SiL punishing dd

[reallynotthat]

SiL has come to stay, dp is away. 3 year old dd had a tantrum this morning which was over in a few minutes and was to me pretty standard tired, hungry 3 year old behaviour. I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.
SiL had brought valentines gifts for the kids, and handed out the older 3 theirs at breakfast in front of dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.
Dd wasn’t at all bothered so I left it but thought it was mean.

Since then dd has as far as I am aware been well behaved. Tomorrow SiL was planning to take youngest two out for a pre booked and paid event but is now is saying she is only going to be taking ds beause dd had been naughty.

AIBU to say she takes none of them or both of them? I don't want to punish ds though

Why is SIL staying when her brother isn’t even there?

And why does she feel entitled to discipline your child?

Are you scared of upsetting her?

I wouldn't have tolerated her leaving dd out for the gifts never mind her punishing her again. It's not her place. Stop being a wet blanket and stand up for your child. Hopefully your son will be happy to miss out as he wouldn't want his sister treated so cruelly.

Well she’s bullying and scapegoating your tiny child. I’d have torn her head off by now - metaphorically obviously - but I would have and she wouldn’t be near my children unsupervised again.

I'm going to assume SIL hasn't met many three year olds

She's taking it too far and sounds like a bitch

For me, it'd be 'all or none' and don't leave her unsupervised around your DC

God help her if she has her own DC

Your SIL is not an appropriate person to take your kids out unsupervised. I would dial it back a bit, cancel the trip and do something else tomorrow.

Feck she's mean. Three year olds can't help being three.

Not her decision to make

Well it is if she is the one having to take the child out.

I think "because she's been naughty" is code for "because I have no idea how to cope with her".

Let her take your son for the trip out. She clearly is clueless about such a young child and your 3 year old is better off with you.

Gosh, she sounds like a absolute horror. I'd be concerned in case she was mean to your DS when alone with him on the day out. Definitely speak up next time she makes a remark about 'naughty' DD.

And if she has to stay again, perhaps ensure your DH is home to share the effort!

She wouldn't be taking any of my children out without me.
YABU for not reacting immediately to gifts for 3 children & not 1.
I would have collected the gifts in & told her that it was either gifts for all or gifts for none. & if she said none, I'd have put the gifts in the bin.

No one gets to parents my children but me & my partner, their dad. She has massively overstepped, and I would be livid.
Your children need to know you have their back & will always treat them fairly & unless you stand up to her, you are enabling her to behave in this disgusting manner.

I'd probably be asking her to leave.
Your daughter is 3. THREE
She will not understand what SILs behaviour is all about & will just feel left out and discriminated against

SIL is totally out of order

Agree with this for sure, I wouldn’t allow her unsupervised around my child again.

She takes both or none. But in my house if did one more thing like these two then she'd be asked to leave.

@reallynotthat why is sil visiting when dh is away????

I think the OP was answering something in a post that I made.

I would either have a talk with her or knock the trip on the head entirely. Even if she takes her, as soon as something doesn't go to plan she won't know how to deal with it and another, similar situation will arise. This is also a long, drawn out punishment for just being upset, which obviously isn't ok.

You're being unreasonable to let your sister in law behave like this towards your daughter, especially in your own house. You should have put your foot down about the valentine present, and you need to put your foot down about tomorrow.

FFS grow a spine. You know your SIL is being unfair and your DD is dependent on you to confront this.

Nope to taking either of my kids if she behaves like that!

What a horrible woman. It genuinely sounds like she either doesn't like children in general, doesn't like your DD or is one of those awful people who favour one sex over another?
My own mother hugely favours men in all contexts over females. Seems to despise every other female on the planet besides herself.

At this point she's basically bullying your dd. She takes them all as planned or none of them. And she needs telling that everyone's moved on from dds standard breakfast fuss, and if she cannot get past it herself then there's the door.

Protracted punishments for three year olds are arsehole territory, she clearly doesn't know anything about toddlers.
Explain it to her, but nicely.

Even if she's nice to DS, I'd be worried she's pitting DS against DD. Giving DS preferential treatment and teaching him that his sister is naughty and not as good as he is, could set up a very toxic dynamic. I wouldn't allow family to do that.

i'd pull out altogether, she's over stepped & honestly doesn't sound like she's capable of being in charge of young kids.

Have a conversation with her and find out what's going on. You may well be right that she doesn't feel comfortable handling your 3 year old. Which is good to know and I wouldn't want the 3 year old going in that situation. So suck it up this time and plan to do something fun with 3yr old while Sis is out with DS. But don't let her plan to take 3 yr old again if she's not confident, so there's no disappointment. Wait until she's older. Your sis may also gain confidence if you explain about toddlers getting hangry, the metabolic and emotional whirl storms their bodies are going through and tell her how to minimize the chance of it and give her tips on how to handle it.

If, on the other hand, she really thinks 3yr old doesn't deserve to go, stop her from taking any of your kids out unsupervised- that's an attitude that will have, at the least, negative ripples for all your kids.

That is absolutely horrible of your sister-in-law. I can't imagine treating a 3 year old like that. They don't really think too deeply about consequences at that age and, even if they did, it would not be your SIL's place to teach that particular lesson. She needs to butt out. Does she have a general tendency to favour your son? I wonder if she would behave the same way if he was the one who had 'misbehaved.' I would tell her she can take both children or neither. It sounds as if she's the one who could do with learning a few life lessons.

It really doesn't warrant four question marks.

Sisters in laws can be friends and don't need the men there when they meet.