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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SiL punishing dd

115 replies

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:33

SiL has come to stay, dp is away. 3 year old dd had a tantrum this morning which was over in a few minutes and was to me pretty standard tired, hungry 3 year old behaviour. I had sorted it and dd was sat nicely eating her breakfast.
SiL had brought valentines gifts for the kids, and handed out the older 3 theirs at breakfast in front of dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.
Dd wasn’t at all bothered so I left it but thought it was mean.

Since then dd has as far as I am aware been well behaved. Tomorrow SiL was planning to take youngest two out for a pre booked and paid event but is now is saying she is only going to be taking ds beause dd had been naughty.

AIBU to say she takes none of them or both of them? I don't want to punish ds though

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2025 16:30

Your sil sounds absolutely clueless. I wouldn’t be wanting her to be in charge of my kids in case she decides to ‘discipline’ them. What happens if they get scared of this and one or both runs off? I would tell her she’s doesn’t understand how to care for children and she’s not taking either and take them on an adventure of your own. Say aunty meanie is having a bad day.

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/02/2025 16:30

I think if you don't think your SiL will manage both children appropriately then it's OK that only DS goes. However, make it very clear to SiL that DD is not being punished, she is not 'naughty' and you are responsible for any discipline that needs to happen.

VioletVX · 20/02/2025 16:31

Stand up for your daughter and stop being such a pushover.

Crochetcamel · 20/02/2025 16:31

Even if she does change her mind, I wouldn’t trust her with alone with my children after treating one of them like that
Is it possible to take them both on the trip yourself instead of sil taking them? Or for another adult to go with her and both children

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/02/2025 16:31

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 15:39

I guess I was thinking as that she may feel unable to deal with dd and obviously can't force her to. It was very nice of her to offer to take them out.
Where's ds is older, calmer and easier and don't want him to miss out

I dont think its nice of her to withdraw her offer for just one child. She seems to have a very autocratic view of discipline. and its not up to her to discipline them or punish them.
What if your DS does something she doesn't like when they are out?

Without wanting to be rude to her, I wouldn't let her take them out unsupervised, she doesn't know what she's doing but she's not afraid to do it.

coxesorangepippin · 20/02/2025 16:31

dd and told her she wasnt going to get hers yet because she had been naughty.
Dd wasn’t at all bothered

^
Fair play to your DD 😂

Your sil sounds trying at best

Jasmin71 · 20/02/2025 16:32

I'd tell her to leave quite frankly.

coxesorangepippin · 20/02/2025 16:32

Tomorrow SiL was planning to take youngest two out for a pre booked and paid event but is now is saying she is only going to be taking ds beause dd had been naughty.

^

Dd:

'Thank God for that!'

LynetteScavo · 20/02/2025 16:33

I wouldn't let someone who was so mean to my DD take her out anywhere.

Lollylolo · 20/02/2025 16:34

Sorry, why is your SIL 'punishing' YOUR DD for something that is pretty standard toddler behaviour, which you had already sorted and dealt with by breakfast time?

Talk about overstepping boundaries...

Cosycover · 20/02/2025 16:34

I'd have told her to fuck off by now. Have you even said anything to her at all?

LynetteScavo · 20/02/2025 16:34

I suspect she feels she couldn't cope with a three year old strop, and doesn't want to take your DD and this is her way of getting out of taking her.

Whatsitreallylike · 20/02/2025 16:37

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all and I wouldn’t be happy with her taking the kids at this point given her over the top reaction to one tantrum, she clearly can’t cope.

Id explain that you’re not comfortable with her taking DD at this point as she clearly can’t manage a child her age appropriately and it wouldn’t be fair to let one child go without the other. I would then book it yourself to take the children another time do that DS isn’t too disappointed.

Maray1967 · 20/02/2025 16:38

Why is this woman still in your house? I would have packed her bags for her and told her to leave, and told DP that she is never staying while I and DC are there.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/02/2025 16:38

Speak to her and tell her both or neither.

DD was not naughty. She had a momentary lapse in behaviour which is over and done with dealt with - by you her mother.

If she isn't happy with how you dealt with it then tell her that's on you not DD. So both kids go to the planned event ir neither. She doesn't get to punish DD again.

Powderblue1 · 20/02/2025 16:39

Yes, speak up. It's not her place

Tiswa · 20/02/2025 16:41

She is massively overstepping and I would be having a word with her about it

BigHeadBertha · 20/02/2025 16:42

I'd give SIL the benefit of doubt this one time. If she is young and childless, she might simply misunderstand what the correct boundaries are here. Tell her that while you appreciate her trying to help, how and when to discipline your children is your call and their father's call only.

Invite her to instead come to you if she has a problem with one of your kids, for you to handle it as you see fit. Or to please step in if there's some kind of immediate danger. But otherwise, punishing someone else's child is overstepping.

Hwi · 20/02/2025 16:43

Stand up for you child, but what are you going to do when you SIL in not around to interfere and your dd continues to be as well behaved as you say she is, in say, 10 years' time?

FriendlyEeyore · 20/02/2025 16:43

She’s sounds insane. I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my children.

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2025 16:45

reallynotthat · 20/02/2025 16:09

Ds is aware of preplanned trip and excited.

Can you go too?

I wouldn't trust her if anything goes wrong

discdiscsnap · 20/02/2025 16:46

I would have pulled her up on the gift and tell her she's not playing favourites the same incident with dd was managed and is over. With regards to day out she may be worried about not being able to manage dd, does dd know she's going? If she does I would say no it's either both or neither. If she doesn't I would agree to ds going but nothing is said to dd about it being a punishment.

BishBashBoomer · 20/02/2025 16:47

I’m sorry, what? I think, as the parent, you or DH need to explain some basic child development facts to SIL then explain she needs to either have empathy and understanding or not be involved. Why hasn’t anyone told her what she is doing wrong yet?

Endofyear · 20/02/2025 16:47

Let her take DS out and you take DD to do something fun for her. Tell SIL you don't appreciate her intervention in disciplining your children and don't have her to stay again!

Happyher · 20/02/2025 16:48

I think you should let her just take DS. She may not have realised how 3 yr olds behave when she said she would take them both and probably isn’t now confident to take DD. Don’t spoil it for DS