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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that maybe my husband could have taken a day off when my brother died

104 replies

Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 18:34

I'm grieving so maybe I am unreasonable but my brother who was in his 30s just died very unexpectedly. My husband hasn't taken a day off to support me at all and I've had to try and get lifts to do all the admin associated with a sudden death as he also took our only car.

This morning I was trying to get the kids sorted, cook food for his grieving widow, drag teen out of bed and a bottle of milk spilled all over. I just sat and sobbed. I just wanted to have a bit of time before having to do all the household tasks considering my brother died in tragic circumstances just a few days ago.

My friend came around and hugged me and listened to me and I finally felt supported and loved. I don't think mu husband has even hugged me. He just ranted on about how much he hates my surviving brother which I don't have the bandwidth to deal with at the moment.

Would your husband have taken a day off work? Maybe I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
Goodnurseorgremlin · 18/02/2025 18:35

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Your husband is behaving appallingly. I don't know if I could ever forgive him tbh.

PerfectPennyKilledMyHusband · 18/02/2025 18:36

I don't think you're asking too much at all and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Some people genuinely don't know what to do when someone close to them is grieving. I would sit him down and tell him exactly what you need from him right now.

rubyslippers · 18/02/2025 18:38

I’m so sorry for your loss
Your H is sadly lacking in basic human compassion and from your posts I would be reevaluating your relationshlp
when my DH went through a bereavement I did everything I could to ease day to day life and support him in any way I could
that’s human decency

Comefromaway · 18/02/2025 18:38

I’m very sorry for your loss

I dont know if I’d expect my husband to take a day off. Currently there’s no right to do so, would he have got paid leave or even granted the time off. Is he saving his request for the funeral?

rubyslippers · 18/02/2025 18:39

Someone who rants about another sibling to their wife is a lost cause
he sounds like an arse

DelphiniumBlue · 18/02/2025 18:40

I think the fact that he didn't take the day off work is the least of the problem. He doesn't sound like he is supportive or caring to you in any way.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
But don't make any big decisions about H at this point in time. Concentrate on caring for yourself and your poor SiL, ignore Hand his rantings, and try to find some solace in your DC. There'll be plenty of time to deal with H later. I'm glad you've got such a lovely friend, it makes all the difference.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 18/02/2025 18:40

I don't necessarily think he should have taken the day off but I do think he could be a hell of a lot more supportive.

MissyB1 · 18/02/2025 18:41

I'm really sorry for your loss 💐
My dh didn't take the day off when I was called at 6am to say my mum had died. I had an exam that day and had to get our ds to childcare, I was in total shock. I have since had my brother die too, dh has never mentioned him since he died and didn't go to the funeral. Fucks me off no end.

rubyslippers · 18/02/2025 18:41

Have people read the OP?!
her so called DH is ranting about her surviving brother and behaving abysmally

MounjaroOnMyMind · 18/02/2025 18:41

I'm so sorry you lost your brother.

Death often helps put things into perspective. It's incredibly sad that your husband never hugs you. He's not kind to you and has said horrible things. If you think of a life without him, how do you feel?

RedHelenB · 18/02/2025 18:42

Yanbu. I'm so sorry for your loss.

MissyB1 · 18/02/2025 18:42

Some men can be incredibly self absorbed.

ReadingRubbish · 18/02/2025 18:42

I don't think my DH would automatically take a day off and I wouldn't automatically take a day off if it was my DHs brother who died. I would be supportive though.

ConcernedOfClapham · 18/02/2025 18:43

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Absolutely he should be supporting you in any way that you need, even if there were friction between them in the past this latest development should completely negate that.

Not just going to work, but taking the car as well seems to be really rubbing salt into the wound.

I hope this is just a blind spot on his part, and not indicative of something more troubling in your relationship.

Wishing you and your family best thoughts at this difficult time x

TheStigarette · 18/02/2025 18:44

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Your h is being awful. Right now you don't have the energy to deal with him. So you need to take exceptional care of yourself - lovely bath stuff, treaty warm socks, nice snacks, hot tea, soup and long walks by the river/ in the woods, coffee with friends. Anything that's gentle and kind and nurturing .
Tell your dh you cannot wrestle teen,/ do household stuff and it is temporarily his responsibility.
Your dh is horrible but you can make your decision later. Look after yourself now.

Marylou2 · 18/02/2025 18:44

I'm so sorry about your brother. That's awful. Yes, your husband should be with you for support. Was your husband close to your brother? Has this upset him that he needs to be out of the house. Men often react very differently to women. I watched my DH hear that his mum had died and go straight into a meeting.

Moonlightstars · 18/02/2025 18:45

I'm 99% certain my DH would take a day off. But even if not he would have left the car/hired another one. Looked after the kids etc etc
Focus on your dB for now but this would make me reconsider my marriage.

Bakedpotatoes · 18/02/2025 18:46

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. This exact scenario played out with some friends, they are still together but barely. The resentment is palpable. Have you asked for more support? I know you shouldn't have to buy maybe spell out what you need and then take it.

Please be kind to yourself, make sure you really think about your own needs now. It sounds like your kids are teens so they can help out too! You are important and worthy of love and support, remember that.

ConcernedOfClapham · 18/02/2025 18:47

TheStigarette · 18/02/2025 18:44

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Your h is being awful. Right now you don't have the energy to deal with him. So you need to take exceptional care of yourself - lovely bath stuff, treaty warm socks, nice snacks, hot tea, soup and long walks by the river/ in the woods, coffee with friends. Anything that's gentle and kind and nurturing .
Tell your dh you cannot wrestle teen,/ do household stuff and it is temporarily his responsibility.
Your dh is horrible but you can make your decision later. Look after yourself now.

Yes, absolutely. You need to be there for your grieving SIL at the moment so the least your husband can do is step up to the bulk of parental responsibility for as long as is needed.

EmeraldDreams73 · 18/02/2025 18:47

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. That's absolutely tragic. Of course your husband should be supportive, and basic stuff (like not leaving you without a car for all the extra things you need to do) should be the very least you can expect. Glad your friend's being kind but once you're over the initial shock, I'd be having serious words. He shouldn't need to be told how to be compassionate, ffs. 💐

Goodnurseorgremlin · 18/02/2025 18:49

@MissyB1 I hope you mean ex husband?😱 That is disgusting.

Dweetfidilove · 18/02/2025 18:49

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Your husband does lack decency and care. He could've taken the day off, or at least left you the car.

You need someone to support you as you support your SIL.

HollaHolla · 18/02/2025 18:50

God, I'd have thought it would be the absolute minimum. When all 4 of my Mum's brothers died (2 suddenly, 2 because of illness), my Dad dropped everything to be there. He can be an unfeeling bugger, but even flew back from working in Scandinavia one time, when Mum had to sort the funeral, etc. The very least I would expect would be that he asked you what you needed in order to manage.
Have you said to him what you need? Even in practical terms??

Zanatdy · 18/02/2025 18:50

That’s appalling. When my dad died my ex was working overseas, and he immediately got on a train (eurostar) and was there that evening to give me a hug and take over the kids so I could travel to my mum’s. That was my ex, i’d certainly be expecting my own husband to take a day off to help out and give you a blooming hug at the very least.

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 18/02/2025 18:50

My DP behaved appallingly when my mother died & I can never forgive him for it. I think it shows you the worst side of people, when you need to rely on them & they aren't supportive. I would never ask him for anything again.