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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking DS’s neighbours to keep an eye on him

106 replies

PlumMaker · 20/02/2025 21:26

DS is 25 and recently has moved in to his own flat which he rents. DS has ASD and ADHD and this is the first time he has lived away from home. DS works full time and drives. When I went over to see DS soon after he moved to his new flat without DS knowing I spoke to 2 of his neighbours. I told them that DS has ASD and ADHD and would that I would be really grateful if they could keep an eye on him but understood and respected their decision if they did not wish to do that. I also gave them my mobile number and my DH’s number in case they need to contact us.

Told my friend recently about what I did and she told me thought I massively overstepped a boundary and I had no right telling DS’s neighbours that he has ASD and ADHD. I’ve not told DS about speaking to his neighbours.

Do you think I was being unreasonable?

To avoid drip feeding I do worry about DS living on his own, he is very isolated and has no friends at all in his life.

OP posts:
OneFineDay13 · 21/02/2025 00:55

OP as a mother I can tell you were coming from a good loving place but yes it's not really your sons new neighbours to look out for your son sorry

Gonewiththesun · 21/02/2025 00:58

I'm guessing op has gone to bed. I hope she'll come back and let us know a bit more info relating to the area and the kind of neighbours they seem (not that you'll know for sure). This is so worrying for her son, and awful people knowing this information without his consent. This will probably isolate him even more too.

JandamiHash · 21/02/2025 02:37

I wouldn’t be impressed to have an adult stranger’s mother impose instructions on me. I’ve enough to be in with and personally have my own child who is disabled to worry about. I know it would be nice if we all lived in a neighbourly world like Trumpton but things like this are very one sided. YWBVU. Nothing you can or should do now though, what’s done is done

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 21/02/2025 03:56

Fuck that. You keep an eye on him and you shouldn't be sharing his medical information. I don't know anyone who would think that would be ok.

TeaAndTattoos · 21/02/2025 03:56

YABU you’ve completely overstepped the mark you had no right to tell complete strangers your sons private medical information how would you feel if your son told your stranger new neighbours about your medical information. I would be beyond furious if my mum did that me. It’s not your disability it’s not your place to tell people about it.

BlondiePortz · 21/02/2025 04:01

so you are worried about your child so now you have crossed a line and tried to put that worry onto someone else and yes the people you told could dismiss this request and just get on with their lives but as people these days cant seem to get out of bed without finding something to worry about so if something happens to your son will they now have to worry that it is their fault

some people cannot just switch off when someones tells them something so if your child is old enough to live on their own they are old enough not to have neighbours worrying about them

TheElvesLongSleeves · 21/02/2025 04:02

Even specially NCd or register for this eh.

Honestly, so much made up crap on MN lately and not even believable ones.

MoodEnhancer · 21/02/2025 04:07

I think it was the wrong thing to do. Not only did you share private information that was your son’s to disclose or not, you placed a burden on his neighbours that they might not want to take on. And as pp have mentioned, you told strangers that your son is vulnerable, which could place him in danger of being taken advantage of.

However I don’t agree with those saying he should cut you off. You were obviously doing your best, even if you got it wrong. I am regularly shocked by the number of people on this site who advocate for the cutting off of family members for the slightest thing.

NewHeaven · 21/02/2025 04:09

As a mum of a child with additional needs myself, I would respect their privacy. I would not have given their private medical information out to random strangers.

Would you like your medical history to be shared with your neighbours? Details of your menopause or other health issues? No, I suspect you wouldn't so respect your son's right to privacy.

Redspottyfrog · 21/02/2025 04:32

Not fair on your son and not fair at all to put his neighbours in that position.

BigMoonRising · 21/02/2025 04:38

I wouldn’t share my adult children’s personal info and business with one of their neighbours (or anyone).

I know you meant well OP.

Also @BlondiePortz makes another valid point.

margeyoursoakinginit · 21/02/2025 04:41

I think giving them your number was fine. Just say "oh DS is one for losing things so I'd be grateful if I could give you my name and number in case he loses his keys and phone!! Thanks so much".

user1492757084 · 21/02/2025 04:51

Fair enough to introduce yourself and to give out your own number due to son 's first time living away from home but you grossly over stepped privacy boudaries by volunteering anything about your son's personality or medical difficulties.

You shouldn't say anything about a person that you would not be comfortable to say if they were right there beside you.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/02/2025 05:03

Fuuuuuuuuucking hell @PlumMaker ... how would you feel if someone told a couple of total strangers your personal, private, medical history?

This would be bad enough if you knew these people super well but you don't know them from Adam! Far from keeping him safe, you've potentially put him at risk!

If someone did that to me I'd be furious - theres at least three people living near me I know for a fact would use that information maliciously, who at first meet seem to be generally OK people!

I am truly astonished you ever thought that was ok!

BlondiePortz · 21/02/2025 05:06

considering MN posters don't want to the answer the door to anyone would seem a bit odd to knock on someone's door and mentioned their child is moving in next door here is their number

do people really knock on neighbour doors when their children move in? people have busy lives they dont need strangers knocking on doors on behlaf of their children, sure naturally becoming friends with your actual neighbours is a good thing and the OPs son may even make friends with them but parents are doing more thinking for their children these days than is healthy

Slimbear · 21/02/2025 05:07

Good idea to tell them. Vulnerable can get preyed on by gangs/ individuals who need a place to stay.

LovelyLeitrim · 21/02/2025 05:25

However well intentioned, you’ve labelled him and the neighbours will now judge him.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 21/02/2025 05:38

That’s incredibly unsafe.

I understand why but it was incredibly naive.

khaa2091 · 21/02/2025 06:05

I think it was very reasonable, but think of the neighbours.

I was living in a villagy small town and a neighbour was asked to keep an eye on the twenty something moving into number 9 by his mother. Ultimately he went on to end his life. Actually his mother took great comfort that everything that could be done was done. It did however place a huge responsibility on the next door neighbour who felt “responsible”.

i would have shared my phone number (which in itself would raise red flags) but not given any more information.

binkie163 · 21/02/2025 06:35

Jesus Christ your poor son. You are sabotaging his independence, you turned up unannounced and then proceeded to knock on his neighbours doors, spilling your guts about him and handing out your number, absolutely unforgivable. How humiliating for him.

Asd here we are not incompetent.

notatinydancer · 21/02/2025 06:37

You really shouldn't have done that.
Apart from massively betraying your son, you have put the neighbours in a very awkward position.

GreyCarpet · 21/02/2025 06:48

I think it was a bit foolish I’m afraid. Do you know these neighbours? They may not be nice or reliable people, and you’ve told them confidential medical information about your son. He is an adult and deserves privacy about this. Plus they now know your son may be vulnerable. You don’t know who else they may tell, how this information may be used or may impact his relationship with them.

This. It was a stupid thing to do.

Nit only that but in the event if them being decent people, you've now given then a responsibility. Some people would think you were ridiculous and think no more of it but, judging by some of the threads I've read on here, there are others who would feel a responsibility to your son and now worry every time they hadn't seen him for a few days.

How are they to know if he is struggling or not? They're not inside his flat. I wouldn't have a clue if any of my neighbours were struggling!

ThePearlBee · 21/02/2025 07:00

Not fair on the neighbours or your son.

GreyCarpet · 21/02/2025 07:01

Slimbear · 21/02/2025 05:07

Good idea to tell them. Vulnerable can get preyed on by gangs/ individuals who need a place to stay.

Yes, and now the neighbours know exactly where to find a vulnerable person, don't they?

These people are strangers to the OP. Just living nearby her son doesn't make them friends or decent people.

There are some awful people out there and they're all someone's neighbour.

DontBorrowTomorrowsTrouble · 21/02/2025 07:02

I have a young adult DS with ASD/ADHD.

I feel sick at the thought of someone doing this to my DS. I’m honestly gobsmacked you thought this was the right thing to do.
That said, if someone came to me after their DS had moved next door and told me this, I would be grateful for your number and would keep an eye on him.