Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this arrangement fair do you think?

125 replies

Yearss · 19/02/2025 07:49

To begin, we are not married as I don’t want to be yet as we’ve not been together a long time and I also have some potential family wealth (not loads but more than he would have). This thread isn’t about marriage.

DP works in a very intense job but is also highly paid. In contrast I earn well (60k) but that’s probably my limit because I now do all child related care in the week around nursery.

DP effectively has his working week exactly like it was pre kids. I do everything, nursery admin and drops off pick up, washing DS’s clothes or taking to appointments… basically anything at all toddler related falls on me in the working week.

DP sends me 1,500 a months direct from his salary to pay nursery and cover any costs like DS’s food or nappies or petrol to do the nursery run etc. Nursery cost is around 900 so I’m left with 600. On top of this dp pays all bills and buys most food for us so in theory my own income is my own. I do however have my own 3 bed that I have never got round to renting out so I am still paying the mortgage and minor bills on that, though that is my choice.

Do you think this arrangement is fair? My career is basically on hold as I am ticking over but not progressing due to these intense demands on my time. But then I am effectively living for free too. What do you think?

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 19/02/2025 08:34

CandidGreenSquid · 19/02/2025 08:26

£900 for full time nursery? Seems veryyyy cheap and I live in a ‘cheap’ area. If your DP is on so much money (over £100k pa) you don’t qualify for tax free childcare so something isn’t adding up.

That seems very generous. You should get your house rented out or sold asap though. It’s bad for house to be left uninhabited for long. Pipes could burst, mold can creep in, etc. etc. Ic you want to rent it out the east way just appoint an agent.

hattie43 · 19/02/2025 08:35

If you want more income rent your house out . You are hardly going hand to mouth so I think YABU.

Hercisback1 · 19/02/2025 08:35

Also your attitude to not marrying him because you will inherit and he won't, alongside you thinking this arrangement is unfair screams fanny lodger to me.

Togglebullets · 19/02/2025 08:36

Naunet · 19/02/2025 08:22

No, it's not remotely fair that youre working full time, and doing all the childcare and housework, but people here will just focus on the mmoney. Have you told him he needs to start taking more responsibility for his child?

The op herself made it all about the money. It's completely muddied the waters.

Op, you need to make it clear to him that the money isn't the compensation he thinks it is. Wanting a fulfilling career is different to wanting to earn loads.

What would need to happen for you to have the career you wanted?

millymollymoomoo · 19/02/2025 08:36

To offset the hit you think you have to your career you could

rent out your property and invest that money

Invest a lot of your salary that you don’t have massive bills for

or you could still progress your career, like I did and many other professional working mums did and do…..

but you are not hard done by financially here at all

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 19/02/2025 08:37

Just to clarify (and sorry if I've missed this) ... is DP the father of your child? You say you haven't been together long, and that you don't want to get married yet. If you're concerned about responsibility for looking after the child, then a lot will turn on whether you're expecting a relatively new partner to start acting as step father. FWIW, if he's not the child's father, I would have thought that he's contributing in quite a fair and responsible way, especially given you've said you don't want to get married at the moment.

Cakeandcardio · 19/02/2025 08:37

Do you do things together as a family? Could you hire help for cleaning / nursery pick ups etc?

I think you are fortunate that you can do all nursery drop offs and pick ups and still earn that salary. I think you are fortunate that you can keep a full time job and still be able to spend so much time with your child.

My career has also taken a hit. I was pretty good at my job pre kids and could have gone far but promotion is basically on the back burner for now. I feel I am using my time wisely by spending time with my children. It's only a job / money (and we have a LOT less than you!).

Ddakji · 19/02/2025 08:38

So DS is in nursery for 3.5 days - where is he the rest of the time?

Are you part time, @Yearss?

ThriveIn2025 · 19/02/2025 08:39

If I’m in the supermarket getting DS’s stuff I might pick up a chicken or some veg
Oh my goodness this made me laugh. Sorry OP, I know that’s not helpful but honestly, what did you think it would be like after you had a child?

Like others have said, you can work “like you don’t have them” if you employ someone to enable that. For most women, their career takes a pause during the early years, it’s the compromise that comes with being a mother. Yes your DP hasn’t made the same compromise, that’s his choice.

Why not frame it by looking at all the time he is missing with his child?

jeaux90 · 19/02/2025 08:39

Hercisback1 · 19/02/2025 08:35

Also your attitude to not marrying him because you will inherit and he won't, alongside you thinking this arrangement is unfair screams fanny lodger to me.

Don't be rude and besides she has her property and he owns the one they live in. They would be daft to get married as then they would have to pay additional tax on owning a second property.

OP I posted earlier, time to have a conversation about current childcare arrangements and you career aspirations (live in nanny worked for me)

pinkdelight · 19/02/2025 08:40

It's not about you having to be grateful, just about owning the choices you've made. You don't want to get married or pool resources, you've kept your house so have that cost to cover, you're keeping your set-up to protect inheritance. It's not whether the arrangement is fair but it's what you've chosen and to expect your life to be unaffected by having DC is a bit mad - what mother's life is? Of course our lives and careers are impacted by raising another human being. The father's would be more affected too if you were closer and more of a partnership but you've made it more about money and on that score you're doing very well. If you want a more equal partnership, that would mean changing the relationship to one where you're both more invested long-term in being on the same team.

MrsWhites · 19/02/2025 08:40

The issue here is that you really can’t have it all when you have young children.

At least one parent has to take responsibility for childcare issues, household jobs etc. Ideally obviously it should be split but life doesn’t always work like that and in a situation like yours when one person has a much higher income you need to decide whether it is financially viable for the high earner to take a bigger hit. It’s often the lower earner who ends up putting their career on hold to minimise the financial impact.

In your case you seem happy with the financial arrangement but not the time/career impact - you need to decide then if you would be happy taking the financial hit if it was the other way around and if so discuss this with your partner.

He’s taking the piss though if he doesn’t pull his weight in terms of getting home to do bathtime/bedtime some evenings and doing his share at weekends. High earnings don’t relieve you of parenting!

Hercisback1 · 19/02/2025 08:42

jeaux90 · 19/02/2025 08:39

Don't be rude and besides she has her property and he owns the one they live in. They would be daft to get married as then they would have to pay additional tax on owning a second property.

OP I posted earlier, time to have a conversation about current childcare arrangements and you career aspirations (live in nanny worked for me)

Show quote history

If the sexes were reversed, the guy would be being called a cock lodger on every post. She didn't use the property as a reason for not marrying, instead the inheritance, hence my comment.

OP resents the current arrangement, that's clear. But the grass may not be greener and she has the potential to change things and is choosing not to.

HellofromJohnCraven · 19/02/2025 08:42

Yes. Assuming you both wanted the child.
He earns more and pays all child related and other bills. You earn well and have kept your own money and your own assets he has no claim on.
You have put your career in neutral for the moment. But not forever.
Not sure what else you can do?

Bakedpotatoes · 19/02/2025 08:42

OP, when I was with my ex I was the higher earner and I still did everything for 2 children as well as pay for 70%. I'm now a single parent and do everything and pay for 100% and I have still progressed in my career.

I outsource cleaning, use childcare and I'm stressed constantly. It is getting easier the older they get but it was important to me to still progress my career to create stability for my children. My job is flexible though so I can WFH, work in the evenings to put in extra effort etc.

I think there are trade offs in every relationship and your DP is very generous with his money - outsource as much as you can and know it's not forever.

MumblesParty · 19/02/2025 08:43

The deal is that you put in the time, and you DP puts in the money. If you don’t like it then you need to ask him to try and reduce his hours so you can increase yours. He’ll obviously earn less but you’ll earn more to make up for it, and then you can pay for nursery yourself, and all the food/bills etc.

But really I think it’s rather sad that you seem to resent the parental “chores” you have to do so much. If your career was so important to you, perhaps you should have delayed having a child.

MrsWhites · 19/02/2025 08:45

Yearss · 19/02/2025 08:21

@Hercisback1 no but obviously this money is pretty much all going on ds

Show quote history

I don’t understand your logic here, you are a parent now, did you not expect to have less disposable income when you have a child?

If you had received a pay rise you’d still be paying for expenses for your child.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/02/2025 08:47

Who's expenses you're also responsible for, because he's paying you dont have to. You can't whinge this money's going on DS who is a joint responsibility. You've got the majority of a very good income for your sole use, all your major costs for child, bills, home you live in are covered except a mortgage, which you're only paying all of because you cant be bothered to rent it out, talk about entitlement and privalage. Monetarily you have a fantastic deal here and you only work part time and you say DP is an involved father on the weekends and you are building up equity and could be saving even more if you could be bothered, but you want to whinge on here because you think you're entitled to what everything covered for you for free?

Destiny123 · 19/02/2025 08:47

Sounds like you're getting a fantastic financial deal! Quality of life and responsibility sharing not so

lateatwork · 19/02/2025 08:48

Sounds ok now....but need to plan for future. Capitalise on the assets you have, invest disposable income. So get your finances under control. You might be ok now, but in 5 years? 10 years when your job has stagnated? His will be flying, very different trajectory.

If you want to progress career wise, work out a plan for that- could be buying in more help, sharing loads with partner, retraining etc

sometimesmovingforwards · 19/02/2025 08:49

Hercisback1 · 19/02/2025 08:35

Also your attitude to not marrying him because you will inherit and he won't, alongside you thinking this arrangement is unfair screams fanny lodger to me.

Definitely grabby.

Futb · 19/02/2025 08:50

You’ve got enough to pay a housekeeper so you can’t moan! Or should I say you can’t have your cake and eat it…

DazedDragon · 19/02/2025 08:50

@Yearss so you've not been together very long but have a DS? Is the DS then from a previous relationship??

You need to have this conversation with your DP. Logic usually dictates that when you have kids, one or both of you have to put your career on the back burner.

If you want your DP to work fewer hours and do more housework and childcare tasks, then ask him.

If you want to go back to work full time then do it.

I work 40 hours a week term time only, so me and DH attempt to split chores 50/50 in term time. In the holidays I'm left to do the majority of stuff, which I guess is fair enough.

MILLYmo0se · 19/02/2025 08:51

OP, you have so much disposable income that you can choose not to bother renting out the house you own.... Let that sink in for a minute
If you want to progress your career then focus on that, it's entirely your choice, DP will have to take on more chores/split cost of a cleaner, arrange to do drop offs or collections and you ll both split all bills

doodahdayy · 19/02/2025 08:51

Wow some people really are entitled