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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not know how much to tell the kids?

147 replies

Helpmechooseausername · 20/02/2025 12:46

I currently live with my ex and our 3 kids (16, 14 & 11). It became apparent soon after baby 2 came along that he's autistic and struggles massively with the hustle and bustle of having life. He's been a crap dad, very uninvolved, comes across as very mean, but I've always excused it as he can't help being autistic. I've lived that life for years now and we split up four years ago. The kids have also lived that life for years. It's their normal. I'm basically a single parent and they know I do everything for them. They do have some sort of relationship with him, but it's very sporadic. He does nothing with them apart from maybe taking one or two of them to KFC a couple of times a year.

However, over the last few years he's become an alcoholic. He's always enjoyed a drink and it didn't bother me too much but now he's drinking at least 250 units a week, every week.

I had always decided to stay with him to avoid breaking up the family home and was aiming to do that until the kids have moved on (so potentially another ten years), but his drinking is making him become nastier and nastier and I genuinely don't think I can put up with it for much longer. I'm beginning to actually hate him.

So, my question is this : how much do I tell the kids? I really struggle to weigh up the pros and cons of keeping as much of it as possible from them as they're kids and don't need to know all the details of our relationship or that I think he's an arsehole / them needing to know the truth of what I actually have to live with and why I'm contemplating breaking up the family home?

I'd really appreciate your opinions to help me try to come to a balanced decision!

Thanks all x

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 20/02/2025 12:47

Are you currently together (as a couple, living under one roof)?

Organisedwannabe · 20/02/2025 12:49

You don’t say anything until you have made the decision to end the relationship and told him.

You can’t continue to allow your children to be exposed to an abusive alcoholic, it’s just not in their best interests.

romdowa · 20/02/2025 12:49

Unless your kids are blind then at their ages I'm pretty sure they can see for themselves that he's disinterested in them and that he drinks heavily. They can also see how unhappy you are and just how miserable the home is in general. You probably don't need to tell them much

CatherinedeBourgh · 20/02/2025 12:49

Have you talked to your dc at all about their father's alcohol habit? It must be affecting them too.

Dueanamechange2025 · 20/02/2025 12:53

It became apparent after baby number 2 that he was uninterested and a crap dad yet I went on to subject a third child to this awful situation.

I dont want to 'break up' my non exist family to stop subjecting my kids to an uninterested alcoholic father that I am not even in a relationship with.

On what planet does any of this feel better then a separated family?

bonnymiffy · 20/02/2025 12:55

Either leave or get him out, either way you can’t let this become your new normal. Age 16: Dad’s an alcoholic, use this as an example of what not to do. Age 11: Dad is making poor choices, he could come back if he changes (he might, but the addiction is his first priority, not you and not the children, it will stay that way until he hits whatever for him us rock bottom).

BendingSpoons · 20/02/2025 12:56

I think you need to be fairly honest at least with your older two. You can give explanations e.g. alcohol to reduce the 'blame' on your ex. Your children will be going on to have their own relationships, and I don't think you are doing them any favours making them think the way their dad behaves is normal.

newkettleandtoaster · 20/02/2025 12:57

250 units a week?

Was that a typo?

If not, surely that's not sustainable. That's around 11 beers a day.

Catza · 20/02/2025 13:00

Kids know, you don't need to explain it to them. And no, it has nothing to do with autism. Plenty of autistic people, myself included are involved parents and loving partners.
My dad was an alcoholic and nobody sat me down to talk to me about parents splitting. It was pretty obvious that there were huge issues and I couldn't understand why mum didn't leg it sooner even at the age of 11.

FurAll · 20/02/2025 13:03

As the daughter of an alcoholic I would say your kids will probably be relieved you want him out. His primary relationship is with alcohol, not his family. I imagine he is just as nasty to them.

Please do not normalise an abusive relationship. It is far better for your kids if you end it and role model more positive relationship choices. My mum stayed until I was 16 and my sister 14. It definitely had a very bad effect on both of us.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/02/2025 13:03

Is 250 units per week a typo?

If not, that is extreme alcoholism and the children should not be living around that.

Diningtableornot · 20/02/2025 13:04

romdowa · 20/02/2025 12:49

Unless your kids are blind then at their ages I'm pretty sure they can see for themselves that he's disinterested in them and that he drinks heavily. They can also see how unhappy you are and just how miserable the home is in general. You probably don't need to tell them much

Blind children would notice parental indifference as much as any other children. It's easily done, but please take care not to use 'blind' to mean unaware.
No offence intended, honest.

Whatisthisbs · 20/02/2025 13:08

newkettleandtoaster · 20/02/2025 12:57

250 units a week?

Was that a typo?

If not, surely that's not sustainable. That's around 11 beers a day.

Definitely sustainable sadly...but not for long if it carries on at that rate. OP, I think they probably already have an idea. I shielded my DC from a lot of it, preferring not to tell them the full story until they were much older. My goal then changed to making sure they didn't follow the same path as their (now deceased) father

ChocolateTruffleAssortment · 20/02/2025 13:10

If he’s drinking 250 units a week they will know and you need to be honest with them.

Original poster
Helpmechooseausername · 20/02/2025 13:12

250 units is sadly not a typo. At least 12 large cans of beer and quite often a bottle of wine as well. Every single day. Refuses to accept he's an alcoholic as it's not spirits / he doesn't get that drunk (I've tried explaining it's because his tolerance is so high now but he's not having any of it).

OP posts:
OkayLetMeKnowHowItGoes · 20/02/2025 13:14

250 units per week… so effectively he is never sober as it takes an hour per unit to clear.

I hope he never drives.

Original poster
Helpmechooseausername · 20/02/2025 13:15

We're not a couple, haven't been officially for four years but more than that in reality.

We more or less ignore each other on a day to day basis. He doesn't eat with us very often, doesn't come out with us, doesn't come on holiday with us. The kids and I live our life, he lives his. He thinks he's a great dad as he's there all the time (he works from home and has no friends or hobbies so he only goes out to buy booze and ready meals).

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmechooseausername · 20/02/2025 13:17

Dueanamechange2025 · 20/02/2025 12:53

It became apparent after baby number 2 that he was uninterested and a crap dad yet I went on to subject a third child to this awful situation.

I dont want to 'break up' my non exist family to stop subjecting my kids to an uninterested alcoholic father that I am not even in a relationship with.

On what planet does any of this feel better then a separated family?

Hindsight is a marvellous thing! I was too busy looking after two young kids to see there was a problem.

OP posts:
Dancingatthepinkponyclub · 20/02/2025 13:17

What have you gained by keeping this arsehole in your kids lives? He’s doesn’t have a thing to do with them and is now an alcoholic! Ask him to move out and tell the kids.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 20/02/2025 13:18

Tell him if he is not an alcoholic to go and get a liver function test done, get an MOT done at your GP where they can check his cholesterol and blood pressure. It might shock him into admission and then you could take it from there.

On the other hand the kids will already know he is an alcoholic and it probably stresses them out, they will probably be relieved to be out of the situation and see you more relaxed

Dueanamechange2025 · 20/02/2025 13:19

Helpmechooseausername · 20/02/2025 13:15

We're not a couple, haven't been officially for four years but more than that in reality.

We more or less ignore each other on a day to day basis. He doesn't eat with us very often, doesn't come out with us, doesn't come on holiday with us. The kids and I live our life, he lives his. He thinks he's a great dad as he's there all the time (he works from home and has no friends or hobbies so he only goes out to buy booze and ready meals).

So what does he bring to your life, what exactly will the kids miss or not understand? I am not being an arse, I honestly don't know what you think the kids are getting from this set up?

Original poster
Helpmechooseausername · 20/02/2025 13:19

OkayLetMeKnowHowItGoes · 20/02/2025 13:14

250 units per week… so effectively he is never sober as it takes an hour per unit to clear.

I hope he never drives.

No, not since he drove drunk some years ago and wrote his car off in a farmer's field. Almost killed himself, not to mention anyone else that was unlucky enough to be on the roads at the same time. I've often thought how it would have actually been better if he had killed himself that night.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 20/02/2025 13:22

Imagine how much nicer it would be for your DC to come home to a calm, safe environment every day rather than to an abusive drunken uninvolved "dad". I'm going to suggest that they also worry about the possibility that he's going to just keel over dead one day and they'll be the one to find him.

You are not helping anyone by staying in this situation. You already live a separate life, make it separate houses as well. You can't fix him.

ShodAndShadySenators · 20/02/2025 13:22

Every day in this situation is another day of damage to these kids.

As a kid who had no choice but to accept the living situation put on me by the adults in charge, I can tell you I still feel resentment and anger towards my mother who failed to protect us from an abusive alcoholic (step)father. She could have taken action to change things but she didn't.

Your kids can't get themselves out of this, you have to advocate for them.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 20/02/2025 13:23

So it would be better if he had killed himself in the road accident, but you haven't left him yet, despite the fact you hate him, because you didn't want to break up the family home.

Please, just end it.

No need to tell the kids anything about him - they already know.

Just tell them when the decree nisi is issued, or when you have a fixed date for moving out.