Asking DS’s neighbours to keep an eye on him

[PlumMaker]

DS is 25 and recently has moved in to his own flat which he rents. DS has ASD and ADHD and this is the first time he has lived away from home. DS works full time and drives. When I went over to see DS soon after he moved to his new flat without DS knowing I spoke to 2 of his neighbours. I told them that DS has ASD and ADHD and would that I would be really grateful if they could keep an eye on him but understood and respected their decision if they did not wish to do that. I also gave them my mobile number and my DH’s number in case they need to contact us.

Told my friend recently about what I did and she told me thought I massively overstepped a boundary and I had no right telling DS’s neighbours that he has ASD and ADHD. I’ve not told DS about speaking to his neighbours.

Do you think I was being unreasonable?

To avoid drip feeding I do worry about DS living on his own, he is very isolated and has no friends at all in his life.

I am sure you meant well op, but that was a massive overstep and your friend is right. Totally wrong to tell his neighbours this information, and what happens if he finds out you told them without his permission?

Your heart was in the right place, OP, but you did go a bit too far.

Yep, I'm afraid I agree with the others OP, giving your DS's private information to others, no matter how well meant, was a step too far.

I think it was a bit foolish I’m afraid. Do you know these neighbours? They may not be nice or reliable people, and you’ve told them confidential medical information about your son. He is an adult and deserves privacy about this. Plus they now know your son may be vulnerable. You don’t know who else they may tell, how this information may be used or may impact his relationship with them.

I don’t say this to worry you or make you feel bad. I’m guessing you got a good feeling about these people and most likely they will be good neighbours and keep an eye out as you requested.
But, you shouldn’t do this again. Your son is not a child for strangers to look out for. Your are far too trusting, and being a ‘helicopter’ parent I’m afraid.

That's really not ok OP. How would you feel if he told your neighbours your medical history? And you know nothing about his neighbours, you've just announced that he's potentially vulnerable?

Also what do you actually think it was going to achieve - how would they look out for him in reality, they don't know him or his routine, what exactly do you expect them to check or 'look out for' ? Especially when he'll be out at work most of the time!

You could easily have put him at risk by letting them know how vulnerable he is.

Wow, I would be absolutely furious if you shared my private medical information with random people. Such an overstep

I am afraid that I have to concur with other posters here. I have autism and it is not information I would be comfortable being shared with strangers - although the more cogniscent and switched on could possibly work it out!

Not wishing to make you feel bad OP, doubtless your intentions were well meant, but please don't overshare sensitive personal information like this in future.

Yes I think it was unreasonable to tell his neighbours his private medical information without his permission.

Obviously you didn't mean any harm but I was a huge overstep. Are you planning on telling him?

So you told total strangers that your son is a vulnerable adult??

Neighbours have their own stuff going on.

Nice to be neighbourley but you cannot expect them to fix your life.

You mean well but YABU. Not only have you given confidential information about your DS to people you don't know, you have also put some responsibility on them for your DS. They may be vulnerable themselves.

Very foolish and burdensome of you to try to involve strangers in your son’s care. If you thought he couldn’t manage safely you should have encouraged him to choose domestic kind of assisted living or group home situation.

Wow I’d of cut my mum off if she did something like that. Well and truly overstepping.

You’ve also risked his safety. Now they know his vulnerable. You ever heard of cuckooing

I'm shocked you would do that. I have an adult son and I expect if he had those conditions I would worry about him too.
But I would never dream of speaking to new neighbours about any member of my family, it is not your place to do that.
You and he don't know them, they might be awful people who could use that info against your son, or at the very least gossip to other neighbours about him.
You have to treat him as an adult, if he's able to live independently then telling the neighbours about his medical conditions is really inappropriate. Why do you think it would help him that the neighbours know? Does your son know you've told the neighbours?
I'm wondering what the purpose of telling them was. If your son doesn't like saying hello or making chitchat, what does that matter? Most neighbours just want to keep to themselves anyway.

No, not ok at all.

You don't know his neighbours or even whether they are good people?

You shouldn't have done that

I think it would have been better if he had flown under the radar with his neighbours as you don't know them from Adam.

the problem is adhd and autism are umbrella term for all extremes of the same things
his neighbours will be judging and worrying about assorts of things

I get the intention but you got it totally wrong

the best worst option would be of been just leaving your number as a contact in case there was any emergency’s and not expanded any further

No this is not ok OP.

You've basically told complete strangers that there is a vulnerable person living there.

I know you meant well, but you could've put him in danger.

Not a good move. Apart from the ethics of disclosing someone’s private medical information without their consent, you appear to have decided his neighbours, complete strangers, were trustworthy? You basically told two randoms your DS is vulnerable.

I think you did the right thing. I’m in a similar position to you and while I haven’t given medical information it’s fairly obvious with our vulnerable adult child that they are vulnerable. I gave my number to my adult child’s neighbour in case of emergency and thankfully he called me when she was at a difficult time and I could get to her quickly. Unless you’re a parent in this situation it’s very difficult to understand.

Fine to pass your number to his neighbours as he is living alone for the first time. Totally wrong to share his medical info with them though - like really really really wrong. I'd be FURIOUS if you were my mother.

You were so so wrong telling his neighbours private information about your son without his permission. Completely overstepped the mark. As has been mentioned, you don’t even really know these people so how do you know that you can trust them. I would tell your son that you have told them. He needs to be aware and prepared just in case.

A relative did something very similar to me (medical diagnosis different to your son) I felt betrayed, violated and controlled. They chose a neighbour to gossip to and to gain gossip from who had already been bullying us too which made it so much worse.
Ive never trusted the relative again and have very little to do with them now.