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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SiL punishing dd

115 replies

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:33

SiL has come to stay, dp is away. 3 year old dd had a tantrum this morning which was over in a few minutes and was to me pretty standard tired, hungry 3 year old behaviour. I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.
SiL had brought valentines gifts for the kids, and handed out the older 3 theirs at breakfast in front of dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.
Dd wasn’t at all bothered so I left it but thought it was mean.

Since then dd has as far as I am aware been well behaved. Tomorrow SiL was planning to take youngest two out for a pre booked and paid event but is now is saying she is only going to be taking ds beause dd had been naughty.

AIBU to say she takes none of them or both of them? I don't want to punish ds though

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 20/02/2025 15:35

I would speak to her about how it's your job to parent. She's already punished her by not giving the gift and now wants to punish again? Not her place.
I wouldn't want someone so malicious and spiteful looking after my kids either.

Dinosweetpea · 20/02/2025 15:35

Of course YANBU, stand up for your child.
Not her decision to make.

stayathomer · 20/02/2025 15:35

God yes speak up!

Pjsallday · 20/02/2025 15:35

YANBU. She sounds a right pain in the ass. Has she had no experience around small children?

summersingsinme · 20/02/2025 15:38

I wouldn't let her take just DS but I also wouldn't let her be unsupervised with DD as she clearly doesn't understand how 3 year olds work.

Pretz123 · 20/02/2025 15:38

I'd be asking her to leave.....doesn't sound like someone who I would want my children spending the day with...

Original poster
reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:39

I guess I was thinking as that she may feel unable to deal with dd and obviously can't force her to. It was very nice of her to offer to take them out.
Where's ds is older, calmer and easier and don't want him to miss out

OP posts:
Diningtableornot · 20/02/2025 15:39

Tell this woman that you don't like her discipline style, and it's inappropriate anyway for her discipline your children, and that you can't let her look after your children again or give them presents if she insists on behaving like this. Who does she think she is?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 20/02/2025 15:39

I wouldn't let someone that spiteful take my children anywhere

Diningtableornot · 20/02/2025 15:40

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:39

I guess I was thinking as that she may feel unable to deal with dd and obviously can't force her to. It was very nice of her to offer to take them out.
Where's ds is older, calmer and easier and don't want him to miss out

In which case, she needs to ask you if she can take DS out on his own, and you can consider what's best. If DD is not keen on this aunty, it may not be a problem!

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2025 15:55

If your DS isn’t aware of the planned trip out, then it’s no skin off his nose if you step in and say that it’s either both of them or neither.

Don't let you SIL pick favourites amongst your kids and also Don let her continue punishing either of them. Correction is usually most effective if it’s only done once and not let drag on.

sesquipedalian · 20/02/2025 16:03

“I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.”

So why did SIL feel she needed to weigh in at all? It won’t exactly endear her to her niece, and when your DC are older, don’t be too surprised when one of them either refuses to go out with her, or tells it like it is. I’d tell her that it’s not appropriate that she is now refusing to take DD out to the prearranged event, as she has already punished DD by withholding the Valentines present, which is MORE than enough for a three year old - punishment needs to be instant and proportionate. It was a small tantrum - all little kids have them: she’s making it into a “thing”. I’d be most put out.

NiftyKoala · 20/02/2025 16:05

She wouldn't be taking either of my children. I'd skip the dd must go too because who's to say what she will do or say when you aren't there .

Scottishskifun · 20/02/2025 16:05

A 3 year old will struggle to understand a delayed punishment its also not for your SIL to discipline your children unless they are doing something dangerous in a moment and she's the closest adult.

Simply explain and say we don't delayed punishment it's either you take both or none.

Original poster
reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 16:09

Ds is aware of preplanned trip and excited.

OP posts:
Porcuporpoise · 20/02/2025 16:11

It's fine for your ds to miss out if it's an outing suitable for both children. If it isn't, or you don't think your dd would enjoy it or you don't think your SiL can handle her then by all means change things. But to leave your 3 year old out as a punishment - no fucking way! And this painting her as the naughty one needs to stop right now too.

dutysuite · 20/02/2025 16:12

I wouldn’t want my child to go with her after what you’ve said. If she tried to discipline her again I would have to say something.

Porcuporpoise · 20/02/2025 16:12

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 16:09

Ds is aware of preplanned trip and excited.

That's not really the point.

pinkyredrose · 20/02/2025 16:13

Children get valentines presents these days?🤔

Hankunamatata · 20/02/2025 16:16

Have a talk with sil. The gift thing is a bit mean but I do wonder if she feel she can't cope with the 3 yr old at an event

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 20/02/2025 16:19

Then you can’t punish him for Sil being a twat. You do need to sit her down and give her a big chat about how little children behave, get tired, over excited, react to adults being twats, and how if she wants to be a part of their lives she has to stop being a twat. It’s a Paddington Hard Stare and say, she is just a little kid, she is MY little kid and you don’t get to interfere in parenting decisions. If you do, there’s a Travelodge near by.
Is she DHs sister? Then he does the talk, or both of you.

BodyKeepingScore · 20/02/2025 16:19

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:39

I guess I was thinking as that she may feel unable to deal with dd and obviously can't force her to. It was very nice of her to offer to take them out.
Where's ds is older, calmer and easier and don't want him to miss out

You need to speak up for your DD. She can't learn that your discomfort takes precedence over her needs and rights. Not that a day out is a "right", but at three she couldn't possibly have done anything that warrants being excluded in such a callous way.

It has to be both of them or neither of them. And only if you can trust your SIL not to be mean to her in your absence. Because it really does sound as if she has some sort of grudge against her.

Sassybooklover · 20/02/2025 16:20

Your daughter is 3 years old, she will have completely forgotten the incident the day before, when she had a normal toddler tantrum. Trying to punish her again, is utterly pointless and a waste of energy. She has no understanding, that she's being 'punished' for an incident that happened yesterday!! I can only guess your SIL doesn't have children?! Yes, you need to tell your SIL that your daughter is 3, and therefore doesn't have an adult thinking mind, and will not understand why she's not able to go with her brother. The incident is done and dusted, it's time to move on. If she won't back down, then both children don't attend. Your SIL sounds massively unreasonable and has unrealistic expectations for a toddler.

TheIblisHasspoken · 20/02/2025 16:24

It sounds like she doesn't have children... having a tantrum is not being naughty!!! Nobody should be telling a three year old they're naughty because they aren't able to regulate their emotions!!! You should absolutely being telling your SiL she is being naughty and the children won't be going with her if she continues with this tantrum Grin

Missionimprobable · 20/02/2025 16:28

Don't let her take either dc.
She has no right to punish your dd, prolonging the punishment is just awful, your dd won't remember what she did "wrong" the day before.
I certainly wouldn't trust her with dd.
Stick up for your dd, what are you scared of?
Ds is disappointed, YOU take them both for a day out.
Tell your sil to keep her beak out.