We’re spending the kids inheritance

[Tuppenceabaggy]

Does anyone find it weird when parents/older people say this and so proudly?

Ive heard a few times people saying they sacrificed everything for their kids, now it’s their time…is this a bit selfish/odd? Children don’t ask to be born, do they.

Now i’m a parent, I just find my parents and some others way of doing things quite odd.

My dad worked in a good job and Dm was a sahm. I had a part time job since I was 14, if I wanted something, I had to pay for it (except clothes treats out of Christmas and birthday money) I paid for all my own driving lessons (I had a lot and it cost a fortune) I bought my own car and paid insurance etc, Dh and I got our mortgage ourselves with no help.

Now I have Dd, there’s not a lot of spare cash to go around, but I will have a savings account in the event of going to uni (if she chooses to) helping with driving lessons and first car and hopefully a little help with a first home (provided we can try our best to save for this)

I don’t want my parents money, i’m
happy to see them spend it on themselves and enjoy it a bit, but it’s just not how I see my life, everything I think about is for Dd first.

Is this just a generational thing?

I find it odd when people don't care about their folks, chuck them in a care home and then expect something from them. I assume parents cared for their babies / children until they were able to be more independent? So when they become dependent themselves the children should step in.

Well sometimes it's not possible to provide the care to a parent & a care home is more suitable plus retirement ages and work commitments are somewhat different now.

I didn't have dc so they could care for me! And what about parents who are shit, is it ok to not provide care for them? @MixedBananas

Yeah but it would be nice to acknowledge, in situations where this is the case, that they’d been a bit lucky in the way that previous generations weren’t and future generations won’t be.

They've been lucky? It's always easy to say other people were lucky when you haven't lived their lives.
You're looking at one aspect and making out that they were lucky in all ways.

When my parents were born rationing was around. They remember the fear that war/bombing would come back, and the knowledge that sometimes there wasn't food to eat. Adults around them were traumatised by what they had seen and sometimes reacted accordingly. They saw friends die from childhood illnesses that now are treatable or sometimes be left with permanent damage.
Things were second hand - if they were lucky. Things were patched and mended until they couldn't last any more - and then they did without. Foreign holidays were a dream that would never happen, they expected to work from age 14yo.

My df worked 3 jobs a week from that age (one early morning 6-8am, evening 9-11pm and weekends 8am-dark) to pay for a motorbike and textbooks etc to get through 6th form so he could go to uni.

They washed by hand, scrubbed the floors on their knees, didn't have dishwashers, tumble driers, central heating, microwaves, freezers, possibly not even a fridge and many other things we take for granted.

To buy a house they had to get 20% deposit. I remember talking to a lovely pair who'd bought in the 30s. You'd probably say how lucky they were because they only paid £200 for their flat. They had to get £40 deposit, and they both worked 7 days a week for 2 years to try and save this up. With no health and safety in place the chap had permanently damaged his hearing in what he did.
They told me they used to buy a bag of potatoes for food each week. They'd have a potato each in the evening, boiling it up in the same water, then on the day before payday they'd add a little flour and pretend it was soup because they could only afford to get 12 potatoes a week. One year someone left them a turkey leg on their doorstep on Christmas Eve and the lady told me how she cried for joy that someone had thought about them, and they boiled the bone up. They told me that in a matter of fact way, not in a pity us way.

Whose life would you prefer?
I think mine is much easier and I have far more choice about what I do. I certainly have far more time for myself than my parents did.

It's not a competition who had it harder. But if it were I don't think the modern generations would win. So they could acknowledge that they are lucky in a way that previous generations weren't too. It's a two way street.

In the future (and actually now) it won't be about what you earn but how much you inherit.

It's always the case. I don't know anyone who bought in London my age or younger who didn't have some form of help.

In laws are doing this with determination as they live on a cruise boat.

My only advice I'd give to anyone doing this is you need still think about if you need care. You might have no money left to pay for it, but without poa or next of kin set up with the nhs no one has any say in your care. In laws have only planned to spend all the money it feels and not much else. Who knows if they planning to be thrown overboard at the end! 😁

This is excellent post that bears repeating. I can relate to this so much @MargaretThursday , thank you for taking the trouble to post this. 👏

I understand what you're saying @Tuppenceabaggy . If you can make your child's life easier, and still live very comfortably, why wouldn't you?

If I could, I would help my children with deposits, or driving lessons, or cars. Even just to be able to pay for a weekly shop sometimes. But I can't. Meanwhile, several 100ks sits in a bank, being spent on cruises, cruise wardrobes, new decor regularly, endless house improvements, parcels from amazon. Contrary to how it sounds, I'm actually really happy for my mum to spend her money how she wants.

I do find it a bit sad, and odd, that she gleefully tells me she's 'spending my inheritance' whilst I watch every penny.

It's not that she should have to help, I just don't understand why you wouldn't.

Let me tell you something about older parents. I'm at the tail end of Boomers. We were never, ever put first by our parents. Ever. Neither were they as children. Generations lived this way. The 'seen and not heard' eras.When I, and all my peers, became parents, we put the children first. That meant considering their needs in family decisions, house moves, relocations, holidays etc. as they grew, they did the same for their kids (as many of you are now)

That can't be true, 80s parenting was pretty lax

Couldn’t agree more!

@wooliegloves Children only need to be cared for for a short while before they can mostly look after themselves - about 10 years.

Elderly can live very long lives dependent on others, some seem to want looking after in their 50's and 60s - so 40/50 years.

Quite different.

As to chucking into care homes, children are thrown into nurseries and school - not that much difference.

Clearly you are a much superior parent than all those others who don't pay for driving lessons OP 🙄

I have the absolute BEST parents. Never had much money but have always done whatever they could whenever they could. I paid for my own driving lessons and pretty much anything else I needed from my teens and don't resent them one bit. There is nothing to leave, in fact, they live with me and doing so allows them to make what they do have go further so they can enjoy their lives.

I've raised 4 children on my own. I have scrimped and gone without for them, quite happily. They are all adults now though the youngest just turned 18 and they've all been quite self sufficient since they were teens and started buying their own 'wants'. I have helped all of them in some way financially and will always do what I can but I don't spend my time thinking about how much I want to do for them. I don't plan or budget my money around subsidising them or saving for them so they get a payout when I'm gone. I'm counting down until I retire and can spend my money on travel and things I want to do and have. I guess I don't love them as much as others who do 🤷‍♀️
My kids adore me and encourage me all the way to do things for me. I can guarantee that they've never spent a moment wondering what money they'll inherit from me. I may not have given them everything financially but I did provide them tools and support to be able to carve out their own lives as independent, respectful and giving adults. I will never stop doing 'for' them, can't imagine not wanting to, but there is zero expectation from them and no way they'd want me to compromise my ability to enjoy doing the things I've waited most of my life to do

That can't be true, 80s parenting was pretty lax

Most boomers were grown up by the 80s

MN hates boomers. They’re the source of all evil because they benefited from the economic climate and other circumstances prevailing at the time. I was a boomer. Can honestly say l was never as affluent at their age as my children are now. We moved into a two up two down terrace in 1980 with a bed a table and two deck chairs. The two of us worked all the hours god sent for what we have now. We weren’t all born into privilege.

My parents haven't spent inheritance but it will likely go to care home fees. I will help my children when i can and would love to be able to help with house purchases etc, but i also want some enjoyment in retirement so will have to balance the two, there isn't enough to do both.

They often didn't scrimp and save though since much wealth is due to property inflation.

I have found some givecto grandchildren and bypass children meaning a number of my children's friends have large inheritances whilst quite young and some bash through it, cars, holidays etc.

I will be able to assist my DS but for sure I’m spending my money on myself. We are well off but DS has no idea how much money we have and looking at all the posts on here about expectations and behaviours it will remain so.

A parents role is to equip a child to be able to make good decisions. My family have been immigrants 3 times in the last 4 generations. Hard work with risks is no problem and the lot of our family has risen with each generation. I have relocated a few times in my life for work as has DH.

My DS is doing a degree apprenticeship, no debt and being paid as well. It was a very good decision which I encouraged.

Traditional Chinese culture has it the other way round, children supporting parents.

I am not a baby boomer I am Gen X,I know some very hard up baby boomers, it’s a Myth they are all rich.

So you specifically mean your own parents rather than everyone who’s nearing or at retirement, but you’ve decided we’re all the same? Nice attitude.

I didn't realise there were so many entitled people. No one is owed an inheritance or there parents paying their way when they are adults. I feel uncomfortable when my parents give me money, I'd rather they spent it on enjoying themselves.

I positively encourage my parents to ski (spend kids' inheritance). They worked very hard to give us a good life, and put us through uni. Which enabled us to get decent careers. They don't owe us anything.

What age is your dd? You might feel differently when she is a stroppy ungrateful teenager who constantly tells you everything you are doing wrong in your life.

I think they are one of the most selfish generations.

I'm not sure it's selfishness but a lack of awareness maybe? Many will have come from ordinary backgrounds/grown up poor and then become very comfortable in later life not realising how much things have changed and just assume their dc will be in the same boat.

You cannot possibly imagine this is typical of everybody of your mother's generation, but then again, it's her choice. You don't sound at all respectful of her right to make those choices.

I wanted my parents to spend their money & enjoy life. They lived through the war and through austerity. And then they needed care as they got older again. V little money left.

So, you think your parents generation should save their money to spend on you, so you in turn can saves yours to spend on DD, who then presumably saves hers to spend on her DC? Would it not just be easier for everyone to spend the money they earned themselves on themselves?

Yeah but that's not what OP is talking about.

She's talking about the "well, you're 17 now, and moving out, that's our job done" parents.

Clearly you didn't get a shitty one of those. Because that's what it is.

@blossomtoes I said statistically it's not the norm that children are much wealthier than their boomer parents. This doesn't mean every single person....