To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

I remember parents evening for my eldest daughter and being told how she should be doing this and this by now.

My words were 'and she will. Eventually.'

She is now 18 with 4 uni offers and predicted grades of As at A level

My middle child I was told was very precocious, very sociable and bright. Yes she's predicted 8s and 9s at GCSE

My youngest is year 4. I begged the teacher for help as he couldn't read and refused at home. They told me I had to try harder. He is now diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. he also now reads himself for pleasure any minute he can at home.

My point is that your son will do it all when is ready/can. He is still very little at the moment and finding his feet in education. I say this as a secondary school teacher. He will get there and the school need to be supporting that rather than judging that.

I would move him. A job share is awful for the kids. They shouldn't have been showing you other children's work at parents evening nor should they have called him 'the other silent one'. They are very much focussed on what you're doing
And not what they're doing to catch him up. I'd move him in a heart beat.

Well, in playgrounds I have very limited input. I focus on ds2 so ds1, as long as there is someone vaguely his own age there, tends to go off. He definitely interacts well in those kinds of situations. In fact, there is one park we go to most weeks at the same time and often there is a particular child there with his grandad and he and ds go off and play. Both the grandad and I have had to gently intervene when they have both got bossy with each other and both the grandad and I have commented that 'our' dc is a bit bossy and that it does them good to have someone stand up to him! They mainly play well together though. I do think the classroom environment is perhaps a bit much for him as 30 kids is obviously very different from one or two and they are stuck in there all day.

Definitely areange a meeting with the other teacher and hopefully you then have a fuller picture of how your child is presenting in school. I'm a primary teacher and find it bizarre you were shown other children work to compare I have never done this and if a teacher started a parents night like this I would stop them and ask they only discuss my child's progress.
Re the socialising lack of nursery will have played a part and it may simply be he is struggling mixing with a bigger group. However your description reminds me very much of my nd son who plays happily with family friends, cousins etc and can make 'surface level' friendships at playgrounds but at clubs and school he won't engage, plays alone and finds communication with his peers difficult. Just something to consider.

I agree with this. The comment about the other child was well out of order.

@Nant90 hope you’re ok. Thousands of people think they know about Reception aged children, so you’ve had a lot of replies. That could be overwhelming. Hope you’ve picked out the helpful answers and can ignore any unhelpful ones. Good luck to you and your son.

Just another thought, is there any chance that he isn’t doing the same amount of work as the others simply because he is ahead and find it a bit boring?! Just because he isn’t doing it doesn’t mean he can’t.

This happened a little with my DS. He was always really advanced in nursery and preschool and so would get a lot of praise every time he did something so he kind of ‘checked out’ and rushed through his work so he could chat with his mates.
The teacher started giving him year 2 work to do in year 1 and he struggled with it, had never been challenged academically before and all of a sudden he wasn’t breezing through everything it really knocked his confidence. We had to explain to him that he needs to try, and it’s good to struggle with work sometimes and not to be hard on himself if he doesn’t get it right first time. That really helped him turn a corner and settle back down.

Have you spoken to him to get his opinion on how he sees school?

All I'm thinking is that these kids are like 4. He will be fine once he adjusts. He can walk and talk and that's plenty. Being quiet is nit bad 4yo don't need to know how to read and write.

I'm not sure if this helps to hear but I'm still friendly with another mum from primary school. Last time we met we were laughing, remembering how both our kids were in the bottom/ extra help needed groups in reception and year 1. Both kids are now at top universities. Reception's far too early to tell anything!

Hi OP

I'd find it worrying that a teacher doesn't have any idea who your child plays with. In my experience of reception and year 1 there it's a lot about teaching them how to socialise, and if they think there is an issue, they should be doing something to help.

I think for dexterity and writing a lot of it needs to be done at home as it needs a lot of practice and teachers just don't have time to correct things like incorrect letter formation. It doesn't have to be writing, he can practice this with things like colouring things you've printed or drawing pictures of his favourite interests, or making miniature models etc

I get how frustrating this must be, especially when you know your child has so much potential. A chat with the other teacher could definitely give you more insight. It sounds like your son is bright and interested, just maybe not fully engaged at school yet. You're doing all you can to support him, so don't feel bad every kid has their own pace, and you’re already on the right track

I dont think you should compare children - until they are about 7-8 they all learn the different skills at different speeds - mostly depending on what they are interested in! Eg, my kids all were walking steadily by 10 months, my nephew didnt take a step until he was 18 months. now they are teens you wouldn't know who walked first.

I have 3 children and they are all different. DS1 didnt utter a single word until he was 2.5 whereas DD was holding full conversations by 18 months. DS1 even now has issues with his writing - he had to have occupational therapy when he was younger for his fine motor skills, writing slopes, special pencil holders etc and the school taught him touch typing. He has always been allowed to use a laptop in his exams etc. Yet he could ready really well when he was 3, when he started school he was assessed as reading (and comprehending) like a 14 year old. On the other hand he had zero social skills or even inclination to play with others. Even know he is not a social person at 18.

He sounds a lot like my DS did when he was that age. My DS has Autism 💖

I don't think you should worry too much OP, it sounds like he is only a bit behind in some areas. That teacher sounds really unprofessional, the way she spoke about another child and showing art with names on it, both outright breaches of confidentiality. Also it sounds like her tone was negative She was negative about your child and accusatory towards you about how you parent him.

Regarding being behind at drawing or writing, this doesn't surprise me at all if he missed preschool, the whole point of preschool is preparation for school (I work in preschool). Many children find holding a crayon or pen really uncomfortable and avoid drawing activities, which is why so much effort is put in in preschool to muscle strengthening activities like play dough and fine motor challenges such as bead threading. There are exercises geared towards spacial awareness too as this is an element of drawing that some children struggle with. He is behind because he wasn't exposed to it as much as his peers, but that's something he can catch up on and I wouldn't be too concerned.

As for being quiet, this is common enough and I honestly don't know why but so many kids have a split personality in a school setting. We see one or two every year, children who don't respond to us or mutter at the floor or who are just mute no matter what, then chat happily to their parents at home time. They make fools out of both parties. That's why these parent teacher meetings are so important, you have no idea how he behaves in school and vice versa. The same goes for a child's personality, as a teacher you can only interpret what you see. I have a child in my year who is quiet and obedient but has never shown initiative or anger or happiness, doesn't play with anyone and just has a blank expression all day long, I have no idea what her personality is, to us its like she doesn't have one. But i know this isn't the case of course because I see her with her mother and her mother tells me what her interests are and I try to connect with her that way, no luck so far. Its not that unusual to be gobsmacked at at the first meeting.

Please try not to worry too much, he is probably just finding his feet still. I agree with PP about talking to the other teacher, this one sounds awful.

When they said "the other silent one" did they mean that your child does not speak in school? If yes, please read up on Selective Mutism, our Reception teacher was also dismissive of our son and compared him to others like 'everyone else can answer the register or say hello'. We had no experience of this as he speaks freely at home but it took until Year1 to realise he had selective mutism. I was very sad and frustrated that in Reception noone picked up on the fact there was an underlying reason, they only cared about what he couldn't do.

I would add that sometimes parents get into the habit of reading so much (which is brilliant) that the child isn't reading for long enough. One parent commented to me recently their child was reading some of their book but then listening to the parent read lots of books. They hadn't noticed their child wasn't actually reading that much.

The fact you're so involved and interested means he'll do well (as in progress to the best of his ability).

Using a timer can help e.g. let's practise letters for 5 minutes. Do it in a fun way like get a cardboard box for him to write on, use chalks outside, write facts he knows, make a mini non-fiction book.

Good luck, I wish more parents were as keen to help their child as you are.

Definitely chat to the other teacher - but sometime kids do just have a bad year/fit with teacher.

DS reception year was particularly bad and got worse and worse and he made little to no progress and when we raised concerns were fobbed or he was blamed. He'd been to the school pre-school with no issues.

There were issues with DS short term memory issue and glue ear. In end worried about him we started most basic Dancing bears program at home 10 minutes a day- where it became obvious where he was struggling - and later on mathsfactor or just do fun things like Teach your monster how to read. He sitting A-levels now having done exceptionally well at GCSE. Obviously keep encouraging books and reading at home. Also agree with PP pen holding and letter formation wasn't corrected by school and was often missed - apple and pears spelling program had dictation - and again working with them at home became obvious where issue were for my DC and could then work on them.

Though it could also just be a slightly negative teacher in communication and everythings fine - had that one year with DD1 - again not only ones who found this - but she took year out came back had youngest and was completely different - but despite negativity there were not real issue with teaching or child's progress.

She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

Right IME this can happen - some teachers make assumptions and then have low expectations - DH and I experienced it and we've had it with our kids - not all staff by any means but it's there. MN with professional jobs and mc schools often deny it could ever happen but had to deal with it - depressing how dropping DH PhD doctorate title or our dcational background/work changed expectations.

I wouldn't assume this though - it could be there is something and he needs a bit of extra support - it's marathon not a sprint so don't worry - and if you do feel he need home support little and often is best.

I wouldn't worry yet op and instead speak to the teacher who teaches him 3 days a week. The first teacher you have spoken to sounds very unprofessional in her approach and surely you as a teacher can see that? Even if a child is having difficulties surely you talk about the positive things first and then lead onto where they are having difficulties? Your dh has the right approach, speak to the other teacher, then go from there. Don't take any drastic decisions just yet.

I haven’t read the full thread but I’m shocked by the responses on the first couple of pages. Obviously I don’t know your child but nothing about what you’ve written seems like he’s behind or has any particular SEN, just that doesn’t seem to have settled well into his new school — which is basically the whole purpose of reception year (it’s in the name)! I find it really shocking the teachers haven’t reached out to you before now to discuss and work with you to support him. He’s 4!

The way they’ve discussed it with you and especially the comment about “the other silent child” sounds unprofessional. It’s their job to help children settle into school, what have they put in place to help him?

I’d let them know you are extremely concerned given the discrepancy between his behaviour at home and at school, disappointed that it hasn’t been highlighted until now, and want to know what they have already tried and what they are planning to do next to help him feel more comfortable at school. I don’t think you are unreasonable to move him if they aren’t able to provide satisfactory responses, he sounds like he needs a more nurturing setting.

Think about what you’ve just said.

They don’t compare children. They measure against milestones. You can’t not do that until they’re 7-8 for really obvious reasons.

Agree also with the previous poster — if he is really not speaking/interacting much at school after this much time please read up on SM selective mutism.org.uk

Selective mutism is an anxiety based disorder characterised by a significant discrepancy in ability to speak and communicate between settings (eg home/school). It’s a real disorder that is recognised by the NHS and treatment is much easier at an early age than once it has been going on for a while so do please keep it in mind.

“I didn't want anyone to tell me he was better than other children but being told he is doing a lot worse than children, many of whom will be from disadvantaged backgrounds, is hard to hear”

I was with you OP until the classism and outright snobbery came out.

Teachers are experts, but they also have 30 DC in the class and don’t always get it right.

DS was put in a low group for English in reception due to ‘poor handwriting’. His Y1 teacher couldn’t believe it as his writing and reading comprehension were excellent. In hindsight, we should have challenged her view at the time.

He could read and understand broadsheet newspapers at 8 or 9 and went on to get an A* at English A level.

I’d see what the other teacher’s view is, but ultimately you are seeing your DS’s abilities on a much closer basis than the teacher so don’t be afraid to challenge if need be.

Have a longer chat with the other teacher and take it from there.

I can see how it was disheartening for you to hear what you heard.

just moving him won’t necessarily help. Is he relatively happy? That would be my main concern

A few people (myself included) have bought this up, but @Nant90 is conveniently totally ignoring it. Leads me to think the teacher maybe wasn't the only one with an attitude at that parents evening.