To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Clearly not considering all those apparently deprived children with parents that don’t care about their education are doing a lot better in school than the OPs kid.

Attacking children now are we? Don't be so obtuse.

So because the OP is also judgemental that makes it okay? It wasn't professional behaviour from the teacher and it is the teacher who is the professional in that relationship. It doesn't really matter what the parent does, a teacher should not he getting other children's work out for comparison, even worse in front of the child, and refer to the child's friend as the other silent one. It's awful practice and could harm the childs confidence and self-esteem. I have a SEN child so I have dealt with these conversations about milestones not being hit and they've never been delivered by direct comparison with his peers or without sharing some positives about what he had enjoyed and what progress he has made, even when that progress still leaves him below the expected standard.
A meeting with the head may lead to discussions with the teacher and an improvement to the teachers abilities. I'm not calling for her to be sacked, just for her poor practice to be pointed out so she can make changes.

OP your son sounds a lot like me when I was a kid. Bright, advanced at language, bombed at school.

My parents had me assessed, and they were advised that I was very bright, but not all that able to cope with the social environment. Which was totally true - I found the noise, disorganization, and constant stimulation very over-whelming. And I am not, for the record, autistic, or anything like that, I'm just a somewhat introverted person.

What they did in the end was send me to repeat the year, but at a private school with a small, half day class. I loved that year and did really well.

Oh, and by the way - at 4, there is no need for him to have been at school before, and the ability to read and write varies hugely in that age group. Many children aren't developmentally ready until closer to 6.

The teacher sounds dire, tbh.

I'm saying that the teacher probably asked about the pens/paper and TV/chatting because, from what is visible to her at school, her son is struggling in areas involving writing/drawing and socialising. This was the first parents evening. She was asking questions to gage his home environment because, sadly, some children do not have those resources.

It just feels a bit off that op is making frequent comments about "other families" being deprived/disadvantaged/working class and being amazed they are doing well in areas her child is struggling. But gets very defensive at a teacher asking about their resources in response to the child having difficulties.

This!

Ffs, the school has lower than average outcomes, which is associated with being in a deprived area. People do know that such schools aren't just scattered equally or randomly across all demographics, don't they? It's pretty disingenuous to claim otherwise. I made the link that, since most of the children in ds's class will finish school with lower than average outcomes (unless his is going to be the class that bucks the years long trend) then if ds is already behind them now it's a serious problem. It would also suggest he has serious learning difficulties since he has, objectively speaking, had many advantages in life. This doesn't fit my perception of dc, which may be skewed, of course, or that of most of our acquaintances, which may obviously be biased/polite lies. All of them...hence my response to parents' evening and the thread. It's not really about the area but about the school itself and the outcome it gets.

Is that all so hard to understand? It's easy to pile on and call me a snob, but I'm pretty sure most people would react similarly even if they won't admit it.

Do YOU live in a deprived area?
Are you in this schools catchment area?

Plenty of kids around the world won’t even have started school yet. He will catch up. The most important thing is that he’s happy. Can you try and organise some play dates for him with some of the children?

Meet the other teacher. If you decide to stay, work with the teachers- listen to their recommendations and have a monthly or so check in to see how your child is progressing.

This again.

They won't listen to you op, they just want to believe you're looking down on these children/families despite the fact you chose the school knowing the demographic.

So you would be ok with him being behind if he was in a high achieving school? Unreal.

The teacher sounds rubbish and incredibly unprofessional. I wouldn’t want to trust her opinion at all, so I think the first thing I would do is speak with the other teacher and try to get an impression of the real situation.

Many pre schools are very small groups, so even if they do attend children have quite a shock going to a class of 30. I think the class sizes in primary are ridiculous tbh but obviously it’s about money.

I explained upthread about having very little choice of school for ds. I do wonder if we got it wrong. As for whether I live in the deprived area, of course I do but I'm not deprived, comparatively speaking.

And of course I may not be concerned if ds was behind a group of advanced children. That would be different, wouldn't it? If he's behind age-related expectations then I'm concerned, regardless of the other children in the class. I'm not sure what's unbelievable about that.

The teacher could have been clearer about that instead of just showing me other children's work. According to many replies on here ds is not unusual for his age, especially as he didn't attend preschool, but I'll get a more definitive answer from the other teacher.

Averages shouldn't be applied to the individual.

You need some balance in your mind OP. You've had someone "shatter" your impression of your child and that is hard to deal with emotionally. You (naturally) want the best for your child and it's very hard to hear when your version of best is different to schools version of best.

Interactions with friends won't necessarily tell you anything about a child's formal learning (reading and writing). Similarly with observing their social skills, it's different because you are there too when out with your friends.

I think you've faced difficult replies on this thread because of how you have phrased things. We know that deprived schools have worse outcomes, but that doesn't mean your child has significant issues because he's behind children who are "already behind". It means he's found the transition to formal learning more difficult than others and will likely make progress in his own time.

Don't panic he sounds great ! See what the other teacher says and go from there. He's so small still. You didn't make a big mistake keeping him with you he will adjust it may just take time. Get him practicing on what he's struggling with in small bursts at home. Give rewards for motivation. My son gets a hotwheels car at the end of the week if he sits with me and does writing practice everyday for 15 mins. We've seen a big improvement from doing this. Make it is as fun as you can. The fact you are worried means you are a good mum ! Also don't move him things in life are hard sometimes show him with your support and his own hard work he can do hard things.

That does make sense, thank you @Hercisback1 .

I didn’t say behind advanced children. I said in a high achieving school. Behind is behind. What’s hard to read is that you seem to think being behind in a school of disadvantaged kids is somehow worse.

Do you know how other parents found the teacher at their conferences? It does sound very much like you've been unlucky enough to get a crap teacher - and I doubt you are the only parent to see that?

To add to what I posted earlier, I really wouldn’t get caught up in him being ‘behind’. Or get too heavy with trying to catch him up.

We’re talking a reception class here. They’re tiny. Reception should mainly be about settling kids in and getting them up to speed with the basics, hence ‘reception’. Do listen to all the parents who’ve posted on this thread, whose teenage/adult kids are excelling academically, yet appeared, or were told they were, ‘behind’ as a 4 or 5 year old.

You’ve encountered a rubbish, judgemental teacher, who may well even be getting your DS mixed up with another child. And should certainly not be comparing him with others or showing you their work. And the job share certainly won’t help.

And don’t be affected by some of the judgement and SEN diagnosis on here. You always get a few who do that.

Kids develop at such different stages at that age. Disruption and off par teaching never help. You know when your kid has a good teacher, or one they respond to, because they thrive and make huge progress. Don’t worry.

I don’t like the sound of your school at all but be careful with the so called catching up. I used to help out in my ds’s class listening to kids read. A child asked me one day if my ds liked reading and I said yes he loves books - that child told me that although he was the first in the class to finish the reading scheme - he did it because he really hated reading and he wanted to get to the end and stop - he said he felt so sad because he was the only kid who really hated it.
Ds failed to achieve expected standard for Early Years Goals his teacher had nothing positive to say about him - even labelled him the worst writer in the class and she showed me another child’s book with lovely writing to prove it saying “There’s his competition!” Ironically It was the child who hated reading!
Ds has just been accepted on a Grad programme with one of the Big 4. He developed at his own pace and all the other kids who she tore strips off for being socially inadequate, etc did just fine too - few went to Oxbridge, one is doing a phd in Engineering, quite a few got firsts.
My advice - make sure your ds is happy at school - that is the number one thing - if your ds is unhappy at school nothing else will matter, not sure why some teachers behave like this - education is a marathon not a sprint - don’t put your dc off learning by forcing it, trust what you know - not all teachers know what they are talking about.

I say listen to your gut. The very first drop off for my sons' reception class I had a bad feeling. After 1.5 years of hell, I pulled him out half way through year 1. He is now doing well in a new school. I should have pulled him out on the very first day!

I wish I’d listened to my gut too - but I learned too