To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

Your son sounds engaged and chatty at home so i would imagine he may be struggling to be around so many other children as this is very new to him. Let him settle and give him time to find his feet socially.
Your DH is right, you need to meet the other teacher and ask her views. Sometimes it is not a pupil problem but a teacher problem and sometimes the child doesn't like the teacher or the teacher is not very good and hiding her dislike of a child.
Just a thought, maybe it is time to limit the amount you read to your son, after all why bother learning a new skill when someone else will perform that skill for you? Read only at bedtime and tell him you can't wait until he learns the really exciting and special skill of reading. Tell him he can have a special trip to the library every week to choose a book once he has learnt to read. Make it an exciting prospect. And get the art box out and work on those fine motorskills, without those you struggle to write.
Most importantly don't remove him from school, let him find his feet.

Ok so you’ve gone from what do you think about this situation to having a pretty clear opinion on the teacher and the situation itself. Why didn’t you state all this in the beginning. If it makes you feel better, make a complaint about her and start looking at other schools. You might want a small village primary, my dd goes to one with just 20 kids per year and they all thrive . but be prepared that your child might not be the cleverest there unfortunately 🙈😂

@Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves how has it helped them in their lives being able to write their names before starting school? My DS didn’t recognise any letters at all when he started school, never mind being able to write his name. He’s at a Russell Group uni now. I may be wrong, but I’m thinking that his inability to write his name before school didn’t really hold him back….

I'm not sure engaging more with the teaching staff will improve the situation as it will likely cause them to close ranks and become more entrenched in their views. A cynic would think the teacher was deliberately trying to shame you into bringing your child up to scratch... So she doesn't have to fill in the gaps in his learning.
Maybe it's worth working on motor skills, reading and writing at home and maybe a club for social skills?
I would consider moving schools as the teacher sounds judgemental and labelling children is unhelpful but it's worth supporting your child's learning at home as being less skilled than his cohort will negatively affect his confidence.

I have to be completely honest and say every child I’ve met who was initially home schooled, really struggles with making friends. They’re fine with adults but seem a little odd and old beyond their years, and find it difficult to discover their ‘peer age appropriate’ side. That’s just anecdotal though.

I think the teacher sounds unprofessional. I would see how it goes. Follow up with the other teacher and continue supporting your son. I don't think think its helpful to compare your son to children who have been nursery fully time.

Of course you can have SEN at 4. But some children are ahead in some things and behind in others- and it is not unusual for a 4 year old not be able to write neatly. It doesn't mean he's 'behind' overall or not going to be at the same level as everyone else in a year's time.

There's not enough information in the OP's post to say that the teacher thinks there's SEN. The teacher hasn't suggested it.

What has going to a Russell group uni got to do with anything. It’s hardly winning a Nobel prize you only need 3 bs to get into most of them.

Can you include more writing practice at home but in amongst other things you're doing? Yesterday DD(5 - also reception) lost part of a toy and decided she wanted to be a detective so she got a notebook and pencil- she drew the three boxes and ticked and crossed them off and then I encouraged her to write (with help for 'was' because it's a tricky word) 'it was in box 3'. I also write her messages on her easel for her to find using the current words they're using in phonics and she's started to randomly write some messages for me - they're not always spelt perfectly but she's making her own choice to do it and all practice is helpful! We get handwriting sheets sent home every week but I don't make her do them unless she wants to (I might leave them lying around to encourage her) and focus on getting her to write in more 'real world' scenarios as its much more interesting!

KindLemur
What do you mean by someone else footing the bill?
Parents often work opposite hours so don’t need child care. Are you assuming PP is on benefits?

I've just read your op.

My first thoughts are:
This is not a teacher with tact or aptitude both from a pastoral and academic perspective.
You have a bright kid, you're quite right.
Is there any family history of autism or dyslexia? How did you and dad do/uncles and aunties do in the early years at school?

If you're coming from a significantly different socioeconomic bracket from the other children, he may be socially at a disadvantage just because he is different.

I would look at the school's last inspection report and what the head teacher is like as well as the teacher for next year before pulling him out. But I might well pull him out, in your shoes.

‘Only need 3 B’s’

You’re a prize aren’t you? Just look down on the academic achievements of most of the population. 🙄

Hello, op . Have you ever discussed home schooling?. My son is disabled and was attending a special school. It wasn’t meeting his educational needs. I knew he was capable of doing the curriculum but where he was didn’t. During Covid we pulled him from school and have been doing the curriculum ever since. He was non verbal . Now he’s talking and up to 4th class

I think you should just speak to the other teacher and once you have her / his perspective take it from there . I do think it’s wildly unprofessional to show you other kids artwork to demonstrate how behind your own child is . Our kids are adult but when they were at infant / juniors the teachers wouldn’t tell you anything about where they sat in the class from an attainment POV . Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a quiet , sensitive child . Actually the more I’m writing the more I’d be tempted to book an appointment with not only the other teacher but one of the leadership team to discuss your last appointment- and do not take your child to these meetings he doesn’t need to hear this .

I work in a secondary, Sen is my primary focus. Your expertise in the subject, think of it this way, for primary school teachers the expertise is knowing when children are not in line with their peers. And your little boy is not. You can accept that and work with the school knowing that early intervention is absolutely key or not and know that you will have missed the boat for early intervention.

She probably has written him off because as you’ve flagged repeatedly he is at a school with disadvantaged kids - he is now possibly one - and resources / lack of support / parental issues - means the outcomes for these kids is low. And she is going to be aware from her limited engagement with you that you’re going to be a barrier to support. Before you get defensive your gut instinct was to pull him out the school. That gut instinct is a barrier.

I’m assuming like most earth mother homeschoolers I know, that the husband/partner is doing 70hour weeks so they can claim to be superior by letting their kids climb trees instead of being ‘forced to conform’

OP, he will be absolutely fine. He sounds great and you're doing a good job. Keep reading to him, keep getting him to read to you and practice some writing at home. He'll be absolutely grand.

He's 4 years old and sounds like a lovely boy. As long as he's happy at school and has made some friends then all will be well.

Definitely speak to the other teacher to get their perspective. Ask what you can do at home to help support with what he's doing at school. You're clearly an engaged parent that wants the best for their child so he's already benefitting and as you say, he is progressing.

As I said before, I had some awful parents' evenings for DD2 with a real dragon of a Reception teacher. She was overly negative I felt and must have seen my face as she did add at the end "but she's a lovely girl." It didn't matter, she's now in Year 1 and doing brilliantly.

Your son will be just fine.

ah @Nant90 , my DS1 was just the same. We knew he was bright but he didn't fit in very well at school and although chatty and happy at home, was very quiet at school.

We used to dread the primary parents evenings as the boy they knew was so different to the boy we knew. They just didn't seem to 'get' him.

When he went to secondary he really came out of his shell, realised he was bright - after some very good CAT scores - and is now thriving in his first year of uni.

Whether or not you should move your DC is not something I can answer, but I do know that eventually things turned out well for my DC

Hi x I’d be worried that teacher doesn’t know who he is playing with and that she called another child the silent one, I moved my son into a smaller setting after him being so overlooked in a class of 31 - the teacher said to me ‘I barely even know he’s there’, I helped in the school a lot and saw the attention that was given to the loud, demanding and distracting children.

How do you know he will be fine?

My son went an excellent Montessori term time nursery from 2.5 and we did a lot of outdoor play activities but no skills. We were both booksellers by profession. Books everywhere. Music song etc.
First parents evening I felt much the same as you. Let down and confused to hear of his being behind on some targets. But school were much much more supportive and he did seem to enjoy it. His reading was excellent quite soon and spelling.
His fine motor skills and social skills were the issue. He later had a diagnosis of Dyspraxia at 13.

Looking back I would have fought harder to do more holistic activities. Sandpaper letters, clay, gardening, teaching him to do dance moves(!) balance activities, confidence in physical skills. Often when you are bad at something you don't practise it, and then you get even worse at it! Drama and music /choir were really good for him.

Now he is a singer /Actor and writes film scripts!

im not looking down on it at all, it’s not easy to get 3bs and is very much an achievement but I was replying to the poster who seemed to think it marked one out as some sort of extraordinary feat

I would try not to overthink it.
Its difficult, often I think especially with a first child where you may have less confidence in yourself, to think of these parents eveniings as where the teacher tells you how good a child it is and how good a parent youve been.
Its not unusual that he would act very different at school than at home, and remember at home, youve been guided by his interests and his strengths more too, and in his own comofrtable environment.

I dont think it was wrong to take him out of preschool. I think he probably didnt have a lot of friends there as he was only there part time.

Your little boy sounds lovely. If they want him to get better at his painting and writing, then thats what they can work on with him next.

OP my child never went to nursery, my mum looked after him when I returned full time after 6m mat leave (SMP only). He was taken to plenty of groups and play centres, museums, library, parks, shopping - mum had him everywhere. He was a late July baby and I would say he was beyond ready for school socially but not not quite academically. But he caught up. He always had quite advanced vocab but even today (aged 21) has the handwriting of a 10 year old! He got great A level results but chose not to go to Uni, instead he know works as a commercial property portfolio manager and is studying RIICS qualifications along with gaining his private pilots licence. The only novels he's ever read were the ones he had to for the curriculum. He's a very rounded and popular adult.

I don't like the sound of the way the teacher approached this conversation.

I'll also add, sadly many people see nursery as 'play' and don't recognise the value in it especially in a school nursery led by a teacher. That year in nursery we absolutely embed phase 1 phonics so lots of listening, orally segmenting and blending. We start to introduce letters and play games with sounds. We do lots of fine motor activities, paint, draw, cut and make things. We encourage role play and physical activities. We look at how the child is socially and support, getting them ready for their step into reception. It is such a building block and unless this is replicated at home then it does put those reception children who have started without it at a disadvantage.

I wish parents could see why that pre-school year is so valuable. It also grounds parents and helps them to see what should be expected at that age. I can't tell you how many times I've heard 'my child is bright'.