Is it really that common to be a grandparent in your late 40s?

[AntiHop]

A few times recently, people have made the incorrect assumption that my 3 year old dd is my grandchild. I'm 47.

This really surprises me, as in my social group, and my family, no one has become a grandparent at that age. Not a single one of my friends had their kids in their 20s. (I have met people who've had kids in their 20s since becoming a parent myself.)

I definitely don't look older than I am. I'm lucky that my skin is doing well. If you lined me up with the friends of my age, you'd guess we are all 47ish. Perhaps people perceive me we older as so many people have cosmetic procedures now, changing the perception of what someone looks like at my age?

I do appreciate that I'm an older mum. Of the friends I grew up with, several of them had babies after my three year old was born.

This is nor meant to be a debate about the rights and wrongs of being an older mum. I'm just curious to know - if you saw a 47 year old with a 3 year old, would you assume that's the grandmother without it crossing your mind that she could be the mother?

I know one person who is a grandma in her mid/late forties and know one person who had her second baby at 45.
So clearly can be either or even both!
Depending on where you live or who you mix with chances of older mum versus young grandma maybe higher than the other.
Having a baby in your mid 40s is on the right on the cusp of natural fertility.
So maybe people aren't entirely sure but should probably keep quiet until they know!
I think nowadays there are probably more mums of toddlers in their mid/ late 40s than grandma's but have no stats to back this up, but celebrities having babies late in life is certainly widely reported.

I didn't say one way needs to win.

Just that it's astonishing how much judgement there has been of younger mothers on this thread despite the biological reality that it is a better time to have children

However, older maternal age is associated with substantially increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities. And older paternal age is associated with increased risk of autism and schizophrenia.

(Plus there's the fertility dropping and pregnancy and birth risk being higher)

I had my only child at 42, my mum became a grandmother when she was 42

I had my son at 20 in 1988. Mum was 47 Dad was 46. Seemed normal in those days to be grandparents but also my brother was only 9 at the time so they were older parents/younger grandparents

I could be and hope I won't be (had DS aged 23). But I do remember meeting a late 40s GM at the swings when he was little, and being so struck by her vitality and enjoyment. She didn't seem defined by the role but just enjoyed some time with her GD.

Not in my circle. Most had their kids in their late 30s and early 40s.
Mind you a Tesco delivery guy did ask me if I had grandkids - I said 'no my kids are 9 and 11'! He compounded his faux pas by saying he knew people younger than me who were grandparents- fair though as I was 52 at the time (but I was outraged as I didn't think I looked it).
Oh and the reason he asked was he was giving away some ice lollies. Though come to think of it he didn't give them to me even though my kids would have liked them!

Why does it sound grim?

@Gogogo12345 You might be responding to the wrong poster.

I didn’t say that it sounded grim, I said that the COL prevented my DH and I from having kids in our 20’s, because we couldn’t financially provide for them until later (plus if I’m honest. I wasn’t mature enough to parent until my 30’s).

That was over 20 years ago and I think it’s even harder now for 20-something’s to provide a home and adequately support a family, because rents/mortgages are so high.

I mean thats just neither here or there, you are fertile in your 20s and 40s. My eldest sister had her first at 18 and in the same month, my mum also had a child. My mum was 40.
However my sister only became a grandmother at 48 cuz my niece had her first at 30.
Imagine, had my niece had her first early , my sister could've been a grandma in her 30s.
So, I persume nothing.
Both is likely and nothing to do with how you look.

This.
In professional London, I would assume you were his mother. We were the youngest by far in our NCT group at 33.
In the North West at the same time my SIL was the oldest in hers by 6-7 years and accompanying grandmothers were late 40s-early 50s.

I was a Nursery teacher.we learnt not to judge as all ages came to collect

i was 42 when my eldest GC was born. They’ve now just started driving lessons.

A friend is late 40s and has this week been made a grandparent.

It is common to be late thirties where I live. 🤣

My husband and I were 23 when we had our first child. His parents were the same age when they had my husband, making them grandparents at 46. I think it's great, if our son follows the same pattern they would be great-grandparents at 69. I love the idea that we would be young enough to really enjoy our grandkids, and also that our kids will be mostly grown up by the time we are 50 (had third and probably last child at 30).

Probably get flamed for this, but I think having kids in your early 20s is optimal.

It depends on your social circle, life experience, neighbourhood etc but certainly if I saw a fifty year old with a toddler I would never assume it was the grandparent.

I'm MC/UMC and a a highly educated professional living in a wealthy area and I would definitely assume a 50 year old with a toddler was the grandparent because biologically it's the far more plausible scenario

I think it is optimal in terms of health and energy. It’s a balance though between that and security, I didn’t have kids till my thirties as I wanted to be in a stable job, finished education, married and a homeowner. It’s much harder to get a mortgage through if you have dependents nowadays.

I don’t think anyone is really saying that being a grandmother or mother at a certain age isn’t statistically true for the whole country. We don’t know everyone in the county and we can only base it on what we see every day.

Where I live (and yes it’s bougie north London), it would be very unusual to be a grandmother so young. I don’t quiz parents on their ages at nursery, but they all look in the 35/45 age bracket (apart from one father who is 55). The youngest mother in my NCT class was 37 and the oldest was 45.

It’s obviously not typical of every town in the UK, but you can only really make a judgement on your experiences and mine would be to think of the OP as a mother, being a grandmother wouldn’t have crossed my mind!

Probably in terms of biology yes, babies are likely(?) to be physically healthier and births easier?

But early 20's is barely out of school.
I didn't graduate (long degree) until I was 23. Then I worked abroad for a couple of years in fashion design, then came home & I had a great time for 2 decades, working, marrying, divorcing, dating, masters, travelling, lived in a few different places, bought a decent house in a decent area (all paid off now) etc.

I like children and I love my child, but I don't really like the drudgery of parenting. I love moments like splashing in puddles, covering ourselves in paint (ironically I think I'm much more immature than a lot of mums!) having fun together, the tender moments, spending time just hanging out, the cuddles, funny conversations and bathtime.
But the constant tidying, meal prep, admin, never leaving the house without bags and bags of stuff, having to chase down missing gloves, hats, wellies and coats, the complete lack of freedom is so fucking dull. I imagine having a school age child all that stuff is even more boring.
I had a creative career which paid the bills but wasn't particularly stable as I worked for myself, now I have to have a better paid job, which I do enjoy and is interesting, but I'm stuck on my bum in front of a screen because that's what pays the best within my skill set, and that's not really what I wanted my life to be, it's not creative or fulfilling in the same way now I have a boss and work on a computer all day. So I'm really glad I can look back and think, yes I did do what I was born to do at one point in my life, I did try and I did get that chance.

I have no judgement at all about when other women have children (I don't agree with surrogacy and I'm not very impressed by rich old men having second or third families with women young enough to be their grandchild, I do judge then ) but everyone else do your thing.

I think being a mother is an incredible thing to do, and we should all be supporting each other. Because the role is huge and encompasses so much, going into it when YOU are ready is much more important than your DOB.

But I personally would have been devastated to have been a mother in my twenties, absolutely gutted.

I think if you're the type of family that are very close, all live close together and the expectation is that you finish school/uni and then you marry the boy next door and have children, can afford to buy a house, then maybe having children doesn't feel so limiting? I come from a family that is the opposite so that's what I'm influenced by.

Also wasn't bothered about having my own biological child, so the clock ticking or meeting the right man/father wasn't really something I ever thought about.

I had two degrees, a successful and fun career and plenty of travel under my belt by the time I had my child in my twenties. I was a homeowner and we continued to travel and have adventures with our children. The last thing I felt was gutted. I will be young enough to have heaps more adventures when they reach adulthood. Indeed my own parents will still be having adventures when their grandchildren are grown up! I live over 300miles from where I grew up, so am not someone who never left the village they were born in.

People having children in their twenties don't all have small lives filled with drudgery. That's a really rude and judgemental stereotype. I loved being a mum and I loved and love travelling and exploring the world with my children. Maybe your world became very small and dull when your child was born but I feel the opposite.

But yes, if you didn't have a burning desire for children that's different, it's a understable gamble to take (although you are gambling with their health as well as the likelihood of having them). But for those of us who know we definitely want them then it makes sense to not postpone till late 30s/40s.

This thread has at least helped me understand why some of the older mums at toddler group looked at me and my other twenty something mum friends like we were some kind of pond life. It obviously didn't cross their minds that we might also be highly educated and well travelled professionals.

I remember one time the lady running a baby group asked me what I did for a job and the snotty mums were properly shocked when I said. (And I downplayed how senior I was as well as I am not really into bragging).

It's bizarre that despite being purportedly so well travelled and sophisticated some older mums lack the imagination to realise that not all twenty something mums married "the boy next door" and live a life of dull drudgery (not that there is anything wrong with that anyway, I know some amazing and interesting people who have taken that route).

I’m sorry that happened to you @madamweb. I was lucky, young mums were far more common when I had mine.

I had a lovely group of friends too, don't get me wrong..I was just always baffled by the handful of much older mums who seemed to see me as some kind of teen mum. My children were planned and much wanted and I was well travelled, well educated and financially stable by the time I had them.

(and some of the older mums became my best friends, it wasn't all of them by any stretch.who were like that. I just find it interesting that we are being told that all that life experience makes an older mum so much better yet some of them are writing descriptions of younger mums that are really judgemental. What's the point of all that travel and life experience if you haven't gained any wisdom from it)