To not constantly be worrying about my children?

[evegettinglighter]

As babies, I wasn’t overcome with anxiety if someone looked in the pram and breathed near them. I sent them to nursery three days a week after a happy maternity leave and wasn’t overcome with anxiousness about the terrible things that could happen to them. I don’t have a monitor to watch them at night and I didn’t keep them rear facing in the car once they got old enough to protest.

So why am I made to feel like an unfit mother? And AIBU to think that upholding anxiety as the sign of a truly caring parent is actually toxic as hell?

My view is that I save my anxiety for when it's needed - like when DS is actually ill. The rest of the time, I'm pretty chill about most things. I think it's because I actually think I'm a pretty good parent (I may not be, but I have quite high confidence in my own parenting ability).

Who is making you feel like that? I felt the same way you do. Nobody cared

How old are your DC? I rarely worried about mine as young children unless they were ill but now they are teens I worry a lot. I find the worry increases as you have less control over them. Also, some parents will have more reason to worry than others. Mine have additional needs and mental health struggles which causes me more worry than a parent whose children were getting on well. It also means I have perhaps more worries about their future as they may find it harder than others to get a job/live independently. I don't think my worry over them makes me a better parent.

Agree OP. This constant anxiety and stress about every little thing. It must be exhausting! Not to mention the involvement in every tiny disagreement they have with their friends.

Who exactly is making you feel like an unfit mother? I'd be amazed if they were doing it because you let people breathe on your child or because you didn't have a monitor on all night. Why would anyone even know those things? There must be a lot more to this I'm sure.

Who's making you feel that way?

Who even knows you're feeling that way?

If you're starting those conversations as some sort of boast that you don't get anxious about your kid then I understand the response tbh.

Many of us have plenty of reason for feeling anxious. It doesn't make anyone better or worse, it just is what it is.

As the child of a very anxious mother I agree with you OP - it does feel like toxic as well as quite controlling behaviour at times (even if not intentional). I grew up feeling responsible for her anxiety and all that happened is I stopped telling her anything important if it wasn't positive, because I knew how much anxiety and stress it would trigger. Me feeling responsible for her inevitable anxiety stopped me doing things that I would liked to have done. That said, if anxiety is out of control then people should be encouraged to get the proper help that they need to deal with it as I'm sure it must be very difficult and exhausting to live on such a high level of alert all the time.

My instinct is that you wanted to post "Are Mothers Too Damn Anxious These Days!?" but added the bit about your feels as a smoke screen.

Relaxed parents do seem to get a kicking on MN, but the best parents I know have been the chilled out ones.

I do think a lot of mothers are a bit too anxious but if it’s a genuine feeling it’s hard to just stop and I do get that. What annoys me is when you get groups of us together and everyone is trying to out worry everyone else!

I thought the same thing myself today. Was walking with my DS7 who was on his scooter. He went round a corner on the path so I couldn't see him anymore (there's no road there, just a path to the front of houses). And I didn't worry I couldn't see him. But then I thought am I a bad mother because I didn't worry!

It depends how one’s anxieties manifest. And if they rub off on their kids.

Some anxieties are reasonable, some aren’t. Off the top of my head - it’s normal to be anxious the first time they go to town with their mates. It’s not especially reasonable to be anxious the 50th time they do it

I don’t really worry that much and I agree with you that it’s good for kids to have an anxious free parent. I can always tell when I meet kids who are nervous nellies - they ALWAYS have nervous belly parents!

Monitors and rear facing car seats aren't signs of excessive anxiety.

I use a monitor but that doesn't mean I worry about him. 🤔 It's handy to see!

Do you know anxiety is a mental illness?

I am not anxious about my children. At the weekend I was worried about DD1 at times due to illness and was on the verge of taking her to A and E (temp just below 40 and lethergic) at one point but then she got a bit better. She is ND and I spend more time thinking about how she is navigating life and how to make thing eaiser or teach her skills she needs than I do about DD2.

I'm an incredibly anxious person but save it for things that genuinely feel unsafe to me. I never bothered about DC going to nursery as babies as I trust the nursery workers. I didn't stress about rear facing seats as I figure that forward facing seats have been tested appropriately. I didn't worry about DC going into their own rooms at 6 months because that felt fine and I had a monitor. I was happy for DC to stay at my mums overnight from a young age because I trust her and I'm happy for my 7 year old to go on sleepovers as I trust the other parents. I guess I apply critical thinking to my anxiety. I would worry if I lost my child in a public space or they were doing something that involved a higher level of risk than I'm happy with.

Who's making you feel like an unfit mother?

I'd say you're in the majority from what you wrote in your OP.

People don't choose whether they feel anxious or not, so I'm not sure why either high or low levels of anxiety are a badge of honour. If you don't get anxious, I guess you're just lucky.

I agree with you OP. I know several anxious mothers. I bite my tongue because it’s none of my business but now their kids are getting older, you can see how much it has rubbed off on them. They cannot do anything without their mothers knowing where they are at all times and if any slight difficulty arises, they are straight on the phone to mum to sort it out for them. It makes kids less resilient.

Tbh I think some parents post on SM about how much they worry about their children for attention/engagement. See the 'things my child will never do' posts.

I’m like you Op. I don’t worry about the things other parents worry about. My DD might say she was dragged up!!!! No monitors, no rear facing car seats, no child locks on cupboards, running and skipping ahead of me down busy roads. I trusted my DD and have no real sense of fear. I’m one of the “it will be ok” brigade.
I’m going to send her off to Uni later this year safe in the knowledge that she will cope fine and be able to navigate life as an independent adult.

** I remember having an overwhelming feeling of being responsible for this small person and that took a while to shake. I became anxious much later which was not directly related to her safety, but more about what if something happens to me when I'm with her. As she is disabled she would be unable to do much to help. I never saw it as a badge of honour, I saw it as an issue I needed to address and I did.

I'm wondering why what other mothers around you do, is making you feel inferior, that sounds like a you issue. Has anyone actually said you are a bad mother for not being what you see as overly concerned about your child?

Or, is this yet another post suggesting that new mums are just too weak and worry about silly things when they shouldn't?

I'm an incredibly anxious person but save it for things that genuinely feel unsafe to me.

If you can control it that way, you aren't a terribly anxious person.

Anxious feelings are brain chemistry, founded in a whole manner of things - genetics, upbringing, trauma, even illness/injury. Anxious mums don’t choose to be that way - it’s not fun. Often (not always) ability to be a relaxed parent is a privilege created by luck (no trauma to cloud a positive relaxed outlook).

No not an anxious parent.

my parenting quote I live by is : better drowned than duffers , if not duffers , won’t drown! (Swallow and Amazon)

it’s always spoken to me . They have pretty much grown up well rounded.

slightly worried about youngest future as there is so sort of mild learning difficulty, but then again the kid manages his paper round three times a week independently and has done for 18 months, so I’m sure he will find his way in the world!

They aren’t but when they are used in a sort of ‘oh I can’t possibly imagine not being able to see my child while they’re asleep’ then they are.

I am sympathetic to anxiety: I do say it’s a genuine feeling it’s hard to just stop and I do get that. I just don’t think it should be encouraged I suppose.

Same. I've got a monitor but it's because I wouldn't hear him crying if I didn't have it, not because I'm an anxious person. I do understand what you're saying OP, especially regarding rear facing car seat. Go on any forum and say you front face and you're piled on and treated like you've just killed a bus load of children.