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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this arrangement fair do you think?

125 replies

Yearss · 19/02/2025 07:49

To begin, we are not married as I don’t want to be yet as we’ve not been together a long time and I also have some potential family wealth (not loads but more than he would have). This thread isn’t about marriage.

DP works in a very intense job but is also highly paid. In contrast I earn well (60k) but that’s probably my limit because I now do all child related care in the week around nursery.

DP effectively has his working week exactly like it was pre kids. I do everything, nursery admin and drops off pick up, washing DS’s clothes or taking to appointments… basically anything at all toddler related falls on me in the working week.

DP sends me 1,500 a months direct from his salary to pay nursery and cover any costs like DS’s food or nappies or petrol to do the nursery run etc. Nursery cost is around 900 so I’m left with 600. On top of this dp pays all bills and buys most food for us so in theory my own income is my own. I do however have my own 3 bed that I have never got round to renting out so I am still paying the mortgage and minor bills on that, though that is my choice.

Do you think this arrangement is fair? My career is basically on hold as I am ticking over but not progressing due to these intense demands on my time. But then I am effectively living for free too. What do you think?

OP posts:
OttilieKnackered · 19/02/2025 07:52

Sorry, you have an income twice the average, no bills to pay apart from those arising from your own inaction, and ultimately contributing to an asset, and you’re wondering if you have a raw deal?

BlueMum16 · 19/02/2025 07:54

What do you think a 'fair' deal would be?

Woahtherehoney · 19/02/2025 07:54

Blimey OP I don’t think this thread will go well for you - you’re earning £60k and not having to pay nursery or bills or the main rent/mortgage (just your own that you could rent out to cover the mortgage) and you’re not sure it’s fair?

SoScarletItWas · 19/02/2025 07:55

Financially I don’t see an issue. But I don’t think you’re asking about the finances - this is about time, isn’t it?

Is DP’s job intense and long hours so no way he could do any drop offs?

What do weekends look like? Do you get time to yourself? Does DP?

With healthy incomes, can you ‘buy time back’ eg with a cleaner?

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 19/02/2025 07:56

Yearss · 19/02/2025 07:49

To begin, we are not married as I don’t want to be yet as we’ve not been together a long time and I also have some potential family wealth (not loads but more than he would have). This thread isn’t about marriage.

DP works in a very intense job but is also highly paid. In contrast I earn well (60k) but that’s probably my limit because I now do all child related care in the week around nursery.

DP effectively has his working week exactly like it was pre kids. I do everything, nursery admin and drops off pick up, washing DS’s clothes or taking to appointments… basically anything at all toddler related falls on me in the working week.

DP sends me 1,500 a months direct from his salary to pay nursery and cover any costs like DS’s food or nappies or petrol to do the nursery run etc. Nursery cost is around 900 so I’m left with 600. On top of this dp pays all bills and buys most food for us so in theory my own income is my own. I do however have my own 3 bed that I have never got round to renting out so I am still paying the mortgage and minor bills on that, though that is my choice.

Do you think this arrangement is fair? My career is basically on hold as I am ticking over but not progressing due to these intense demands on my time. But then I am effectively living for free too. What do you think?

Disguised gloat post

Hufflemuff · 19/02/2025 07:57

Just curious, but what did you expect from having kids? Did you expect to still climb the ladder constantly but have a baby? Of course one of your careers needs to be on hold a bit, because it's impossible to do both incredibly well. One needs to be put back a bit for a while.

Your situation is incredible - 60k wage to yourself, house to rent out, DP paying a lot of money.

Sounds like you're just pissed off he's not got more childcare stuff on his plate.

Zusammengebrochen · 19/02/2025 07:57

It sounds very 'fair' from your perspective.

Charlotte120221 · 19/02/2025 07:58

Why not rent your house out to pay the mortgage?

sounds like he’s being financially generous- what is it you think is unfair?

rookiemere · 19/02/2025 07:58

What do you expect people to say when you have an asset sitting vacant that would likely give you at least an additional £1000 per month ?

Catza · 19/02/2025 07:58

I mean, you can try flipping it around in your mind. Your DH can go part time and do all child admin. You will increase your hours at work, pay nursery fees and give him £600 on top plus pay all household bills and mortgage. How does it sound now?

PearTreeBoat · 19/02/2025 07:58

Obviously, the only person this is unfair towards is your partner.

If you feel things are unfair you can easily address this by either reducing the amount partner sends to you to cover nursery fees and nappies etc. or you could contribute towards the bills.

Pretty simple really.

TwentyTwentyFive · 19/02/2025 07:59

No it's not a fair agreement.

Your partner is paying for everything and all your income (60k) is yours to do with as you please?

Plus he hasn't got the protection of being married to you and sharing in your assets...

JimHalpertsWife · 19/02/2025 07:59

Can you tell us what costs you have which come out of your 60k?

festivemouse · 19/02/2025 08:00

I feel like you're getting a great deal financially?

You have your entire wage to spend how you like + money from DP? Not renting your house out is your problem.

Time wise, sounds like the family work isn't really split at all - you could probably trade some of that off for less money if your DP is able to change working hours? Or if you can?

Original poster
Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:00

OttilieKnackered · 19/02/2025 07:52

Sorry, you have an income twice the average, no bills to pay apart from those arising from your own inaction, and ultimately contributing to an asset, and you’re wondering if you have a raw deal?

@OttilieKnackered ?? I mean is the arrangement fair between me and DP! I’m aware I have enough income.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:01

BlueMum16 · 19/02/2025 07:54

What do you think a 'fair' deal would be?

@BlueMum16 i think I sometimes feel like my progression is being very hampered. He gets to work like he doesn’t have a child. I don’t have that luxury.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:02

JimHalpertsWife · 19/02/2025 07:59

Can you tell us what costs you have which come out of your 60k?

@JimHalpertsWife I still pay my mortgage and there are still bills for that home. I do buy food for me and dp sometimes, if I’m in the supermarket getting DS’s stuff I might pick up a chicken or some veg. I don’t literally not contribute anything but generally he pays for most stuff. He is on a much much higher income though

OP posts:
AnSolas · 19/02/2025 08:03

You could hire in a nanny with the forgone rent

You knew his job demands, are in a newish relationship, dont really trust him with money but still decided to have a baby with him.

How did you think it was going to go if you were a single mother?

Wolfpa · 19/02/2025 08:03

What is stopping you from working like you don’t have a child?

anothermnuser123 · 19/02/2025 08:04

People can focus on the money, but take that out of it for a minute, a parent that doesn't parent and a partner that doesn't participate in daily life isn't either of those things.

What I would ask is, is it fair to your child? He does nothing to help so how is his bond likely to be with your child?

Why did he want a child if his life hasn't changed at all?

I never understand people that have a family then dont want to get involved. Had you discussed roles prior to having a family?

Original poster
Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:04

Hufflemuff · 19/02/2025 07:57

Just curious, but what did you expect from having kids? Did you expect to still climb the ladder constantly but have a baby? Of course one of your careers needs to be on hold a bit, because it's impossible to do both incredibly well. One needs to be put back a bit for a while.

Your situation is incredible - 60k wage to yourself, house to rent out, DP paying a lot of money.

Sounds like you're just pissed off he's not got more childcare stuff on his plate.

@Hufflemuff i do feel resentful he doesn’t do a thing for ds all week.

I am surprised by this thread though and accept I may need to be more grateful for what I have.

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 19/02/2025 08:04

Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:01

@BlueMum16 i think I sometimes feel like my progression is being very hampered. He gets to work like he doesn’t have a child. I don’t have that luxury.

Show quote history

What discussions did you have about how childcare and both your work would look before you decided to have the child?

(Usually I hate this type of question but it’s why you’re annoyed, so I would have thought you’d have wanted to go into it with a plan…).

Original poster
Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:05

anothermnuser123 · 19/02/2025 08:04

People can focus on the money, but take that out of it for a minute, a parent that doesn't parent and a partner that doesn't participate in daily life isn't either of those things.

What I would ask is, is it fair to your child? He does nothing to help so how is his bond likely to be with your child?

Why did he want a child if his life hasn't changed at all?

I never understand people that have a family then dont want to get involved. Had you discussed roles prior to having a family?

@anothermnuser123 he spends the weekends with ds (and with me)

OP posts:
Original poster
Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:06

Wolfpa · 19/02/2025 08:03

What is stopping you from working like you don’t have a child?

@Wolfpa someone has to drive to nursery or get up in the night or put a wash on for DS’s clothes. So it goes on. Even with a nanny I couldn’t just work like I didn’t have a child.

OP posts:
Inmydreams88 · 19/02/2025 08:06

Would you be okay with him reducing hours and salary to do more childcare in the week? That would mean he would lower his financial contribution to you too.