Is it really that common to be a grandparent in your late 40s?

[AntiHop]

A few times recently, people have made the incorrect assumption that my 3 year old dd is my grandchild. I'm 47.

This really surprises me, as in my social group, and my family, no one has become a grandparent at that age. Not a single one of my friends had their kids in their 20s. (I have met people who've had kids in their 20s since becoming a parent myself.)

I definitely don't look older than I am. I'm lucky that my skin is doing well. If you lined me up with the friends of my age, you'd guess we are all 47ish. Perhaps people perceive me we older as so many people have cosmetic procedures now, changing the perception of what someone looks like at my age?

I do appreciate that I'm an older mum. Of the friends I grew up with, several of them had babies after my three year old was born.

This is nor meant to be a debate about the rights and wrongs of being an older mum. I'm just curious to know - if you saw a 47 year old with a 3 year old, would you assume that's the grandmother without it crossing your mind that she could be the mother?

Well, I was 46 when I had mine and I'm certainly claiming to know it all. Always be suspicious of anyone who thinks they do!

I think younger mums are infinitely cleverer than me. I wish I'd got my life together and settled down younger but I didn't and then took ages to make my daughter. I feel bad about being so old but she is here and we love her. My judgement is poorly of myself and envious of younger mums.

Maybe there should be a mumsnet page for over 40s geriatric mums. Or would we all complain about our knees or something?

So you believe anecdata over raw facts?

My children's grandparents are young enough and fit enough to take them skiing and sailing and on long walks over the hills. Their great granny was still skiing twice a year when they were at infant school . Again, that doesn't in and of itself work as a proof that younger Parenthood is better.

All the evidence shows that with age comes huge drops in fertility, significantly increased risks of pregnancy and birth complications and substantially higher risk of autism, down syndrome and all sorts of other conditions.

Personal stories are just that. They don't suddenly make it sensible to delay starting a family till your 40s, it's a huge gamble if it's something to y really want to do. Personally I am thrilled my children will have their grandparents around untill they are well into adulthood and that they knew their great grandparents well too. It feels like a real privilege.

I dont judge anyone who has struggled to start a family. My heart goes out to them. I don't even judge people who postponed because they didn't feel ready or whatever

but I do judge anyone who thinks it is silly or lower class or a sign of a lack of education to have children at a sensible biological age.

Not anymore, more likely to have a child in your 40s than your teens nowadays.

But also, it wasn't that long ago that you might be a mum to young kids and a grandma for your older kids. Certainly common in my grandfather's generation (between WW1 and WW2).

I know more mum's in their 40s with young kids, than in their 20s. But that's because of my own age/ friend groups. Found it a pretty broad mix across baby and toddler groups.

I'm sorry @AntiHop but if I saw someone knocking the door of 50 - with a 3 year old, I would absolutely assume they were the grandparent. Whilst its not necessarily hugely common to be a grandparent by your late 40s, it's more common than having a toddler in your late 40s. That's for sure.

(And everyone looks roughly looks their age, so you will look mid 40s minimum, so it's hardly surprising really that people think you're the grandparent of a 3 year old.)

But it's literally my family, my biological history. Why would I take raw statistics over my own family's medical history?

I've said numerous times, each to their own. Your family works for you, mine for me. Does one way of doing things need to 'win' ? That seems an odd way to look at the world. After all, variety is the spice of life.

@Babycatsarenice I'm sure that's not the case. There is no right way, I personally think there are pros and cons to both having children younger/older. I think people are just biting back at the uncalled for digs at young mothers.

In 2021 (most recent year where I can find info) only 1471 children were born to women aged 44, and 784 to women aged 45. So the number of women who are actually in their late 40s and have a 3 year old is very small. Maybe there are some women who look older than their age, but not all that many women have babies over 40, and you'd have to look very old for your age to be late 30s and be read as late 40s.

About 45000 babies were born to women between 21 and 23. Many of those women will have mothers who were much older when they were born. But quite a lot will have mothers who were a similar age. Then there are women in their late 20s whose mothers had them as teenagers, etc.

There are also a lot of very well preserved slightly older women who could easily pass for 47. So some of the potential 47 year old grandmothers of 3 year olds might really be in their early 50s. There are close to zero mothers in that age category.

So, yes, independent of social and geographical context, it's more likely that you're the grandma.

At my son's first school, I became friends with two great grandmothers who did school pick up. The mothers and grandmothers (40s, like me) were too busy with work. And some people thought I was the grandma, too, even though I was only 41 when I last had a three year old...

My mum was a grandma at 42.
So at your age I'd wonder but wouldn't assume either way.

I know 3 women from school who are grandparents at 42.
I don't think it's that unusual to be a grandparent in your 40s.

I was made a grandmother at 42, I was always complimented on my son when I was out pushing the pram - he's 18 now

All of this. ^

And I have to say, it's extremely unusual for a family to have 4 or 5 generations of women not having their first child until their 40s. That would be the exception rather than the rule. Never known this happen. As you say, it's not sensible to delay parenthood til your mid 40s, at all, for a multitude of reasons. And people may not have said they think you're the child's grandparent if they see you with a toddler when you're 50, but many will think it.

@hopsalong · Today 22:04

In 2021 (most recent year where I can find info) only 1471 children were born to women aged 44, and 784 to women aged 45. So the number of women who are actually in their late 40s and have a 3 year old is very small.

Exactly this. Despite the amount of posters on MN who claim to not have their first baby til 43-44 or older, and their last one at 48-50, it is NOT common for women to have their first baby over 42-43. (OR have a baby past 45-46.) It really isn't! So yeah, of course people are going to assume that a women of 48-50 with a toddler is the child's grandmother.

That’s part of the problem you read Mumsnet and think everyone and their dog is having babies someday in their 40’s they are not the figures are very low per year. False sense of being able to wait too long.

It is likely that this is the reason for the huge increase in SEN. I had my youngest at 35 and was informed that there were increased risks of disabilities. Had my eldest in my 20s, eldest is thriving and always been advanced with development/academics. Youngest has autism and development delay.

I adopted a baby when I was 46.
Baby's birth grandparents are younger than me I hope she doesn't regret been adopted by an old fart rather than having a young energetic mum.

Not been mistaken for her grandmother yet, but I'm sure I will when she starts school by some kid at some point.
I don't think I look that much older than some of the other mums, I live in an area where people tend to have children later.
I think I do dress like I'm stuck in the 90's so that probably works against me....

I gave birth to my 4th and last child at 39 , 5 months later I became a grandma. Im always mistaken for my granddaughters mum and people looked surprised I'm her grandma .

Exactly this. And it's dangerously misleading. Leading women into thinking they can delay motherhood til their mid 40s, and it will happen 'just like that!' with no issues, or problems conceiving, or with the pregnancy, or with the child.

As you say, in real life, not that many women have their first baby past 42-43.

Come and live with us OP. My part of the UK has the oldest mothers in the UK. You’ll be a spring chicken here! Or at least assumed to be mum! Four women have had babies on my road in the past few years and all have been in their 40s.

Seriously, I know absolutely nobody who had kids in their 20s in my social group now. Housing is expensive round here so that’s probably why.

Having kids young is a lovely thing though and the natural way of things biologically speaking. I got pregnant at 35 and 39. I sometimes feel sadness for leaving it late but then I think back to the men I was attracted to in my 20s …

My 6 year proclaimed today that I was nearly a grandma because I am nearly 50 and that it wasn't possible to be one before then.

In my circle of friends and at school gate most mums are late 30s/40s and no grandparents in 40s so I would probably assume you were the mum

My sister is about to have her first ….she is 2 years older than I made my Mum a Granny at 44. My Granny was 37 when I was born!

I’m now 47 and can’t see me being a Granny for at least another 5 years minimum (pending any surprises)
Close friend has just had a baby at 47. Even though I was 30 with my second I still was one of the younger Mums at the school pickup - times have changed. It seems most people I know having children are mid to late 30’s or very early 40’s.

Friend of mine from school became a grandmother aged 34.

And that's fine if they think it, what does it matter? Same as it doesnt matter if it surprises me that a 40 something is a grandmother, we just have different experiences of family set ups.

The OP asked if it was common to be a grandparent in your 40s. In my experience I wouldn't think a 40 something was the grandmother, in others' experience they would. Neither right or wrong, just informed by personal perspective.

And you do know of 4 generatinhs of 40 something mothers now, all things under the sun!

“…for a woman over age 35, the chance of having a child with autism is lower than for younger women.”
https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/link-parental-age-autism-explained/

“…young mothers more often have children with ADHD.”
https://academic.oup.com/ije/article/46/2/409/2617180