Is this arrangement fair do you think?

[Yearss]

To begin, we are not married as I don’t want to be yet as we’ve not been together a long time and I also have some potential family wealth (not loads but more than he would have). This thread isn’t about marriage.

DP works in a very intense job but is also highly paid. In contrast I earn well (60k) but that’s probably my limit because I now do all child related care in the week around nursery.

DP effectively has his working week exactly like it was pre kids. I do everything, nursery admin and drops off pick up, washing DS’s clothes or taking to appointments… basically anything at all toddler related falls on me in the working week.

DP sends me 1,500 a months direct from his salary to pay nursery and cover any costs like DS’s food or nappies or petrol to do the nursery run etc. Nursery cost is around 900 so I’m left with 600. On top of this dp pays all bills and buys most food for us so in theory my own income is my own. I do however have my own 3 bed that I have never got round to renting out so I am still paying the mortgage and minor bills on that, though that is my choice.

Do you think this arrangement is fair? My career is basically on hold as I am ticking over but not progressing due to these intense demands on my time. But then I am effectively living for free too. What do you think?

And you agreed at the time but are now finding you don’t think so?

Yep.

So first off I would get a tenant into your house.

You don’t mention if you work full or part time, which is it? Because that makes a difference.

Basically, it’s is fair because he contributes more financially and you contribute more in terms of childcare, but if that’s not working for you anymore you need to have a conversation, but first you need to consider what outcome you want - for you both to be working like DP currently is, with all childcare outsourced? Or for him to take a back seat with his career to look after DC more while you forge on with your career?

What do you actually want?

If you wanna work more then sit down with DH and discuss as a family how to mame it happen. Most women like the idea but not the reality.

Gosh given your financial means you could absolutely pay someone to do nursery runs or get wrap around care like millions of other people do.
Honestly you accept his job requires long hours and is more stressful than yours , he compensates your more than fairly as a result and you're still unhappy. What exactly are you looking for ? Is it more money ? I think you need to own what you're after.

1500 a month tax free is a 27k (ish) pay rise.
Have you 'lost' this much potential earnings?

If its his home, and you have your own home, then he covers the mortgage on this house and you cover the mortgage on yours.

You and he then split 50/50 all bills - childcare, elec, water etc.

He then does 50/50 on the housework and childcare (outside of nursery) with you.

Maybe he sees funding all the bills as preferable to having to do half the childcare and housework, but you don't have to be ok with that - I'd rather pay my way and have an engaged father for my child.

What would you like the arrangement to be? He still pays but does more childcare? Or a nanny?

I think this got hijacked by the financial disclosures.

Yes, DP pays a LOT more but as a higher earner this may not represent a significant proportion of his income. Nonetheless, on a £60k income herself, this is an exceptionally good deal for the OP. We don't know how DP feels about it.

If we look at time, responsibility and mental load, that is definitely inequitable. I wouldn't be happy

You need to ask yourselves what you really want from this relationship and parenting. You say you don't want to get married because you want to protect your finances yet you're happy to rely on his financial contribution. He doesn't seem to want to help out with child-related responsibilities because he wants to protect his career but is happy to let you take the impact on yours. There's nothing wrong with that if both parties are in agreement and each person feels like they're getting the slightly better deal, but clearly you don't feel like that.

In your shoes I would sit down with DP and explain I'm not happy about the career impact and I'd like to explore options to address that. Non confrontational lay. There are several.
He does more and you take less money is one. You let out your house and then both of you contribute to the cost of a nanny is another. Or a mixture of the two.

@Truetoself what do you mean?

@Hercisback1 no but obviously this money is pretty much all going on ds

What do you want? It reads like you resent having to look after your child. Do you? Or is it that unfairness that your DP should do half and have his career affected to the same extent as yours because it's his child too? What did you expect having a child to look like? Did you have conversations with your DP about who would do what?

Ultimately if you're not happy, you have money to throw at the problem. Rent out your house and buy in a nanny. Buy in two nannies if you want, one to cover the days, one to cover the nights. Employ a chauffeur too to ferry the nannies and child about. Employ a housekeeper to do the child's washing and ironing. Employ a chef to cook the child's food.

Don't worry, it won't be long until the child can make themselves a jam sandwich and get themselves out the door, then you can go back to normal

No, it's not remotely fair that youre working full time, and doing all the childcare and housework, but people here will just focus on the mmoney. Have you told him he needs to start taking more responsibility for his child?

That's not true though. £600 quid of it is just for you to spend on what ever you like!

Two high flying professionals usually have a nanny. You could rent out your house and use the money from that and the money you pay towards childcare already from him to have a nanny to do school runs etc and not have your career stall. Yes, someone needs to wash his clothes but that could easily be done at the weekend for the week ahead or ask the nanny to throw a wash on for the children's clothes during the day, which is normal. He's not going to get up in the night forever.

If your partner earns significantly more than you and works longer hours, it’s fairly obvious that domestic tasks will fall mostly to you. Your partner giving you more money won’t take away the need to do domestic tasks. How about getting a cleaner/laundry service/part time nanny etc, You could probably rent out your empty house, do all of the above and still be quids in.

Alternatively, he's paying to house and feed DS. You're paying for the childcare 9ut of your salary (fair), then the 1500 is extra for you.

You've gone into a lot of detail over the money. It the money is irrelevant. You could be on £25k and him on £30 and you split the bills between you.

What you're actually asking about is the share of labour in the home. The stagnation of your career.

No, that part isn't fair. You should have a conversation with him about the share of workload, without mentioning money. Money is irrelevant to your complaint.

Although a pp has offered a solution - rent your house and hire a nanny so you can put in more hours to keep your career on track.

I'm wondering though who is thinking about what's fair on your child?

£900 for full time nursery? Seems veryyyy cheap and I live in a ‘cheap’ area. If your DP is on so much money (over £100k pa) you don’t qualify for tax free childcare so something isn’t adding up.

@CandidGreenSquid for 3.5 days

So he does participate, just not during the week when he is working long hours?

What was the discussion about the division of labour before the baby arrived? Is it as discussed?

It’s a great deal for you OP. If you’re not happy you could go full time and employ someone to fill the gaps, and share the bills with DP.

What do you think he should also be handing you money for yourself too?

It would have been a conversation before i had children. My husband and I both chose to bring a child into the world and we both negotiated the nursery runs and sick days etc. I wouldn’t want it all on me, same as I wouldn’t want all the finances to be on him - children always have come first and we both carry the load financially and within the home.

Even though because I had maternity leave and made some choices to work less hours it has meant my career has taken a little slower but now my children are much older we are now on a more equal playing field. Helped because I stayed in work and he did his fair share.

So you have the ability and funds to increase your childcare hours, either in nursery or by hiring a nanny. Yet you only do part time and complain? Sounds very much like it’s not your DP holding your career back, it’s your own choices.