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Original poster

To think that maybe my husband could have taken a day off when my brother died

104 replies

Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 18:34

I'm grieving so maybe I am unreasonable but my brother who was in his 30s just died very unexpectedly. My husband hasn't taken a day off to support me at all and I've had to try and get lifts to do all the admin associated with a sudden death as he also took our only car.

This morning I was trying to get the kids sorted, cook food for his grieving widow, drag teen out of bed and a bottle of milk spilled all over. I just sat and sobbed. I just wanted to have a bit of time before having to do all the household tasks considering my brother died in tragic circumstances just a few days ago.

My friend came around and hugged me and listened to me and I finally felt supported and loved. I don't think mu husband has even hugged me. He just ranted on about how much he hates my surviving brother which I don't have the bandwidth to deal with at the moment.

Would your husband have taken a day off work? Maybe I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 18/02/2025 19:39

He’s being really shitty. I’m so sorry for your loss x

Doyouthinktheyknow · 18/02/2025 19:41

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s incredibly painful, losing a sibling. Especially so young😢

I lost my dbro very suddenly last year and it’s been a really brutal and tough journey.

My DH has been very supportive, yours sounds like a complete arse to be honest. Has your DH experienced loss before? Sometimes if people haven’t been through it, they can struggle to understand it a bit. I’m reaching though, hard to see how anyone could fail to see the enormity of your grief😢

HeddaGarbled · 18/02/2025 19:43

He wouldn’t have taken a day off work, no. But he’d have been more supportive when he was home.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 18/02/2025 19:50

I'm sorry for your loss, OP

When some time has past and everything has calmed down, though, I think you need to take a long, clear look at your marriage and your husband and decide if he's who you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 18/02/2025 19:51

When my brother was seriously ill in hospital my exDP picked the DC up from me in the middle if the night and took the day off to look after them. When my brother died my ex looked after the kids while working from home and he broke the news to them and looked after them before and after the funeral. We had been separated for about 5 years at this point and I didn't expect anything from him. He is a much better ex than he ever was as a partner.

Original poster
Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 19:54

He hasn't lost anyone close to him before no. I didn't expect him to take time off when grandparents died as that was different. They were very old and ready to go. This was a man in the prime of his life with young kids.

I know he wouldn't get compassionate leave as it was my family member but he has plenty of annual leave or could have wfh. He doesn't have a life or death job.

Anyway my friends will be coming from tomorrow and I can get support from them.

Will need to re evaluate things when things calm down.

I can't do anymore for my SIL at the moment. All the admin is done until the death cert.

OP posts:
annes1999 · 18/02/2025 19:54

Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 18:34

I'm grieving so maybe I am unreasonable but my brother who was in his 30s just died very unexpectedly. My husband hasn't taken a day off to support me at all and I've had to try and get lifts to do all the admin associated with a sudden death as he also took our only car.

This morning I was trying to get the kids sorted, cook food for his grieving widow, drag teen out of bed and a bottle of milk spilled all over. I just sat and sobbed. I just wanted to have a bit of time before having to do all the household tasks considering my brother died in tragic circumstances just a few days ago.

My friend came around and hugged me and listened to me and I finally felt supported and loved. I don't think mu husband has even hugged me. He just ranted on about how much he hates my surviving brother which I don't have the bandwidth to deal with at the moment.

Would your husband have taken a day off work? Maybe I'm asking too much.

I am so sorry :(

Not unreasonable at all to expect him to take a day off. He should've done that. You need support & dealing with everything that comes with a death is not easy, let alone being a parent too.

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 19:58

I'm so very sorry for your loss, you must be deeply shocked and devastated.

Yes, that's very poor from your DH. I also lost my brother completely unexpectedly last year, while DH was working abroad. I actually tried to insist he stayed out there as I wasn't thinking straight, and he ignored me and came straight back home - he's a self-employed contractor as well. Acually the client was lovely too and paid for the flight change.

That first week was horrible, grim and strange and having him there to do the practical stuff and just hug me made all the difference.

FlowerUser · 18/02/2025 19:59

My brother died a year ago on a Friday night but if it had been a week day my DH would have taken a day's leave. He took leave to attend the funeral with me and insisted his adult daughter came to the funeral as well.

Your DH is being very unreasonably. He has at least apologised, though. When he has a significant close loss it is likely he will apologise very sincerely as he realises the support required.

My love to you. Take your time and just be.

Savemefromwetdog · 18/02/2025 20:00

I don’t think I could see past this.

Sorry for your loss

x2boys · 18/02/2025 20:02

My mum died recently and my dh took a few days compassionate leave but he was very fond of my mum and was genuinely upset when she died.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 18/02/2025 20:04

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Your expectations are not unreasonable in the slightest. I'm sorry that your husband isn't being supportive but I'm glad that you have at least one lovely friend who cares. You sound very kind, making food for your brother's widow etc.

I would try not to overthink your relationship right now. There will be time to reflect on this stuff when the dust has settled a bit, and to talk to your husband about what changes you need him to make. Right now, though, I would shelve all that for the time being, and just focus on your immediate needs, supporting your SIL and processing your own loss.

If you can, tell your husband calmly and factually what practical support you need him to provide at home, e.g. getting the kids ready etc. Don't request, just say "I need you to..."

And please call in as many favours as you can from friends. I've had a recent bereavement and my friends have actually been very glad to be given stuff that they can do to help.

grievingandhurt · 18/02/2025 20:07

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, I lost mine in tragic circs too just over a year ago and my (now-ex) partner was useless, made everything about him and told me life goes on... so I get it. I have no advice - it took me quite a few months to end things with mine but it put how bad our relationship was into perspective. I just wanted to send you some hugs - it truly sucks that they have zero comprehension of what you are going through. Take care of yourself OP FlowersFlowers

Amaretty · 18/02/2025 20:07

I think there are defining moments in marriage that you realise it’s hard to come back from this…

this would be one of those formative memories for me.

i hope you are able to get the support you need and that your DH steps up for you.

Numberwangggg · 18/02/2025 20:08

Your husband is a dick.

outerspacepotato · 18/02/2025 20:10

I am so sorry for your loss.

He's not just being non supportive, he's hindering you from trying to help your SIL as much as you can (and I'm sure she appreciates you). Death can really bring out the best and worst in people.

Praying4Peace · 18/02/2025 20:11

May your brother RIP
You are frozen right now and your friend hugging you was what triggered the crying. You need love and support right now OP and you shouldn't have to ask for it. Your husband should be automatically giving it.
Please talk to him and tell him how you feel.
This isn't the right time to be evaluating your marriage. Please take care; this is an horrendously painful time for you.

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/02/2025 20:12

Of course he should. I’m very sorry for your loss

LoveFridaynight · 18/02/2025 20:12

I don't think it is asking too much. My mum has just died though and DH hasn't taken any time off either.. I've had to rely on 18 year old DD to help look after our 4: year old so I can support my dad and try to get the funnel organised.
I have cried every day and usually over stupid things. DS (with SEN) threw his breakfast this morning. Not unusual but I just melted in to tears.
DH says all the right things, will hug me if I cry but doesn't follow through.
I understand the pain although I can't understand why your husband would think it's okay to slag off your remaining brother. I'm thinking of you and thank goodness for your friend. I'm sure she'll support you.
Maybe once the dust has settled and things are calmer you can reassess your marriage because he doesn't sound at all supportive m

ThenUm · 18/02/2025 20:20

Goodnurseorgremlin · 18/02/2025 18:35

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Your husband is behaving appallingly. I don't know if I could ever forgive him tbh.

I agree

worcesterpear · 18/02/2025 20:26

Sorry for your loss of your brother. Yes, your husband isn't acting how you would hope - maybe he needs a bit of guidance as not everyone has experienced this and knows the right way to go on. He should have asked you though.

LilacLilias · 18/02/2025 20:27

I feel like this may be less about days off and more about feeling supported. Even while going to work he could and should be thinking about how he can give you the space and/or help/comfort you need to make this time as easy on you as it can be.

I'm very sorry your brother died, and so young.

ThenUm · 18/02/2025 20:31

Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 19:54

He hasn't lost anyone close to him before no. I didn't expect him to take time off when grandparents died as that was different. They were very old and ready to go. This was a man in the prime of his life with young kids.

I know he wouldn't get compassionate leave as it was my family member but he has plenty of annual leave or could have wfh. He doesn't have a life or death job.

Anyway my friends will be coming from tomorrow and I can get support from them.

Will need to re evaluate things when things calm down.

I can't do anymore for my SIL at the moment. All the admin is done until the death cert.

So sorry you are going through this. I’m so glad you have friends you can lean on.

I am a year and a half on from a bereavement where my DH was not supportive and in fact tried to manipulate me into doing something for him that was the opposite of what I needed just a week after.

Im afraid I havent been able to get the trust back and we are heading for divorce. It woke me up to how self absorbed he is and how manipulative he can be and now I’ve seen it I can’t unsee it. I felt totally on my own so I have realised I may as well be.

You deserve and should have his kindness, empathy and focus at the moment. That is what should happen. He’s said sorry which is good. Be clear about what you need from him and look after yourself. Hand over a bunch of jobs that are usually yours so he has a practicaL way of helping which might be more easy for him. See if he can step up.

It’s going to be emotionally hard for a while. Don’t make any major life changes whilst grieving. I’m sending you a hug, a cuppa and a piece of cake through the ether.

Coloursofthewind2 · 18/02/2025 20:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds unsupportive which is horrible for you. Even if he still had to work he should be the one to make you a cup of tea and give you a cuddle before/after work.
All you can do is be honest with him about how you're feeling, see what he says and go from there.

Starsandall · 18/02/2025 20:38

I think my dp would support me. But my ex dh no way. I would have had to spell it out. Maybe you need to do the same.