... to not know how much to tell the kids?

[Helpmechooseausername]

I currently live with my ex and our 3 kids (16, 14 & 11). It became apparent soon after baby 2 came along that he's autistic and struggles massively with the hustle and bustle of having life. He's been a crap dad, very uninvolved, comes across as very mean, but I've always excused it as he can't help being autistic. I've lived that life for years now and we split up four years ago. The kids have also lived that life for years. It's their normal. I'm basically a single parent and they know I do everything for them. They do have some sort of relationship with him, but it's very sporadic. He does nothing with them apart from maybe taking one or two of them to KFC a couple of times a year.

However, over the last few years he's become an alcoholic. He's always enjoyed a drink and it didn't bother me too much but now he's drinking at least 250 units a week, every week.

I had always decided to stay with him to avoid breaking up the family home and was aiming to do that until the kids have moved on (so potentially another ten years), but his drinking is making him become nastier and nastier and I genuinely don't think I can put up with it for much longer. I'm beginning to actually hate him.

So, my question is this : how much do I tell the kids? I really struggle to weigh up the pros and cons of keeping as much of it as possible from them as they're kids and don't need to know all the details of our relationship or that I think he's an arsehole / them needing to know the truth of what I actually have to live with and why I'm contemplating breaking up the family home?

I'd really appreciate your opinions to help me try to come to a balanced decision!

Thanks all x

Missing the point but I don't understand how anyone can drink that much of anything in a day, it's what, over 8 litres, maybe closer to 10? If I drank that in water I'd be spending all day drinking and peeing and doing literally nothing else, and I'd probably have to stay up half the night to even drink that much.

Your kids already know.
This is their 'normal' and I'd say the damage is already done. Kinda late to be trying to protect them now 🤷‍♀️

Oh love. You know what needs to happen here, you need him gone properly, because the life your kids are currently experiencing is awful for everyone. They deserve better. You deserve better. Picture a calm, peaceful, loving family home without him in it. He won’t change, unfortunately many people with autism turn to drink/drugs because life is hard - but that’s not an excuse.

Your kids already know, btw. Don’t let them be further harmed.
Get the ball rolling with a proper separation and divorce, and then tell them that dad is moving out because the marriage is over.
If they have specific questions then answer them factually but kindly.

Deep breath, op. If you honestly think he would be better off dead then this cannot continue as it is.

If your kids are 16, 14 and 11 they'll be affected by his alcoholism.

DM slipped into real alcoholism when I was around 16/17. My brother was 13, sister 8. It affected us all. The nasty arguments she would have taking things out on me. Turning up to my brother's school drunk. My sister learned to pretty much look after herself.

If he's drinking that much stopping won't be an easy process and if he doesn't get better he'll only get worse. Your kids will be better off away from it.

Your kids obviously already no, and you’ve subjected them to this for long enough. Be honest but don’t slag him off, they are old enough to be treated with respect and they are not stupid, but he is still their dad so just don’t bad mouth him. The sooner you leave with them the better.

At 250 units a week he’s not going to live long. Losing his family may make him realise he’s close to rock bottom.

The kids shouldn't have to live under the same roof as that.

You tell them that their father is unwell and needs professional help, because that's the truth.

Where is he getting the money from to fund his drinking?

To be honest I wouldn't worry about what you tell the kids. The difficult conversation is going to be with your ex. Where is he going to go? If you say "I cannot live with you any more, you need to go and live somewhere else", is he just going to pack his stuff and go??

Others have already said it, but he is going to be dead soon. He needs to not die in your home. He needs to go, and go now. He is not recoverable if he is in such deep denial - he is having over 18 times the suggested weekly limit. This is utterly insane and he must actually be drunk all the time - it is his normal. Steer him to GP/rehab but away on his own. Today. Direct him to www.turning-point.co.uk.

Your children are aware he’s an alcoholic. There’s no hiding that level of drinking.

If he really thinks he’s a great dad then you’ve done your family, kids and yourself a massive disservice not managing his behaviour and expectations better. From your first post I thought everyone involved was on the same page that the family is broken. But from your second post I understand that this might be a shock to him which isn’t great because you do need to manage the next steps and not bury your head in the sand as it seems you’ve been doing. You’re not breaking your family up tho - kindly, your family is already broken and it sounds like you should have taken steps to improve your kids lives years ago. As you say the joys of hindsight and you can’t change the past but you need to change the future stat and hope the damage the situation (including your avoidance of it) has done to your kids can be reversed. Because it will have done damage.

well done for seeing you can’t go on as is. Now you need to address it. Good luck!

Your kids will already know what he’s like.You would just be putting it into a structure and plan for them.
As others have said you need to decide what the options are if you are going to ask them their opinions on anything. They may well find change challenging but giving them a calm environment will be better for you all in the long run.
Are any of your kids ND too?

One of you needs to leave, preferably him. You are not breaking up family life, your kids have no relationship with him, they would probably rather him not be there. This must be damaging your kids and causing you all to be unhappy.

You are unreasonable to have subjected your children, all this time, to living with this arsehole.

How awful for them.

I think you will find the kids are already aware of what’s going on.

Either he leaves or you and the kids do, you can’t allow him to continue to be an example to them

Just tell him to leave and start your life afresh it's not great for your children to witness this.

That is what I thought.

Op, you will have to have a conversation with your children about living apart from their father but sort out what you are going to do and speak to husband first.

He might be better on his own, time will tell.

Good luck.

Where does he sleep?

I can't imagine a situation where having a neglectful, alcoholic hobbit in the house around my children is better than just throwing him the fuck out!

The kids know, they're not stupid.

Get rid of him.

Talk through the logistics of how ending the marriage formally, kicking him out, getting divorced, finances - talk us through this 🥰

You MUST get him out of your children's lives as much as you possibly can

Oh and don't worry about what to tell the children. They already know

The family home is already broken

the bigger question is ‘what can I do to give my children a safe environment and some peace and calm?’

if he ignores them and drinks heavily they’ll see it already. They may even already resent you for not doing enough earlier

Yog need to leave this environment. It's not healthy for the children.
Be honest with them. Tell them he's drinking too much and isn't always kind.

For the love of God separate properly from this man.

yet another woman staying in a shit toxic situations because she thinks she’s protecting the kids by “keeping the family together” yet in reality you’re causing them so much more damage by doing this rather than splitting years ago which you should have done.

Your children aren’t stupid, they know exactly what’s going on and you’re setting awful examples for them as to what a healthy family and relationship looks like. Instead they’re spending every day in this weird set up where their parents live together yet don’t basically communicate or spend time together.

You guys are currently modelling what a “normal” marriage is to your kids. They live in this environment every day—this is their normal. This is what they know a normal marriage to be—are you happy to continue to model this?

Try not to unload your misery onto the kids. If he is as you say he is then his true colours will eventually surface for them to form their own opinion.

Yes you tell them its because of the drinking and you get them counselling (to make sure they dont step into a parenting role and try and save him). One good parent is enough. I can honestly say my dc have done just as well in life with a single parent as those living with 2 parents and if anything I would say they are more resilient and pragmatic. Being honest that life is tough but you can get through tough times is a good life lesson. waiting until dc leave home to split is worse. There are alot of emotions and changes to deal with and it is better to work through that together than for dc to cope with their parents splitting up in a uni hall on their own. Many dc whose parents wait to split dont feel they have a home to come back to, so in my view its better to create a new normal and 2 new homes before they leave.