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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to babysit partner's nephews?

122 replies

zozooo · 19/02/2025 18:36

Me and OH have 2 kids ranging from a 16 month old and a 3 month old.

The family dynamics in OH side is very unusual to say the least.
OH says himself "it's a cold family" as in they don't really see each other or do family events etc.

Anyway he is close to 1 of his siblings and this sibling has multiple children with various people.
I find the sibling very strange in the fact that they have not attempted to make any kind of effort with me in the decade that I have been with OH.
I have maybe met them a handful of times.

Anyway the sibling has young children who are 2 and 4 and has now asked OH to ask me to babysit.

I find this quite rude and cheeky seeing as I have never even met these kids before (OH had met them a handful of times).

I am very fortunate that I work from home and hours that suit me and I can be at home with the kids, we have recently moved to a larger property so obviously this sibling expects us me to baby sit frequently and do sleeps overs so that they can go out clubbing.

I have told OH I'm not doing that as it's like using someone.

Baring in mind this sibling has only seen out kids two times, doesn't really make the effort.

OH has gone out of his way to see his nephews but isn't reciprocated by the sibling.

Of course I want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins but I think this sibling needs to make more of an effort.

I has told OH if he wants to babysit he can but not to expect me to get involved.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Goldbar · 20/02/2025 10:55

To be helpful, I think I'd ask your DP to pass on two pieces of advice to his brother.

The first is that if you've had a rough and tiring night with the kids, it helps to go to bed early the next day.

The second is that vasectomies are free on the NHS.

Maybe add a "HTH".

Bananalanacake · 20/02/2025 11:11

Oh, another condom refuser, I have no time for them.

BeaAndBen · 20/02/2025 11:24

I think my response would be, "No, I won't babysit, but I will drive you to your vasectomy appointment if you like."

A pair of bricks would do the job.

@zozooo , your partner is off his bloody head to offer up YOU as babysitter to his feckless waste of a brother.

Original poster

zozooo · 20/02/2025 14:05

The brother is a real piece of work, a real stirrer and selfish was they come.

Since we have had our own DC he complains about OH not being able to see him as much.
He doesn't understand what being a father means, he leaves all his kids parenting to the mothers and expects OH to do the same, this also has caused massive arguments due to his stirring.

The funny thing is that BIL is very wealthy and has the means to pay for a professional childminder, he just doesn't want to put his hand in his pocket as he has to pay maintenance for 6 children.

Some of BIL's kids who are late teens ask OH for money and help all the time as BIL is just an awful father to his kids.

OH has approached me about one of his nephews who is 15 to come and live with us (lives with MIL but she is selling up and moving to Spain) so the nephew will have nowhere to go (BIL is away alot).

I told OH he needs to put his own kids first, and I am not willing to get involved with parenting other people's kids.

OP posts:

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 20/02/2025 16:32

Christ on a bike… I’m starting to see why you say the whole family is messed up

Absolutely no to babysitting so he can go clubbing ffs he can do that thing we call parenting even when we are tired or sick

Poor 15 year old nephew though

ThePartingOfTheWays · 20/02/2025 16:38

zozooo · 20/02/2025 14:05

The brother is a real piece of work, a real stirrer and selfish was they come.

The funny thing is that BIL is very wealthy and has the means to pay for a professional childminder, he just doesn't want to put his hand in his pocket as he has to pay maintenance for 6 children.

Some of BIL's kids who are late teens ask OH for money and help all the time as BIL is just an awful father to his kids.

OH has approached me about one of his nephews who is 15 to come and live with us (lives with MIL but she is selling up and moving to Spain) so the nephew will have nowhere to go (BIL is away alot).

I told OH he needs to put his own kids first, and I am not willing to get involved with parenting other people's kids.

And what did OH have to say to this?

thomasinacat · 20/02/2025 17:10

I just watched Miss Austen, this reminds me of the episode where Jane is trying to rescue Cassandra from being an unpaid nurserymaid to their brother's children. Why exactly do these 2 men think this is in any way your responsibility, and what century are they living in!

outerspacepotato · 20/02/2025 17:32

You BiL could stir all he wanted, and it wouldn't matter if your partner had your back. But he won't shut him down because he doesn't have your back and he agrees with bro that you're built in childcare for his family's offspring. He's a misogynist. He also doesn't accept your no.

Your partner is the problem.

pikkumyy77 · 20/02/2025 17:45

Tell your OH that you appear to be the only woman in greater London who has not gotten pregnant with BIL’s child and you are not planning on mothering any of his other children.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/02/2025 20:30

Goodness me, just re-read your comments to see how young your own children are - they're babies!!!

That makes it even WORSE that your OH has volunteered your time. Your youngest is a wee baby!! 12 weeks old!! And you're working as well as looking after two babies and only just getting over childbirth.

Your OH has an absolute fucking audacity to volunteer you for this. I'd be seeing red.

LivelyHare · 20/02/2025 20:44

You have a massive partner problem, OP. He puts everyone above you.

craycray431 · 21/02/2025 03:51

Yeah def an OH problem. Sorry.

NameChanges123 · 21/02/2025 05:32

Rainbowqueeen · 19/02/2025 21:09

Just say no.

He's a lazy dickhead who doesn't want to parent his own DC and sees parenting as women's work. He also doesn't care how tired you might be, what with your own DC that you have living with you full time or that his contact time is for him to spend with his DC, not to offload that responsibility but still take the reduction in child support.

Your OH can do what he likes but I would not be involved at all.

This sums it up.

Cheeky fucker.

craycray431 · 22/02/2025 00:16

Any updates, OP?

DorothyStorm · 22/02/2025 00:21

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 20/02/2025 16:32

Christ on a bike… I’m starting to see why you say the whole family is messed up

Absolutely no to babysitting so he can go clubbing ffs he can do that thing we call parenting even when we are tired or sick

Poor 15 year old nephew though

Yes poor kid.

Nope from me too. He hsd the means. I wouldn't be helping a selfish arse.

Original poster

zozooo · 22/02/2025 18:11

Update:

So basically since I told OH that I would not be babysitting he has had the funnies since then.
Very argumentative and moody.

I explained to him again that his brother is basically a user and he needs to grow up and under no circumstances will I babysit for his nasty brother.

Before we had DC his brother would always expect OH just to drop everything for him, and OH did always drop everything (including me) for him.

Now that DC are born it's different as OH has responsibilities and he can't do that anymore as he has young children.

I know BIL makes OH feel bad about this hence why OH feels that I should babysit as a way to make himself feel better for "neglecting" his brother.

We have a lot of agreements about his brother and it's the one thing we argue about.
Before I was civil to his brother but now after this I will make it be known I don't like him and I won't be doing him any favours in the ever future.

OH is off out tonight with his brother, no doubt to moan about how awful I am.

OP posts:

Mnetcurious · 22/02/2025 18:15

zozooo · 22/02/2025 18:11

Update:

So basically since I told OH that I would not be babysitting he has had the funnies since then.
Very argumentative and moody.

I explained to him again that his brother is basically a user and he needs to grow up and under no circumstances will I babysit for his nasty brother.

Before we had DC his brother would always expect OH just to drop everything for him, and OH did always drop everything (including me) for him.

Now that DC are born it's different as OH has responsibilities and he can't do that anymore as he has young children.

I know BIL makes OH feel bad about this hence why OH feels that I should babysit as a way to make himself feel better for "neglecting" his brother.

OH is off out tonight with his brother, no doubt to moan about how awful I am.

Good for you. Stick to your guns! Your husband and especially your bil need to realise this is a completely unreasonable expectation.

LAMPS1 · 22/02/2025 18:27

I think you are really very good at standing firm OP. That’s admirable.

You have given your partner a lot of grace to come round to seeing sense now that he’s a dad. No doubt that he is smarting from your new boundary.
But he has more work to do yet.

If he doesn’t step up a bit more and show his useless brother the error of his ways and furthermore, show his own allegiance to you as his partner and mother of his children, then I would stand firm all over again and give him another good talking to. He can see his brother sure, but he may not talk badly about you behind your back nor take advantage of you in any way.
In fact your OH needs to work very hard now, to earn back your trust.

Comfortablycosy · 22/02/2025 23:19

So basically since I told OH that I would not be babysitting he has had the funnies since then.
Very argumentative and moody.

So now he’s punishing you for refusing to do free childcare for his brother. If this continues I’d be rethinking this relationship. Its horrible for children to be around adult men who are using moods as a method of control.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/02/2025 00:20

Can you really be arsed to stay in a relationship with your OH?

He sounds a shit.

Codlingmoths · 23/02/2025 01:32

This is not good op. Have you any nieces or nephews on your side? Ask your oh if they can be dropped around weekly for him to look after. When he says no say oh great now can I be in a shitty mood with you since you are a selfish turd for not being my sisters childcare, or is that a one way street? Relationships aren’t a two way street and you’re being a sulky child not an adult partner, I have no obligations to your brother and I’m not your service human. Snap out of it, show that you have some respect for me or I will start thinking I have no obligations to you either.

Codlingmoths · 23/02/2025 01:32

Relationships *are a 2 way street

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