... to not know how much to tell the kids?

[Helpmechooseausername]

I currently live with my ex and our 3 kids (16, 14 & 11). It became apparent soon after baby 2 came along that he's autistic and struggles massively with the hustle and bustle of having life. He's been a crap dad, very uninvolved, comes across as very mean, but I've always excused it as he can't help being autistic. I've lived that life for years now and we split up four years ago. The kids have also lived that life for years. It's their normal. I'm basically a single parent and they know I do everything for them. They do have some sort of relationship with him, but it's very sporadic. He does nothing with them apart from maybe taking one or two of them to KFC a couple of times a year.

However, over the last few years he's become an alcoholic. He's always enjoyed a drink and it didn't bother me too much but now he's drinking at least 250 units a week, every week.

I had always decided to stay with him to avoid breaking up the family home and was aiming to do that until the kids have moved on (so potentially another ten years), but his drinking is making him become nastier and nastier and I genuinely don't think I can put up with it for much longer. I'm beginning to actually hate him.

So, my question is this : how much do I tell the kids? I really struggle to weigh up the pros and cons of keeping as much of it as possible from them as they're kids and don't need to know all the details of our relationship or that I think he's an arsehole / them needing to know the truth of what I actually have to live with and why I'm contemplating breaking up the family home?

I'd really appreciate your opinions to help me try to come to a balanced decision!

Thanks all x

I don't think the reason is even necessary.

simply: Your dad and I are no longer and [insert facts here] such as

[dad is moving out]
[this will be on X date/date has not yet been decided]
[you will decide your level of contact with your father]

Clear. Concise. No backsies or lies. Better to say "I wont lie but I'm not prepared to discuss that"

What are your children actually getting out of you remaining in this relationship?

You say you're essentially a single parent, he's mean, he does nothing either for them or with them, he drinks excessively and yet you're staying until they move on? Why? This is a damaging situation for them.

Their father is lazy, unkind and an alcoholic. You need to put them first and throw him out.

Also, being autistic is a bit of a red herring here. None of what you've described alludes to autism to me and I've plenty of personal and professional experience with autism. What you've described sounds like a typical selfish addict...

Thanks for all your replies, I do appreciate it. We didn't marry, so there's no divorce to deal with but the finances are another matter altogether. We own the house jointly with a mortgage. I work at a school to enable me to do all the school runs, clubs and holiday time, but that means I don't earn much at all. He point black refuses to sell the house, but I know I can get a judge to force this to happen if it gets to that.
I just feel so torn about how much to tell the kids. I feel like I'm being made to look like the bad guy if I insist that the house is sold, but I guess I have to know that they'll know it wasn't like that when they're older. I often tell them (sometimes in front of him) that this isn't 'normal' and they should never accept being spoken to or treated in the way he treats me. I know that makes me a hypocrite though, I just can't see how I can get a new home that's not a caravan!!

You are normalising this behaviour to your children: both their Dad's poor parenting and alcoholism and your acceptance of this awful situation

Why on earth are you waiting until the children have moved out to end this? They need a safe, secure and nurturing environment now. Not a home with a disinterested alcoholic

Solicitor for advice and use the turn to us website for benefits info.

Can you not look into shared ownership homes and put your share of the equity. Depending on the equity and share you might be able to purchase one outright. The rent portion is often a social level and you can get UC to help pay that.

My friends mother was an alcoholic when he and siblings were children.

Believe me @Helpmechooseausername they are all damaged adults.

Alcoholics need to hit bottom before they see the problem proving him up is enabling him and abuse to your kids.

I grew up in a similar environment and then as an adult found that I had repeated it. As a kid I was desperate for us to leave but over time I got so used to it that it felt normal and the I accepted it. I am out of that situation now but still stuck with the consequences, like the debt from bailing us out when he spent the mortgage money/bill money, or having to replace things when he broke them. Please show your children that you can break the cycle.

What a miserable bloody life for you, and I guarantee the kids know it's not right.

Are the 16, 14 and 11 bexause I would assume they know an awful lot protecting them the way hi are is making it worse because you are trusting them to handle a truth they already know

Just separate properly.

They are not stupid. They already know.

You can soften it a bit. You don't have to tell them all his problems. You can just say it's better that we live apart and it will make our lives easier/more peaceful.

In these circumstances they are not benefitted at all from you being 'together'.

It's obvious to me that you're trying to hold this all together the best you can without very good options to choose from.

I think that on top of all this, there's no room for worries about "looking like the bad guy," so they should be pushed firmly and completely out of your mind.

Just do the best you can for yourself and your kids at this point in time, as you have been doing all along, according to your best judgement and with the cards you've been dealt. Then be proud of yourself for navigating a rough situation.

Do you think the kids haven't noticed they're living with an alcoholic? It must be miserable for them to come home to that day after day.

You're focusing on what to tell your children OP, but why don't you ask them what they think of him and the intolerable situation you're all living in? They may be relieved to see the back of him - it doesn't sound like he's adding anything to their lives.

I wouldn’t hesitate to blame him, it’s the truth after all.

My exhusband drank 11 beers a day unfortunately . He died in the end

They will know, so you say the facts. You are separating, you wont be living together anymore. If they ask questions you answer honestly and clearly.

What’s happening is you have been normalising and continuing to all live in an abusive household. You’re essentially not rocking his boat whilst casting your kids out to sea to ride out his issues. They aren’t stupid, and they won’t thank you for “keeping the family” under a roof. You aren’t a functioning family, this isn’t normal behaviour from a parent, so why the need to keep you all miserably together. Any court would see that the assets are split and you can get advise on how you can then support yourself and your kids but staying buying your head tiptoeing around him isn’t doing any of you any good.

He must be spending the majority of his income on booze? Surely hundreds a week?

In your shoes I would seek legal advice. As you aren't married I'm unsure of how you would divide the assets and who would be entitled to what. Your children and you deserve better. Show them you are putting them first and start taking action to get out of this situation. Tell your ex you now want to formally separate and live apart and seek legal advice on how to navigate this.

@Helpmechooseausername I’m sorry this sounds so difficult. I have a friend who was in a near identical situation and didn’t end the relationship as she didn’t want to upset the DC or lose her family home. Except that eventually the DC turned on her and blamed her for not leaving him.

She did eventually leave and yes, it was hard for a while. He quite quickly drank himself to death. She has finally found happiness with a decent man but wasted decades of her life that she can’t get back. What she thought was best for her DC most definitely wasn’t.

You ask what to tell them? You don’t need to tell them any new facts, they are perfectly obvious to anyone of their ages. ‘Dad and I are going our separate ways, as you know we aren’t happy together and it will be better for all of us to live separately.’

Given their ages and that they also live with this man I imagine they already know a lot more than you think they do. Tell them the truth, that you mistakenly thought it would be better for you all to live together but you realise now that was wrong because their father drinks too much and doesn’t treat them in a way you agree with.

Wait until he goes out. Change the locks. He’ll come home hammered, shouting the odds, at which point you call the police and say you’re in a coercive relationship with a violent alcoholic. Job done. Don’t worry about what to tell the DC. They already know.

You kids will thank you in the long run for getting them out of this situation. It's damaging for all concerned and will shape your kids future relationships.

Your children have known he was an alcoholic since the beginning