... to not know how much to tell the kids?

[Helpmechooseausername]

I currently live with my ex and our 3 kids (16, 14 & 11). It became apparent soon after baby 2 came along that he's autistic and struggles massively with the hustle and bustle of having life. He's been a crap dad, very uninvolved, comes across as very mean, but I've always excused it as he can't help being autistic. I've lived that life for years now and we split up four years ago. The kids have also lived that life for years. It's their normal. I'm basically a single parent and they know I do everything for them. They do have some sort of relationship with him, but it's very sporadic. He does nothing with them apart from maybe taking one or two of them to KFC a couple of times a year.

However, over the last few years he's become an alcoholic. He's always enjoyed a drink and it didn't bother me too much but now he's drinking at least 250 units a week, every week.

I had always decided to stay with him to avoid breaking up the family home and was aiming to do that until the kids have moved on (so potentially another ten years), but his drinking is making him become nastier and nastier and I genuinely don't think I can put up with it for much longer. I'm beginning to actually hate him.

So, my question is this : how much do I tell the kids? I really struggle to weigh up the pros and cons of keeping as much of it as possible from them as they're kids and don't need to know all the details of our relationship or that I think he's an arsehole / them needing to know the truth of what I actually have to live with and why I'm contemplating breaking up the family home?

I'd really appreciate your opinions to help me try to come to a balanced decision!

Thanks all x

Thank you, and thank you all. A lot of your comments have really hit home. This one in particular brought tears to my eyes.

This nails it.

OP have you ever met an adult who’s said “my Mum/Dad was an alcoholic and my parents had a horrible relationship but I’m so glad they stayed together for my entire childhood”?

A friend of mine’s father was violent to her mother. She left him once and took the 5 kids to a refuge, but she went back, and they stayed together till they both died of old age. My friend still says the happiest time of her childhood was the Christmas they spent in the refuge.

There was another thread recently in which a woman was trying to leave her violent husband, after years of abuse. Her adult son thought she was wrong to leave. After all, he’s been conditioned to think that their relationship was normal, so naturally he’d be thinking his Mum was the bad guy for upsetting the status quo.

I wouldn’t worry about telling the children at this stage - or at least, if I was thinking about that, I would contact a charity like Al Anon to find out what to say when I need to - but I would a) make sure ducks are in a row and b) tell one or two people I trust the most what I am going to do and tell them what I’ll need from then.
Get your finances straight first! Is it going to be a flat / a friend’s house and will they need to move schools?
You will find the form of words to say to them when you are ready to leave him. And you don’t need to say you are leaving their dad for any reason you / he are at fault for, or anything that might sound like you want them to take sides, you can just say you don’t make each other happy any more and that you will both always want to put them first and so will remain in each other’s lives and both come to their graduations, weddings etc.. The truth can come out later, when / if they are readier to hear it.

Has he got good life insurance?

So sorry OP.

Document as much as you safely can.

Get legal advice.

Plan a safe route out.

When you are out and safe, see if you have any capacity to try to get him help.

I find it interesting how many of you describe him as being abusive. To me, that's always described someone who's physically abusive, or so viciously horrible in what they say.

He's not like that, has never hit me or the kids, doesn't scream and shout at us... but then this has made me realise that just being unkind, selfish, uninvolved etc. does still actually count as abuse.

I haven't really discussed his autism on this thread as it's been overshadowed by his drinking. I work in a school and have done for years and have worked with many autistic children. It was actually this experience, and lots of training courses, that made me realise he's autistic. He can't tolerate noise, would literally sit with his hands over his ears at the dinner table, doesn't understand a lot of normal conversation (the kids taking the Mickey out of each other/sarcasm/metaphors), lives in his own little bubble inside his headphones, obsessed with whatever he's obsessed with at that point in time/can't handle being anywhere busy, struggles to hold a normal conversation, doesn't understand why people would like something he doesn't like and vice versa... the list goes on and on.
When I look back at how he was before we had kids, there were a few signs, but nothing major and nothing like he is now. It's like having the kids, which brought noise and 'busyness' to his life, was a huge catalyst in bringing something to the surface that he'd always managed to cope with before.

My dad used to drink probably 300-400 units a week. No that's not a typo - 6 to 8 litres of extra strong cider per day/night (forget a glass of water by the bed when a cup of cider will do instead). He kept it up from the age of 18 to 41 until his heart gave out.

Believe me, your kids know. My parents stayed together despite the screaming rows, the domestic violence (on both sides - my mother once even stabbed my father in the leg). But they stayed together 'for the children' (well one only child - me). Can you imagine the guilt I've carried with me for the past 26 years since he died that if it wasn't for me they'd have split years before and likely he'd still have been alive?

Maybe think about that for a second.

I'm so sorry you've had to live through that. Thanks for posting. My kids lucky don't have to listen to us arguing that much, we pretty much ignore each other now. I'm not saying that's good but their lives are probably better than those of some kids who live with an alcoholic.

Thank you. Believe me though I had that too, as my dad's way of dealing with things was locking himself away with the silent treatment. I was 13 when he passed and to be honest I did think for a long time that my family was normal, and that everyone's dads would hide bottles in the garden 'as a joke'.

Please don't think a lack of arguing is making things any better for your kids. You need to leave, or he needs to leave.

It's had such a lasting impact on my life that I've needed years of therapy and I've never been able to form a meaningful relationship of my own because I genuinely don't know what's 'normal'. Please don't let your kids end up like me.

Oh gosh, please don't feel guilty! My parents split when I was 11 and that certainly didn't stop my dad's drinking or him dying at 45.

It is abusive.

Google adult children of alcoholics. That will tell you what staying will do to your children.

I'm such a child. I resent my mum hugely for staying. It harmed all of us.

Apply for housing with you local HA or Council. Put a claim in for UC.

I take it you have stayed in this "relationship" because you didn't want to give up your school hours, term time job. If I was you I would have got a full time job 4 years ago and either kicked you ex partner out or left and gone to a solicitor to force the sale. Working full time gives you the money to either buy another house or pay rent.

Well, why don't you get OP a time machine and she can do just that? So helpful.

She has been split up for 4 years and living together all this time. No time machine needed.

I wouldn’t give the kids details about why you’re breaking up because it risks them taking sides. We just explained that sometimes relationships change over time and ours had changed and we were going to get divorced. This was to a 9 year old. Then the focus is very much on what will happen to them and their routine - they’re the details they find it most reassuring to hear while they cope with the shock and pain of the first news. My ex is a drug addict. (No judgement please - it’s pain driven and started when a GP said it was fine to have morphine on long term prescription…) When they get to a certain age you may need to tell them he’s an alcoholic, or they won’t understand some of his behaviours. I’d say one devastating step at a time.

They already know.

Of course he's abusive- emotionally, psychologically and financially. All that money he is spending on alcohol could/should be spent on the children, the home, holidays, etc.
Does he have his own bedroom? Your children already know that you live separate lives, they are probably confused as to why it's in the same house.

You need to leave.

my parents stayed together “for the kids”. I can assure you growing up in a toxic environment is FAR more damaging.

they did then divorce in thier 70s just in time to mean looking after DF who now has dementia fell squarely in my shoulders. 🙄

I sincerely wish they had done it years ago. I would have been happier and so would they.

you also can’t expose you DCs to an uninterested alcoholic parent like this

You need to leave this relationship, for the sake of your health, and your children's well-being. It is not a healthy environment. Just tell them the truth, they're not babies. You'll all be better off in the long run

I think your children are definitely old enough to understand. Wait until you are definitely moving out/he is and say "Your dad and I have been living separate lives under the same roof for a very long time, it is sad but we need to legally separate so that we can both move on with our lives. I don't support his lifestyle choices and I can't continue to be associated with them". Simple. Make sure that the children understand that you are separating because of his lifestyle choices re. alchol. Last thing you want is one of the children having an alchohol issue one day as a result of watching his actions and thinking they are acceptable. Good luck.

Hi op,

you don’t really have to say anything else than you will move away for your and their good. They will understand and probably wish for it at times.

Good luck op 🌺

My suggestion is to get your kids to start going to Alateen for support.
You need to go to Al-Anon for you and you need to get legal advice in relation to whether he can stay in the house or if he needs to move out until he gets a grip on his drinking issues.
Get as much support from whatever source you can.

Would you be able to get more work so that you can cover the cost of the mortgage by yourself? Could you find somewhere else to live that you could afford?

I wish you every good thing in charting a new course without him. You can do it. Your kids need you to do this for them.

Sending you lots of support.