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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SiL punishing dd

115 replies

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:33

SiL has come to stay, dp is away. 3 year old dd had a tantrum this morning which was over in a few minutes and was to me pretty standard tired, hungry 3 year old behaviour. I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.
SiL had brought valentines gifts for the kids, and handed out the older 3 theirs at breakfast in front of dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.
Dd wasn’t at all bothered so I left it but thought it was mean.

Since then dd has as far as I am aware been well behaved. Tomorrow SiL was planning to take youngest two out for a pre booked and paid event but is now is saying she is only going to be taking ds beause dd had been naughty.

AIBU to say she takes none of them or both of them? I don't want to punish ds though

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 20/02/2025 17:23

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/02/2025 17:07

@reallynotthat why is sil visiting when dh is away????

Your overuse of question marks implies she shouldn't be, or that it's weird to want to visit her SIL and nieces and nephews 😳

ShortyShorts · 20/02/2025 17:24

2025willbemytime · 20/02/2025 17:22

It really doesn't warrant four question marks.

Sisters in laws can be friends and don't need the men there when they meet.

Show quote history

Absolutely cross posted! 🤣🤣

Vaxtable · 20/02/2025 17:25

I would e having a word and saying discipline is up to you and DH it’s nothing to do with her. She is being incredibly unfair in giving presents out in front of a child who is then told she can’t have one. Would she like that when she was a child?

I would also advise she she either takes both as Kane’s, or nether

and I would not be having her to stay again unless her brother is home

BlueSilverCats · 20/02/2025 17:27

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:33

SiL has come to stay, dp is away. 3 year old dd had a tantrum this morning which was over in a few minutes and was to me pretty standard tired, hungry 3 year old behaviour. I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.
SiL had brought valentines gifts for the kids, and handed out the older 3 theirs at breakfast in front of dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.
Dd wasn’t at all bothered so I left it but thought it was mean.

Since then dd has as far as I am aware been well behaved. Tomorrow SiL was planning to take youngest two out for a pre booked and paid event but is now is saying she is only going to be taking ds beause dd had been naughty.

AIBU to say she takes none of them or both of them? I don't want to punish ds though

Have you talked to your DH about this? What does he say/think?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/02/2025 17:28

She's massively overstepped the mark. It's not her job to discipline your kids.

If she won't take your DD out, could you take your kids out together to do something nice without SIL?

cheddercherry · 20/02/2025 17:43

Why aren’t you standing up for your daughter?! She’s 3! A tantrum doesn’t need multiple punishments from people that aren’t even to do with the situation that span across two days. Jesus, way to build up some strong sibling rivalry from the get go.

Topseyt123 · 20/02/2025 17:43

I'd be telling her that she takes both children or neither, and that you will be coming too because clearly you cannot trust her not to continue punishing your DD for just being a normal three year old! Yes, I absolutely would tell her all of that.

If you can't go on the planned trip then either rearrange it for a time when you can go or cancel it. If you rearrange then you can always tell DS that mummy couldn't come on the original date, so the trip is now happening on a different day.

Whatever you do, you really do need to tell SIL that it is your business how/if you discipline the children, and that you absolutely don't appreciate her stepping in and needlessly prolonging a punishment for a non-incident that you had already dealt with adequately. Tell her that that isn't necessary or at all helpful so you expect her to back off right now.

sternocleidomastoid · 20/02/2025 17:43

At age 3, punishments should be handed out within 5-10 minutes and last 5-10 minutes, unless something exceptionally serious has happened. She sounds like a loon, and a vindictive one at that.

GabbySolisX · 20/02/2025 17:45

Hold her to account, the same way she likes to hold 3 year olds accountable.

HelenCurlyBrown · 20/02/2025 17:46

She sounds horrible. What is with all the rotten adults on here today? I’d not want her taking any of my children anywhere tbh.

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 17:47

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/02/2025 17:07

@reallynotthat why is sil visiting when dh is away????

Why not????

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 17:47

GabbySolisX · 20/02/2025 17:45

Hold her to account, the same way she likes to hold 3 year olds accountable.

This

Original poster
reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 17:54

We've usually got on well and she doesn't have kids so wanted to avoid causing unnecessary upset. To her and ds, dd doesn't care and will forget about it.

Definitely get that I want to teach dc the right message and that I'll stand up for them though.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 20/02/2025 18:08

Kids before in laws. Always.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 20/02/2025 18:09

WeeOrcadian · 20/02/2025 16:52

I'm going to assume SIL hasn't met many three year olds

She's taking it too far and sounds like a bitch

For me, it'd be 'all or none' and don't leave her unsupervised around your DC

God help her if she has her own DC

I haven't met any 3 year olds and I wouldn't treat anyone like that.

Snugglemonkey · 20/02/2025 18:09

Nobody punishes my children, but me or their other parent.

BackinBlack24 · 20/02/2025 18:14

Tell her she's not taking anyone out if she isn't taking your 3 year old as well it's not her place to decide to discipline your child, what a horrible woman to treat a 3 year old like that . If anyone treated my child like that I wouldn't be half as nice about it as you are .

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2025 18:16

When the kids are in bed tonight and before she goes up to bed, I'd want to have a word with her and say that in the morning, she is not allowed to bring DS out if she isn't going to bring DD out.
DD got her reprimand and it's done and dealt with.
SiL can't carry a reprimand into another day, particularly for very young kids.

PointySnoot · 20/02/2025 18:35

I don't have kids and wouldn't treat my nieces and nephews like that.

She's overstepping - she's not the parent, and it's not up to her to mete out punishments. The fact that she thinks she can do this needs reining in. It would be different if she was very close to you and you were comfortable and aligned on her being 'in loco parentis', but that doesn't sound like it's the case here.

Whilst you can't force her to take all of them, you can point out that you don't agree with her approach, and that if she's not happy to defer to your parenting decisions on behaviour then she won't be taking any of them.

Moonnstars · 20/02/2025 18:41

Have a chat with her. Does she no longer want to take the 3 year old as she has now realised they are harder work than she realised and is now looking for a way to get out of it?
Could you not take the children in her place if she doesn't want to do the activity any more?

I would also speak to her about behaviour. Explain that 3 year olds behaviour was normal and that by stepping in to discipline her actually undermines you. If you have a system at home then explain in (assuming you aren't one of those parents who disagrees completely with children being told off). If you usually give a warning, or time out whatever explain it to her.

MyLimeGuide · 20/02/2025 18:44

She sounds like a nightmare, hope she doesn't stay too long!

AlmosttimeforChristmas · 20/02/2025 18:51

I agree with the poster who wouldn’t want SIL taking the 3 year old out at all. SIL clearly has no understanding of 3 year olds and I wouldn’t want her alone with my 3 year old tbh at all. If DS is looking forward to it let her take him, but not if it will upset DD. I think I would have to have a word with SIL though. Just explaining that if you’re around then please dont discipiline as you’ll do it

Biffbaff · 20/02/2025 19:08

Why are you letting her hand out "punishments" to your children? That's out of order. I wouldn't want DD going out with her now though, because of SiL's behaviour, and I would make that clear. Her vindictive discipline style is mean and unfair.

Chuchoter · 20/02/2025 19:35

If she hadn't said all that crap but had witnessed your daughter having a tantrum and then said to you she had reservations about taking her out without you being there and could she just take her nephew, that would be fine.

Not everyone can cope with a young child having a tantrum.

When the girl is older then she can be not days out with aunty.

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 20:54

You need to explain to your SIL that punishments for children - when they are appropriate and not for having a tantrum, are not ongoing and over 24 hours later. A Childs brain doesn't work that way, a punishment rarely works for a child anyway of 3 years old as they don't understand the punishment aspect and certainly not 24 hours later and they learn little from the punishment. That though is beside the point in this case as SIL is thinking to punish a child of 3 a full on 24 hours after they have "had a tantrum"

If Sil thinks that the 3 year old is to much for her to handle then she needs to say and you can communicate and come up with another plan as ds the older child wants to go - but this punishment business needs to stop and sil needs to realise why her behaviour is not appropriate

Find out from SIl what her thinking is - can she not cope with 3 year old or does she think not taking e3 year old will teach her a lesson - if the later then you'll need to start explaining how things actually work

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