To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

hey i feel your frustration! but i think now the curriculum wants kids doing phonics and writing their names from nursery! whatever it is, he will catch up with the right support at home! i’m not sure pulling him out of the setting is right though? he’s going to take time to settle wherever he goes before coming out of his shell! If you find another setting that you are happy with, just push through! And lower your expectations because these will add pressure on him! it seems this school has let you down and not him! maybe look well for another and push through. treating your child as special or gifted spells trouble for you and him - even if he is truly bright - because eventually there will always be someone brighter- so if his whole identity if based on being the special / advanced one, he will find life difficult.

Maybe that's the problem husband the stay at home dad is unbothered ... What exactly did he do to socialise and engage the child when you were working

You said you did things with him where you parade his excellence around but youbdont really knows his abilities at all

Free school meals and pupil premium are crude demographics but they are used in allocating funding to schools because it is recognised that poverty is a huge barrier to academic achievement.

There is an outstanding primary school in an area of our city that’s renowned for deprivation. A famous case arising from it happened about twelve years ago. I have no doubt the teachers work absolutely tirelessly and are brilliant at what they do. I still wouldn’t send my children there because what they do is brilliant, just not for my children.

We all make decisions like that every day for our children and we shouldn’t have to run the MN gauntlet for acknowledging that poverty exists, that it does affect just about every area of someone’s life - from physical and mental health to addiction and crime and yes child rearing.

So to go back to the OP - I would be very concerned. It’s fine for me to be told my children aren’t perfect but I’d expect this to be done factually and professionally. I don’t expect rabid adoration of my child but I also don’t expect dismissiveness and rudeness.

Omg why are you panicking. It is early days! The first year will be tricky and he will catch up. Yes he sounds great aaaaaand the setting might be putting him off. The teacher is wrong. Some children do not flourish in a school setting at all. And they may be doing better it home.

We are going to home school DC, NY DS1 is 3 and he is very advanced for his age. Healthcare professionals always refer to him as a mature and ahead of his years, 3 year old. I only have DNs to comoare to and they are very bright. He also doesnt watch TV. Loves books, knows his alphabet and numbers can identity and read Alaphabet and number and started to write some letters. I don't want a school to meas him to. He socalises well with adukts and he struggles with kids gis ahe as they sent speak as he does. He has an advanced vocab and expresses himself much older then his years so he doesn't bother with them. He does play with DS2 who is a baby wnd his DCs who are agee 6-10 he just prefers mature interaction. And I know he won't flourish at a school with kids not at his level in maturity. You know your son best.

I think the teacher was very wrong and unprofessional to first of all show you other children’s work, and secondly the “silent one” comment. She was either having a bad day, or she shouldn’t be teaching kids that age. Plenty of teachers are really unprofessional looking at you SIL who refers to DC with SEN as “the crazy kids”.

My DC’s school and teachers aren’t perfect but parents’ evening is about them, no other children. Their teachers wouldn’t dream of showing or mentioning another child’s work.

However. You are where you are. Your DH is completely right, meet the other teacher. Make notes to take in beforehand and be reasonable but clear about what it is you want to know, and then what strategies you would like school to try to support DS.

I do agree with a PP that your DS is showing some signs of ASD, or perhaps DCD (Dyspraxia)? My eldest has DCD and would never want to write, colour and draw before reception, although he could write his name (poorly) once he’d started. Have you noticed anything about your DS’ hand strength? My DS rode his bike really early age 3 and was a Lego whizz so I assumed no DCD, but he had a motor exam when he was 7 and actually scored very poorly. DC2 definitely doesn’t have it and the difference in the willingness/desire to colour, draw, write is huge.

It sounds like your son is autistic.

It really doesn’t. Based on what? I wish posters wouldn’t do this, it’s making autism completely meaningless .

Sometimes teachers are just rude and sometimes parents don’t know what the child should be doing so I don’t know if you’re being unreasonable or not.
I would say that children don’t play with others generally at pre school they play themselves alongside others, but one day a week isn’t enough for relationships to build with other kids or teachers perhaps that’s why he wasn’t happy.
get some little books from Amazon and practice writing with him and give him at least until the summer to settle, if you keep moving him he will not get the chance to settle and make friends, some kids have been in nursery settings since age 1 and are well used to the school setting which is so new to your little on.

Your attitude towards his classmates is disgusting

How dare you assume that because the area is one of "social deprecation" only a handful of parents care about their children

You sit here moaning that the teacher compared your "incredible articulate amazing child who can blend sounds" when all you are doing is comparing and trying to make your child who's not as great as you thought sound better

And Franky if you were my child's teacher I would not be pleased if you brought this attitude racism and classism in to the room you were teaching my children in "expert" in your subject or not 😂😂

If it’s a class of 30+ children and the teacher is there just two days pw, how well does she/he know your son anyway? Your son sounds as if he’s doing well when you describe him outside school. Maybe you just got unlucky with this particular teacher, who sounds rather harsh considering your son is only in reception.

Ok, I say this in the nicest possible way…..you say he is advanced for his age. That is your opinion and your take on it from the children you have been around and in your experience. The teacher has pointed out to you he isn’t as advanced as you believed in what seems to be in other areas you did not discuss, as in letter forming and writing. The teacher highlighted their concerns from the work he is providing and their observations in school. It’s honestly no biggy. Also try and bear in mind, everything you described that led you to believe he was more advanced than his peers was not socially. Now like you said he attend a nursery one day a week and the rest of the time he was at home with yourself or your husband, he will be socially comfortable with you guys but he hasn’t really had the experience around children and socially in that aspect. So yes he may be chatty and interact in his home environment but it will take time in school. You also said he found moving up to the preschool room difficult which indicates socially he takes time to adjust and feel comfortable which is normal depending on personalities. So what the teacher has pointed out actually fits into what you have said. Another point is, you have known your child since the day they came into the world, the teacher has only known them for 6 months, she’s getting to know roughly 23+ children in the class. It’s your first parents evening. What were you exactly expecting?!

you need to chill, moving then based on first parents evening after being in a school setting in my opinion is rather daft, especially when they seem to be rather shy and quiet in their new setting into school life. Moving schools what do you hope to achieve?! Cos he will take another 6months making friends getting use to the new setting etc

My son is also in reception and great with maths and science but really struggles with literacy. He also loves stories and books being read to him but cannot do phonics for the life of him, even after additional classes I took him to for a year. The way we teach reading now in schools doesnt work for everyone. Mine doesnt play with others much, he will play with kids he has known a long time and older kids, but not 'new' children or kids the same age.
Our school is amazing and let him develop at his own rate, he is now drawing and painting beutifully and has just started to write his own name and build up his confidence there.
My son is autistic, I am not saying yours is at all, but school should defo be supporting.

I've got a couple of ND Kids, and I could be completely wrong but could it be dyslexia? Would explain the great verbal ability but avoidant reading & writing behaviours. Biff & Chip is grim as so you have my sympathies there 😄. My dyslexic DD loved reading to her own speed and that routine based reading of crap books completely destroyed any interest she had in reading as she was constantly made to feel she couldn't keep up with the others, etc.

It's so hard for dyslexic kids as they feel stupid and like they can't do the basics so that can often lead to spiky (i.e. unusual pattern behaviour) so stuff like being quiet or not having confidence around other kids could be an outcome.

I'm angry on your behalf about the teacher saying 'the other silent one', accusing you of having TV constantly on and no pencils at home (I mean, seriously?!) and then showing you other kids work. That last part is particularly awful especially if your child saw it. The teacher sounds bloody awful to me.

Please don't worry. That was a negative experience and your DS might have a neurodiversity. I could be wrong. But if he does it's often a lot worse in the primary years and gets better as they get older, and there's lots about a ND that makes a kid pretty able, special and smart. Just not in a way that always fits into the box of school.

My daughter had similar issues and she had been to preschool. The school gave extra support and I asked what specific sounds she was struggling with .we practiced at home untill she got them right. Don't panic.

School is an environment very different to anything else he would have encountered. It has its own rules and rhythms. Preschools mimic some of this especially in the last term to help them get school ready. Skills such as group listening and following an adult agenda to explore things. It is overwhelming suddenly being in a large group of your peers and having to stay there all day.

It sounds like he is still settling into the environment and perhaps gaining confidence to access all areas (perhaps he has a reason he doesn’t like the painting table, for example). Speak to the other teacher too, see if you can get a better picture as parents evenings are very short meetings and don’t give enough time to address deeper concerns. He will be fine. Reception is the year they learn to be in school and it can be wobbly for some. I was always a quiet observer at school and so was one of my children but we all did fine with our exams etc.

Honestly I think the teacher is out of line. Even if what she's saying is true she seemed rude! There are ways and means of explaining negative things to parents and that wasn't it. To compare him to other children is awful. I would definitely ask for a meeting with the other teacher and go from there. I hope he settles soon OP

The teacher wasn’t wrong to show you other children’s work - she was clearly using it as a frame of reference to say this is what the general writing ability is at that age and unfortunately your DC isn’t at that level yet. How else could she demonstrate that to you otherwise? She also wasn’t focusing on his social interactions because it’s his learning that’s the issue. Go see the other teacher but please don’t bowl in there preparing to slag off this one for what she brought to your attention because I can guarantee you will receive the same feedback. Yes, it was negative but it sounds like it was a reflection of their concern for your son.

I wouldn’t worry. I can remember my ds first parents evening was disappointing. The teacher was very focused on box ticking, my focus at 4 (being a summer baby) was that he’d settled in well and was making friends. The teacher didn’t really seem to know my ds. Anyway, after that he flew through primary and continues into secondary. Don’t let 7mins with his first teacher cloud your judgement as a parent - you know your child best. You get some good teachers and some bad. My ds first one was just not very good sadly. Sounds like you’re in the same boat.

Surely he's just being a bit reserved in a large group and needs time to find his feet.

But there will be some dc who, regardless of their innate ability, have come from households where there isn't the capacity to care much about the education of their dc, or to do much about it if they do

I think you’ve been given a hard time on here, OP. The fact is, all the statistics point to a correlation between poverty in the early years and educational disadvantage. You assumed, with a child who had been exposed to a lot of language and limited screen time that they would at least be doing fine in comparison, and have had a shock. I think you may have failed to factor in the massive impact that early years funding makes to school readiness.

We were living on a deprived housing estate until quite recently. The primary school was terrible and failing which is a big reason why we moved. But the preschool there is excellent and makes a huge difference to school readiness.

Hey,

I used to be a teacher. We could always tell the children that had attended childcare and this that had been mostly at home at intake. There's no judgment. There's pros and cons with each and neither is 'wrong' or 'worse'. It just means that the children usually arrive with different skills. In childcare settings staff are trained to start teaching the basics such as fine and gross motor skills, independence and other things. They monitor children's learning even at this stage and what looks like play is actually disguised as learning. Those that stay at home are usually more developed in other ways. They have secure attachments to parents etc.

But what is usually the same is that they all progress. I've 4 children, all of them attended childcare regularly except my youngest who missed a lot because I took 12 months maternity and then it was COVID so spent lockdowns at home with me. When did go back to work this was part time. There's a noticeable difference in him. He was not as 'on target' in some areas but better in others. He is 💯 the most securely attached of my children, you can Google 'securely attached child' to see the benefits. He's also the calmest and quietest (not a bad thing at all, my other kids can be wild!) which I believe is a result of being home more. He's now in yr 2 and is meeting age related expectations in all areas, exceeding in some.

I wouldn't be worried at this stage. School is new and learning and progress in any area takes time.

I think he needs a bit more time to settle. If the other children were at nursery together they may have already established bonds and friendships which he's finding it hard to break into.
I also think it's a bit early to tell whether he's struggling with reading and writing.

Just as a side note, when my son was in reception, we were told that he wouldn't communicate with anyone. Like you're saying, our son had no problem communicating or making friends at home. He was put in a little club that ran whilst the other children were in assembly, doing Lego, puzzles etc to help with it. After 3 months, the teacher came to me and said there was no improvement so I asked my son at home why he wouldn't communicate.
Turns out that at the age of 4 he'd worked out that assembly was boring & rubbish so if he kept quiet he got to do fun stuff and was doing it on purpose!
😂
The moral of this story is that this quiet, little lad that wouldn't speak, that the teachers thought had a problem is currently in the local Grammar school smashing it!
Give him a little more time before making a decision.

It is awful the teacher showed other kids’ work in front of your son and referred to him as the ‘silent one’ I would complain about this, it is very out of order.
You sound like a loving Mum and anyone would be worried about a child who is being spoken about so negatively at 4 years old - especially if things are v different at home. I would have another meeting and then go to the Head if not happy.

In year 1 my son was put with the children who needed the most help in class, because he didn't talk and the teacher didn't seem to understand him. He isn't ND and is now doing a PhD. He was just really quiet at school,.

From what I’ve seen with my own kids and understood from school is that the key development years are school years 3 and 4. My kid didn’t speak more than two words in a row until age 3, in year 1 was having extra phonics lessons and by year 4 was working beyond expectations in all areas. He was at nursery full time though, I agree it makes a huge difference, and I think has contributed to my kids being very outgoing.

On the academic side I wouldn’t worry, many boys are late developers. I’d focus on the social aspect with clubs and hobbies.