged children" where the op herself believes that while SOME parents will be involved, many will "not be engaged or have the capacity of resources" to be.

This is the first parents evening. The teachers do not know the families well yet. Her son is struggling with reading, writing/drawing and socialising. None of these is the end of the world, it's the first half of reception, they're all settling in and some will find some things easier than others etc. But the teacher has asked about the home environment to gage the situation. Probably because, as backed up by the ops own comments, some households in this area may not have pens and paper, some kids may be on screens while parents work to save money on childcare etc.

But op is offended that they asked. That they didn't automatically know HER child went to museums and goes to stage school. She went in to that meeting expecting to be told he was amazing (because let's face it most of us want to hear that) and has been knocked by the reality of how he's actually doing, in the school environment, the environment the teacher sees him in.

And from her comments, a big part of that disappointment is rooted in her assumption that he'd be doing better than these other kids who have, apparently, all started on the back foot of "deprivation" compared to her son.