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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that maybe my husband could have taken a day off when my brother died

104 replies

Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 18:34

I'm grieving so maybe I am unreasonable but my brother who was in his 30s just died very unexpectedly. My husband hasn't taken a day off to support me at all and I've had to try and get lifts to do all the admin associated with a sudden death as he also took our only car.

This morning I was trying to get the kids sorted, cook food for his grieving widow, drag teen out of bed and a bottle of milk spilled all over. I just sat and sobbed. I just wanted to have a bit of time before having to do all the household tasks considering my brother died in tragic circumstances just a few days ago.

My friend came around and hugged me and listened to me and I finally felt supported and loved. I don't think mu husband has even hugged me. He just ranted on about how much he hates my surviving brother which I don't have the bandwidth to deal with at the moment.

Would your husband have taken a day off work? Maybe I'm asking too much.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 18/02/2025 18:50

My Mum had a stroke in 2013, and when I received the call my husband was in London with work. He didn't have access to his mobile, so I had to ring his office, who in turn had to ring the customer office he was at. My husband caught the next train home - a 2 hour train journey. He then stayed off work the next day, to help with our son, who was only 2 at the time, and allow me to visit Mum in hospital. So, no, you are not being unreasonable. You brother has died, you are grieving, you're having to deal with the children, normal daily life and the practical side of arrangements when someone passes away. Your husband is being insensitive, and completely ignorant to your feelings. Have you asked him to stay off work? I completely understand that you shouldn't need to ask, as it should be glaringly obvious, but your husband is either dim or so thick skinned that he's oblivious. Sending you a big hug ❤️

CharSiu · 18/02/2025 18:53

I’m so sorry that your husband has been so awful and thank you for supporting his poor widow. I wish I could scoop you up and look after you.

Wsxx · 18/02/2025 18:55

Good god that is awful.
I would think this is the type of behaviour that makes you seriously reassess a marriage.

I am so sorry for your shocking loss.

BoredZelda · 18/02/2025 18:57

I dont know if I’d expect my husband to take a day off. Currently there’s no right to do so, would he have got paid leave or even granted the time off. Is he saving his request for the funeral?

I wouldn't expect anything of my husband as he is an adult and can make his own choices. There is nothing that would stop him being with me and taking on the daily grind to let me deal with a bereavement though. Even if his work wouldn't give him compassionate leave (which most would) he would call in sick. This guy isn't saving anything, he is being a selfish arse.

I couldn't be in a relationship which doesn't have the bare minimum of one partner stepping up when the other is in crisis.

BlondeFool · 18/02/2025 18:59

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Absolute marriage deal breaker. He sounds vile.

BlondeFool · 18/02/2025 19:02

MissyB1 · 18/02/2025 18:41

I'm really sorry for your loss 💐
My dh didn't take the day off when I was called at 6am to say my mum had died. I had an exam that day and had to get our ds to childcare, I was in total shock. I have since had my brother die too, dh has never mentioned him since he died and didn't go to the funeral. Fucks me off no end.

Hopefully he's an ex. Disgusting behaviour.

TuesdayRubies · 18/02/2025 19:03

That's insane, OP. Your husband sounds like a sociopath.

Original poster
Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 19:03

I rang him at work when the milk thing happened and told him I couldn't believe he'd gone to work and not at least wfh so I could have the car. He could have gone in later so he could have sorted kids before he went. One is a teen, other primary age and autistic so requires extra care. He hadn't even told his boss.

He's never been to a funeral in my family. I told him I expected him to take the day off for my brothers funeral. I don't think it's much to ask to be there to support me.

The whole death was horrific to be honest. My mum is currently abroad and I just need to be looked after.

I think more friends are starting to come around from tomorrow onwards. I just needed someone to talk to about my brother and to process what happened.

Of course his widow and kids are more important than me so when I've been with them the last few days I've tried not to show my grief so I've just been doing practical things.

He has just apologised anyway. He got angry with my mum for being away and not being here to support me (brother is not mums child). It wasn't her fault she's on holiday and she'll be back soon.

OP posts:
Sandsnake · 18/02/2025 19:04

Huge, huge hugs. I have some empathy as my little sister has just died, also in her thirties. She was terminally ill but it was a very quick, terrible and shocking illness. So I have an idea of how you’re feeling and I am just so sorry. It sucks.

As for your question - yes, I certainly think that if it’s feasible he should have taken a day off at least to support you. I don’t want to sound insensitive but DH understands the gravity of the situation and how its lot me for six and has been an absolute rock.

Again, I really am so sorry for your loss xx

ThreeMagicNumber · 18/02/2025 19:05

That's absolutely shocking, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Yes my DH took time off when my mum died, he absolutely would if it was sibling. I'm glad your friend is there to support you.

gingercat02 · 18/02/2025 19:09

Devastating for you, OP. I would expect support, but no, I would ask or expect him to take time off.
He wouldn't get leave at short notice, and he wouldn't be entitled to any sort of compassionate leave.
I would hope for (and get) a bit more input with the family and household stuff and emotional support, but I would keep leave for the funeral
So sorry for your loss 🌺💔

NerrSnerr · 18/02/2025 19:10

He is being an arse, my sister died suddenly and tragically. She died on the Tuesday and my husband took at least 2 days off that week and then a further couple for the funeral (they lived away). This was before we married and I couldn't tell you whether it was compassionate leave, sick or unpaid, it was the least of my concerns (and almost certainly his).

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

TheseCalmSeas · 18/02/2025 19:12

So sorry for your loss OP. Your husband is behaving in an unforgivable way.

I remember hearing that when you marry someone you should consider whether this person can support you through the death of parents/serious grief rather than all sunshine and roses. I’m so sorry he’s proven to be useless at best.

SauvignonBlanche · 18/02/2025 19:16

Sorry to hear that OP, you need all the help you can get at a time like this Flowers

category12 · 18/02/2025 19:19

Wow, he's a dick.

Ddakji · 18/02/2025 19:20

I’m so sorry for your loss, what a terrible shock for you and his widow. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Sending hugs.

Yes, DH would absolutely take time off and take on more family tasks to allow me my time.

Is your husband usually a bit clueless?

OkPedro · 18/02/2025 19:21

I'm so sorry for your loss op 💔

no yanbu to expect your H to take time off but as pps have said that's the least of it.
Have you asked him out straight why he is behaving as if nothing has happened?
I would be questioning your future with him

CuteEasterBunny · 18/02/2025 19:24

Stop trying to do it all. I’m sure your family are helping with admin and his partner.

Order her a food shop or vouchers and then she can pick what she wants as she probably doesn’t have the appetite for a full meal.

The house won’t fall apart if the ball drops. Get the teen to pull their weight too.

ForgettingMeNot · 18/02/2025 19:24

Are both his parents alive/ has he lost anyone close to him?

PeloMom · 18/02/2025 19:25

Your DH is behaving appallingly. If it was me, I don’t see how he can come back from this. I’m so sorry for your loss!

Gymnopedie · 18/02/2025 19:26

He has just apologised anyway. He got angry with my mum for being away and not being here to support me (brother is not mums child). It wasn't her fault she's on holiday and she'll be back soon.

That doesn't make things any better. Wtf is he thinking? Your mum should never go away just in case?

Meanwhile he was there and could support you, but obviously feels it's nothing to do with him.

And from what you've said this isn't the first time he's ignored you and your family in difficult times. What's with his ranting about your other brother? is he somehow blaming your mum for that too?

OP do what you need to do to get through the next days, weeks and months. But when you're feeling stronger take a long hard look at him and ask yourself what he adds to your life.

MumWifeOther · 18/02/2025 19:32

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m also sorry you have to navigate this while trying to grieve, which must feel impossible.

I am going to give your husband the benefit of doubt and guess that he’s in some sort of shock reflex himself and doesn’t know what to do.

Please either you, or your lovely friend who hugged you today, sit him down and tell him how you feel and what you need. You do need him to take some time off and take the kids off your hands, so you can process things and be there for extended family.

I hope once hearing your needs, he steps up.

Wishing you well 🤍

cstaff · 18/02/2025 19:33

Jesus op. That is horrendous carry on. The fact that he could have wfh but didn't bother is even worse than not taking the day off. At least then you could have used the car and have had some help with the kids.

His apology doesn't sound very genuine. It sounds like a colleague or friend told him what an arse he has been and it has taken that for him to even realise how he has much of a douching he has been.

LillyPJ · 18/02/2025 19:36

It depends on his job. I was a teacher and we couldn't just take a day off for something like that.

Ddakji · 18/02/2025 19:37

Beenworkingwith · 18/02/2025 19:03

I rang him at work when the milk thing happened and told him I couldn't believe he'd gone to work and not at least wfh so I could have the car. He could have gone in later so he could have sorted kids before he went. One is a teen, other primary age and autistic so requires extra care. He hadn't even told his boss.

He's never been to a funeral in my family. I told him I expected him to take the day off for my brothers funeral. I don't think it's much to ask to be there to support me.

The whole death was horrific to be honest. My mum is currently abroad and I just need to be looked after.

I think more friends are starting to come around from tomorrow onwards. I just needed someone to talk to about my brother and to process what happened.

Of course his widow and kids are more important than me so when I've been with them the last few days I've tried not to show my grief so I've just been doing practical things.

He has just apologised anyway. He got angry with my mum for being away and not being here to support me (brother is not mums child). It wasn't her fault she's on holiday and she'll be back soon.

Well, at least he’s apologised.

Is he going to act, though? That’s the thing.