... to not know how much to tell the kids?

[Helpmechooseausername]

I currently live with my ex and our 3 kids (16, 14 & 11). It became apparent soon after baby 2 came along that he's autistic and struggles massively with the hustle and bustle of having life. He's been a crap dad, very uninvolved, comes across as very mean, but I've always excused it as he can't help being autistic. I've lived that life for years now and we split up four years ago. The kids have also lived that life for years. It's their normal. I'm basically a single parent and they know I do everything for them. They do have some sort of relationship with him, but it's very sporadic. He does nothing with them apart from maybe taking one or two of them to KFC a couple of times a year.

However, over the last few years he's become an alcoholic. He's always enjoyed a drink and it didn't bother me too much but now he's drinking at least 250 units a week, every week.

I had always decided to stay with him to avoid breaking up the family home and was aiming to do that until the kids have moved on (so potentially another ten years), but his drinking is making him become nastier and nastier and I genuinely don't think I can put up with it for much longer. I'm beginning to actually hate him.

So, my question is this : how much do I tell the kids? I really struggle to weigh up the pros and cons of keeping as much of it as possible from them as they're kids and don't need to know all the details of our relationship or that I think he's an arsehole / them needing to know the truth of what I actually have to live with and why I'm contemplating breaking up the family home?

I'd really appreciate your opinions to help me try to come to a balanced decision!

Thanks all x

This exactly.

You might think that the kids aren't noticing things or that you're sheltering them but, in reality, you aren't. They see what other family's relationships are like. They won't be oblivious to the drinking (maybe the youngest will be, but the others will be fully aware of what's going on).

If you can't get him to leave the house, are you in a position to leave yourself and start again with the kids?

At this rate, he'll kill himself sooner or later. Better for you to have left before one of your kids finds him that way.

You think you're protecting them, but in reality you and they will be much happier away from him. What he then chooses to do with his life is entirely on him.

I would say your kids know - now you need to figure out how to separate . Are you scared of him ? Do you have a joint mortgage or rental ? Is he largely still there because you need his wage ? No judgement from me - MN though is very good at helping people think through the practicalities

My dad was an alcoholic and my mum always hid it from us and tried to carry on as normal. Deep down I always knew (from around 9/10), but it was this unspoken secret. When my parents split up at 12 and my mum was honest about why, it was such a relief for me to be able to speak about it openly. I'd had all these worries about my dad but didn't know how to voice them.

It also turned me into a people pleaser as an adult - I never learned how to stand up to unacceptable behaviour as I just saw my mum trying to pretend it wasn't happening.

Children are far more aware of what is going on behind the scenes than we give them credit for. Obviously they need to hear things in age-appropriate language, but they need to know this isn't a normal dynamic and they shouldn't have to put up with a situation like this, or their own relationships as adults will suffer.

The kids will know.
Will you be ok financially, op?

You're staying with him to avoid breaking up the family - what family?

There's you and the kids, and an alcoholic lodger. That's not a family.

Your kids only get one childhood.

Please don’t keep putting your dc through this. In my case, it was my mother and dad just let her carry on. It caused endless rows over the years. I have zero tolerance for drunks now and I very much resent how I was less important than alcohol.

Have you got somewhere lined up to go or is the plan to chuck him out?

Whatever it is you don't tell the kids anything until you have got a plan in place and are definitely going to go through with it, from what you've said I'm not sure what you can tell them that they don't already know? They are kids, they're not stupid.

All you have to do is tell them that you are splitting up and this is what is happening going forward, it doesn't sound like a he is a part of their lives at all so what difference would 'splitting up the family home' really make?

I am dispassionately honest with my DD about her Dad's issues. She is 14 and can clearly see the impact of his mental health struggles in the way he behaves so there is no point hiding it from her. I also don't want her to grow up thinking she has to "care for him" because I did. He is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself.

In your case I'd tell the kids you are splitting up because dad is an alcoholic and you no longer wish to live with his temper. It shouldn't suprise them one bit.

You tell him your marriage is over. If he won't leave, you and the children have to. Then tell the children that their father is an alcoholic and isn't able to function as a dad or husband so you are splitting up. There's no point in beating about the bush. They should know that it isn't healthy and you will no longer put up with it but put them first. Be prepared to answer their questions, direct them to useful resources, inform the school and get them, and you, counselling.

Based on what he’s consuming, it won’t being before he’s dying from his alcoholism.

The kids have already been forced to live with his abuse and his indifference, his selfishness and his shit parenting, please don’t make them sit and watch him drink himself to death too.

Please save them, and yourself, from this.

YABU to stay with this vile man, and put your kids through it. You have agency, they don't.
Tell the older ones what they need to hear, but I think you are too late - they know already.

There was a thread on here recently with a child saying how much she hated her mother for staying with her abusive father. Of course she hated him, but her mother more as she had choices and chose to stay.

Don't let your children down for one more day please.

Hi. I had a similar situation when my DCs were 3 and 8. Background: DH had a breakdown and "took to drink". Luckily his family were horrified and realised he could not be around his DC and they took him to their home hundreds of miles away within 10 days.
I struggled with what to tell the DCs. They were much younger than yours but I decided to go with the truth- but not the whole truth. I wanted them to believe that their dad wasn't rejecting them (he was though, because he would not accept any help for his drinking or mental health) and hadn't just fucked off somewhere else so I explained that he had started drinking and he couldn't stop. And that we were all waiting and hoping for him to stop.
He never came home. It took 18 months for him to destroy himself.

At that age I am sure there is nothing you can tell them that they dont know already. It might come as a welcome relief for them. Don't bad mouth him. I told my DS that I could no longer see a future with us both being happy. He replied, "TBH I've always known it would be inevitable"

When the children ask questions answer them honestly and briefly. Children tend to have a good idea of what the answer is likely to be and whether they are ready to hear it. If you stick to giving them just the information they ask for, you won't go far wrong.

This. Kids are not blind or stupid.

Your kids, at their ages, will know so you should be transparent with them.

You also need to offer them a genuine apology for not getting them out sooner. Maybe one day your husband will apologise himself for what he did (if he lives).

By the sounds of it your kids will be pleased to see him gone. They must know he is a piece of crap already.

I don't think it matters all that much what you say to your kids. They live in this situation so I doubt much explanation is necessary.

I'd just get away from your ex as soon as possible. After the arrangements are all set, tell your kids the truth, that you previously felt like it was a little better for them overall to stay under the same roof with Dad. But as things have gotten worse, you've changed your mind accordingly.

Their initial reactions might range from loving this to hating having their lives disrupted or somewhere in between. But you could just tell them that as their mother, it's your responsibility to make the hard decisions. Good luck.

Why the fuck are you sharing a house with this useless arsehole?

What's your housing situation, in both names, just yours?

You mind find support via al-anon (al-anonuk.org.uk/) and Alateen support teenagers who have family issues with alcohol (https://al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/)

That is less than my alcoholic ex drank. Every day. In 5 years he had two non drinking days — and they weren’t consecutive.

OP you either have to remove him or you leave with the kids.
Nasty alcoholics can become dangerous. They feel they’ve nothing left to lose. My ex husband threatened to kill me as he just didn’t care about anything anymore. It was if he lived in a twilight world of alcoholic fuzz where nothing seemed real.
Your older children have probably worked out he’s an alcoholic. All they need to know is you’re protecting them and keeping them safe.

Al-Anon is a 12 Step program which supports the friends and family of alcoholics. There’s a wide range of meeting formats. It’s enormously helpful for navigating the challenges that come up with being the spouse of / co-parent with / parent of kids affected by an alcoholic.

She's very clear about this in the OP.

No, it's not sustainable, that's kind of her point?

What was the logic in forcing innocent children to live in such a horrifically toxic and unhealthy environment?

Theyre going to have very fucked up views on relationship.