Is this arrangement fair do you think?

[Yearss]

To begin, we are not married as I don’t want to be yet as we’ve not been together a long time and I also have some potential family wealth (not loads but more than he would have). This thread isn’t about marriage.

DP works in a very intense job but is also highly paid. In contrast I earn well (60k) but that’s probably my limit because I now do all child related care in the week around nursery.

DP effectively has his working week exactly like it was pre kids. I do everything, nursery admin and drops off pick up, washing DS’s clothes or taking to appointments… basically anything at all toddler related falls on me in the working week.

DP sends me 1,500 a months direct from his salary to pay nursery and cover any costs like DS’s food or nappies or petrol to do the nursery run etc. Nursery cost is around 900 so I’m left with 600. On top of this dp pays all bills and buys most food for us so in theory my own income is my own. I do however have my own 3 bed that I have never got round to renting out so I am still paying the mortgage and minor bills on that, though that is my choice.

Do you think this arrangement is fair? My career is basically on hold as I am ticking over but not progressing due to these intense demands on my time. But then I am effectively living for free too. What do you think?

I guess he feels he is paying you to do that given that you pay nothing towards DS. Your contribution could be seen as time and his as money.

I think what people are wondering is, why didn't you have this conversation with him before deciding to start a family? I know this thread isn't about marriage but at least if you were married you would have the financial protection to compensate for your career taking a hit for the time being. It won't be for ever but frankly, you are asking us questions that you should have asked him before starting a family. It's not too late to have that conversation, but you do need to have it.

I'm pretty sure this isn't true..if you get married, and each owns a property before getting married, then there is no additional tax owed. It's when you buy a new property that the second home tax comes in..and as both currently own on their own, even if they weren't to marry and they kept their existing property, this would still apply so no better or worse off when it comes to property. I mean I could be wrong?

I think the issue is why haven’t you rented your house out? That’s additional income and you could use that to pay for an au pair/nanny. You could increase your hours at work too then - if you wanted to.

Speak to DP about roles with DC and parity of down time away from parenting. You should both be parenting- maybe a division of roles would work for your family?

OP, I think you can’t see the wood for the trees with this situation. You sound frustrated but you have the means to make changes.

That’s the price you pay for having children in my opinion. You can’t both progress and it’s usually the woman’s that takes the hit. Considering DP pays everything why would you need to advance your career? You already earn a good salary.

If you spent some if the £60k income that you enjoy with no living expenses to hire a PA/Housekeeper for 4 hours a day to do either the nursery drops offs or pick ups, any nursery admin, washing DS’s clothes, taking to appointments and anything at all toddler related - then you might have a bit more headspace?

"Fair" doesn't come into this situation financially as you have voluntarily chosen not to do two obvious things to better your situation - pursuing marriage as a legal structure to create an equitable balance in a relationship where there are unequal resources (it us inappropriate to suggest any more financial balancing than you already have if you aren't married), and keeping a separate house without renting it out - so any imbalance is really more down to those factors rather than anything else.

Time-wise obviously he is putting in nothing but his paying more than 100% of nursery costs is effectively his contribution to childcare. You have enough money that you can reduce your household care and admin labour to an amount you are happy with.

The person this situation is least fair for is your child, who is not getting a relationship with their father at all because his work is more important, apparently.

If the crux of the issue is that your career is stalling and his isn’t, you need to find a way to lean into your career.

Personally, if money is no object for you both, I’d get a nanny and a housekeeper. Work full time, lean into the role. Someone else does the cleaning and cooking, your child is well looked after and can still go to clubs, music, swimming etc.

Your weekends are both then free. You both get equal time off and quality time with your child.

Lots of couples have two parents working full time in big jobs, it’s not unusual and most that I know have nannies. Of course many people both work full time with nursery and they make it work too.

Yes it is fair. If you want your career to progress pay for a nanny. It could be a good investment for the future.

The arrangement is more than fair. You earn a lot more yourself than most people AND get given a substantial handout by your partner.
Many people are working full time with no career progression on a lot less money than you get and still have to do all the childcare, cleaning etc.
You are moaning about nothing.

Look OP, you’ve obviously decided the arrangement isn’t fair to you and you’re going to keep questioning posters who tell you you’ve got a fair deal. The one who hasn’t is your partner.

Rent out the house you own. That will pay your bills and give you enough to pay for extra childcare, so you can pursue your career.

Your posts sound entitled and grabby. You’ve said your partner’s work is intense during the working week. Yours, less so. You have a child who needs to be cared for and you have an asset you’re not utilising.

You don’t sound like you’re very connected as a couple at all, you’re not married because you want to protect your financial assets, he pays for everything and you do all the workaday stuff, do you even like each other, or spend time together as a couple, do you love him?

It's quite a traditional division of labour you've got going on there (except the bit where you have a £60k part-time income is non- typical).

What do you want from DP? Do you want him to reduce his hours? Or to ask for some flexibility in his hours- say, start later and finish later, so he could do the nurser runs in the morning? Is this possible in his job? And are you prepared to step in financially to offset his lost earnings?

Have you thought of the future- school hours, half terms, long summer holidays etc etc. How is that going to pan out? Do you want more children????

You can't both work like you haven't got a child but you could work full time, put the child in full time nursery and employ a child minder to do pick ups and drop offs? Or employ a full-time nanny. Then you can protect your career progression.

But what's the point of having a child? The crux of the matter seems, to me, to be Do you get enough joy and satisfaction from being your child's main carer to compensate you for your loss of career progression, or is it just overshadowed with resentment that your DP's life and career are less affected than yours?

You're not really experiencing much loss of earnings because you could use the 'financial protection' money DP pays you to build up a shit hot pension.

Why are you keeping your property? Are you not fully committed to your relationship, is it your escape plan?? Otherwise, you need to sell or rent (big hassle actually) because even though it's appreciating in value, it's still a wasted asset sitting there.

He has to protect his career as you are unwilling to marry him and share your assets to protect his future. But he is compensating for you having to put your career on hold. On balance, to financially keep everyone safe now and in the future, should you stay together or part you should be the one taking the hit.

If you want to work like you don't have a child then you need to use your income and start to sweat the asset you have of your flat, to hire a nanny, a cleaner and or an au pair.

This would give you both the option to work like you don't have a child during the week and enjoy quality time with your child at the weekend.

Might become difficult when you have to pay for private school or might not, depends on how large your income is.

You basically both have all you need to be able to dispose of your children all week, but you are not, and are resenting your husband for it.

Have a chat. Figure out a new normal, move on. This is very, very much a non problem.

It seems fair for your child.
It's right that you have a close relationship with your child.
A child benefits from having a primary care giver.
Your husband's job doesn't allow for him to cut down hours.
You could increase contact with your partner and your child by having a special activity that the baby does with his Dad every weekend - like swimming lessons - while you chill out.
You could rent out your home and pay for a cleaner or put more into your pension etc. giving you more time to dedicate to your career, however your child would miss out on your attention.
I think it is most fair (on the family as a whole) for you to resume climbing the ladder in your career once your child is at school.

Alternatively, your spouse could sacrifice his career for a few years and you could subsidise the child care and food costs, as he does now, while you earn a huge salary... I'm thinking you would need to work many hours of overtime.

Who do you think the child would prefer as their primary care giver for the next three years?

Correct, but unless you want to give your child up for adoption, whatever extra you are going to earn will also going to go to your child. Or are you suggesting your partner continues his financial contributions while you increase your personal spend?

OP all your posts read like you resent being a mother, this one especially. It seems backwards - working all the hours god sends is a luxury and bringing up your child is a chore? I think that's possibly why so many people are reacting the way they are, it's an uncomfortable underlying vibe for a lot of people. Are you ok? Do you feel isolated or alone with it all? Did you have a tough time after the birth? Do you think you've bonded with your child? Do you have family and friends around you?

You have spare cash to sort out extra childcare, or remove domestic chores if you want to, so you can work more. Or you can talk to your DP about him reducing hours to be more present. Would either of those fix the situation for you? Or is there something else going on for you?

A cocklodger who does most the childcare, works, and pays for everything child related? Don't be ridiculous.

And you get to act like he's the only poerson who should pay for things.

It's him who is getting the raw deal. Your entire income is basically your spending money, and you are making sure you keep a firm grip on any inheritance. Those are your choices. But you don't seem to have much of a grip on the concept of "patnership" unless he is doing it all.

She's not paying for everything, he is.

Guaranteed this would have different responses if the sexes were reversed. Everyone would be saying he's a cock lodger and split up with him.

A cocklodger is someone who does nothing, OP works and does all the childcare. Also you can't guarantee anything unless you have mind reading skills? You have zero idea what people here would say, I wouldn't be calling a man who did all childcare a cocklodger. Speak for yourself, not others.

Hmm, financially you are getting a great deal.

BUT career-wise you are being absolutely shafted. Many families choose to have one parent take a career hit to be around for the children, and that is fine, if you are both happy with the decision. What did you discuss before the baby arrived - what was the plan?

Either way, if you are now unhappy that you are taking a career hit while he can carry on as normal, you need to sit down and discuss what to do going forward. It's not really about the money, it's about how you feel about your career and childcare. Why should you be the one to take the hit, when it's perhaps not really necessary. It sounds like you are good to high earners, plus you have another house you could rent out, you could afford a nanny and a cleaner, if this is what you choose to do, so neither of you needs to put your career on hold.

No you can't work like you don't have a child... because you do.

God even moaning about thing you'd have to do if you employed a nanny?

Sorry I'm gonna be that arsehole that says, why did you have a child? If you're job was that important then you should have just kept that as your driving force (and there's nothing wrong with that)

That's so sad though, just outsourcing all possible parenting to have a career, because it brings you more pleasure than your child.

For some people they have to do it, for financial reasons but that's plainly not the case here.

How much does he actually earn?

I think you have an amazing deal.

Maybe less so if he earns £27 zillion pounds a year though.

Bullet proof your contraception is my advice.
A lot of his costs would be there with or without you.
What would CM be on his salary?
Are you happy in the relationship, because it doesn't sound like you are.

He is definitely coming out ahead with his child cared for and his career not impacted.

If you are going to remain, get your house rented out asap.
Start leaving his child with him all weekend while you sort out your house.

He also needs to get used to minding his child.