To be so worried after ds's first parents' evening and want to move schools?

[Nant90]

I need to get some perspective and advice following ds's first parents' evening last week. I'm sorry it's long and thank you to anyone who does get to the end.

He is in reception and, if relevant, his birthday is coming up so around middle in terms of age. He didn't go to preschool as I was on maternity leave and then dh is sahd. He had been in nursery one day a week to give dh and then me a break and loved it. Then when he went up to the preschool room he just didn't seem happy. He and didn't ever seem to be playing with anyone when we picked him up so we took him out. Now I wonder if that was a huge mistake. He was not in any educational setting for the 6 months leading up to starting school.

This may make me sound like an arse, but I do believe ds is very bright. He is so articulate and never stops talking at home. Friends (with dc of similar ages) and relatives are always commenting on his vocabulary and ability to hold a conversation. Being read to is his favourite thing and he is forever asking questions I don't know the answer to, so we look them up. I'm not saying he's advanced - I wouldn't really know, but neither do I think he is behind. He can count up to 100 ish and recognises numbers in puzzles etc. My friend teaches his age group and was impressed at him playing I Spy last year as he was blending sounds. He also enjoys documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs and Planet Earth and talks about what he's seen afterwards. Loves museums and concentrates well and discusses the content. Plays well with friends' children - mainly three children we've known all his life, but does hook up with other kids in playgrounds etc and seems to play well with them too, give or take the odd issue, but nothing that marks him out from other kids I know.

I considered teaching him to read before starting school but he showed no interest whatsoever. He got frustrated and kept saying, 'Just read me the book,' so I thought it was best not to push it and leave it to the experts. As I said, he loves books and adores being read to. He also has no interest in writing but, again, I didn't see the point in pushing it. He's now making slow but steady progress with Biff and Chip after a very shaky start - he's found the whole process frustrating but I did think he was getting there more recently and it does seem to be clicking.

Now we've had the first real parents' evening and I feel so deflated. The focus was on what he can't do and I was shown other children's' art work with their names neatly written on to really make the point clear. I was asked whether we have pencils and paper at home, ffs. They are all ahead of him, apparently. I asked how he is doing socially and the teacher asked ds who he plays with, which was pointless as I ask him that myself all the time - I wanted her opinion. When he gave her a name she said, 'Ah, yes, the other silent one.' I wanted to cry. She then asked whether we talk to him or have the TV up loud all the time - I have done nothing but talk to him ever since he was born and he never stops talking! He only started watching TV when his brother was born and it's limited. Dh and I never watch TV until dc are in bed. She just seemed to be judging us but nothing she said rang true anyway!

It seems he is not thriving there at all and is not showing anything he can do and definitely not learning anything new. To make it worse, the school is in a deprived area and outcomes are below average, yet he is worse than all the other children?! I feel this is worrying for his future and just want to move him.

Dh, who normally thinks I worry over nothing, wants to ask for a meeting with the other teacher when they go back next week (it's a 3-2 job share and we saw the one who does 2 days) and go from there. I just want to move him.

Any thoughts would be great - I just feel we're letting him down in leaving him there.

I’m not a parent and have no advice but I can imagine I would feel the same as you and don’t think you’re being silly

I remember teachers treating kids like this at school. Even I (as a child myself) could often see their potential when the adults couldn’t or wouldn’t

And your saying it's a deprived area then teacher will be checking the basic stuff you have at home.
Some parents can't afford paper and pens or unsure how to support their child so teacher is just checking

"This is why I am leaning towards blaming the setting rather than seeing is as a problem with him, but I don't want to set a pattern of him leaving somewhere whenever the going gets tough, I do see that would be a mistake."

You're missing a point here. The reason he doesn't show any social anxiety, etc in all the other circumstances you mentioned is probably because you were there. He feels totally safe knowing his mum is there, and will express himself fully, without inhibitions.

Now he's got to get used to a space without you around, and a whole new way of life basically surrounded by a lot of other bold, confident children. That has to be daunting for him. I think you're being far too quick to blame the school without considering the fact he's a tiny little boy who's been thrown into something unfamiliar and you're expecting him to be the same. He needs time.

Edit for typo

You have no way of knowing if he will be fine.

As for the boy comment - teachers don’t sit there and feed this back for every boy, they do it for the boys that aren’t in line with their peers.

Just hopping on to say read up on Selective Mutism.
My DD has it. Silent at school but not at home.
People can be quick to jump to ASDs but SM is an anxiety disorder.
We noticed it at five but didn't get a diagnosis until 14. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Our daughter is a trainee medic.

I hate to say it but you haven’t help by not sending him to nursery. It’s intended for education not childcare. I have 3 kids and they could all write their names way before they went to school as it’s something the nursery teaches. They also started learning to read at nursery all be it very basic 3 letter words. You have flung him in at the deep end with no preparation so none of this is surprising.

Also, for some reason, people on here will literally break their backs to defend teachers in any circumstance hahaha

Why did you even bother posting this thread if you know your choices are solid have no regrets and think you’ve nothing to improve on. Listen your child will be critiqued throughout their life . If your son gets into drama classes and takes it seriously he will have his skills critiqued and be compared and ranked. If he does a sport he will be heavily compared to others constantly. It’s life. You need to get a thicker skin

There are for more breaking their backs insisting is fine based on nothing but a dislike of teachers.

I'd say give them more of a chance and see what you learn from the other meeting, There is nothing wrong in skipping pre-school, they just prepare them to wait in line and teach them to toe the line. He will have learnt a lot more one-to-one with you, as is evidenced by him being eloquent and chatty at home. If his reading is already improving, you are doing wonderfully. Sometimes, boys are simply not ready to read. So don't beat yourselves up about it. The main thing is that he is happy there. He might not be interested in learning in a group setting or finds their teaching boring.

Equally, don't get attached to a school's reputation. Often, it is parents doing the PR desperately wanting for it to attract more parents like themselves. But if you have strong feelings, there is nothing wrong with moving school, they get acclimatised very quickly. We moved primaries, and then home educated from end of year 4. Very happy with results.

What do you mean?

Hi OP.
I not read the thread as I popped out to do the school run and now it's massive.

I wanted to say that this sounds very similar to my DS at the same age. And it turned out he had autism and was shutting down at school because he was so overwhelmed by the environment.

In a way you're ahead of he game because his teacher was able to give you a clear picture of how he is at school, at an early stage.

I feel like I spent a couple of years with DS's teachers essentially talking past each other about very different children.

It may be that PP are right, and he will get used to school and come out of himself but it's perhaps something to keep an eye on.

OP as you are a teacher shame on you for judging that kids from disadvantaged backgrounds would be behind or not as smart. You should know better in that that isn’t always the case.

Your arrogance smacks of entitlement which is why people have made the comments about your kid that they have - your lack of empathy and insight into your own child is poor considering you are a teacher. Also to suggest a teacher doesn’t somehow know your kid being a teacher yourself again smacks of arrogance.

I think you need to take a serious step back and accept your kid isn’t the superstar you are making him about to be (yet!).

So you are a teacher yourself?

I don't think you have done anything wrong, OP. You sound like an engaged, loving mother.

Maybe your ds is just talking a while to get used to the busy classroom environment, and he will blossom when he feels more confident?

I don't think the teacher sounds great. You should not have been surprised at parents evening by being told there was a problem - the teacher should have been in touch before with that news.

And I don't like the way the teacher said 'the other quiet one' either. If she is only in 2 days a week, maybe she hasn't seen all that your DS can do?

I'd see the other teacher and take it from there.

Your ds is still very young. This doesn't sound unusual to me.

More like can see the nuance between a parent describing the situation from their perspective and what the actual situation probably is. There is always two sides to every story and the truth somewhere in the middle. I’ve seen it first hand just this week. A friend of mine with a son in the room above my dd at nursery was in front of me doing drop off. Her son had a large superhero toy with him, the lady from nursery bringing him in suggested not bringing it in, it might get broken, ‘mummy will look after it’ cue crying etc the nursery worker was saying ‘don’t cry mummy will bring it for you end of the day’, my friend then messaged me and said ‘don’t you think nursery lady was so rude, just let him bring the toy in ffs, she really annoys me’ - I had to disagree, the nursery lady was absolutely fine, she was trying to diffuse a situation where my friend was not helping at all or backing her up and it wasn’t appropriate for her son to take a large toy in.

Read the comments. There are a few us explaining the reality of teacher feedback and how it works. That they don’t raise concerns if there are none. Etc. no one is breaking their back, they’re giving context.

Amongst a barrage of posts from people saying he will be fine based on no information. 20% of kids have some kind of SEN. He might be fine but there’s also a strong possibility he has a barrier to learning. And here’s what educators know to be true - if there is a barrier to learning early intervention and early diagnosis is the biggest determinator when looking at long term outcomes. Denial, assuming they will be fine, dismissing teacher concerns harms children. Taking them seriously and engaging with the school never harms children. The fact that this teacher is so quick to identify and flag tells you two things - there are pretty significant concerns and she is on it. That’s what we know.

You have misread my comment. See above.

I appreciate what everyone is saying about attending nursery but surely this can go earlier and earlier? What's happened is that attending nursery with it's pros and cons,has become the norm so kids have to align with that norm now or face adult concern.

My son doesn't like a noisy environment and finds it hard to concentrate. I do wonder if that's because he wasn't at nursery for as long as some of the others and hasn't learnt it tune it out. But then he also has benefitted from other things that we did because he wasn't at nursery - pros and cons. Right now, you've hit a con but as long as your DS isn't feeling inferior and worried, it's not insurmountable.

I think I meant to quote the comment you were replying to 😬

The fact that you’re a qualified teacher makes this entire situation bizarre!

It’s a long time since my kids were little, but I do remember chatting to our primary head teacher who said how unsettling some of the youngest children found having more than one teacher. Maybe something to bear in mind.

He sounds like he’s fine, just finding school in general a bit of a shock. They start school very young here - 7ish in parts of Europe I believe.

Agree you need to look at the bigger picture and just work on bringing your DC up to speed in the areas he is behind. He will get there, he's very young. I suspect you will read this back in a few years and be amazed you were concerned.

Can see why the teacher got your back up, though, comparing to others. Delivery was clumsy and insensitive suggesting you were basically not conversing with your child.

I think this is making you defensive on here too.

Meet the other teacher and have some questions written down. You could even say that the other teacher had insinuated a couple of things you would like to address, but at the end of the day the focus should be on your child.

People constantly say this but in countries where formal schooling starts around our Y2, kids still attend daycares and preschools quite often full time from a young age, they are very high quality and state subsisted, look up Swedish early years for example

Moving him is a terrible idea, he needs to stay and learn.