SiL punishing dd

[reallynotthat]

SiL has come to stay, dp is away. 3 year old dd had a tantrum this morning which was over in a few minutes and was to me pretty standard tired, hungry 3 year old behaviour. I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.
SiL had brought valentines gifts for the kids, and handed out the older 3 theirs at breakfast in front of dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.
Dd wasn’t at all bothered so I left it but thought it was mean.

Since then dd has as far as I am aware been well behaved. Tomorrow SiL was planning to take youngest two out for a pre booked and paid event but is now is saying she is only going to be taking ds beause dd had been naughty.

AIBU to say she takes none of them or both of them? I don't want to punish ds though

This. She shouldn't be repremanding them or punishing them.

Perhaps she doesn't understand that

Still carrying it on for another day with a 3 year old smacks of vendictiveness.... what is a three year old supposed to understand from her demonstration of favouritism.. that's what it says.

It also shows that she doesn't know the first thing about three year olds.

I hate to play the "speaking as a mother" card, given that even if the SIL did have children of her own she still wouldn't be entitled to discipline the OP's, but this really goes to show that she hasn't got a clue how small children actually work.

It's cruel to single out a three year old and punish her for behaving like, well, a three year old.

She will have forgotten what she did that was "naughty" by now and she won't even be capable of making the link between her behaviour and the punishment. So it's both cruel and pointless.

I hope the OP has put her SIL in her place and stood up for her poor daughter.

Depend on the kind of person she is and the age difference of the children tell her that it takes a highly skilled and empathetic person to manage a three year old so she isn’t permitted to take dd out on this trip. But, again depending on the age difference between the children, I wouldn’t let her take one and not the other.

Talk to her seriously about how you feel about her essentially “splitting “ the two siblings into good and bad. Its a recipe for disaster longterm and will have a very bad effect on bith children if what she is doing is enacting a to ic family pattern of favoritism and scapegoating.

@reallynotthat - did SiL take your son out and leave your DD behind today?

If you let sil chastise your children now then it will continue each time she visits.. I wouldn’t be bothered if it was a safety issue but no one else should punish your child other than you or your partner.

But it's okay for DD to be upset and over punished?

She wouldn't be taking either of my kids anywhere. If ds is disappointed I'd take them both myself. If you don't put a stop to sil now it will only get worse.

I can't believe that you didn't pull her to one side and say 'Sis, I've already dealt with the problem with DD, she's only 3, and ALL 3 year olds have tantrums, it's perfectly normal, so please give her the gift, as at her age she won't understand why you would give to one and not the other. And in any case, please bear in mind that they are MY kids, and it is MY job to discipline them if they're naughty. Obviously I would expect you to tell them off, if you were alone with them, and they did something silly, but other than that, please leave any punishment to me'.

Allowing her to get away with this, will let her think that she has carte blanche to hand out punishments left, right and centre, to YOUR children! I would also point out, that she should never threaten something which she doesn't plan to carry out, ie., if she's told your DD she can't now go in this trip, then she shouldn't back track. However, in this situation, and bearing in mind that your DD is only 3, it really doesn't seem fair for her to miss out, so if your sister announces that she will take her after all, then I would allow it, but if at all possible insist on going with them, as she clearly has no idea of how to treat young children.

@reallynotthat How did it go, OP?

Of course it's not up to your SIL to punish your child but you should have pointed it out at the time with the Valentine's gift. Stop being so passive. Your DD, your house.

It doesn't sound as if your SIL is used to toddlers and tantrums. It would really benefit your DD if you calmly explained them your SIL. A three year old tantrum is very different from a 10 year old kicking off because it doesn't get it own way.

Also, give your SIL the opportunity to be honest and say she doesn't feel she will be able to cope with your DD if she has a tantrum in public. It can be a bit scary if you are not used to it and SIL doesn't have to use 'punishment' as an excuse.

Exactly, this is UR behaviour on the part of the SIL.

She's mean. I don't think she's nice enough to have your dc without you there.
Any chance of you joining in, with all your dc?

Jesus, she's a bitch, isn't she? I def wouldn't want her alone with my kids. I'd also point out your daughter's behaviour wasn't naughty, it was normal 3 y/o behaviour.

Neither went with her in the end, we did something all together later on which was fine. She has since gone home and will rethink inviting her for so long again.

Good.

So you didn't tell her she was wrong or confront her then? If not then it just means she will pull a similar stunt next time she sees them, regardless of how long she seems them for