Is this arrangement fair do you think?

[Yearss]

To begin, we are not married as I don’t want to be yet as we’ve not been together a long time and I also have some potential family wealth (not loads but more than he would have). This thread isn’t about marriage.

DP works in a very intense job but is also highly paid. In contrast I earn well (60k) but that’s probably my limit because I now do all child related care in the week around nursery.

DP effectively has his working week exactly like it was pre kids. I do everything, nursery admin and drops off pick up, washing DS’s clothes or taking to appointments… basically anything at all toddler related falls on me in the working week.

DP sends me 1,500 a months direct from his salary to pay nursery and cover any costs like DS’s food or nappies or petrol to do the nursery run etc. Nursery cost is around 900 so I’m left with 600. On top of this dp pays all bills and buys most food for us so in theory my own income is my own. I do however have my own 3 bed that I have never got round to renting out so I am still paying the mortgage and minor bills on that, though that is my choice.

Do you think this arrangement is fair? My career is basically on hold as I am ticking over but not progressing due to these intense demands on my time. But then I am effectively living for free too. What do you think?

Have you spoken to him about taking on more responsibility?

If you're not happy with the status quo then rent or sell your 3 bed (only sell if your family home is owned jointly) and use the money to hire a nanny so that you're free to 'work like you don't have a child'.

@ItShouldntHappenToMeYet so because my DP pays me money, that means it’s fine for me to take the hit Will all childcare? Ok.

I find these threads tedious.

What would you see as fairer?

Honestly, I think it sounds like you live the life of riley...no money worries, a good job, a partner that earns really well and children.

Sounds great to me but you obviously arent happy with the status quo so what do you want?

Your partner to work less and help out with child more? Then tell him but accept that his earnings will be reduced.

Put what you want to him and give him a chance to comment/come up with compromise.

No, it's not a fair arrangement. As well you know. That's if this is even real. He pays all bills, but also pays you £1500 a month. And your money is your own? Wise up.

@SoScarletItWas at weekends he is much more involved. But in the week he literally just behaves like he is child free. He probably could fit in a nursery run but it would be stressful for him. It’s also stressful for me but probably not in the same way due to the nature of our jobs

I don't think it's fair. I think your DP is getting a shit deal here tbh.

You should each be contributing a fair amount, whether that's financial or in kind. You don't currently contribute financially but you do take responsibility for everything else.

If you could persuade him to share half of the domestic/childcare load, would you be willing to pay your way financially?

Financially, not very fair to your dp.

Time & chores, not fair to you.

Overall, you need to talk to each other and find a lifestyle you are both happy with.

Well, maybe. If he can’t change his hours all he can give is money. Which he is very generous with. And sounds like he does join in family life at weekends? Get a nanny. Get a cleaner. You can afford it.

Or have a proper talk about him doing some drop offs even though it would be ‘stressful’ (as you said in post just now.

Or suck it up for a few years til DS is older and the demands aren’t as intense.

It doesn't sound fair to him, no.

Does he own (alone) the home you and ds live in with him?

Yes he owns this home alone @JimHalpertsWife

If you feel it's unfair why don't you:

1. sell or rent out your 3 bed. He shouldn't be subsidising your costs on that (which he is indirectly by paying all the bills)
2. arrange the finances fairly so things are paid proportionately in line with both your incomes.
3. discuss a fairer way of sharing childcare responsibilities

You’ve made this thread all about money, but you wanted to ask about a fair division of labour in child raising.

Have you talked to your partner about this? What does he say - does he make it all about the money?

I think you need to have a discussion. On paper it looks as if you have a reasonable deal financially but this is more about the impact on work and you being the default parent. It might be that you can’t change that ( can dh drop/change hours, can you progress your career to make up the deficit if you aren’t the default parent? Can dp pick up some of the housework around his work?) How is time split at weekends? Does he help around the house with toddler? Or are you still default? Unfortunately having kids does often means someone pausing their career progression. However it is worth having a discussion with dp but you need to articulate what you want the outcome to be.

DP has said he recognises the pause on my career and that’s why he has given me this extra financial protection. He thinks that covers the impact on my career.

So what do you want?

Hire a nannny/childminder if you don't want to do child related stuff and focus on your career.

You accept he has a more demanding job than you that also pays all of your household bills. You knew this when you had kids.

I think you are massively unreasonable and I would love to have your set up but you obviously are not happy so take steps to have a conversation with your partner and see if change can be made

This is the crux of it.

There are trade-offs in any partnership, any parenting situation. You just need to feel comfortable with an arrangement and if you’re not, figure out what needs to change and the practical steps to make that happen.

But you could afford solely from your income to pay for a ft nanny so your career doesn't have to stall if you don't want it to.

You take home 100% of your income as personal spend.

Agreed. You're not even married.

OP I've been a lone parent since DD15 was 1.

In the early years yes, I did work like I had no child as I had a live in nanny, I had to climb the career ladder. Weekends though was all me and often I did make it home for bath and bedtime unless I was travelling.

In the ten years I had a live in I tripled my salary.

My point is the deal is only good if you think it is in the context of your own goals. If you told your partner that you also want to focus on your career then you have to work out how you can work together to make it happen.

Is your DP able to do nursery pick up and drop off? The person who can do it without it affecting their working hours should be the one to do it. If your DP is able then you could take turns to make it fair.

Take turns getting up in the night and taking time off to look after your child when they are sick. I have two DC and there isn't that much admin or that many appointments.

It sounds like you can afford to get a cleaner to take on most of the household chores so neither of you needs to do it.

Why are you washing DS clothes separately? Just chuck everything into a laundry basket and put a wash on when it's full. One person does the laundry the other takes on a different household task.

This exactly