To think that maybe my husband could have taken a day off when my brother died

[Beenworkingwith]

I'm grieving so maybe I am unreasonable but my brother who was in his 30s just died very unexpectedly. My husband hasn't taken a day off to support me at all and I've had to try and get lifts to do all the admin associated with a sudden death as he also took our only car.

This morning I was trying to get the kids sorted, cook food for his grieving widow, drag teen out of bed and a bottle of milk spilled all over. I just sat and sobbed. I just wanted to have a bit of time before having to do all the household tasks considering my brother died in tragic circumstances just a few days ago.

My friend came around and hugged me and listened to me and I finally felt supported and loved. I don't think mu husband has even hugged me. He just ranted on about how much he hates my surviving brother which I don't have the bandwidth to deal with at the moment.

Would your husband have taken a day off work? Maybe I'm asking too much.

I think given you have kids to care for your husband should have taken time off work- annual leave- and taken on child care for the week.
to give you head space for grief and time to deal with the logistics that death prompts.

he also might not have realised he should do that in the moment, but on reflection might realise he should have.
May husband finds the idea of taking time of work for urgent things daunting, preoccupied by how it will affect others at work, and if his boss will think badly of him etc, so I would have had to tell me to do it.

whilst it is nice when people recognise what support someone needs sometimes it’s useful to be clear about what you need, and that helps someone be the support you need.

@Beenworkingwith I’d expect a week off!
He should be stepping up to take the load off you.
At the very least he should be leaving the car .
clearly a man who wants the best of you but can’t be there for the worst.
That’s not a marriage

I'm so sorry for you, it must be so hard. When my mum died my husband was my rock, he took time off and sorted out all the practicalities for me. I assume he took compassionate leave for the funeral but I have no idea. When he lost a close relative I was able to take compassionate leave due to how close they were.

There's something wrong with your husband. That's not normal.

It depends on his job. I was a teacher and we couldn't just take a day off for something like that.

I don't understand this. Teachers apparently can't take time off for anything except their own death and yet my daughter says fairly often "we had a cover teacher for xx subject as the teacher was away for <insert something most people can take time off for>"

I empathise. But when someone shows you who they are when you are in need of support, believe them!

My best friend went through similar. The marriage was very strained afterward. Sadly she got cancer a couple of years later and he was just as useless and unsupportive with her. One of the last things she said to me was “if I wasn’t so poorly I’d be divorcing him”. He didn’t come and see her when she died. Didn’t do any of the things he said he’d do for her funeral. Four of her closest friends wanted a tiny sprinkle of ashes to be put into necklaces, and she had asked for one of them to scatter her ashes on horseback in a certain place. He wouldn’t let her ashes go. I’m so angry at him I’ve not even seen him since the funeral (I do live far away).

Sorry for your loss. I wouldn't expect my partner to take a day off, he's self employed for a start and secondly and most importantly I don't think he'd be much help. Some men are not good at emotional things. He lost his own mum recently and went into let's get on with it mode, not much emotion. People all deal with this differently. Explain to him how you feel and maybe he could help by getting the kids ready before work or trying to pick them up for you to save the running around or letting you have the car and he get a taxi to work but I don't think he necessarily needs to take time off.

My DH took no time off when DM died, but he was given a day for her funeral. That’s all he could get.

He could have just lied and said he was ill and had some time off and actually supported you.

Dreadful.

What a callous bastard. Even if he couldn’t get the day off, he should have asked what he could do to help, took a taxi/bus instead of the car, given you a hug. I couldn’t forgive it.

Hugs 💐

I would be more annoyed that he hasn’t given you a hug.

I’m not a huggy person but when your partners brother has died you wouldn’t stop offering them hugs and reassurance.

Tell him to take some time off and focus on yourself. Even if it means taking yourself off to a hotel for a few days.

Once you have dealt with your brothers death better, then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

Agree about the day off but she shouldn’t have to ask for a basic level of support and human kindness.

At the very bloody least he could have found a different way of getting to work and left you with the car. What happens if you tell him how you feel, how useless he’s being and how he needs to step up?

I’ve just remembered when my colleagues rat died (this rat was like what a dog is to me).

She was distraught and I immediately offered her a hug, as did everyone else.
Our boss told her to go home and we all said we would share our her work out so she didn’t have to worry about it.

This was work colleagues who didn’t even know each other that well at that point but we all rallied around to help as much as we could.

Your DH, the love of your life, won’t even give you a hug!

Your not wrong

Jesus Christ. I’m shocked by the lack of care a husband has show his wife in these circumstances. What a selfish, immature, unthinking shit he is.

When my mum died suddenly my H dropped everything, cared for the children, managed the house and his work, fed us all meal after meal, and made endless tea for us as we sat like zombies in shock. Not just me, but for my family as well. And he did it all unasked and without any need for anything.

He hasn't lost anyone close to him before no

This is important here. He doesn't know what it feels like or what is expected, needed or hoped for. He got it badly wrong, but it isn't necessarily because he is an awful person. He may be clueless rather than malicious.
When I lost my father, I preferred to carry on as normal, school run, job etc. I would not have wanted my husband to take time off. But if I had asked, he would have done it. Some people need you to be direct with them about how to be supportive of your needs rather than mind read.

Sorry for your loss.

I don’t agree with the apology for this behaviour. He would be severely lacking in empathy at best.

YANBU.

It must be dreadful to be dealing with such a sudden and tragic loss. You’re certainly not asking too much to expect him to move heaven and earth to comfort and support you. He’s your DH and father of your kids FFS. He should have taken the day off. Call in sick if necessary. Or at very least WFH and do a shorter day. Any decent employer would understand. Especially if your mum’s away, so he’s the only close support.

As for the remark about your surviving brother. Unbelievably crass and insensitive. He should apologise. He needs to step up with childcare while you process and grieve, support your brother’s family and deal with practicalities. The failure to hug you is colder than most strangers would be if you told them you’d just found out your brother had suddenly died. Does he usually have such unempathetic and unfiltered responses?

Seek comfort and support from friends and other family (your mum) to help you through the first stage of grief. Park your DH being an a-hole for now and focus on yourself and your family. Then, when a few weeks have gone by, and you feel less numb/emotional, let him know you expected better from a DH and you’re disappointed. Ask how he feels about that.

This

Maybe not but a hug and a cup of tea and some words of kindness?

He is literally in bare minimum mode. I bet it would change if he needed caring for a for a month or two post surgery or with the norovirus or something.

Yes. when my Dad died, DH was amazing. He drove me all over to get the arrangements made and properly looked after me. I've looked after him through several bad illnesses too and vice versa. It's what you sign up for.

So sorry OP that sounds tough.

My DH didn't take time off for me when my dad died but he took time off for the DS he took on all the mental load of running the home, all the cooking cleaning etc and he does a chunk anyhow so it's not new to him.

But he made sure the house was lovely so I could just focus on my mum, my paperwork and the admin that follows a death.

Your DH sounds callous to me, I can't imagine a man who doesn't support his wife during this time.

I wouldn't forgive that I'm afraid.

Thinking of you today OP. 💐

He got angry with your mother for not supporting you?

You have an autistic child. Do you think your dh might be autistic and not be responding in the typical way but actually do care about you deeply? But just doesn't respond helpfully.