Asking DS’s neighbours to keep an eye on him

[PlumMaker]

DS is 25 and recently has moved in to his own flat which he rents. DS has ASD and ADHD and this is the first time he has lived away from home. DS works full time and drives. When I went over to see DS soon after he moved to his new flat without DS knowing I spoke to 2 of his neighbours. I told them that DS has ASD and ADHD and would that I would be really grateful if they could keep an eye on him but understood and respected their decision if they did not wish to do that. I also gave them my mobile number and my DH’s number in case they need to contact us.

Told my friend recently about what I did and she told me thought I massively overstepped a boundary and I had no right telling DS’s neighbours that he has ASD and ADHD. I’ve not told DS about speaking to his neighbours.

Do you think I was being unreasonable?

To avoid drip feeding I do worry about DS living on his own, he is very isolated and has no friends at all in his life.

Totally out of order and a massive violation of his privacy do disclose his personal information like that.

It also put the neighbours in an unfair position. They are not responsible for your son’s wellbeing.

You're assuming, on no evidence, that the neighbours are trustworthy! Because if they aren’t you’ve just pinned a target on his back.

This. Apart from overstepping and divulging personal info you had no right to do, you may have made him more vulnerable.

It was not reasonable to give out that information about your son to his neighbours, he is an adult. It also wasn’t reasonable to expect his neighbours, complete strangers to you both, to look out for him and to ask that of them. This is going beyond overstepping, it’s borderline unhinged behaviour from you.

You shouldn’t assume that all those posting don’t understand the situation, some of us have experience. What OP did was not wise.

You've only really thought about yourself here, YABVU and there's no way to fix it either.

Why on earth did you think any of this is OK
If you're worried about him then you keep an eye on him. What did the neighbours say

Oof... Sorry OP but you have massively overstepped the mark here. You've breached your son's privacy, potentially put him at risk, infantalised him and trusted complete strangers with deeply personal information while making a highly inappropriate and unreasonable request of them.

It must be very difficult and painful hearing all this I'm sure, as you genuinely thought you were doing the best thing for your son, but I hope you can move on by listening and learning

Really bad idea not only have you told everyone his business and you've put pressure on his neighbours. But worst of all you have told complete strangers that he's a vulnerable person which has now put him at risk of being taken advantage of.

I understand perfectly well that divulging your adult child’s vulnerability to a total stranger purely on the basis that they live next door isn’t a good idea, for very obvious reasons.

Oh god you are one of 'those' mums. How is he ever going to gain any independence with you behaving like this?

I could understand why you gave the number if you said "oh just incase you think there's an emergency and he's on his own" bla bla bla but they shouldn't have known medical history, they could be anyone.

Yes, this^^!

I think you've been incredibly naive. Not everyone is a nice person with good intentions

You don't give out other people's numbers to strangers behind their backs though.

Or to anyone really without permission.

I thought of cuckooing as well. I don't want to pile on, but there are some seriously horrible people out there who couldn't care less how vulnerable someone is. On the other hand, the neighbours could be lovely, but with a lot already on their plate and adding to it would be most unfair and inappropriate.

He’s either independent enough to live alone or he isn’t. You’re sabotaging his opportunities for a normal adult life if you follow around behind him secretly telling others to “look out” for him.

The damage is done now but please remember when you tell strangers that your son is vulnerable you have no idea if they are kind or will use that information to your son’s detriment

Well you've probably ensured that two neighbours, who might potentially have become friends, will now avoid your DS. If they're decent people they will have been scared off by his massively inappropriate and boundary-less mother. If they're not decent people you have just made him very unsafe.

As an adult with ASD I would be furious. I am perfectly capable of managing my own life.

you have no right to disclose his neurodivergence to anyone without his permission.

What an awful thing to do. You need to tell him what you've done so he can decide if he needs to look for a new place to live.

I think to directly ask them to 'keep an eye on him' when neither you nor your son know them is a bit full on.
I'd say maybe encourage your son to introduce himself to the neighbours, maybe with a note. Once he's spoken to them or they respond then If he wants to be pretty outgoing he could invite the immediate ones for tea one day and you could be there. They may not come, but it would be better for him to engage with them organically after that initial introduction. Some people don't want to make friends.
There are some people that have too much on or their own problems to be really keeping an eye on neighbours. Hopefully some will be friendly but you don't want to impose.

As others have said, they may use this information to take advantage of him if they are not nice people. If they are good folk, it is not acceptable to burden them with responsibility.

Sorry OP, I think you are going to have a bit of a pile on here.

If you bumped into the neighbours as you were carrying boxes into the house, I think it is fine to introduce yourself as his mum and say that you are anxious about him moving out and that this is his first home out of the family home. If you went out of your way to knock on their door, that is an overstep.

And whether you bumped into them while moving boxes or specifically knocked on their door, you totally overstepped by telling the neighbours his diagnoses.

You don't know these people and it isn't your information to share.

So put of order. You've let them know he's vulnerable. He's a grown man who can look after himself.