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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking DS’s neighbours to keep an eye on him

106 replies

PlumMaker · 20/02/2025 21:26

DS is 25 and recently has moved in to his own flat which he rents. DS has ASD and ADHD and this is the first time he has lived away from home. DS works full time and drives. When I went over to see DS soon after he moved to his new flat without DS knowing I spoke to 2 of his neighbours. I told them that DS has ASD and ADHD and would that I would be really grateful if they could keep an eye on him but understood and respected their decision if they did not wish to do that. I also gave them my mobile number and my DH’s number in case they need to contact us.

Told my friend recently about what I did and she told me thought I massively overstepped a boundary and I had no right telling DS’s neighbours that he has ASD and ADHD. I’ve not told DS about speaking to his neighbours.

Do you think I was being unreasonable?

To avoid drip feeding I do worry about DS living on his own, he is very isolated and has no friends at all in his life.

OP posts:
justanothercrapbedtime · 21/02/2025 07:10

Sorry OP but that's just quite frankly really weird

We don't live in a society these days where we look out for our neighbours

He manages to hold down a job so I'm sure he'll be fine

olympicsrock · 21/02/2025 07:10

I would add my voice to those saying that this was the wrong thing to do.
If you and DS had got to know the neighbour over some time , he could share his diagnosis and your number but ONLY then.

ThighsYouCantControl · 21/02/2025 07:32

My son isn’t an adult yet but has similar issues to your son and I worry a lot about him one day moving out and living independently. I would never and will never do what you have done as not only is it a huge overstep but you’ve made your son more vulnerable by telling total strangers about your son’s vulnerabilities. One reason I worry about my son living independently is other people realising and taking advantage of his.

Bananafofana · 21/02/2025 07:35

As the parent of young person with ASD I’m truly horrified. If I did that to my DS he would be devastated and if would really harm the trust in our relationship

ACynicalDad · 21/02/2025 07:37

What checks did you do before telling these people about your son’s vulnerabilities? What happens if one takes advantage? He’s not your 5 year old now, you will need to pick up pieces, but no way you can do this. If you were that concerned it should have been supported living.

MoiraSuppose · 21/02/2025 07:43

You've potentially damaged the relationships he could have had with his neighbours too.

I'm a perfectly nice person but if someone moved in next door to me and their mammy came round and told me that my new neighbour may need an eye kept on him I'd be wary of getting to know him as I wouldn't want to end up with responsibility for him.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/02/2025 07:46

Massively overstepped. It's his personal information and you shouldn't be sharing it. If the neighbours are decent people it's not a fair ask and if they're not decent people it could come back to bite him. My DD would be mortified if I'd told neighbours she was autistic, my DS would ignore them completely if Id done this, other DS probably wouldn't care.. All my DC are autistic and there's no way I'd share that without their agreement because it's not my personal information to share. Also even if you ignore the fact you shared personal things about him with people he doesn't know but will have to live alongside you were extremely naive to imagine only neutral or positive outcomes from sharing this. There is still lots of discrimination against people with Autism and you have no idea what his neighbours are like.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 21/02/2025 07:53

Nevermind your son, you need someone looking out for you, to stop you doing absolutely batshit things like this. Massively out of order of you to do that and you want to hope that he never finds out.

YourIcyReader · 21/02/2025 08:07

So unfair on the neighbours, they aren’t there to look after him!!

EasternStandard · 21/02/2025 08:08

pikkumyy77 · 20/02/2025 21:51

Very foolish and burdensome of you to try to involve strangers in your son’s care. If you thought he couldn’t manage safely you should have encouraged him to choose domestic kind of assisted living or group home situation.

Agree on both points

Privacy and responsibility to people who shouldn't have it

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 21/02/2025 08:12

You don't know these people from Adam, and now they know your son's medical history and vulnerability.

It's not fair on them or your son.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 21/02/2025 08:17

margeyoursoakinginit · 21/02/2025 04:41

I think giving them your number was fine. Just say "oh DS is one for losing things so I'd be grateful if I could give you my name and number in case he loses his keys and phone!! Thanks so much".

That's still really weird.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 21/02/2025 08:18

My son is 26 with ADHD, and if I had shared this information with his neighbours, I'm not sure he would have spoken to me again.

Massive overstep on your part

Redburnett · 21/02/2025 08:25

You told random strangers about your DS's vulnerabilities without knowing anything at all about them, unbelievable.

thismummydrinksgin · 21/02/2025 08:28

Ah don't over think it. Worst case the neighbours think your a bit batty , best case they ring you when there's a problem x

GreyCarpet · 21/02/2025 08:35

No. The worst case is that she's delivered her son in to the hands of some really unpleasant and unscrupulous people and made them fully aware of his vulnerabilities.

Hopefully, the neighbours will just think she's a bit batty and ignore her.

Best case scenario, they pretend it never happened.

catchthepigeon98 · 21/02/2025 08:36

Your poor son. He has a job and can drive but you think he’s not safe living on his own. Surely if you think he needs babysitting and is a danger you should also tell the dvla as what would he be doing for the neighbours to ring you.

Rubyupbeat · 21/02/2025 08:53

Dreadful, totally dreadful.
Even if they are the nicest people, the fact you asked them to keep an eye on him is so wrong. What if anything happened they would have dreadful guilt.
Not sure what can be done now. Especially if your son finds out!

ItGhoul · 21/02/2025 08:58

Your son is a grown man with a full time job, a car and his own place. Stop infantilising him like this. I’m cringing.

ItGhoul · 21/02/2025 09:02

Fair enough to introduce yourself and to give out your own number due to son 's first time living away from home

No, it would be really fucking weird for any parent of a grown man to do that.

GreyCarpet · 21/02/2025 09:08

ItGhoul · 21/02/2025 09:02

Fair enough to introduce yourself and to give out your own number due to son 's first time living away from home

No, it would be really fucking weird for any parent of a grown man to do that.

Agreed.

My son is ND and moved out at 22. It wasn't all plain sailing at first but he was quite capable of phoning me if he needed help with anything. I can't even imagine anyone thinking this was a good idea.

ERthree · 21/02/2025 09:12

Your Son is an adult and you need to let him be one. He works and he can drive so is obviously able to cope. You had no right to do what you have done. I know you done it through concern but you were in the wrong. Let your son adult.

Yousay55 · 21/02/2025 09:28

It sounds like you’re a typical worried mum that is looking out for her ds. How did the neighbours react when you told them? I would appreciate knowing if it was me and I would be happy to keep an eye out. If the neighbours were unfriendly then that’s different.
Do you think your ds would mind them knowing and keeping an eye out for him? I wouldn’t tell him now, but perhaps in future, discuss it with him first?

tropicalroses · 21/02/2025 09:29

It is inappropriate to tell strangers these things about your son. And hugely unkind to put this kind of responsibility on his neighbours.

MoiraSuppose · 21/02/2025 09:35

thismummydrinksgin · 21/02/2025 08:28

Ah don't over think it. Worst case the neighbours think your a bit batty , best case they ring you when there's a problem x

Where do you live? Trumpton? Thinking someone is a bit batty is definitely not the 'worst that can happen'.